How do you experience solitude? How is it for you spending time with….yourself?  How often are men even asked that question? Whether we like it or not, it is a universal truth that if you can’t spend time quality time with yourself then you can’t spend it with anyone else. Many people know me as outgoing, funny, some would even say charismatic. My public persona. The one who shows up when the stage lights are on. Those who know me intimately also know how much I used to struggle with insecurity, self-doubt, and intense social phobia – and still can to this day. It was debilitating. Around others I was often the life of the party but by myself I was a totally different person. Years ago, after ending a long term relationship, a good friend challenged me to learn how to spend time with myself; literally date myself. I took his suggestion to heart because I was tired of needing to be around people to be okay. I was tired of losing my mind when I got in relationships because I was trying to get them to fill a hole in my life that nobody is big enough to fill.

I called the restaurant and made a reservation, “Table for one, please.”

“One?” The woman’s voice sounded as sarcastic as it was surprised. They made the reservation but I swore I could hear their laughter. Who calls and reserves a table for one?

I showed up for my reservation shaking to death internally. I sat through my whole dinner petrified that everyone else in the restaurant was looking at me with pity. Self-centered fear, no doubt; it still felt real at the time. But I did it. I then went to a movie by myself. Some men and women have no problem doing these things alone but for me they were quite difficult.

Today after years of practice, I enjoy time with myself. I travel a lot for work and love to go for walks or dinner by myself. I have discovered the difference between restorative time and isolating or hiding from the world.

I know a lot of men who struggle with loneliness. Many, like me, seem to be social experts but they constantly feel as though they do not fit in or people don’t really want them around. But it has nothing to do with other people. They can’t stand their own company!

In solitude we gain true intimacy with ourselves and we also deepen our connection to Life. Or The Universe. Or God. A man’s relationship with others is his gift to them. A man’s relationship with himself is his gift to himself.

What are you going to do to become more comfortable being with you?

If you are a man who is particularly interested in this topic check out my book, A Man’s Way through the Twelve Steps.

Apparently, men’s narcissism can have serious negative health effects! A recent study looked at levels of cortisol, a physiological stress hormone, in both undergraduate men and women in stress-free situations. If the cortisol level was elevated in a relatively stress-free situation it was likely a sign of chronic stress. The incidence of increased cortisol and narcissism was significantly greater in men.

“Even though narcissists have grandiose self-perceptions, they also have fragile views of themselves, and often resort to defensive strategies like aggression when their sense of superiority is threatened,” study co-author Reinhard says. Sound familiar, guys? Be honest…..

Now, I have known a lot of narcissists in my time – they would appear to be in no short supply in the addicted male population. But why? Sara Konrath, states: “Given societal definitions of masculinity that overlap with narcissism—for example, the belief that men should be arrogant and dominant—men who endorse stereotypically male sex roles and who are also high in narcissism may feel especially stressed.”

I am not sure the belief is that men should be arrogant or dominant as much as we can’t be the opposite of these – passive or weak. We put a lot of our energy (Read: STRESS) into not being a lot of things we think aren’t manly. More evidence that being a man in this society really takes a toll on us …as well as everyone in our lives. Luckily, narcissism is not a fixed trait. Men in recovery have been successfully chipping away at the hard shell of narcissism for decades now – and quite successfully. We come to realize that self-centeredness is the root of most our troubles.

Why not take the quiz and see how you do?

Interested in exploring more of the solution? Check out my book A Man’s Way through the Twelve Steps.

Greetings!

I have a favor to ask some of you. I have switched from Feedblitz to Feedburner.

If you currently receive my blog and the subject heading says “Feedblitz” in it, please “unsubscribe” and then go to my website at www.dangriffin.com/dans-blog and down on the right you can subscribe again. Unfortunately there is not a way to migrate all of the Feedblitz subscribers.

Your future blogs will come from Feedburner and have the title Dan Griffin’s Blog

I apologize for the inconvenience and hope you join me on Feedburner!

Happy Wednesday!

Dan

When I was a boy, I was a boy’s boy – I collected live spiders and bees, took things apart to see how they worked, loved all sports. I had my own tool set. I built benches (a small plank and two wooden blocks on each side) that I thought I would be able to sell. I went door to door. I think I sold one.

Like many children of alcoholics, I had a parent who was hyper-critical and perfectionistic and anytime I would help with anything mechanical it would end with me being yelled at, told to go away because if you want something done right you have to do it yourself,”it was tough being able to learn and grow in an environment where you were expected at age 6 or 8 to be able to do something as well (read: perfectly) as a 40 year old man.

Almost all of us have things that we used to love as kids that we have given up because someone told us that we weren’t any good at them. Or they were a waste of time.  Or we were stupid. For the longest time I was afraid to do anything around the house out of fear that I would screw it up.I lost my love for building things and taking them apart- my father’s voice was always in my head. I pretended that I wanted nothing to do with those various tasks because they were not my interest. I am more of a Renaissance Man. It has taken time to give myself permission to make mistakes and be willing to screw up a door, or a faucet, or a cabinet.  And I have screwed up. But I have also learned. I have asked questions and had enough humility to learn from my wife and ask for help from other men. Now, I look forward to the next task realizing I may not be able to do it but I do not have to let my father’s voice control what I am willing to attempt. I get to decide what I am good at and I am responsible for anything in my life I am not willing to try. Nobody else.

So what did you give up? Are you ready to try it again?

You can comment below

Well, sort of. This article in the LA Times talks about how the new Duchess has decided to make addiction and recovery one of her primary focus areas for her charity work. I sensed that Kate Middleton was a class act from the few interviews I saw whenever I happened upon my wife watching  them (honest!)  She seems to have brought a fresh perspective, beauty, and now courage to the British royalty. Similar to Princess Diana, the Duchess is following her heart but she is also following the stats – where one study says that 1 in 3 Britons will have a problem with addiction in their lifetime, according to the Times article. That is a staggering number!

Now, one might conjecture on how the Queen Mother and other members of the Royal Family are reacting to this announcement but hopefully, given some of the attention a few members of the family have gotten over the past couple of decades regarding their own addictions, there is an understanding that having the weight of the Royal family behind such an important topic could make an amazing difference.

This is a welcome recognition at a global level about the importance of addiction and recovery. Everyone knows someone struggling with addiction. We are getting to the point where everyone knows someone in recovery. But we still have a long way to go before we truly deal with this disease in accordance with its societal impact – all around the world.

What do you think?

Please join the conversation below, share on Facebook, and re-tweet.

For those of us in recovery from addictions, fear seems to have a special place in our lives. The literature of recovery and much of the prevailing wisdom speaks constantly about fear and how our lives are “shot through with it.” There is actually research showing that two of the areas of the brain affected by (or perhaps causative of) addiction are the amygdala, specifically, and the overall limbic system, of which the amygdala is a part as well as the prefrontal cortex, the primary decision-making center and most evolved part of the brain.

I was driving in my car through downtown St. Paul many years ago and well into my own recovery from addiction, and I was experiencing an inordinate amount of fear.  Anxiety. Panic. Call it what you will — they are all members of the same family. I cannot even remember what it was about. I do remember the insight. Up until that point, it had been so difficult for me to admit that I was feeling afraid. Not because I was not aware that I was feeling fear. No, I was well aware of the fear that would regularly visit me. In fact, for the last several years, I had even become accustomed to talking about that fear with a select group of men and women, privately and usually in the basement of some church. In those groups fear was not only respected, it was expected – even from men! I could admit it to the people in those basements more easily than I could admit it to myself, because I knew they would not make fun of me for having it.

Over the years I have heard from men in recovery from all walks of life who — when they are able to be gut-wrenchingly honest — talk about how much of their lives have been spent in fear. Former drug-dealer turned patent attorney. CEO of a national criminal justice organization. Former bodyguard for a smalltime Chicago “businessman.” Priest. Judge. Real estate magnate. Teacher. Psychiatrist. Nurse. Musician. Author. The list goes on, ad infinitum. Most of these men spent an inordinate amount of time focused on trying to show themselves and the rest of the world that they were not afraid. And so we all walked around thinking that none of us were feeling fear — and, in truth, it was killing us and all of our relationships.

Remember those stickers that used to be everywhere, most often on those big trucks that most people need a stepladder to get into: No FEAR! They shouted to anyone driving close enough to them: I AM A REAL MAN! The words in ominous writing meant to further communicate how much we, men, don’t want to — no, shouldn’t — have any fear in our lives. Of course I have come to realize that some of the most fearful men are the ones driving around the big trucks with stickers saying “No FEAR” on them.

If you are like I was and have aspirations of someday being fearless – as in not experiencing fear – that day, sadly, will never arrive. But, if you instead wish to simply fear less, well, that is available to you any time. The only catch: you have to be willing to acknowledge that the fear is there and for many men that can feel tantamount to admitting they are not men.

Today it seems easier for me to see other men’s fear, probably because I have become so intimately acquainted with my own fear. My relationship with this emotion is one that has become mostly amicable — I notice its presence and respect it, but have made it clear it is not going to run my life anymore.  As is the case with so many things, in recognizing and facing my fear, it has much less power over me. So go ahead and do it, get honest about your fears — what are you afraid of?

I’d love to hear your thoughts below:

What are you afraid of?
How have you dealt with your fear?

This essay and many others can also be found on the Good Men Project site at: www.goodmenproject.com/author/DanGriffin.

By now, everyone has heard about the egregious behavior and massive cover-up at Penn State involving the beloved Joe Paterno and his heir apparent, Jerry Sandusky. Sandusky, as it is only alleged at this time (though there is a very compelling grand jury report,) is said to have sexually abused numerous young boys over multiple decades. This posting is not about whether Sandusky is guilty — I will let a court of law determine that and pray to God that justice is served.

This posting is not about Sandusky at all. However, while the flurry of 24-7 news stories on the scandal has decreased dramatically, there will no doubt be another deluge of stories with the most salacious and graphic details once the actual court case gets underway. And just this past week, two more men came forward accusing Mr. Sandusky of sexual abuse.

My biggest concern from the moment this story started airing was what it was doing to all of the men and boys across the country — and even the world — who suffer from undiagnosed and untreated trauma, especially those who have been sexually abused. Many of these men have no recollection that they have had such traumatic experiences. How many men were being triggered – and acting out in any number of ways as a result of the blast of coverage? It is hard to say what the true statistics are but I am confident that the majority of the estimated percentages for boys’ childhood sexual abuse are a far cry from the actual number of boys and young men who are carrying around the horrible scars of sexual abuse. Here are some of the different ways men could be affected:

• Increased use of alcohol or other drugs
• Relapse (back into active addiction – substance, sex, gambling, etc.)
• Those men who have been working through abuse histories could find themselves struggling with significant memories or emotional outbursts
• Isolation
• Exacerbation of mental health issues
• Abusive behavior, including acting out sexually in different ways including, unfortunately, sexual abuse
• Obsessive viewing and talking about the scandal, the people involved, and extreme opinions about the alleged perpetrator and/or victims

Our society has systematically pretended that boys and men don’t suffer from sexual abuse. We have this pervasive disparaging opinion about boys and men who suffer abuse and honestly express how it has affected them as weak and whining. That keeps a lot of men — especially   those men regarded as ‘macho’”— silent and stuck in their suffering. And, as I have stated many times, when men suffer we tend to take our suffering out on others.

Here are five ways to support a man who has suffered abuse in the past:

• Help him find a forum for him to talk about it in a way that is safe for him, ideally with other men who have had similar experiences.
• If he is showing signs of problematic use of alcohol and other drugs, talk to him directly. Find an expert or someone in recovery to offer coaching on how to have the conversation or who can even be present with you as you have the conversation.
• Help him get help. Men can have so many barriers — many of which hit them at the core of their being and their masculinity — to seeking help. Do everything you can to see the strength and courage it takes to get help and reinforce that message to him.
• Watch the Oprah Winfrey episode from earlier this year where two hundred men came forward about being sexually abused while their loved ones, many of whom never knew, were in another room listening and watching. Watch the full show here.
• If the man has already done a lot of work through therapy, recovery, and/or his faith, honor him for his courage     and strength and let him know how much you love and respect him.

It may be hard right now to see something like this scandal as a gift, but it is certainly up to us if we decide whether any good comes from it. If a tragedy such as this creates an opening for boys and men to be better able to talk about any and all kinds of abuse, then that is definitely something very good. While the Catholic clergy scandals have opened the door, the fact that this latest scandal took place in the domain of one of our country’s most hallowed masculine religions blows the door open — it shows that abuse and experiencing abuse are not about strength or some aberrant behavior of an aberrant population. They can happen to anyone, be perpetrated by anyone, and are more than likely happening all over the world right now, literally. The secrets keep the sickness alive and destroy the individual from the inside. It is time to end the silence once and for all but let’s make sure that men and their families are safe and supported in the midst of the cacophony.

Be sure to sign up for Dan’s blog here.

Normal scenario: I have a deadline for something, say, I don’t know, maybe a blog entry. Suddenly, it becomes very important to me where my dog is. Or I notice some things sitting on the dining room table – that have been there for weeks – but I decide now is the time that they have to be put away. Or that email that has been sitting in my inbox for days suddenly it becomes imperative that I respond immediately. The point is that I have dedicated this time to work on this specific task. In this particular situation I realized that for the past two years we had not been getting our little gift from public radio we were supposed to get every year for being “sustaining members.” It was really just a distraction. Yes, I got the CDs we were due but I ended up spending that evening finishing the document.

So here are three things I have learned to do that greatly help me with this:

• Turn off email other than specific times, as marked on my calendar
• Organize my week every Sunday and put every task I can think of on my weekly calendar (leaving open space for anything else that may come up.)
• If I am in the middle of one task and have a great idea or remember something that has to get done, I simply put it on my little yellow pad which is always sitting next to my computer.

These are the three that I came up with. I am sure there are many other – even better – ones. How do you deal with procrastination and/or time management? Comment here or on my Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/TwelveStepsForMen

Like so many other tough topics, the degree to which we keep silent about domestic violence is the degree to which we are complicit in it continuing. A lot of people do not understand what domestic violence is and what it is not. In short, it is a pattern of abusive behavior where one person seeks to have control over another so as to diminish them or their ability to act freely as their own person. Regardless of the many factors that cause an individual to be abusive and commit acts of domestic violence it is wrong and unacceptable.

Let this month be the beginning of a new commitment for you not to turn from a situation where it looks like a woman, child, or man is being abused. And, if you are part of such a painful situation make a commitment to get help. Here are four quick tips that hopefully are helpful:

1. If you have an uncomfortable feeling about how someone is treating you in an intimate relationship seek support and additional information to best understand what is happening.  The first time you sense that something is not right – that you have experienced something that made you very uncomfortable – listen to that. Talk to someone. Get help. As the cycle of violence progresses it becomes increasingly difficult to get help or intervene.
2. Get Help! Get help if you are being abused or are the one who is being abusive. The majority of people who are abusive in relationships do not want to be that way. Many abusers are acting out of trauma and have little to no awareness or understanding of why they behave the way they do. The behavior is still unacceptable and must stop.
3. You may want to broaden your definition of violence. In other words, move away from the limited view of domestic violence being about battering. Domestic violence is so much more than physical violence. For instance, using your body size to intimidate, punching walls or kicking doors, threatening someone, and blocking them from being able to move freely are just some other examples of violence. In addition, there are many other types of abuse. Learn more and be informed. Rule of thumb: If something does not feel right, pay attention to that feeling and talk to someone.

4. ZERO TOLERANCE! There should be a zero tolerance policy in the household. Homes should be peaceful and safe places where adults and children can live and flourish spiritually and emotionally. We cannot simply say that we want to create a peaceful home when we did not grow up in one. Unfortunately, it is not that easy. Very often we need outside support to ensure that we do not repeat any of the behaviors that we witnessed and experienced growing up in dysfunctional and abusive homes. Zero tolerance does not have to mean one infraction and you kick the person out – it means having a plan on how you are going to respond to that plan. Either the person who is struggling with being abusive is on board with the plan or they are not. Regardless, stick to it!