grief Archives - Dan Griffin

Good Grief, Dad

Dan Griffin — Tue, 12 Jun 2018 02:55:37 +0000

In this monthly What Men Would Tell You…If They Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV episode with Allen Berger, the two talk about Dads in honor of Father’s Month on the Man Rules Podcast. Specifically, the ways in which many men carry hidden grief over their relationships with their fathers.

Men tend to bury and carry a lot of grief about their relationships with their Dads. Whether their Dads died or left the family when they were young or were just emotionally absent during their upbringing, many men suffered from a deep, underlying sadness about their fathers’ inability to connect with them. And this sadness, filtered through The Man Rules, often came out as anger, rage, and/or good, old-fashioned “strong and silent type” stoicism. This is the perfect companion episode to Dan’s solo cast, Dear Dad.

There is no question this can be a heavy conversation but Allen and Dan bring their usual goofiness to the conversation. (You can be goofy, and still be alright, after all.) And, they offer some important tips to men who want to parent differently and for women who want to support them in that.

Practical and Tactical Tips

Women: don’t take what your man is doing personally. This doesn’t mean you put up with bad behavior, it just means that you don’t see his behavior as a reflection of any personal failing on your part. This will allow you to respond in a way that resonates with him.
For guys, we really want you to consider that there’s much more to your life than you’re living right now. You can’t find yourself in what you’ve constructed to define yourself. But, you also can’t step outside the narrative you’ve created on your own. You need someone— like a therapist or counselor— to share something about what’s going on that you couldn’t see.
This month, celebrate fathers by allowing them to be human and look at all the ways we haven’t done that. Create that space for yourself and/or for your father if he’s in your life.

About Our Guest

Allen Berger, Ph.D., is an internationally recognized expert in family and couples therapy, and in the science of addiction and recovery. He is best known for his work on integrating modern psychotherapy with the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and for his insights into emotional sobriety. He is also recognized for his outstanding work as a psychotherapist and trainer.

He brings a highly unique background to his profession. His own personal journey in recovery started in 1971, on the beautiful island of Oahu, Hawaii. There he fell in love with recovery and with helping people find their way out of the abyss of addiction into the light of recovery. He overcame dropping out of high school, and received a doctorate in clinical psychology from UC Davis in 1987. He was trained and mentored by two brilliant clinicians: William C. Rader, M.D. and Walter Kempler, M.D.

He is the author of several journal articles as well as two books: Love Secrets – Revealed (HCI Books, 2006) and the bestseller, 12 Stupid Things that Mess up Recovery (Hazelden, 2008)). His pamphlet How to Get the Most out of Group Therapy (Hazelden, 2007) helps new admissions understand the process of group therapy and how to use the group to optimize their experience in treatment.

His office is located in Southern California where he divides his time amongst private practice, teaching, writing and playing tennis.

Mentioned in This Episode

Dr. Walter Kempler

Dear Dad

His Last Steps, Earnie Larsen

Richard Rohr on Initiation

Dr. Aaron Kipnis

The Mankind Project

The Untethered Soul

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Episode 41: Gender Jiu-Jitsu with Dr. Jamie Marich

Dan Griffin — Mon, 04 Dec 2017 05:40:07 +0000

Jiu-Jitsu is a martial art that “promotes the concept that a smaller, weaker person can successfully defend themselves or another against a bigger, stronger, heavier assailant by using proper technique, leverage, and most notably, by taking the fight to the ground.” (Wikipedia)

As women–and some men–continue to come forward with accusations of sexual assault and sexual harassment against some of our nation’s most powerful men through the #metoo movement, we are all being forced to grapple with the painful reality of gender-based abuse and oppression–And sometimes it gets ugly. Why did this reckoning come, and why now? Is it really a reckoning or is it an overreaction? And who’s really being treated most unfairly these days?

Dr. Jamie Marich, an emotional trauma expert, expressive arts counsellor, writer, and student of Jiu-Jitsu talks with Dan about how we can overcome the gender divide through sharing our experiences with one another, having open and honest conversations and actively listening.

She and Dan also share some useful insights on how women and men can work through anger and grief in ways that help them connect with one another, learn from one another, and help one another take the fight against gender discrimination to the ground.

Practical & Tactical

Form platonic friendships with members of the “opposite sex” and people across the gender spectrum. Building the kinds of solid, validating, relationships we may have lacked in our childhood and/or early adulthood helps us to grow.
Explore safe, thriving, and adaptive activities–like martial arts or support groups–where women can express their anger, and men can express their grief, and have it witnessed in a non-judgmental way.
Face-to-face conversations are a lot more productive than online battles. When you notice that you are having a visceral reaction to social media discussions or internet news reports, take it to your therapist or a trusted friend to discuss.

About Our Guest

Jamie Marich, Ph.D., LPCC-S, LICDC-CS, REAT, RMT travels internationally speaking on topics related to EMDR therapy, trauma, addiction, expressive arts and mindfulness while maintaining a private practice in her home base of Warren, OH. She is the developer of the Dancing Mindfulness practice (www.dancingmindfulness.com). Jamie is the author of EMDR Made Simple: 4 Approaches for Using EMDR with Every Client (2011), Trauma and the Twelve Steps: A Complete Guide for Recovery Enhancement (2012), and Trauma Made Simple: Competencies in Assessment, Treatment, and Working with Survivors. Her newest book, Dancing Mindfulness: A Creative Path to Healing and Transformation released in the Fall of 2015. She is currently working on her latest book (in collaboration with Dr. Stephen Dansiger) EMDR Therapy and Mindfulness for Trauma-Focused Care (due out with Springer Publishing in 2017).

Mentioned in This Episode

Dr. Jamie Marich’s website

The Institute for Creative Mindfulness

Dancing Mindfulness

Trauma Made Simple

“For Guys Reading #MeToo Testimonies,” Courtney Martin, OnBeing

“pro tip: louis fucking ck,” KatyKatiKate

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Practical & Tactical Tips: Uncomfortably Numb – Rick Belden On Grief & Loss (Episode 35)

Dan Griffin — Thu, 26 Oct 2017 18:48:48 +0000

“The child is grown, the dream is gone. I have become comfortably numb.”

So many men could relate to that Pink Floyd lyric. Leading what Thoreau called “lives of quiet desperation,” so many of us stuff down our negative feelings day after day, until there’s not much room left in our hearts for joy.

It is only by feeling our feelings, embracing our humanity, and processing and releasing emotions like grief and sadness that we will ever find freedom.

But how can we begin that process when The Man Rules tell us that real men don’t talk about their feelings at all, let alone cry over them.

This week on The Man Rules podcast, poet Rick Belden joins host Dan Griffin to talk about ways you can finally start to process grief and discover a kind of strength you never knew you had.

Practical & Tactical Tips

Think of the person you’ve lost in your life who was really important to you. Write them a letter about how much you miss them, in as much detail as you can. Or, if you’d prefer, you could make a video on your phone. You may find that feelings you thought you were done with are still there.
Make use of the information that’s in your body. Think about something you’ve lost that you miss— it could be a person, a pet, or even a job. Then check in with your body and notice what’s going on? Are you feeling nauseous? A flutter in your chest? There may be some feeling there, that you need to process.
Crying is only one aspect of the grieving process. Take some kind of creative action as a result of your grief. Create some art, write some music, rebuild or restore something as a memorial, start a community project in honor of your loss.

Bonus: Find a good men’s group, if you can. (Psychology Today’s Support Group directory is one good resource, where you can search by location.)

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

GREAT NEWS! Rick is offering a 10 percent discount on enrollment in one of his coaching programs for men for The Man Rules podcast listeners. Sign up at RickBeldenCoaching.com.

About Our Guest

Rick Belden is a respected explorer and chronicler of the psychology and inner lives of men. He has been writing for most of his life and has been using creative expression, dreamwork, personal mythology, and listening to the body as tools for self-healing since 1989.

His book, Iron Man Family Outing: Poems about Transition into a More Conscious Manhood, is widely used in the United States and internationally by therapists, counselors, and men’s groups as an aid in the exploration of masculine psychology and men’s issues, and as a resource for men who grew up in dysfunctional, abusive, or neglectful family systems.

Rick’s poetry and essays have appeared in multiple books and on numerous websites around the world, reaching an international audience of many thousands of men and women. He helps men who are feeling stuck get their lives moving again by drawing on over 25 years of experience exploring men’s issues, masculine psychology, and recovery from abuse.

He lives in Austin, Texas.

Mentioned In This Episode

Rick’s website

Rick Belden Coaching

Men’s Group Directory on Psychology Today

Jenga

Magnolia

More Resources

Essay: Men and Grief

Essay: What If He Cries?

Poem: tears never cried

Video: Men and Grief: Does masculinity help with healing or make it more difficult?

Song: Comfortably Numb

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Episode 35: Uncomfortably Numb — Poet Rick Belden On Grief & Loss

Dan Griffin — Tue, 24 Oct 2017 18:08:55 +0000

When you were a young boy, you were probably very comfortable expressing grief over your losses. When the wheel fell off your favorite choo-choo train, you cried. When you lost your beloved binkie, you cried. If you had a pet that mysteriously disappeared one day, you cried and cried and cried.

All of that crying was helping you to process loss in a way that was meant to bring you wisdom about the bittersweet realities of the world around you. Those emotions were meant to help you build emotional resilience.

At some point in your boyhood however, you likely stopped crying — you weren’t a girl or a baby after all — and anesthetized yourself to all of the feelings of disappointment and sorrow that went along with it.

You didn’t make this up. It wasn’t really a choice. You got the message from so many sources that said this, in one way or another: Big boys don’t cry.

Rick Belden talks about how this process impeded your maturation and your ability to fully embrace your own humanity. In this episode, he and Dan talk about ways you can finally start to process grief and discover a kind of strength you never knew you had. They ask us to consider the idea that, maybe after everything we’ve been through, the real truth is that real men do feel grief and sadness. Real Men, in fact, do cry.

GREAT NEWS: Rick Belden is offering a 10 percent discount on enrollment in one of his coaching programs for men for The Man Rules podcast listeners. Sign up at RickBeldenCoaching.com.