Everyone told you being a Dad would be hard, right? Many probably even said, “Nothing can prepare you…” And, man, they were so right. There’s nothing we can tell you to make the transition to being a new Dad a smooth and easy one, but we can help you figure out how to be more involved, more present, and more engaged as a parent and a partner. That’s what we’re aiming to do in this series of Daddy Downloads based on Dan’s forthcoming book about fatherhood.

In this episode, Dan explains why it’s important for each Dad to know his story. Your story includes elements of who you’ve been, who you are now, and who you want to be as a father. How did your father shape your ideas about what it means to be a Dad? Which of his examples do you want to take with you as you build your own story, and which would you rather leave behind? Giving some thought to these questions will allow you to consciously choose how you show up day-to-day in your child’s life, rather than simply acting out a script written for you by our culture and your past.  

The post Daddy Download: Awesome Dads Know Their Story appeared first on Dan Griffin.

To parent is to spend most days in a state of barely-concealed, barely-contained insecurity, if not outright terror!

Our little loves trigger not only our fears for them–will they be happy, successful, productive members of society?–but also our deepest fears about ourselves–Am I a crappy person who is unwittingly raising a crappy person because I don’t recognize my own crappiness? Am I THAT parent with THAT kid? We are with them in the present yet they are constantly bringing up our past if we are paying attention.

So, we try to get a handle on that attitude of theirs. We try to nip that bad behavior in the bud. We try to show them who’s boss. We do it for their own good. Life ain’t fair, kid, and the world won’t treat you with kid gloves so you might as well start getting used to it now. Et cetera. We forget what it means to be a kid. They won’t live in our adult world but they’re not supposed to; we are supposed to live in theirs with as much compassion as discipline.  

[DEEP BREATH]

So, what if we let go of the idea that we have to be in control? What if instead, we aim to teach our kids how to make their own wise, healthy, and productive decisions, by actually letting them practice making their own decisions? Would we be raising entitled brats who expect everything to be handed to them? Or would be raising conscientious humans, who fully understand the power of choice? Maybe if we request, rather than demand, and allow them to negotiate, our kids will develop the ability to be true to themselves, while understanding and appreciating others’ points of view? What if we took a deep breath every time we were agitated or confused as to what to do? Just that alone could be transformative.

We often say we’d do anything for our kids. But, can we take this kind of risk? Can we be a different kind of Dad? More importantly, are we willing?  

Listen today for three tips on how to gain control over your need to control.

The post Daddy Download: Because I Said So appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Everyone told you being a Dad would be hard, right? Many probably even said, “Nothing can prepare you…” And, man, they were so right. There’s nothing we can tell you to make the transition to being a new Dad a smooth and easy one, but we can help you figure out how to be more involved, more present, and more engaged as a parent and a partner. That’s what we’re aiming to do in this series of Daddy Downloads from The Man Rules podcast.

In this episode, Dan shares some thoughts on how Dads can help keep the home fires burnin’ in the bedroom and beyond.

Practical & Tactical Tips

1. Don’t lose sight of each other or your relationship. Babies are very demanding. It can be all too easy for the focus to shift entirely to the child. That’s not healthy for your relationship, and what’s not healthy for your relationship, ultimately isn’t healthy for your child anyway.
2. Date nights are not dead. Especially after the baby is born, but also during pregnancy. It’s worth the effort.
3. Find ways to connect other than sexual intercourse. Get creative!  
4. Masturbate. And talk about it with your partner.  (No, really.)

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. Dan’s work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. Dan’s book, A Man’s Way through Relationships, is the first book written specifically to help men create healthy relationships while navigating the challenges of the “Man Rules,” those ideas men internalize at very young ages about how to be real boys and men.

Dan’s professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. He is also the author of A Man’s Way through the Twelve Steps, the first trauma-informed book to take a holistic look at men’s sobriety. He co-authored Helping Men Recover, the first comprehensive gender-responsive and trauma-informed curriculum for addiction and mental health professionals. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous.

The post Daddy Download – Will We Ever Have Sex Again? appeared first on Dan Griffin.

I had the pleasure of having a conversation with Adam Lamb. The idea was to talk about how various types of masculinity impact the workplace. (Side Note: I am trying not to use the term “toxic masculinity” anymore because I realized I fundamentally disagree with it. It is too easy to use that to mean men are toxic or to dismiss outright certain expressions of masculinity that may not be as “cool” or “woke.” The men we most want to reach probably aren’t going to listen if that’s the term we’re using. I’m still working on a new term that better fits. Maybe, traumatized masculinity but I am not sure. I digress.) And we did talk about that. And much more including the role that conscious men – or harmonized men, as Adam talks about it – can take in the ongoing #metoo conversation. It was a cool conversation with a man who has a lot of unique life experience.

Practical Tactical

1. Men need to find a place where they can own all of who they are in neutrality. In other words: accept themselves and own all of their imperfections without judgment and shame.
2. Join a men’s group. If you can’t find one, start one! Get on Meetup.com. There are online resources to guide you on how to do it.
3. Body work. Some type of body work. There are numerous ways that we can take care of our bodies. Our spirit is the rider and our body is the horse. Start with something to honor the horse!

You can learn more about Adam at www.Adammlamb.com

Check out his new book An Initiated Man

Adam Lamb was born in Medford Mass in the turbulent 1960’s. His mother is a Cuban immigrant and his father was a Professor of Modern Languages at Purdue University. Adam spent most of his life as a professional chef, writing non fiction in between cooking fish. A story teller since an early age, Adam sang in an all original rock and roll band in the 90’s, writing all the lyrics, arrangements and recording three cd’s with the South Florida band, Blind Pilot. He has three siblings as well as three grown children, and one grandson who all wish to remain nameless lest they get connected, socially, to Adam’s infirmity and self indulgence. He is a sought after speaker on the issues of purpose, leading a thriving life and enjoying successful relationships. Following a conversation where the right questions were finally asked, Adam has dedicated himself to paying forward the freedom with which he now lives his life. He now coaches and guides those who are looking to take action in creating the lives they know is possible. He hosts a weekly Facebook Live called ‘The Morning MAN-ifesto’ and a monthly podcast, ‘MAN-ifesto Radio’. Adam’s published works include: Getting Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable, Profanity & Its Proper Use and An Initiated Man, Finally. His newest book, ‘Circle Jerk – Lessons of Manhood My Father Never Taught Me’ is due out in summer 2019.

The post In Like a Lamb, Out Like a Lion appeared first on Dan Griffin.

The stories we tell about our Dads can shape the way we feel about ourselves and about the world. If your father was distant or critical, you may struggle with the idea that you’re not “man enough.” You may also have a hard time trusting that others will accept you when you’re just being yourself. 

On the flip side, your Dad may feel pain and regret for his inability to connect with you. Few men are encouraged to develop their relational skills as they grow up–in fact, they are often actively discouraged from developing those skills. This was even more true for our Dads’ generations.

However, this doesn’t mean that all hope of developing an amazing relationship with your Dad is lost. Maybe all you need to do is rewrite the story. This week’s guest, author and Jazz musician Tim Clausen spent a lot of time interviewing gay men about their experiences with their fathers, an exercise that enabled them to see their fathers as fully human, and to forgive them when necessary. It also allowed them to redefine their own lives and break free from faulty assumptions about themselves and their fathers.

Tim’s own story of reconnecting with his widowed father is encouraging and inspiring. By simply asking his Dad the same kinds of questions he asks the interview subjects for his books, he was able to open the door to a deep and lasting friendship with his Dad before he passed away.

Practical and Tactical

1. If you don’t ask the answer is always no. Take the risk, you have everything to gain and nothing to lose. Just ask.
2. Forgive yourself for not being perfect. Even if you don’t have a great relationship with your father or your son, realize that you are a worthy and loveable person.
3. Having, close, intimate relationships with other men where you can talk openly and freely. If you don’t have those connections in your family relationships, it’s important to have at least one friend where you can share those things…

About Our Guest

Milwaukee area native Tim Clausen is a jazz and blues pianist rooted in the great stride-piano tradition. Self-taught, his stylistic influences include jazz giants Erroll Garner, Art Tatum, Oscar Peterson, Tommy Flanagan, Ahmad Jamal, and Carl Perkins. Tim has been a featured pianist at many of Milwaukee’s finest restaurants, hotels, arts centers and special events, and he has performed at jazz engagements in Houston, Philadelphia and Paris, France. In his related work as jazz biographer, Tim has interviewed dozens of jazz legends while putting together musical histories on his two favorite jazz pianists, Erroll Garner and Dave Catney.

Mentioned in This Episode

Not the Son He Expected: Gay Men Talk Candidly About Their Relationship With Their Father

Love Together:: Longtime Male Couples on Healthy Intimacy and Communication

The post Not the Son He Expected: Deep Dive with Tim Clausen appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Everyone told you being a Dad would be hard, right? Many probably even said, “Nothing can prepare you…”  And, man, they were so right. There’s nothing we can tell you to make the transition to being a new Dad a smooth and easy one, but we can help you figure out how to be more involved, more present, and more engaged as a parent and a partner. That’s what we’re aiming to do in this series of Daddy Downloads from The Man Rules podcast.

You can listen to each episode in the same amount of time it takes your toddler to color the cat’s paws with permanent marker, drop your phone in the toilet, break your favorite coffee mug, and give herself a black eye by stumbling into a doorknob. (i.e. about five minutes.) Dan offers three no-nonsense tips on how to define your role as a Dad, and be the kind of father you want to be.

In this, our first Daddy Download, Dan dives into the issue of true co-parenting. Dads these days are likely to be much more involved in their children’s lives than their fathers were. But, sometimes stigmas about who should perform childcare duties (i.e. the woman, or the “more feminine” partner) still leave many Dads feeling left out. Dan shares three tips on how to stay engaged as both a parent and partner after you’ve had a child.

About Dan Griffin

The post Daddy Download: 3 Co-Parenting Tips for New Dads appeared first on Dan Griffin.

In this monthly What Men Would Tell You…If They Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV episode with Allen Berger, the two talk about Dads in honor of Father’s Month on the Man Rules Podcast. Specifically, the ways in which many men carry hidden grief over their relationships with their fathers.

Men tend to bury and carry a lot of grief about their relationships with their Dads. Whether their Dads died or left the family when they were young or were just emotionally absent during their upbringing, many men suffered from a deep, underlying sadness about their fathers’ inability to connect with them. And this sadness, filtered through The Man Rules, often came out as anger, rage, and/or good, old-fashioned “strong and silent type” stoicism. This is the perfect companion episode to Dan’s solo cast, Dear Dad.

There is no question this can be a heavy conversation but Allen and Dan bring their usual goofiness to the conversation. (You can be goofy, and still be alright, after all.) And, they offer some important tips to men who want to parent differently and for women who want to support them in that.

Practical and Tactical Tips

1. Women: don’t take what your man is doing personally. This doesn’t mean you put up with bad behavior, it just means that you don’t see his behavior as a reflection of any personal failing on your part. This will allow you to respond in a way that resonates with him.
2. For guys, we really want you to consider that there’s much more to your life than you’re living right now. You can’t find yourself in what you’ve constructed to define yourself. But, you also can’t step outside the narrative you’ve created on your own. You need someone— like a therapist or counselor—  to share something about what’s going on that you couldn’t see.
3. This month, celebrate fathers by allowing them to be human and look at all the ways we haven’t done that. Create that space for yourself and/or for your father if he’s in your life.

About Our Guest

Allen Berger, Ph.D., is an internationally recognized expert in family and couples therapy, and in the science of addiction and recovery. He is best known for his work on integrating modern psychotherapy with the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and for his insights into emotional sobriety. He is also recognized for his outstanding work as a psychotherapist and trainer.

He brings a highly unique background to his profession. His own personal journey in recovery started in 1971, on the beautiful island of Oahu, Hawaii. There he fell in love with recovery and with helping people find their way out of the abyss of addiction into the light of recovery. He overcame dropping out of high school, and received a doctorate in clinical psychology from UC Davis in 1987. He was trained and mentored by two brilliant clinicians: William C. Rader, M.D. and Walter Kempler, M.D.

He is the author of several journal articles as well as two books: Love Secrets – Revealed (HCI Books, 2006) and the bestseller, 12 Stupid Things that Mess up Recovery (Hazelden, 2008)). His pamphlet How to Get the Most out of Group Therapy (Hazelden, 2007) helps new admissions understand the process of group therapy and how to use the group to optimize their experience in treatment.

His office is located in Southern California where he divides his time amongst private practice, teaching, writing and playing tennis.

Mentioned in This Episode

Dr. Walter Kempler

Dear Dad

His Last Steps, Earnie Larsen

Richard Rohr on Initiation

Dr. Aaron Kipnis

The Mankind Project

The Untethered Soul

The post Good Grief, Dad appeared first on Dan Griffin.

The truth—as both Dan and his guest Dr. Michael Levittan see it—is that the ways we raise boys and girls to relate to one another is dysfunctional at best, personally damaging and emotionally debilitating at worst. The consequences of this reality range from domestic violence and sexual assault to a life full of disconnection and dissatisfaction in relationships.

So how do imperfect people and imperfect parents such as ourselves, with our own struggles and hang-ups when it comes to power dynamics in relationships, show our children a better way? According to Dr. Michael, one way is to raise them without consequences.

For those of us who are parents, that sounds crazy, right? Irresponsible, even! But, the remarkable thing about Dr. Michael’s approach, is that it can help kids, teenagers, and young adults make space in their minds so that they can actually think for themselves about the potential consequences of their actions and have a productive conversation with their parent(s) without the fear, resentment, or anger—feelings that so often get in the way of kids (and adults!) ability to make good decisions.  

Practical and Tactical

1. Our kids aren’t the only ones who need to evolve and grow over time. We have to evolve and grow right along with them to be good parents.
2. Perform regular self-assessments. “How did that conversation go? How could I have done that better? What steps could I have taken to get better control over my emotions before starting the conversation? What will I do differently next time?”
3. Every parent has bad moments, but children often feel unloved when we yell or display harshness, distance, or coldness. When you do feel angry at your child, try to have empathy for what they may be feeling and remind them of your unconditional love: “I’m really angry at you, but my love for you is as strong as ever.”

About Our Guest

Dr. Michael (Levittan) is an accomplished and recognized expert on domestic violence, anger management, child abuse, trauma and PTSD. He is a licensed psychotherapist, director of a state certified batterers’ treatment program, serves as an Expert Witness in court, teaches seminars and courses at UCLA Extension, National Alliance on Mental Illness, International Conference on Violence, Abuse, and Trauma, Inter-Agency Council on Child Abuse and Neglect, L.A. Superior Court, California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, U.S. Marines, Women’s Shelters, etc. He appeared as an expert on the Tyra Banks Show, Starting Over, Bad Girls Club, Montel Williams, Hollywood 411, and in radio, online, and print publications. Dr. Michael s believes in working to further the cause of establishing safety in the family and peace in the world. His passion and determination come across in his presentations.

Mentioned in This Episode

His Story, Her Story by Debra Warner

michaellevittan.com

The post Truth and Consequences – Episode 55 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

John Mayer‘s song “Daughters” — while only slightly less cheesy than “Your Body Is A Wonderland” — hits upon a very real pressure that fathers of daughters around the world continue to face.

Almost every second of parenthood is spent shaping the life, perspective, and future of our children. And for dads with daughters in particular, the responsibility can seem overwhelming at times.

Staying present and living authentically goes a long way towards modeling good emotional behavior for our children. But what else can you do to have a positive impact on your daughter’s growth and well-being?

In this week’s episode of The Man Rules podcast, host Dan Griffin and Tim Walsh of The Deep Dive Guys talk with guest Cody Gardener about their own experiences raising daughters, and strategies for other dads exploring the possibilities and challenges of such a role.

If you’re a dad of a daughter yourself, check out these tips – equally applicable to parents of any kind of kid.

Practical & Tactical Tips

1. Develop a parenting philosophy that both you and your partner agree on. Starting from the same page will make you stronger.

2. Let go of any need to do it perfectly. Focus on doing it consciously, and you’ll be amazed at the results.

3. Connect on her level. Remember to crouch or kneel down and look at your daughter eye-to-eye when you’re disciplining her or simply want to connect. The extra effort makes a huge difference.

4. Have fun! Parenting can be a great way to connect with your own inner child, and to reclaim the joy and wonder of childhood.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About the Deep Dive Guys

For more information about Tim Walsh, check out his website timwalshconsulting.com. And, you can find Michael Dinneen on LinkedIn.

The post Practical & Tactical Tips: Don’t F&#k It Up! (Episode 36) appeared first on Dan Griffin.

This well-evidenced assumption can be a source of tremendous anxiety for fathers who are raising young women.

Rare, indeed, is the father who couldn’t care less about his child’s future. But, unfortunately, rare indeed is also the father who had healthy, egalitarian hetereosexual relationships modeled for him as a child. And rarer still is the father who has a support system of other Dads who can mentor him and support him as he tries to navigate this strange and unfamiliar new territory.

In this episode, two-thirds of the Deep Dive Guys — Dan and Tim— talk with special guest Cody Gardener about the art and science of raising girls. All are fathers of girls ranging from age 10 to 18 months, and all have had their fair share of doubts, struggles, and fears.

If ever the phrase, “it’s not about doing it perfectly, it’s about doing it consciously” applies, it’s here. The guys show us that men who can own the fact that they’ve made mistakes and try to repair the damage can have a tremendously positive impact on their daughter’s growth and well-being.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About the Deep Dive Guys

For more information about Tim Walsh, check out his website timwalshconsulting.com. And, you can find Michael Dinneen on LinkedIn.

The post Episode 36: Don’t F&#k It Up! Dan & The Deep Dive Guys Share Advice For Dads With Daughters appeared first on Dan Griffin.