I’m actually on vacation right now. As I write this. I have been paying attention to each and every one of these Rules for the past four days. Overall, I would give myself a B+.

The truth is that we go on vacation to disconnect from the distractions and busy-ness of our lives but that is easier said than done. We want to create a lifetime full of happy memories with our families and here are 7 Tips that will make it a little easier:

1.       Work will survive without you and you will survive without work – Men invest a lot of time in our professional identities and being successful. Vacation is about disconnecting from that obsession and investing in our identities as partners and fathers.

2.       TV is not a member of the family – the truth is TV and mobile devices have become a member of the family – a sometime annoying and intrusive member of the family. Distraction is a national epidemic. So, before going on vacation, be clear about how TV, email, mobile devices, and social media are going to fit in – set boundaries and clear expectations and stick to them.

3.       Your family really does want to be with you – For those families with teenagers this may seem hard to believe but it really is true. Men think they have to be Super-Dad or have some perfect performance. Not true. Your family wants you – so take the time to be connect and be your authentic self. That’s the man they want.

4.       Be present with your family – This is the essence of it all. How can men learn how to be more present and connected when a lot of the Man Rules are about disconnection? Here are 3 Quick Tips:

A. Again, be really clear about TV, email, and mobile devices fit into your vacation time.
B. Set up regular times to check in with your partner. Rate yourselves on a scale of 1 to 10 about
how stressed you are and figure out ways to support one another.
C. Set up regular times to check in with yourself. Take time to breathe and have time for
yourself. The truth is that self-care is at the core of all relationships – and it is true for men as
much as it is for women.

5.       There is no “I” in vacation – It’s not about us; it’s about our families. Create a vacation that will be fun for everyone. Yes, we may miss out on the awesome round of golf or some others dream activity but we tell our families how important spending time with them is to us.

6.       The vacation doesn’t have to be in a spectacular location – One word: staycation. How much pressure do men put on themselves to afford the perfect vacation? You don’t have to go to Disneyland or Hawaii to have a great time with your family. It is about connect and making happy family memories.

7.       Take a map! – We are notorious for not asking for directions. We have great intentions for every vacation we go on with our families. When we make a plan and stick to it we are much more likely to make those intentions a reality!

So as you plan your next amazing family adventure keep these 7 tips in mind and you are sure to create happy memories to last a lifetime.

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A running joke in our training’s is that the issue for men is not whether or not we can get into relationships. Men have no problem getting into a relationship! The real challenge is staying in relationships. And given everything we have been talking about up until this point it should be quite apparent that for many men there are a lot of forces inside of us that make it hard. Not impossible, not at all. But challenging. I have a lot of young male friends who pine for someone to love. “If only I could find someone, Dan” they say wistfully. I get it; I understand what it feels like to wonder if I would ever find someone I wanted to spend my life with. I also make it a point to let them know that the real work happens after you’ve found that person!

Staying in relationships is quite a bit tougher than getting into them. The men I have interviewed are the voices of experience, strength, and hope that need to be heard and honored.

Staying in intimate relationships requires us to face ourselves in a way that we are not used to. We may not even feel equipped to do so. The Rules have taught us how not to be in relationships. If and when we actually commit to a relationship, the Rules may influence us to feel miserable in that relationship, leading us to destroy it. A lot of men tend to be “runners.” At a certain point in a relationship our response is to shut down and walk or run away, to escape. Why do we run? Because we do not know how to handle the emotional intensity that comes from a healthy and intimate relationship.

Most of the men and women of my generation are not interested in the kind of relationships we watched previous generations have. These were usually relationships in which unresolved conflicts lingered, vulnerable thoughts and feelings were not shared, communication was like pulling teeth, and marriage was an obligation to be suffered through. Of course, if that is what we grew up with and we were not taught anything different, then what are the chances that just because we don’t want to do our relationships that way, we won’t have the end result? Not very good. Healthy relationships require dedication and hard work. We cannot learn to speak French fluently just because we want to. If nobody taught us French and spoke French around us when we were growing up, and we have had little practice in speaking the language, it will take a lot of work and discipline to become fluent. That is what it is like for men in relationships. People often expect us to speak French, and all we know how to say is bonjour, merci, and au revoir.

After years of working with men and having my own challenges with relationships, I am absolutely convinced that a lot of men leave relationships not because they truly do not love someone but because it gets too much. It’s overwhelming and a lot of work. It’s painful. It’s emotionally confusing. We leave in lots of different ways: we check out by hiding in the basement watching ESPN, get lost in our work, slowly checking out of the relationship emotionally, and many other ways. The main point is that staying in a relationship – and being truly present – is hard work. And men deserve to have all of the support we can get to be able to do the work – because the rewards are absolutely amazing. And that is something sticking around for!

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The role of trauma in men’s relationships is interesting – to say the least.  What is so difficult about it is how hidden it can be. I have learned a lot about trauma in the past decade. Before then, despite being over ten years in recovery, it simply was not on my radar. At least not as an issue that affected so many men as I now believe it does. And, perhaps most importantly, not an issue that had affected me so much!

Something you will hear from me over and over again is: “The best way for a man not to have trauma, is to simply say ‘I don’t have trauma.’” That, of course, does not make that statement true. I have no doubt that trauma is at the heart of a many a man’s failed relationships. The worst part: he just doesn’t know that.  The thing you have to always remember is that men are not socialized to see their experiences as trauma or to have an accurate perception of what trauma even is.

Until you have quietly reflected on this issue and looked into it at some length with an open mind, you may not know whether or not you have experienced any trauma. What I can say is that I know far too many men who have lived with trauma for many years of their recovery with no awareness that trauma was at the root of their suffering and feelings of disconnection. Do not let contempt prior to investigation prevent you from exploring something that could offer you a degree of peace and freedom you never thought possible.

The challenge a lot of men have is that they do not necessarily see their experiences as traumatic because they compare them to other people’s traumas—what they might consider “real” or more serious trauma. Many men probably look at their traumatic experiences in hindsight with an adult’s understanding, saying to themselves something to the effect of “I see how this could be traumatic for a six-year-old, but I am forty years old now and it’s not a big deal. I am over it. That was a long time ago.” That is the danger. Our brain, particularly our brain’s limbic system, does not care about our age, then or now. And it maintains the emotional memories of those experiences, no matter how long ago they occurred. That is why people’s trauma reactions can be triggered so long after the original events took place. Our bodies also carry the memories of traumatic events, and we may have physiological reactions to external stimuli without realizing that this is a common trauma response.

The challenge for us men is that given how difficult it can be for us to be emotionally aware or engaged is that trauma can drive much of our behavior and we do not even realize it is happening. It eats away at our relationships, from the inside and we think it is everything and everyone else. Before we know it the relationship has fallen apart, the marriage is over, the man is in jail for abusing his partner, his addiction has gotten even more out of control, and/or he has even taken his life. He sits there scratching his head wondering why it is hard for him to connect. Why is it so hard for him to be able to keep a relationship together? Why, when his heart seems to want it more than anything, is it so hard to love and be loved?

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Bobby, one of the men I interviewed for this book, said it well: “Life is meaningful only within the context of the connections we have with the friends and family around us.” I have always cared about the relationships in my life. My guess is that you have, too. I did not always know how to show it, or have the courage to show it, and I would often act in ways that sent the message I didn’t care. Relationships are complicated and challenging territory for everyone, but particularly for men. Even today, relationships can sometimes leave me wishing I lived on a deserted island, just as they did when I was stuck in my active addiction. I still don’t always know, or have the courage to show, how much I care about the relationships in my life. I certainly do not do it perfectly.

The assumption that underlies this book is that all men care about relationships. We want to be good sons, partners/spouses, fathers, and friends, but we need help. We are shaped by these “Man Rules” that tell us asking for help is not okay. We may follow these Rules, but they belie what is in our hearts. I have worked with, sat with, cried with, and even physically held far too many men to ever believe that deep inside of most men’s hearts is not a real desire to connect, to love, and to be loved. Yet, an incredible force inside of them pushes them to separate, disconnect, push away, and pretend otherwise. This seeming contradiction is at the heart of this book and the conversation in which I want to engage you.
If this conversation interests you I encourage you to continue reading these entries over the coming months and join the conversation! I would love to hear what you have found to be helpful and the challenges you have been able to overcome in your own journey of learning how to love and be loved.

The post Learning to Love and Be Loved appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Check out the New Book!

A Man’s Way Through Relationships: Learning to Love and Be Loved

Author: Dan Griffin, MA

An essential guide to the challenges men face in creating healthy and engaged in relationship in all areas of their lives. Every idea is present through the lens of the

“Man Rules” – the often unconscious ideas men carry with them into every relationship they have – that affect their ability to find true connection. A Man’s Way through Relationships offers practical advice and inspiration for men to define, with their partners, their own sense of masculinity, and thus heighten their potential to love and be loved.

Dan Griffin excerpts interviews with men who share their innermost lives and experience with relationships. He draws from his own life with over two decades of recovery and ten years of marriage. Readers will learn to recognize how their ideas about masculinity have shaped who they are and how they approach their relationships.

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For the longest time of my early recovery I wanted someone to love. I do not mean just to have sex with. My heart longed for connection. And I never thought I would find it. Once I started actually dating then I not only thought I would never find love but that, even if I was able to find it, I would ruin it. Somehow. Of course, I would not admit this to other men. I would do what we all did – just talk about getting laid or talk around the fear and insecurity without truly addressing it. Why do we diminish our desire for love and connection so often? Why do we avoid the hard conversations?

The Man Rules imply it is unmanly to admit that we value our relationships and want to connect with others, or that, God forbid, we need others in our lives. Yet there is an incredibly rich and rapidly growing chorus of scientists, psychologists, quantum physicists, sociologists, and others who are finding irrefutable evidence for how human beings are intended to connect to one another; that we are all wired for connection.

For years now, certain putative relationship experts have been calling men on the carpet on national TV and in best sellers for how we act in our relationships and our overall lack of relational competence. But what I almost never see is these folks looking at the man and saying, “You know, Dan, I understand that nobody sat you down and told you how to do these things. I understand that you are doing everything you have been taught to do. I believe there is a part of you that really wants to do things differently.” No, they are happy to put on a show, shaming these men, and playing to the anger and hurt of the women in the audience, with little true respect for either the men or the women. Rarely have I seen a genuine compassion and love in these so-called relationship experts’ diatribes against men. Why is that? It is a lot easier to complain about men’s disengagement from our relationships than it is to attempt to understand where it comes from and what else might be going on.

My work is all about how we find the tools to create healthy relationships when very few of us were given the tools we needed to succeed. Part of the Water is not seeing how men have ended up with these relationship challenges but rather judging men’s difficulty in relationships as an inherent – and even insuperable – deficit. God knows I will not win any awards for the relationships I work my ass off to foster and grow. I will never do it perfectly and the Man Rules can still often rule the moment for me – and maybe even the day sometimes. But I will never stop trying because I believe that the love I have experienced is what life is all about. I believe in that journey I will become the best man that I could ever be.

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