Men in Recovery
The following excerpt is from the Introduction of my forthcoming book, A Man’s Way through the Twelve Steps (Hazelden 2009): “Many of us men who come into recovery often don’t think about what our ideas of being a man have to do with our recovery- be it our willingness to accept the philosophy of the recovery culture or those behaviors we had while active in our addictions. The twelve-step recovery philosophy has been reluctant to discuss the freedom of expression for men inherent in the philosophy of the twelve steps. There are still too many assumptions about “how men are” that miss the pain and struggles of men trying to force themselves into the suffocating box of masculinity and not nearly enough discussion about the opportunities and freedom that recovery offers us.”
I have been in long-term recovery from alcohol and other drug addiction for over fourteen years now. I was a young man of 22 when I first got sober and I had no idea how to live. I did not feel like much of a man. I spent a lot of my time walking around scared of people. You would never have known how deeply afraid of the world I was. And as a man, I sure as hell was not going to tell you! Since those early days in recovery I have become a man – men in recovery have shown me how to be a man. A real man. They have taken me under their wing and they have guided me on this challenging and rewarding path to manhood.
I sit in recovery meetings today and I listen to how we men express ourselves and am constantly amazed. We – men – are not supposed to talk or act the way we do before, during, and after these meetings. We are not supposed to be aware of how we feel. We are not supposed to express our love for each other. We are not supposed to talk openly about our problems, fears, and insecurities. We are not supposed to hug one another! Those were not the men I watched when I was growing up. That was not how I was shown to be a man.
But men in recovery have also shown me how to be a man by living the way I always wanted to – but struggled to. These qualities – accountability, responsibility, integrity, and service – are what we often identify with how men are supposed to be. Yet, we see men all over failing to live this way. Not because we are not capable. Often because we do not know how – and many of us certainly do not know how to live according to those values on our own. Many of us in recovery definitely do not know how to live that way on our own. And so we need help – and we get help.
The previous discussions are the essence of this blog. Men in recovery are given an opportunity so many men never get – we get the chance to live how we want to live as men and do not have to feel as fettered by society’s implicit and explicit restrictions about being men. The sky truly is the limit when you live according to the principles of recovery and practice them in all your affairs. Yet, a lot of men are not aware of how their lives have changed. They are not aware of how diferently they express themselves as men now that they are in recovery. And so, many men are also not aware of the limitations they still place upon themselves because of the scripts they are following about being a man.
Many of us are suffering in our recovery under the weight of masculine limitations that we continue to let get in the way of our being as honest and open in our recovery as we need to be in order to continue to grow. We suffer in our recovery from anger and rage, other addictions (internet porn, gambling, and workaholism to name a few), failed relationships, isolation, and good ole fashioned misery because we are stuck. And we are stuck because we have these lies inside of us that tell us we have to be men at all costs – we can only be so honest, vulnerable, or humble. And so we suffer. We suffer in our recovery with our fake smiles spouting out the words of the Big Book or other recovery literature so we can hide. But the pain does not go away. Our relationships do not get better. And sometimes, we even do not stay sober.
But freedom is available and it may very well be rooted in letting go of your old ideas about being a man. At the very least give yourself the opportunity to look at every nuance of every script that you are following and ask yourself honestly if this is how you really want to live. If it is, great! If it is not – then do something about it!
My intention is to start a dialogue with men in recovery about being men in recovery. Share your experiences. Honor your strengths. And trust in your hope. I do not pretend to have the answers and God knows I have my opinions. I will do my best to challenge yout ideas and how you think about these concepts and at the same time be open to the very real possibility that my ideas and my opinions are wrong, or at least not the only way to see a situation. My goal is to learn from you more than you learn from me.
I want to help create a community where we can all dig deep within our souls – into our pain, our doubt, our ignorance, and our arrogance – and bring ourselves and each other one step closer to being the men we truly have the capacity to be. I want to explore the limitless possibilities of being a man.
I invite you to join me on this journey.
