Everyone is interested in how men and women are getting along these days. What if there were something other than “we’re from different planets” model? Once a month my good friend, Dr. Allen Berger, and I take over the Man Rules podcast to talk about our forthcoming book, What Men Would Tell You If They Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV.

This month Allen and I start our Man Rules discussion where we are going to discuss each of the 10 Man Rules that we unpack at length in the book. The first one is the Man Rule that is most often the first one named when I have the audience identify the Man Rules themselves: Don’t Cry.

This powerful Rule is about much more than simply not crying. It is one of the mega rules because so many of the other rules are built into it: don’t show feelings, don’t be vulnerable, don’t be weak, and many more.

How does it show up in your relationship? How does it show up in your life? The Water is very deep with this Rule.

Practical and Tactical

1. If you’re having difficulty crying, then be accepting of that. Then say this: “I am not going to cry because…” Get in touch with what you are doing to stop yourself from crying.
2. If you’re uncomfortable with someone else’s crying then ask yourself why that is. “I am uncomfortable with your/their crying because…” Find the answers to that question.
3. Write a letter or journal entry. Find the words that most accurately reflect your experiences in the moment. Uncensored.

The post What Men Would Tell You… About Crying appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Stories of violence continue to appear daily on our screens and we continue to wonder why. Is it the guns? Is it mental health? Is it video games? Is it Trump?

Is it men? All but two of the mass shootings in the history of this country have been perpetrated by men or even adolescent boys.

Maybe, says our guest Randy Flood. Though male socialization isn’t the only cause of male-perpetrated violence, it’s impossible to deny that it plays a role. Most men learn early on to disconnect from emotion—theirs and everyone else’s.“Suck it up” and “man up” culture has left many men without the ability to acknowledge their own pain and struggles. And, if you can’t even empathize with yourself, how can you ever really empathize with anyone else?

In short, men are left with no tools for dealing with things like fear, shame, rejection, loneliness, and anger. As a result, many act out aggressively, and sometimes violently – because those are the few tools many men are allowed to use to deal with the overwhelming emotional pain and suffering in their lives.

In this episode, Dan and Randy talk about how helping men gain emotional literacy and develop empathy can lead to a reduction in domestic violence and other violent crimes.

Practical & Tactical

1. Read a book that will challenge you to look at masculinity in a new way. Allow it to push you past your edges a bit.
2. Begin taking risks with vulnerability—Be wise about where you take those risks, of course. Make sure it’s with a trusted friend, family member or professional. But, give it a shot.
3. Recognize our history of patriarchy, be a good listener, work to be more empathetic, and, remember, that we are all in this together.

About Our Guest

Randy Flood, MA LLP is a therapist with the Fountain Hill Center, co-founder and director of the Men’s Resource Center and the Center for the Prevention and Treatment of Mascupathy. Flood has spent the last twenty years creating and developing specialized clinical services for men. Often called upon as an expert witness for district and circuit courts, Flood provides trainings on problems such as bullying, domestic violence, sexual addiction, and men in counseling. He also serves as a therapist and expert relating to parenting time and custody issues.

Flood’s first book, Stop Hurting the Woman You Love: Breaking the Cycle of Abusive Behavior, (Hazelden, 2006), co-authored with Charlie Donaldson, is widely considered one of the leading anger management books for men. He writes for several online and print publications and is a contributing writer to the Michigan Bar Journal and Voice Male magazine. Flood has consulted with national media such as the Christian Science Monitor and Minneapolis Sun Times on issues ranging from domestic violence to mass shootings. His expertise has also been featured on radio, television, podcasts, and in regional and state publications.

Mentioned In This Episode

Men’s Resource Center of West Michigan

Stop Hurting the Woman You Love

Mascupathy: Understanding and Healing the Malaise of American Manhood

Fight Club

I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression

Jackson Katz

Voice Male magazine

Intersectionality

The post Empathy is the Enemy of Violence – Episode 58 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

A major shift is happening in how we view gender, sexuality and violence. Many people, like our guest Mary Woods, see echoes of the 60s civil rights movements in this modern era of protest and consciousness raising. But, many men feel confused about their place in these movements. In the stories we hear day after day, men are the perpetrators of the sexual violence, racial violence, and gun violence. Much of the conversation focuses on how to change men–and no doubt, change is needed. But, as Dan often says, “We can’t just change what men think, we have to change what we think about men.”

Change cannot happen when people are silenced or dismissed. The Women’s Movement has had its success through teaching women how to understand the day-to-day mechanics of their oppression and the importance of speaking out against them. In order to speak out, they had to build a huge community of people who would lend their support and make it safe for them to speak out and take action.

We have to do the same for men.

In this episode Dan and Mary talk about the ways that we can support men as they confront the injustices of their socialization as men (i.e. be the biggest, the baddest, the richest, the meanest), wrestle with their relationships to power, and try to build a canal through the muddy waters of gender expectation.

Practical and Tactical

1. Sit down with someone of a different gender and ask them “What is your experience like living in our society today? What was living in your family like? And listen. Then, ask yourself if your ideas and perspectives changed, even just a little.
2. Look at the history of the women’s rights movement, the civil rights movement, and treatment of veterans. If you don’t study your history, you’re doomed to repeat it.
3. Join a group that will help you look at things from a different perspective. Joining with others to tell the truth about your experiences and listen closely as they tell the truth about theirs.

About Our Guest

Mary Ryan Woods holds a master’s degree in human service administration, is a Board Certified Licensed Registered Nurse and a Licensed Alcohol and Drug Abuse Counselor, who has over 37 years’ experience in substance abuse services and community mental health programs. Woods began her career in the addictions profession working in a variety of settings. Currently, she is the Executive Officer for WestBridge Community Services a private, nonprofit organization dedicated to the treatment of individuals and families with co-occurring mental illness and substance use disorders. WestBridge has programs in New Hampshire and Florida. She is a Past President for NAADAC the association of addiction professionals.

Mentioned in This Episode

WestBridge

Dual Diagnosis

The Post (movie)

George Carlin

All in The Family

The Lion’s Paw (Note: There are several variations of this story.)

Dialectical Behavior Therapy

The post Muddy Waters – Episode 56 appeared first on Dan Griffin.