If you were asked what it means to be a good man, what would you say? What if you were asked what it means to be a real man? The contradictions between the answers to those two questions drive much of the confusion that men find themselves in today, according to sociologist and leading expert on masculinity, Dr. Michael Kimmel.

Most people will say that a good man respects women, is a leader, is courageous, and helps others. Then they’ll say that a real man doesn’t show emotion, is all-powerful, always wins whatever the cost, isn’t gay, and doesn’t act like a girl. So, is it ever possible to be both a good man and real man at the same time? If The Man Rules say we can’t be vulnerable and the only way to break out of the constricting pain of the Man Box is to find vulnerability – what is a man supposed to do? There is no easy answer but it has to start with men finding communities of other men with whom they can share their truth.

Dr. Kimmel says we need to take our lead from the work that women have been doing for years. He unapologetically is a feminist who believes that men’s studies needed to grow out of women’s studies if it was going to accurately understand how patriarchy HURTS and HELPS men. What is clear is that men are not the problem, per se. The real problem is that there is a longstanding system in place that benefits men (particularly white men) and has for centuries. As that system crumbles, many men feel like they have been cheated and are looking for someone to blame. Some are enraged. Some are apathetic. Lately, Kimmel has been particularly focused on helping younger men better understand, cope with, and even thrive in the changing terrain of masculinity in the 21st century.

After almost four decades of studying masculinity, Dr. Kimmel is hopeful. The conversation is just beginning and men, slowly but surely are finally being given the opportunity to make being a “real man” and a “good man” one in the same.

Practical & Tactical

1. STFU – LISTEN to women. Stop being defensive or dismissive and, in this historic moment, help create a space for women’s pain and truth to truly be heard.
2. Challenge other men’s behavior in a way that enables them to really hear you. You don’t have to shame them. Sometimes all you have to do is ask them why–Why did you say that? What do you mean by that? Etc. 
3. Challenge men and support them. The two go hand in hand.

Mentioned in the episode:

Angry White Men

Healing from Hate

Dove Men Commercials

Volkswagon Commercials

Roseanne

The post The Good Man vs. The Real Man appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Most of us, men as well as women, feel confusion about sex and our sexuality, but this episode focuses solely on women’s particular struggles. Our guest Kit Maloney talks to Dan about the ways in which women are encouraged by our culture to disconnect from their bodies, to avoid exploring about their own sexual pleasure, and to look outwardly toward men and the media for cues on what they should and should not want sexually, rather than relying on her own inner values and desires.

So what can men do with this information? How can men—especially straight men—support women in this journey? Kit shares some great tips on how men can move beyond their own fears and insecurities about female pleasure, and support women in their journey to discover their authentic sexual selves.

Kit also offers women a special opportunity to take The Pleasure Pledge, in which they commit to exploring their own sexual pleasure, on their own terms, every day in February, capitalizing on a month that already celebrates love, romance, and healthy sexuality at its best.

Practical and Tactical Tips

1. Know that women’s masturbation and solo sex practice does not have anything to do with their masculinity. She’s not trying to replace you. She’s learning more about who she is and what works for her sexually, and as long as you’re supportive, is probably looking forward to sharing that newfound knowledge with you.

2. Honor how important it is for your partner to know her body and how to turn herself on. This takes a ton of pressure off of you and makes your own ability to turn her on that much more delightful.

3. When we truly honor women’s sexual pleasure, we release ourselves from so much confusion around consent.

About Our Guest

For the last two decades, Kit Murray Maloney has been an activist, academic, and entrepreneur committed to channelling her passion for gender equity into a celebration of women’s sexual pleasure. She’s earned a Masters degree in Gender and Social Policy from the London School of Economics; has been featured in Marie Claire and Glamour magazines, and is a regular contributor to The Huffington Post. She launched her multi-media site O’actually to create a more open dialogue around the existing taboo and yet the ultimate importance of women’s self-pleasure and to promote creative, beautiful, and HOT erotic works made by women for women. Because genuine female orgasms heal and better the world.

Mentioned In This Episode

O Actually
The Pleasure Pledge
A Billion Wicked Thoughts (book)

The post Eager to Please – Episode 48 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Was 2017 the year of the woman? It certainly could be seen that way. We watched a presidential election cycle that featured the first female party nominee for president. We watched many women (and some men) come forward about their experiences with discrimination, harassment, sexual assault and abuse at the hands of some of our nation’s most prominent and powerful men. We’ve seen women pointing out injustices and fighting for gender equality from the streets of Washington, D.C. to the stage at the Golden Globes.

The times are changing for sure. And, while hardly anyone would argue that these changes aren’t positive, it’s also true that change almost always brings with it some level of fear and uncertainty. Even the most open-minded, conscientious, and equality-loving man may wonder where all of this leaves him, and to navigate relationships with women in both his personal and professional life going forward…well, it can be quite a bit overwhelming. And confusing.

In this episode, Dan and Andrea Sauceda, the Executive Producer of The Man Rules podcast talk about their own perceptions of the progress being made toward gender equality and how men and women can bridge the gap.  

Practical and Tactical Tips

1. Don’t be afraid of anger. It can be a signal that there’s a real injustice to reckon. But, don’t let the anger dictate your actions. Accept it, feel it, then pause and think about where the anger is coming from, and consciously decide on the best action to take.
2. Don’t be afraid of discomfort. We have to start having more real and honest conversations among men and women about our experiences and our perceptions of one another. That’s going to get weird sometimes. But, don’t avoid it, because if you do, you’ll miss any amazing opportunity to learn and grow. Practice sitting with discomfort by seeking out and following people and publications on social media that advocate for the opposite of your particular political views.
3. Don’t be afraid to speak up. (When and where it’s physically and emotionally safe for you to do so.)  The root of positive change is truth.

About Our Guest

Andrea Sauceda is a writer, marketing professional, amateur sociologist, and professional dork. Outside of her 9 to 5 day job, she helps Dan manage The Man Rules podcast, reads a lot, knits dishcloths, and worries too much about the downfalls of our society.

Mentioned In This Episode

Rebecca Traister on the coming #MeToo backlash

#MeToo Is Changing Minds

David Bowie and Rock ‘n’ Roll’s Statutory Rape Problem

Sarah Silverman Asks: ‘ Can You Love Someone Who Did Bad Things?’

Al Franken’s defiant, unapologetic resignation speech

Bill Clinton: A Reckoning

Harvey Weinstein scandal: a complete list of the 84 accusers

Eight women say Charlie Rose harassed them with nudity, groping and lewd calls

Rep. John Conyers, Jr. resigns over sexual harassment allegations after a half-century in Congress

I Asked Men’s Rights Activists and a Pick-Up Artist About The Weinstein Fallout

Lindy West On How Rape Joke Proponents Paved The Way For Trump

“For the master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house.” – Audre Lorde

Episode 41: Gender Jiu-Jitsu with Dr. Jamie Marich

The post Episode 46: One Step Back, Two Steps Forward appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Roy Moore. Harvey Weinstein. Bill Cosby. These are “bad guys,” right? They represent the extreme end of the sexual misconduct spectrum. Most men can easily say they don’t identify with any of these guys. They have never done the things these men have done and never would do the things these men have done. There are bad guys, and there are good guys, and they are good guys. They are not sexist. They have mothers! Sisters! Daughters! They would never mistreat women, or speak about them in a demeaning way—End of story. Open and shut case.

But… We all live in The Water. And if we really want things to change for the better for both women and men, we have to take a closer look. In this bonus episode, Dan talks about what sexism really looks like in our day-to-day lives, and explains why men need to reckon with their privilege without getting bogged down in feelings of shame and disempowerment.

Practical & Tactical

1. When someone is talking about their experiences as a woman, person of color, gay person, queer person, transgender person, etc., and your first thought is, “That doesn’t even make sense! That’s not the way I see things!” Pause. Turn any impulse to become defensive into curiosity. Instead of stating all the ways that you disagree with their perspective, ask questions that may help you better understand their perspective.

2. Listen. Listen with full attention, full consciousness, and full humanity.

3. When it is your turn to share your perspective, speak with caveats in order to create a space for you and other to talk about differences without animosity. Mandy Smith, writing for Missio Alliance, offers this excellent advice:

“Beginning with ‘I’d love to hear your perspective on this: I’m thinking…’ or ‘I may be wrong, but…’ creates space for the experience of others. It acknowledges your own subjectivity and invites conversation, trusting that the goal is for us to discover the way forward together. I know that in the white, male world, these kinds of caveats communicate insecurity. To women they communicate humility and invitation. Even if you feel pretty confident in your own opinion, it may be helpful to choose this kind of language for the sake of making space for difference.”

Mentioned in This Episode

Episode 1: How’s the Water? 

Roy Moore
Harvey Weinstein
Donald Trump

About Dan

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity.

Dan’s work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. Griffin’s book, A Man’s Way through Relationships, is the first book written specifically to help men create healthy relationships while navigating the challenges of the “Man Rules,” those ideas men internalize at very young ages about how to be real boys and men. In 2015, Dan was honored to be named a Senior Fellow at the world-renowned leader for treating addiction and trauma, The Meadows.

Griffin’s professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. He is also the author of A Man’s Way through the Twelve Steps, the first trauma-informed book to take a holistic look at men’s sobriety. He co-authored Helping Men Recover, the first comprehensive gender-responsive and trauma-informed curriculum for addiction and mental health professionals. Griffin earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous.

The post Bonus Episode: But I’m Not Sexist appeared first on Dan Griffin.

But is that really a good thing?

Dan sat down with Dr. Robert Jensen this week to explore the implications of porn for individuals and our culture at large, especially considering its role in male-dominated power systems.

“There’s nothing wrong with human beings using our creative capacities to explore the complexity of life …” Dr. Jensen says, “but there’s a difference between using our artisit and creative capacities and pornography.”

“It might be … that our sexual explorations are better conducted with real-live people and not through this mass-mediated channel.”

If you’re ready to reexamine your relationship with porn, these practical and tactical tips are a great star.

Practical & Tactical Tips

1. Instead of asking yourself what kind of man you want to be ask yourself what kind of human you want to be. Free yourself from worrying so much about what it means to be a man.
2. If you’re using porn, ask yourself why. Is something missing in your life or in your intimate relationships?  What are some ways you could find what you’re missing outside of pornography?
3. Think about what gets you aroused. Is it connected in some way to ideas of male power? What does that mean?

Listen the full episode here:

Please SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About Our Guest

Robert Jensen is a professor in the School of Journalism at the University of Texas at Austin and a board member of the Third Coast Activist Resource Center in Austin and the national group Culture Reframed. He is the author of The End of Patriarchy: Radical Feminism for Men (Spinifex Press, 2017). Jensen’s other books include Plain Radical: Living, Loving, and Learning to Leave the Planet Gracefully (Counterpoint/Soft Skull, 2015); Arguing for Our Lives: A User’s Guide to Constructive Dialogue (City Lights, 2013); All My Bones Shake: Seeking a Progressive Path to the Prophetic Voice, (Soft Skull Press, 2009); Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity (South End Press, 2007); The Heart of Whiteness: Confronting Race, Racism and White Privilege (City Lights, 2005); Citizens of the Empire: The Struggle to Claim Our Humanity (City Lights, 2004); and Writing Dissent: Taking Radical Ideas from the Margins to the Mainstream (Peter Lang, 2002). Jensen is also co-producer of the documentary film “Abe Osheroff: One Foot in the Grave, the Other Still Dancing” (Media Education Foundation, 2009), which chronicles the life and philosophy of the longtime radical activist.  An extended interview Jensen conducted with Osheroff is online . Jensen can be reached at [email protected] and his articles can be found online at http://robertwjensen.org/.

Mentioned in this Episode

Getting Off: Pornography and The End of Masculinity

The End of Patriarchy: Radical Feminism for Men

Candida Royalle

The post Practical & Tactical Tips: Power, Porn, and Patriarchy (Episode 20) appeared first on Dan Griffin.

When it comes to my work and women there can often be some confusion. First, some people think that because I am for men I must be against women. Frankly, that is just sad. I will also own that I have not been as outspoken as I could have about how much women’s issues mean to me. Women’s issues ARE men’s issues as well. Just as men’s issues are women’s issues. And all gender issues are all of our issues.

The following is an excerpt from my last book, A Man’s Way through Relationships. It is a section entitled “A Long Way to Go.” You can also listen to the podcast I did with Kristin Walker of Mental Health News Radio called The Year of the Woman that chronicled the powerful lessons I learned about how I can best support women with my work.

A Long Way to Go

I often tell people that a lot of my work comes from a feminist perspective, which gets different kinds of reactions. I explain that feminism simply means that I believe (1) men and women are inherently equal, and (2) we live in a society that is far from acknowledging that truth politically, socially, and interpersonally. Men and women are equal and different. This view can lead men to realize that, even if they do not see themselves as endorsing feminism, they nonetheless agree with its central tenets. It should not have to be so significant that we create a space in our world to acknowledge and honor that women are equal.

It also has to be acknowledged that around the world there is still a war against girls and women that is horrific and claims victims every day. Women are far from being free in many countries where basic human dignities are denied to them. Education and the ability to choose a husband are unavailable to women in certain countries. Others routinely practice female genital mutilation. Sexual slavery and
human trafficking, which also affects boys and men, is epidemic in many parts of the world, and the buying and selling of children as if they are chattel is feeding the pornography business.

David said the biggest change in his understanding of women since coming into recovery is that they “experience a lot of oppression.” Some men see this and other men do not. Yet every human being knows what it is like to suffer, notfeel good enough, and feel powerless. It would seem that this is the place where men need to find compassion for the plight of girls and women in our country and throughout the world. It doesn’t mean we are the bad guys or the problem, but we can either help to change the oppression of girls and women or perpetuate it. That is the choice every man has. Fighting to end this reality has to be a part of our journey in becoming the best men we can be. As a woman said at one of our trainings, “Men’s privilege and white people’s privilege are part of the Water.” I couldn’t agree more.

Nate said, “I have a close relationship with my daughters. I strive to help them become all they can be and to have an equal place in a ‘man’s world.’” We have to look at what we have internalized and see how it shows up in our lives. I see it all the time with me, if only in how often I still objectify women sexually, as well as in some of the judgments that still come up for me regarding women’s intelligence or competence.

If you want to have healthy relationships with the women in your life and you want to help raise your daughters or your friends’ and neighbors’ daughters or your nieces to be strong, beautiful, intelligent, and powerful women, you have to pay attention to this. All of the men I interviewed with daughters talked about how conscious they were of the fact that their daughters learned from them how to be treated by men. Mark said about his daughter, “She is a dream, and I am always looking for ways to teach her how to be treated by men.” I know that how I treat Nancy teaches Grace everything about how men treat women and about the man I am. I will never be perfect, but I pray that Grace will always see a father, even when he is angry or upset, who chooses peace, respect, and love. Ray said this about raising his daughters: “I feel a great responsibility to show them what it is to be an honorable man.” Amen.

If you are interested in reading more of my book or purchasing it you can go here. If you have already read it please consider rating it on Amazon (apparently those matter!) AND keep your eye out for my new podcast The Man Rules that will be launching next month!

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMAN’S DAY!

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