A Sensitive Man
All of my life I have been a sensitive guy. Most of my life it has felt like a sentence I have carried without knowing my offense. It has been the smiley-toothed hydra in my menagerie of suffering. At the age of 37 and after fifteen years of having done a lot of work on improving how I live in this world as a man, I am just beginning to embrace my authentic sensitivity. What does that mean?
There are different kinds of sensitivity. First, there is the sensitivity that comes out of self-centeredness which is often rooted in the wounds we have yet to heal. The fragile ego. This type of sensitivity leaves us feeling like a turd around which the rest of the world revolves. It is the hyper-sensitivity borne out of addiction, trauma, and growing up in addicted family systems.
Then, there is the sensitivity that has me think that I know how people are feeling and what they need in their lives to be okay. This supposed sensitivity is more arrogance than anything. It has me believe that I can read people’s thoughts, know their motives, and even know what they are going to say (based upon the various conversations I have with them in my head).
Finally, there is the third kind – that which is rooted in balance and emanates from who I am as a human being in connection with others. It is this final form of sensitivity that I am beginning to tap into. I embody this sensitivity as I hold my daughter Grace and gently sway her from side to side as she cries. Or when my anger at us running late melts away as Nancy tells me about trying on seven different outfits, forgoing a nap to comfort Grace, and pumping milk so that Grace has enough to eat while we go out. This sensitivity has me living in the world. Connected. Breathing into the “We” rather than suffocating in the all-powerful “Me.” As I slowly release the stranglehold my past has on me and see myself as just one of many human beings doing the best we all can, I get to live into the sensitivity that has always been with me. The kind that makes me proud to say: I am a sensitive man.
