Men’s experiences as fathers are more varied than popular culture would have you believe. Although the doors are beginning to open a little wider for men who want to take on duties that were traditionally only part of Mom’s domain, there is still a lot of stigma to battle.

Today, in honor of Father’s Month, Nate Brewer talks to Dan about his experiences as a stay-at-home Dad. He explains both how he made the decision to stay home with his kids, and how people tend to react to the revelation that parenting is his full-time job.

If you are also a stay-at-home Dad, Nate’s story will help you feel less alone. If you have some assumptions about what being a stay-at-home Dad means–playing video games in your pajamas all day, perhaps?– his story will likely entirely change your perception.

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When we become fathers, so many of our choices are reactions to how our fathers raised us. We often either fall in line with his expectations, or rebel against them. Either way, we aren’t really making our own choices, based on who we most want to be.

In this episode, Dan and Allen offer up some exercises you can do to begin to separate your own needs and desires from your father’s. It’s the first step toward developing more conscious fatherhood, and more conscious masculinity

Workshop: What Men Would Tell You If They Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV 

Women who want to a deeper dive into “What Men Would Tell You…” can spend time with Dan and Allen at the Bridge to Recovery (Bowling Green, Kentucky) in September during a 4-day workshop. Space is limited, so register today!

The post What Men Would Tell You… About Their Fathers appeared first on Dan Griffin.

In honor of both Father’s Month and Pride Month, we’re replaying this episode from 2018, featuring the late Tim Clausen.

Tim interviewed more than 80 men for his book Not the Son He Expected: Gay Men Talk Candidly About Their Relationship with Their Father. The book, and Tim’s interview here on the podcast, are helpful and encouraging resources for gay sons, their fathers, and for all those who love and care about them.

Tim’s own personal stories about his relationship with his father, and his relationship with his own son, serve as great examples of how to live with emotional courage while navigating the powerful, and sometimes troubling, relationships between fathers and sons.

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It’s not easy being a dad–at least not all the time. There were no manuals. No instruction. No classes. Not really. And so, as Dan says all the time, we do it imperfectly. We try to parent consciously, but we fail. A lot. What if, as a lot of the modern-day gurus attest, that feeling wasn’t a bad thing? What if it was part and parcel of success?  What if we could celebrate our failures? This week, Dan talks about what it’s like to fail sometimes at being a father and the challenges of accepting that failure and forgiving himself. And, the challenge of being truly willing to truly be okay with doing things imperfectly.

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Everyone told you being a Dad would be hard, right? Many probably even said, “Nothing can prepare you…” And, man, they were so right. There’s nothing we can tell you to make the transition to being a new Dad a smooth and easy one, but we can help you figure out how to be more involved, more present, and more engaged as a parent and a partner. That’s what we’re aiming to do in this series of Daddy Downloads based on Dan’s forthcoming book about fatherhood.

In this episode, Dan explains why it’s important for each Dad to know his story. Your story includes elements of who you’ve been, who you are now, and who you want to be as a father. How did your father shape your ideas about what it means to be a Dad? Which of his examples do you want to take with you as you build your own story, and which would you rather leave behind? Giving some thought to these questions will allow you to consciously choose how you show up day-to-day in your child’s life, rather than simply acting out a script written for you by our culture and your past.  

The post Daddy Download: Awesome Dads Know Their Story appeared first on Dan Griffin.

The rules have changed for being a Dad. There’s a lot of pressure these days for men to be more emotionally involved in parenting than their Dads were. But without role models, guidance and support for making these radical changes, what’s a Dad to do?

That’s why Dan is writing a book with a working title of Awesome Dads. He’s interviewed more than 30 Dads in all stages of parenthood and collected their best tips and advice. In this new podcast series, Dan will focus on one of the new rules for Dads each month, giving you a little bit of the guidance and encouragement you need to be as awesome a Dad as you can be.

In this, the first episode of the series, Dan explains the intent of his new book and reads an excerpt.

The post Daddy Download: The New Rules for Dads appeared first on Dan Griffin.

To parent is to spend most days in a state of barely-concealed, barely-contained insecurity, if not outright terror!

Our little loves trigger not only our fears for them–will they be happy, successful, productive members of society?–but also our deepest fears about ourselves–Am I a crappy person who is unwittingly raising a crappy person because I don’t recognize my own crappiness? Am I THAT parent with THAT kid? We are with them in the present yet they are constantly bringing up our past if we are paying attention.

So, we try to get a handle on that attitude of theirs. We try to nip that bad behavior in the bud. We try to show them who’s boss. We do it for their own good. Life ain’t fair, kid, and the world won’t treat you with kid gloves so you might as well start getting used to it now. Et cetera. We forget what it means to be a kid. They won’t live in our adult world but they’re not supposed to; we are supposed to live in theirs with as much compassion as discipline.  

[DEEP BREATH]

So, what if we let go of the idea that we have to be in control? What if instead, we aim to teach our kids how to make their own wise, healthy, and productive decisions, by actually letting them practice making their own decisions? Would we be raising entitled brats who expect everything to be handed to them? Or would be raising conscientious humans, who fully understand the power of choice? Maybe if we request, rather than demand, and allow them to negotiate, our kids will develop the ability to be true to themselves, while understanding and appreciating others’ points of view? What if we took a deep breath every time we were agitated or confused as to what to do? Just that alone could be transformative.

We often say we’d do anything for our kids. But, can we take this kind of risk? Can we be a different kind of Dad? More importantly, are we willing?  

Listen today for three tips on how to gain control over your need to control.

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In our monthly Deep Dive episode, Dan talks in depth with one man about how The Man Rules have impacted his life, and how he has worked toward a more conscious masculinity. This week Michael Dinneen manages to say a lot of really profound and beautiful things about finding God, without sounding the least bit like a sanctimonious arsehole. (That’s a rare gift.)

The conversation runs the gamut from friendship, parenting, recovery from addiction(s), and what it means to be a man. But, the highlight of each topic is the paradox that’s inherent in any man’s attempt at self-actualization— You can’t become self-reliant on your own. In fact, the more you rise out of the mucky swamp of your ego, the more you need to rely on others and on a power greater than yourself.

After listening to this episode, you’re probably going to want more wisdom from Michael. And you can find it in his book, The Gift of Fulfillment.

The post How to Get Over Yourself appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Tim Clausen, author, jazz musician, and friend of The Man Rules podcast,  passed away on July 29. Tim was on a mission to help men—especially gay men—find their voices, find peace, and find love in all of its many forms. We were so fortunate to have known him and to have had him as a guest on the show, where he modeled the emotional courage and open curiosity about his own inner life and the inner lives of others we believe is key to helping men lead happier, healthier lives.

In this episode, we pay tribute to Tim by looking back on some of the best advice, insights, and personal experiences he shared on the show. Tim’s words inspired us to keep working to find our own voices and live our most authentic lives, and we hope they will do the same for you. He will be terribly missed.

About Tim Clausen

January 1, 1960 – July 29, 2018

Tim Clausen was a jazz and blues pianist rooted in the great stride-piano tradition and an author. Self-taught, his stylistic influences included jazz giants Erroll Garner, Art Tatum, Oscar Peterson, Tommy Flanagan, Ahmad Jamal, and Carl Perkins. Tim was a featured pianist at many of Milwaukee’s finest restaurants, hotels, arts centers and special events, and performed at jazz engagements in Houston, Philadelphia and Paris, France. In his related work as jazz biographer, Tim interviewed dozens of jazz legends while putting together musical histories on his two favorite jazz pianists, Erroll Garner and Dave Catney. Tim published his first book, Love Together, in 2014 and his second book, Not The Son He Expected, on gay men’s relationships with their fathers in 2017.

Mentioned in This Episode

Tim Clausen on The Man Rules podcast:

Living in Broken Time — Jazz Pianist Tim Clausen on Gay Men and Their Fathers

Not the Son He Expected – Deep Dive with Tim Clausen

Tim Clausen’s Books:

Not the Son He Expected: Gay Men Talk Candidly About Their Relationship with Their Father

Love Together: Longtime Male Couples on Healthy Intimacy and Communication

The post A Tribute to Tim Clausen appeared first on Dan Griffin.

You have issues with your Dad. Whether you have a great, not-so-great, contentious, or non-existent relationship with him, there are bound to be some pain points that you’ve never talked to him or anyone else about. That’s why this month (June) we’re devoting every episode of The Man Rules podcast to exploring the good, the bad, and the ambivalent in regards to fatherhood.

In this episode, Dan kicks off Father’s Month by recommending that you write a letter to your Dad. You can talk about whatever you want and start however you would like. Just start the process and see what happens. You might talk about any lingering anger, sadness, pain, or frustration, you currently feel toward him. You don’t have to send it, of course. (In fact, in most cases, you probably shouldn’t send it. Even if you think you do want to send, it’s best to let it sit for at least 30 days before you make that decision.)

The idea of writing a “Dear Dad” letter automatically brings up a lot of resistance in people. When Dan asks people to write this same letter in his workshops, many people get angry, defensive, and uncomfortable. Each person’s stated reason for not wanting to do it is unique, but subconsciously, it all likely boils down to one thing— fear. Opening those old wounds can change the way you see your father for better and worse. Whether you idolize or vilify your father, chances are, writing this letter will bring him up (or down) to a human level. And, that can start to break down some of the usual defences and coping mechanisms you’ve developed around that relationship. Seeing your father in black and white terms— as either a total saint or totally irredeemable asshole—  might be preventing you from seeing him fully, and as result, might also prevent you from seeing yourself fully. And, as if that wasn’t enough, your relationships with all other men have been shaped in large part by your relationship with your father; heal your wounds with your father and you’ll likely heal your wounds with other men.

If you approach this exercise openly and honestly, you might start to uncover unhealthy perceptions and patterns of behavior you’ve never noticed before. And, that’s a very important step toward living more consciously.

Finally, remember this: You cannot write the WRONG letter but you can write the EASY letter.

About Dan Griffin

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The truth—as both Dan and his guest Dr. Michael Levittan see it—is that the ways we raise boys and girls to relate to one another is dysfunctional at best, personally damaging and emotionally debilitating at worst. The consequences of this reality range from domestic violence and sexual assault to a life full of disconnection and dissatisfaction in relationships.

So how do imperfect people and imperfect parents such as ourselves, with our own struggles and hang-ups when it comes to power dynamics in relationships, show our children a better way? According to Dr. Michael, one way is to raise them without consequences.

For those of us who are parents, that sounds crazy, right? Irresponsible, even! But, the remarkable thing about Dr. Michael’s approach, is that it can help kids, teenagers, and young adults make space in their minds so that they can actually think for themselves about the potential consequences of their actions and have a productive conversation with their parent(s) without the fear, resentment, or anger—feelings that so often get in the way of kids (and adults!) ability to make good decisions.  

Practical and Tactical

1. Our kids aren’t the only ones who need to evolve and grow over time. We have to evolve and grow right along with them to be good parents.
2. Perform regular self-assessments. “How did that conversation go? How could I have done that better? What steps could I have taken to get better control over my emotions before starting the conversation? What will I do differently next time?”
3. Every parent has bad moments, but children often feel unloved when we yell or display harshness, distance, or coldness. When you do feel angry at your child, try to have empathy for what they may be feeling and remind them of your unconditional love: “I’m really angry at you, but my love for you is as strong as ever.”

About Our Guest

Dr. Michael (Levittan) is an accomplished and recognized expert on domestic violence, anger management, child abuse, trauma and PTSD. He is a licensed psychotherapist, director of a state certified batterers’ treatment program, serves as an Expert Witness in court, teaches seminars and courses at UCLA Extension, National Alliance on Mental Illness, International Conference on Violence, Abuse, and Trauma, Inter-Agency Council on Child Abuse and Neglect, L.A. Superior Court, California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, U.S. Marines, Women’s Shelters, etc. He appeared as an expert on the Tyra Banks Show, Starting Over, Bad Girls Club, Montel Williams, Hollywood 411, and in radio, online, and print publications. Dr. Michael s believes in working to further the cause of establishing safety in the family and peace in the world. His passion and determination come across in his presentations.

Mentioned in This Episode

His Story, Her Story by Debra Warner

michaellevittan.com

The post Truth and Consequences – Episode 55 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

In this episode of The Man Rules podcast, The Deep Dive Guys (Tim Walsh, Michael Dinneen, and Dan) talk about the ways in which they felt “different” as kids, the consequences, both internal and external, that they experienced for breaking The Man Rules, and the ways in which they are striving to change the rules and make things different for their kids.

What does it mean to be a “sensitive man” or a “tough girl?” How can we make sure that the gender-positive message we send our kids at home override the negative message they receive out in the world?

Mentioned in This Episode

Pictures of Tim’s Most Recent Outdoor Adventure

Anchorman, one our producer’s favorite movies of all time, which was only alluded to because none of the guys could remember its name, leaving said producer trapped in a glass case of outrage and emotion.  Insert video clip: https://youtu.be/5fmHCNfowbQ

About the Deep Dive Guys

For more information about Tim Walsh, check out his website timwalshconsulting.com. And, you can find Michael Dinneen on LinkedIn.

The post The Deep Dive Guys Do It Differently – Episode 49 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

I hated my father for a very long time. Of course, when we are honest with ourselves most of our hate comes out of deep hurt. And that is exactly what it was for me: I felt deeply hurt that my father was never quite able to be the man that we seemed forced to celebrate every Father’s Day. He was never quite able to be the father that I needed. If he made it through the day’s “celebration” without getting drunk and/or yelling or berating one or all of us it was a good day. I do not say this to defame or castigate my father. He was a much more complicated man than his alcoholism or his abusiveness. He was brilliant, talented, creative, funny, a good provider, and even sensitive. Though I can probably count them on both hands, there are times when my father showed up as the father I believe he truly wanted to be. The man beneath the armor. But it would be disingenuous to act as if there was not a much darker side to my relationship with my father.

Inextricably connected to my ability to be a father has been the healing work I have had to do around my relationship with my father who, sadly, lost his own battle with chronic alcoholism twenty years ago this year, at the age of 54. His tale is one that has been told far too often, written in the Book of Men and Masculinity throughout the ages. These tales lack the hallmark ending and no two dollar card can make it all okay. As a man in long-term recovery from his own addiction I am not only changing my story but I’d like to think I am even changing my father’s story.

The more I have been able to free myself from the pain and hurt of my fractured relationship with my father the more I have been able to see him as a human being who was full of suffering, trapped in the armor of masculinity in which he ultimately suffocated.

The process of forgiveness in my own relationship with my father has not been about forgetting him or even “the good, the bad, and the ugly” experiences but simply letting go of the hurt. The more I have been able to let go the more I have been able to emerge as my best self. It has not been perfect. There are vestiges of the best parts of my father and the worst parts of my father still inside of me. There will always be. For that I am actually grateful; all of those experiences have helped to create the man – and father – I have become.

A lot of what I learned about how to be a father I learned from my father. I learned a lot about what not to do and how not to be. Every young man watches the men around him to figure out how to be a man. How to treat women. How to treat kids. My father was not a horrible person. He was just a very sick person. He had a lot of childhood trauma that I had no idea about until after his death. My father didn’t talk about his daily life so there was no way he was going to open up about some of the most painful experiences of his life. So he just went into the basement and listened to his country albums. Or spewed the toxic poison of his pain all over the people who loved him the most. Such is the sad experience for so many men with trauma. I found a worksheet from his time in treatment where we stated so simply, “I’ve never thought anyone would even care about my problems.” My heart broke when I read those words while cleaning up his office shortly after his death.

The real truth? I miss my father. Not a week goes by that I do not think of him and what we could have had. I talk to him all of the time. I have spent the past twenty years asking him to be the father he never could be while he was alive as I have navigated the inevitable trials and tribulations of life. My relationship with my father has transformed over the years since his death as I have matured. As I have gotten glimpses into my own darkness. As I have come to realize how people experience me versus how I want to come across. All of that has brought me closer to the father I never met. I think about the father he wanted to be versus the father he was. I think about who he was in his heart of hearts. That is the father I celebrate – and grieve – on Father’s Day. The truth is, I never hated my father. I just hated the fact that I never really got the chance to meet him.

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I love being a father. It is truly one of the greatest experiences of my life. I am only six years into this journey and I have grown and changed so much as a result of my beautiful daughter, Grace, coming into my life. In fact, I often tell people, “I cannot really say I have changed because there is no part of my life that has been untouched by this amazing and challenging experience. It is not change – it is transformation; nothing is as it once was.”

First, I am so very clear that I would not be a father without my recovery from addiction, twenty-one years ago right after graduating from college. I would mostly be a sperm donor who was unable to truly connect with his daughter because of all of his own pain and trauma. Those twisted forces would have pushed and pulled me in so many directions that like a tornado I would leave incredible wreckage in the lives of those who were foolish enough to try to love me.

But that is not my story.

I have been raised by the men of the recovery community since I was 21 years old. They have shown me how to be a real man – and as a result a truly loving and healthy father and husband. I am far from perfect. There are times when I get frustrated. Upset. Irritated. Times when I am controlling. Unreasonable. But she’s 5 years old. She is only being a five year old. She doesn’t have the wealth of experience or intellect that I do that enables me to apply reason to any of the numerous behaviors I want her to either stop or start, depending on the day or my mood. And I know it has much less to do with Grace than it has to do with me and where I am at emotionally, physically, and even spiritually at any given moment. The better I take care of myself the better I am able to be present for Grace. That is an axiom for any relationship that our society is still trying to accept.

The truth is I didn’t want to be a father. I was so desperately afraid of hurting a child and causing them pain that I was determined to spare a child of any of that experience. I did not trust myself. But it was not my decision alone, thank God. My wonderful wife, Nancy, not only had a deep desire to be a mother but she saw in me the father I could be. The father I have become! But I could not see that man through the wall of pain and trauma I was still carrying with me, long into my recovery from addiction.

Until I held that beautiful girl in my arms for the very first time. In that moment, I knew I wanted nothing other than to do everything I could to be the best father I can be and that means surrounding myself with support, asking for help and always remaining teachable.

Esther Perel, the popular relationship and sex expert, says men are finally being given permission to be fathers. Not just providers or disciplinarians. We are whole people who are invited – even expected – to be emotionally engaged in our children’s lives.  The challenge has been – and still is – learning how to do that. I was not shown how to nurture a child, in fact, I was shown the opposite. I was not taught how to allow my more vulnerable and softer side to lead in how I develop connection – in fact, I was shown the opposite. Yet I have been working very hard to learn these important relationship skills as they are indispensable to being a loving father.

I am a very human and imperfect father. I am constantly learning and growing. This coming father’s day is less a celebration of me than it is of the gift I have been given: I absolutely love being a father.

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