The rules have changed for being a Dad. There’s a lot of pressure these days for men to be more emotionally involved in parenting than their Dads were. But without role models, guidance and support for making these radical changes, what’s a Dad to do?

That’s why Dan is writing a book with a working title of Awesome Dads. He’s interviewed more than 30 Dads in all stages of parenthood and collected their best tips and advice. In this new podcast series, Dan will focus on one of the new rules for Dads each month, giving you a little bit of the guidance and encouragement you need to be as awesome a Dad as you can be.

In this, the first episode of the series, Dan explains the intent of his new book and reads an excerpt.

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To parent is to spend most days in a state of barely-concealed, barely-contained insecurity, if not outright terror!

Our little loves trigger not only our fears for them–will they be happy, successful, productive members of society?–but also our deepest fears about ourselves–Am I a crappy person who is unwittingly raising a crappy person because I don’t recognize my own crappiness? Am I THAT parent with THAT kid? We are with them in the present yet they are constantly bringing up our past if we are paying attention.

So, we try to get a handle on that attitude of theirs. We try to nip that bad behavior in the bud. We try to show them who’s boss. We do it for their own good. Life ain’t fair, kid, and the world won’t treat you with kid gloves so you might as well start getting used to it now. Et cetera. We forget what it means to be a kid. They won’t live in our adult world but they’re not supposed to; we are supposed to live in theirs with as much compassion as discipline.  

[DEEP BREATH]

So, what if we let go of the idea that we have to be in control? What if instead, we aim to teach our kids how to make their own wise, healthy, and productive decisions, by actually letting them practice making their own decisions? Would we be raising entitled brats who expect everything to be handed to them? Or would be raising conscientious humans, who fully understand the power of choice? Maybe if we request, rather than demand, and allow them to negotiate, our kids will develop the ability to be true to themselves, while understanding and appreciating others’ points of view? What if we took a deep breath every time we were agitated or confused as to what to do? Just that alone could be transformative.

We often say we’d do anything for our kids. But, can we take this kind of risk? Can we be a different kind of Dad? More importantly, are we willing?  

Listen today for three tips on how to gain control over your need to control.

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Everyone told you being a Dad would be hard, right? Many probably even said, “Nothing can prepare you…” And, man, they were so right. There’s nothing we can tell you to make the transition to being a new Dad a smooth and easy one, but we can help you figure out how to be more involved, more present, and more engaged as a parent and a partner. That’s what we’re aiming to do in this series of Daddy Downloads from The Man Rules podcast.

In this episode, Dan shares some thoughts on how Dads can help keep the home fires burnin’ in the bedroom and beyond.

Practical & Tactical Tips

1. Don’t lose sight of each other or your relationship. Babies are very demanding. It can be all too easy for the focus to shift entirely to the child. That’s not healthy for your relationship, and what’s not healthy for your relationship, ultimately isn’t healthy for your child anyway.
2. Date nights are not dead. Especially after the baby is born, but also during pregnancy. It’s worth the effort.
3. Find ways to connect other than sexual intercourse. Get creative!  
4. Masturbate. And talk about it with your partner.  (No, really.)

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. Dan’s work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. Dan’s book, A Man’s Way through Relationships, is the first book written specifically to help men create healthy relationships while navigating the challenges of the “Man Rules,” those ideas men internalize at very young ages about how to be real boys and men.

Dan’s professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. He is also the author of A Man’s Way through the Twelve Steps, the first trauma-informed book to take a holistic look at men’s sobriety. He co-authored Helping Men Recover, the first comprehensive gender-responsive and trauma-informed curriculum for addiction and mental health professionals. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous.

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Everyone told you being a Dad would be hard, right? Many probably even said, “Nothing can prepare you…” And, man, they were so right. There’s nothing we can tell you to make the transition to being a new Dad a smooth and easy one, but we can help you figure out how to be more involved, more present, and more engaged as a parent and a partner. That’s what we’re aiming to do in this series of Daddy Downloads from The Man Rules podcast.

In this episode, Dan shares some thoughts on how Dads can get back into the parenting game when they feel like they’ve been sidelined. When you and your partner have a baby, the focus often quickly and completely shifts away from your relationship and toward the needs of the baby. How can you begin to balance the baby’s needs, your partner’s needs, and your own needs, while being the best possible Dad you can be? It’s not easy, but it’s possible through honesty, open communication, and humility.

Practical & Tactical Tips

1. Include yourself in the narrative. When people ask how your partner and the baby are doing, go ahead and mention how you’re doing as well. You are an equally important part of the story.
2. Pay attention to your feelings. When you start to feel resentful or disconnected, talk to your partner or a trusted friend about it.
3. Make time for yourself. Not at the expense of the child, or your partner, but just enough to re-energize and bring your best self to parenthood.
4. Identify at least two men in your life with whom you can talk openly and honestly about the ups and downs of being a Dad.

About Dan

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. Dan’s work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. Dan’s book, A Man’s Way through Relationships, is the first book written specifically to help men create healthy relationships while navigating the challenges of the “Man Rules,” those ideas men internalize at very young ages about how to be real boys and men.

Dan’s professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. He is also the author of A Man’s Way through the Twelve Steps, the first trauma-informed book to take a holistic look at men’s sobriety. He co-authored Helping Men Recover, the first comprehensive gender-responsive and trauma-informed curriculum for addiction and mental health professionals. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous.

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Everyone told you being a Dad would be hard, right? Many probably even said, “Nothing can prepare you…”  And, man, they were so right. There’s nothing we can tell you to make the transition to being a new Dad a smooth and easy one, but we can help you figure out how to be more involved, more present, and more engaged as a parent and a partner. That’s what we’re aiming to do in this series of Daddy Downloads from The Man Rules podcast.

Parenting is full of surprises. Some expected but a lot of them unexpected. The majority of the surprises we have no control over. That can lead to a lot of different feelings! So what do we do as fathers? What do we do when we can get this little creature who doesn’t respond to reason or argument to stop crying? How do we take care of our own frustration and not let it get in the way of our connection with our child?

We talk all of the time on The Man Rules podcast about anger. And, of course, it’s one of the few feelings that men are allowed to have in this society. What about all of those other feelings though? All of those same feelings our little beings embody every moment of the day? If you are not a man used to noticing how you get triggered by others’ feelings this podcast could help. A baby is completely defenseless, vulnerable, and unpredictable. Do any of those sound like qualities that The Man Rules embrace or prepare men to be able to handle?

We aren’t going to pretend it’s easy but we do give you some really effective tools that you can use right away – none of which cost you any money whatsoever to access.

About Dan Griffin

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. Dan’s work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. Dan’s book, A Man’s Way through Relationships, is the first book written specifically to help men create healthy relationships while navigating the challenges of the “Man Rules,” those ideas men internalize at very young ages about how to be real boys and men.

Dan’s professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. He is also the author of A Man’s Way through the Twelve Steps, the first trauma-informed book to take a holistic look at men’s sobriety. He co-authored Helping Men Recover, the first comprehensive gender-responsive and trauma-informed curriculum for addiction and mental health professionals. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous.

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The stories we tell about our Dads can shape the way we feel about ourselves and about the world. If your father was distant or critical, you may struggle with the idea that you’re not “man enough.” You may also have a hard time trusting that others will accept you when you’re just being yourself. 

On the flip side, your Dad may feel pain and regret for his inability to connect with you. Few men are encouraged to develop their relational skills as they grow up–in fact, they are often actively discouraged from developing those skills. This was even more true for our Dads’ generations.

However, this doesn’t mean that all hope of developing an amazing relationship with your Dad is lost. Maybe all you need to do is rewrite the story. This week’s guest, author and Jazz musician Tim Clausen spent a lot of time interviewing gay men about their experiences with their fathers, an exercise that enabled them to see their fathers as fully human, and to forgive them when necessary. It also allowed them to redefine their own lives and break free from faulty assumptions about themselves and their fathers.

Tim’s own story of reconnecting with his widowed father is encouraging and inspiring. By simply asking his Dad the same kinds of questions he asks the interview subjects for his books, he was able to open the door to a deep and lasting friendship with his Dad before he passed away.

Practical and Tactical

1. If you don’t ask the answer is always no. Take the risk, you have everything to gain and nothing to lose. Just ask.
2. Forgive yourself for not being perfect. Even if you don’t have a great relationship with your father or your son, realize that you are a worthy and loveable person.
3. Having, close, intimate relationships with other men where you can talk openly and freely. If you don’t have those connections in your family relationships, it’s important to have at least one friend where you can share those things…

About Our Guest

Milwaukee area native Tim Clausen is a jazz and blues pianist rooted in the great stride-piano tradition. Self-taught, his stylistic influences include jazz giants Erroll Garner, Art Tatum, Oscar Peterson, Tommy Flanagan, Ahmad Jamal, and Carl Perkins. Tim has been a featured pianist at many of Milwaukee’s finest restaurants, hotels, arts centers and special events, and he has performed at jazz engagements in Houston, Philadelphia and Paris, France. In his related work as jazz biographer, Tim has interviewed dozens of jazz legends while putting together musical histories on his two favorite jazz pianists, Erroll Garner and Dave Catney.

Mentioned in This Episode

Not the Son He Expected: Gay Men Talk Candidly About Their Relationship With Their Father

Love Together:: Longtime Male Couples on Healthy Intimacy and Communication

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You have issues with your Dad. Whether you have a great, not-so-great, contentious, or non-existent relationship with him, there are bound to be some pain points that you’ve never talked to him or anyone else about. That’s why this month (June) we’re devoting every episode of The Man Rules podcast to exploring the good, the bad, and the ambivalent in regards to fatherhood.

In this episode, Dan kicks off Father’s Month by recommending that you write a letter to your Dad. You can talk about whatever you want and start however you would like. Just start the process and see what happens. You might talk about any lingering anger, sadness, pain, or frustration, you currently feel toward him. You don’t have to send it, of course. (In fact, in most cases, you probably shouldn’t send it. Even if you think you do want to send, it’s best to let it sit for at least 30 days before you make that decision.)

The idea of writing a “Dear Dad” letter automatically brings up a lot of resistance in people. When Dan asks people to write this same letter in his workshops, many people get angry, defensive, and uncomfortable. Each person’s stated reason for not wanting to do it is unique, but subconsciously, it all likely boils down to one thing— fear. Opening those old wounds can change the way you see your father for better and worse. Whether you idolize or vilify your father, chances are, writing this letter will bring him up (or down) to a human level. And, that can start to break down some of the usual defences and coping mechanisms you’ve developed around that relationship. Seeing your father in black and white terms— as either a total saint or totally irredeemable asshole—  might be preventing you from seeing him fully, and as result, might also prevent you from seeing yourself fully. And, as if that wasn’t enough, your relationships with all other men have been shaped in large part by your relationship with your father; heal your wounds with your father and you’ll likely heal your wounds with other men.

If you approach this exercise openly and honestly, you might start to uncover unhealthy perceptions and patterns of behavior you’ve never noticed before. And, that’s a very important step toward living more consciously.

Finally, remember this: You cannot write the WRONG letter but you can write the EASY letter.

About Dan Griffin

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