In this monthly What Men Would Tell You…If They Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV episode with Allen Berger, the two talk about Dads in honor of Father’s Month on the Man Rules Podcast. Specifically, the ways in which many men carry hidden grief over their relationships with their fathers.

Men tend to bury and carry a lot of grief about their relationships with their Dads. Whether their Dads died or left the family when they were young or were just emotionally absent during their upbringing, many men suffered from a deep, underlying sadness about their fathers’ inability to connect with them. And this sadness, filtered through The Man Rules, often came out as anger, rage, and/or good, old-fashioned “strong and silent type” stoicism. This is the perfect companion episode to Dan’s solo cast, Dear Dad.

There is no question this can be a heavy conversation but Allen and Dan bring their usual goofiness to the conversation. (You can be goofy, and still be alright, after all.) And, they offer some important tips to men who want to parent differently and for women who want to support them in that.

Practical and Tactical Tips

1. Women: don’t take what your man is doing personally. This doesn’t mean you put up with bad behavior, it just means that you don’t see his behavior as a reflection of any personal failing on your part. This will allow you to respond in a way that resonates with him.
2. For guys, we really want you to consider that there’s much more to your life than you’re living right now. You can’t find yourself in what you’ve constructed to define yourself. But, you also can’t step outside the narrative you’ve created on your own. You need someone— like a therapist or counselor—  to share something about what’s going on that you couldn’t see.
3. This month, celebrate fathers by allowing them to be human and look at all the ways we haven’t done that. Create that space for yourself and/or for your father if he’s in your life.

About Our Guest

Allen Berger, Ph.D., is an internationally recognized expert in family and couples therapy, and in the science of addiction and recovery. He is best known for his work on integrating modern psychotherapy with the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and for his insights into emotional sobriety. He is also recognized for his outstanding work as a psychotherapist and trainer.

He brings a highly unique background to his profession. His own personal journey in recovery started in 1971, on the beautiful island of Oahu, Hawaii. There he fell in love with recovery and with helping people find their way out of the abyss of addiction into the light of recovery. He overcame dropping out of high school, and received a doctorate in clinical psychology from UC Davis in 1987. He was trained and mentored by two brilliant clinicians: William C. Rader, M.D. and Walter Kempler, M.D.

He is the author of several journal articles as well as two books: Love Secrets – Revealed (HCI Books, 2006) and the bestseller, 12 Stupid Things that Mess up Recovery (Hazelden, 2008)). His pamphlet How to Get the Most out of Group Therapy (Hazelden, 2007) helps new admissions understand the process of group therapy and how to use the group to optimize their experience in treatment.

His office is located in Southern California where he divides his time amongst private practice, teaching, writing and playing tennis.

Mentioned in This Episode

Dr. Walter Kempler

Dear Dad

His Last Steps, Earnie Larsen

Richard Rohr on Initiation

Dr. Aaron Kipnis

The Mankind Project

The Untethered Soul

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