We Don’t Crawl Before Anyone
Before the authors of the book share the 9th Step Promises with us, there is an important declaration: As God’s children we stand on our feet; we don’t crawl before anyone. I have always believed the Promises begin with this sentence. Why? Because in our sobriety men are vulnerable to hiding the shame of our behavior while active in our addictions in numerous unhealthy ways. In fact, shame seems to be at the heart of many of our worst secrets and our worst behaviors. Shame is a very powerful emotion; it can control our lives long into our recovery. At this point of our recovery we need to hear that we do not have to be servile or fawning in our attempts to right our wrongs. We do not have to accept unacceptable behavior nor walk around with our tails between our legs. We deserve love and happiness as much as those who we are approaching.
My wife, Nancy, and I were talking the other night and she asked me: “Is there anything positive about shame?” I am not sure if there is. But there is no question that shame destroys men’s lives – piecemeal. And when men’s lives are destroyed women’s and children’s lives are often part of the collateral damage. Every time we share a secret or a part of ourselves we have been hiding, we move further from shame and take one more step into the community.
Stand tall knowing that you have been willing to take responsibility for the pain you have caused in your community. Despite what we have done we belong. There is nothing – absolutely nothing – we can do to lose our divine birthright as God’s children. And so, this prelude to the Promises is what tells us that, despite everything that we have done, we deserve the Promises to come true in our lives as much as anyone. And that is a tough thing for many of us to believe. It is a lot easier to believe the lies that shame is constantly whispering in our ears – and sometimes even screaming. But you belong – and you deserve to be a part of the community.
I think you have completely missed the point of shame, We are social animals and historically our suirvival has depended on remaining within the group. On an evolutionary level to feel shame and to submit to the will of the group and stay inside is one of the founding pillars of all societies.
To break the rules was life threatening and thus we developerd rites and rituals to stay within the group. Many of these functions are now very much changed and at times irrelevant however the primeval emotion remains that is our current dilemma.
Glad I could help and nice job this morning. Take it easy on yourself – you are doing much better than you think you are.
That is a great take on shame Martin. Thanks for your comments. The only thing is that when people – and animals – feel shame they often do not stay with the group. It does not tend to be a pro-social function and it certainly is not today. Shame may have served a purpose then but these days it seems to lead to disconnection from self and others. That was my point – shame is often a lie. Plus, I was being rhetorical.