The second is in terms of emotional courage. The rise in popularity of thinkers like Brene Brown has taught us that vulnerability is a willingness to show up, be seen as we really are, and form connections with others without hidden agendas. (That’s good.) “Connecting” with person X, in order to achieve Y, as so many of us in sales and/or politics often do, is not the point. The point is just to connect— for the sake of your mental and spiritual health, and, more importantly, theirs.

In this episode, Dan and Allen point out some of the key differences between healthy vulnerability and unhealthy vulnerability.  And, for partners who struggle to understand why their men won’t just talk about it, for godsakes, they also point out some ways in which The Man Rules make practicing healthy vulnerability difficult for men, and offer some ideas for how you can help change the culture of vulnerability in your household, and beyond…

Allen also shares his recent first-hand experience with both physical and emotional vulnerability as an evacuee of the California wildfires. Allen, his family, and his home are all okay, but there are many who still struggling through the aftermath. Here are some ways you can help them.

The post What Men Would Tell You…About Vulnerability appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Everyone is interested in how men and women are getting along these days. What if there were something other than “we’re from different planets” model? Once a month my good friend, Dr. Allen Berger, and I take over the Man Rules podcast to talk about our forthcoming book, What Men Would Tell You If They Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV.

This month Allen and I start our Man Rules discussion where we are going to discuss each of the 10 Man Rules that we unpack at length in the book. The first one is the Man Rule that is most often the first one named when I have the audience identify the Man Rules themselves: Don’t Cry.

This powerful Rule is about much more than simply not crying. It is one of the mega rules because so many of the other rules are built into it: don’t show feelings, don’t be vulnerable, don’t be weak, and many more.

How does it show up in your relationship? How does it show up in your life? The Water is very deep with this Rule.

Practical and Tactical

1. If you’re having difficulty crying, then be accepting of that. Then say this: “I am not going to cry because…” Get in touch with what you are doing to stop yourself from crying.
2. If you’re uncomfortable with someone else’s crying then ask yourself why that is. “I am uncomfortable with your/their crying because…” Find the answers to that question.
3. Write a letter or journal entry. Find the words that most accurately reflect your experiences in the moment. Uncensored.

The post What Men Would Tell You… About Crying appeared first on Dan Griffin.

It’s rarely easy for any of us to say “I love you” for the first time. But, this can be especially true when one straight guy loves another straight guy. Of course, those times are changing. Especially thanks to your friends at Budweiser all of those years ago. 

The Water doesn’t leave much room for expressing all the different types of love that men experience. It’s okay to express familial love, and it’s okay to express love for a person you are interested in having sex with or currently having sex with, but expressing love for someone who is not blood-related and/or a potential sex partner? That’s just WEIRD, man. Or strictly verboten.

This week our guest Bob Nickman joins Dan for a Deep Dive on why, even in a culture that frowns on it, it’s worth taking the risk of telling your closest male friends that you love them. It’s one way to tear the social barriers that prevent men from developing close, nurturing friendships with other men. Bob and Dan talk about their own fears in expressing those feelings, and what the result has been of taking the risk.

Practical & Tactical

1. The next time you feel like you have a friend that you love — say it.
2. Put a “comma man” after it the first time. Make it a little less vulnerable.
3. You don’t need to hear it back for it to matter.
4. In the next month, find one man to whom you can say it. And do it!

About Our Guest

Bob Nickman is an American comedian, actor, television producer, and television writer. As a television producer/writer, his credits include Mad About You, Freaks and Geeks, Danny, According to Jim, Big Day, Rita Rocks and Roseanne. As an actor, he appeared in four episodes of Roseanne from 1994 to 1995, as well as guest starring in an episode of Designing Women in 1990, his acting debut. He also appeared in the films Shakes the Clown (1991) and Crossing the Bridge (1992). He is a native of Cleveland, Ohio and performed stand-up comedy for much of the 1980s. He is currently the host of The Exploding Human Podcast where he interviews people in the fields of health and healing in body, mind and spirit. 

Mentioned in This Episode

The 7 Types of Love

“Guy Love” from Scrubs

The post I Love You…Man appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Stories of violence continue to appear daily on our screens and we continue to wonder why. Is it the guns? Is it mental health? Is it video games? Is it Trump?

Is it men? All but two of the mass shootings in the history of this country have been perpetrated by men or even adolescent boys.

Maybe, says our guest Randy Flood. Though male socialization isn’t the only cause of male-perpetrated violence, it’s impossible to deny that it plays a role. Most men learn early on to disconnect from emotion—theirs and everyone else’s.“Suck it up” and “man up” culture has left many men without the ability to acknowledge their own pain and struggles. And, if you can’t even empathize with yourself, how can you ever really empathize with anyone else?

In short, men are left with no tools for dealing with things like fear, shame, rejection, loneliness, and anger. As a result, many act out aggressively, and sometimes violently – because those are the few tools many men are allowed to use to deal with the overwhelming emotional pain and suffering in their lives.

In this episode, Dan and Randy talk about how helping men gain emotional literacy and develop empathy can lead to a reduction in domestic violence and other violent crimes.

Practical & Tactical

1. Read a book that will challenge you to look at masculinity in a new way. Allow it to push you past your edges a bit.
2. Begin taking risks with vulnerability—Be wise about where you take those risks, of course. Make sure it’s with a trusted friend, family member or professional. But, give it a shot.
3. Recognize our history of patriarchy, be a good listener, work to be more empathetic, and, remember, that we are all in this together.

About Our Guest

Randy Flood, MA LLP is a therapist with the Fountain Hill Center, co-founder and director of the Men’s Resource Center and the Center for the Prevention and Treatment of Mascupathy. Flood has spent the last twenty years creating and developing specialized clinical services for men. Often called upon as an expert witness for district and circuit courts, Flood provides trainings on problems such as bullying, domestic violence, sexual addiction, and men in counseling. He also serves as a therapist and expert relating to parenting time and custody issues.

Flood’s first book, Stop Hurting the Woman You Love: Breaking the Cycle of Abusive Behavior, (Hazelden, 2006), co-authored with Charlie Donaldson, is widely considered one of the leading anger management books for men. He writes for several online and print publications and is a contributing writer to the Michigan Bar Journal and Voice Male magazine. Flood has consulted with national media such as the Christian Science Monitor and Minneapolis Sun Times on issues ranging from domestic violence to mass shootings. His expertise has also been featured on radio, television, podcasts, and in regional and state publications.

Mentioned In This Episode

Men’s Resource Center of West Michigan

Stop Hurting the Woman You Love

Mascupathy: Understanding and Healing the Malaise of American Manhood

Fight Club

I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression

Jackson Katz

Voice Male magazine

Intersectionality

The post Empathy is the Enemy of Violence – Episode 58 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

For Jason MacKenzie, everything was going as planned. He had a great job, a beautiful wife, two kids, a nice house, and a nice car. So, how did he one day find himself, widowed, and drinking until he passed out (again) on his couch, while his heartbroken 9-year-old daughter played on the floor alone?  

On this episode of The Man Rules podcast, Jason explains how he radically changed his life by stepping outside of his alpha male persona and embracing his long-hidden emotionality, sensitivity, and creativity through vulnerability. You’ll learn more about his mission to help other men discover the power of emotion through his Mental Health Warriors project and hear his Practical and Tactical Tips for living a more authentic life. He and Dan also discuss the differences between the problematic use of alcohol and addiction, and paths available to recovery.

Practical and Tactical Tips

1. There is so much knowledge and wisdom to be gained through your emotions. Allow yourself to feel every single one. You don’t have to let them dictate your decisions in order to learn from them.
2. Be willing to share your story in order to help others. This doesn’t mean that you have no boundaries and share anything and everything and with anyone and everyone. It means that you recognize when someone is struggling, and offer to share your story if you think it will help them.
3. When you start to step into your emotions, you are going to create opportunities for yourself that you’ve never even imagined before. Learn to embrace those opportunities and to learn from disappointment and failure.

Bonus: If you’d like to talk to someone about what you’re going through right now, you can book a complimentary two-hour conversation with Jason at MentalHealthWarriors.com.

About Our Guest

Jason MacKenzie is an expert on peak human performance. His philosophy, experience, and methods are born from the laboratory of his own life and the lives of the people he serves. A father, published author, experienced speaker, and proven leader Jason is sharing the important life lessons he has learned from his harrowing personal journey. He is a survivor of his wife’s battle with bipolar disorder and subsequent suicide and has overcome a decade-long battle with alcohol. His goal is to equip every man with the tools to become a better father, leader, and human being. Find out more at MentalHealthWarriors.com

Mentioned on The Show

The Mental Health Warriors Podcast

Terry Real – “The impact of male socialization is disconnection.”

Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability

The post What’s Left When It All Falls Away – Episode 51 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

On this week’s episode, he and Dan talk about the ways that men can unpack their fantasies–whether they involve sex, money, fame, power, or all of the above–to find out who they really are and who they want to be. They also discuss all the reasons you need to make peace with your shadow side, and how to ask yourself the kinds of questions that will help you have a real and lasting impact on your work, on your love life, and on the world.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

Practical & Tactical

1. Become aware of the things you avoid and start to lean into them. How are those things shaping the results you achieve at work and in life? How are they shaping your intimate relationships? How are they shaping who you are as a man?
2. Get familiar with your shadow side. Take a deep look at the parts of yourself that you tend to want to hide. Think about how you can be vulnerable about those things in a way that is conscientious and helps you connect with others.
3. All men want to be great in bed. Think about what your fantasies are. What/Who do you objectify and why? Where do those fantasies come from and why do they exist? Recognizing these things will help you move past objectification and allow you to connect with your partner(s) and stay present in each moment.

About Our Guest

Connor Beaton is the founder of ManTalks, an international organization focused on men’s health, wellness, success, and fulfilment. Connor is also an international speaker, podcast host, CEO, and leader of ManTalks mission to build a global brotherhood. business coach and lifestyle entrepreneur. Before founding ManTalks, Connor had a brief career as an opera singer and worked at Apple, leading high-performance sales and operations teams. Since founding ManTalks, Connor has spoken on stage at TEDx, taken ManTalks to over a dozen cities internationally and has been featured on platforms like Forbes, Influencive, HeForShe, The Good Men Project, UN Women, CBC, CBS, and the National Post.

Mentioned on the Show

ManTalks

Connor Beaton’s website 

The post Episode 38: Beyond Boobs, Babes, and Bloodsports with Connor Beaton appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Despite all the ways that sex continues to pervade our culture, research shows that the younger generations are having less actual, in-person sex than you might think. And those having sex might still feel like something’s missing.

This week, therapist and sex researcher Alexandra Katehakis, Ph.D, joins host Dan Griffin to explore the ways that honesty, vulnerability, and a little bit of self-exploration can do more for your sex life than any app.

If you’re ready to get started, try these easy tips.

Practical & Tactical Tips

1. Sit down with a piece of paper and ask yourself what you really like sexually. What’s true for you right now? What brings you pleasure? Don’t edit it and don’t judge it.
2. Vulnerability is highly attractive when, paradoxically, it’s coming from a place of strength, meaning that you have a sense of certainty about who you are. That kind of vulnerability allows you to take the risk of being honest with yourself and honest with your partner(s), which in turn, helps you grow yourself up sexually in ways that are novel, exciting, and deeply fulfilling.
3. Get clear about what you want in a relationship. As you start to move toward an intimate relationship with someone, pay attention to whether they are really present and receptive during sexual encounters, or if they are putting on an act. The keys to better sex and better relationships are awareness and appropriate action.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About Our Guest

Alexandra Katehakis is the Founder and Clinical Director of the Center for Healthy Sex in Los Angeles and the author of Erotic Intelligence: Igniting Hot, Healthy Sex While in Recovery from Sex Addiction,Sex Addiction as Affect Dysregulation: A Neurobiologically Informed Holistic Treatmentand co-author of the award-winning daily meditation book, Mirror of Intimacy: Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence and contributing author of the award-winning clinical textbook Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addicts. Katehakis is a clinical supervisor at American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists and clinical supervisor and member of the teaching faculty for the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP) a national certifying body for sex addiction therapists. She is a regular contributor to Psychology Today and The Huffington Post,as well as a prominent expert panelist at sexuality conferences and public events.

Mentioned In This Episode

Mirror of Intimacy, by Alexandra Katehakis

The Center for Healthy Sex

The post Practical & Tactical Tips: Sex Is A Crisis & An Opportunity (Episode 34) appeared first on Dan Griffin.

As Brené Brown has shown beautifully, you can’t teach vulnerability without being vulnerable. Not really. Not with integrity. It is so easy to be the teacher. To be the expert. Maintaining such a persona can be very safe. After all, I am a Senior Fellow at The Meadows. I am author of several books. Blah, blah, blah. That is all of the subterfuge the ego comes up with to keep us disconnected.

The truth is my life fell apart quickly right after I completed the workshop at The Meadows. The same one I just wrote about last week. It was amazing and powerful with amazing vulnerability from all. There was more, however, to the story.  What happened is at the core of my work and is absolutely a part of the larger conversation about men, relationships, and trauma.

As it was my first workshop at a place as special as The Meadows is to me I had some anxiety. Was I going to have an impact? Was I going to bring value to these people’s lives? I worked hard to do my own grounding and get support for those feelings of insecurity so I could be present. That said, it was there with me the whole weekend.

I was very focused on creating a safe and tight space for the attendees. I gave everything I had. They knew it, they felt it, and they appreciated it. I focused on my self-care every day with meditation, prayer, grounding exercises, and checking in with others. Nonetheless, I was exhausted. I had dipped deeply into my own vulnerability while honoring the fearless vulnerability of those in attendance. The workshop ended and I said goodbye to the participants thanking them for their trust and their amazing work.

Being exhausted I had nothing left for the two people who mean the most to me: my wife and my daughter. How often is that the case for men? So often we define our value by what we do and who we think we are, giving all of our energy to those endeavors. Without even meaning to we arrive home with an empty tank many times not even realizing it.

This time my wife and daughter had come with me for this trip because it was on a holiday weekend and I really don’t like giving up my weekends because of the toll that travel takes.

My number one message to the attendees: take care of yourselves and be very mindful of “aftershocks” from the work you did. I was paying attention to how I was doing and had I been alone and had time to decompress I would have been able to better transition. But I didn’t. And I was caught very off guard. It is amazing how quickly, when you’re dysregulated and your brain has been trained for anger and reactivity, it can happen. Seemingly out of nowhere but, of course, that is not true. There is a complex process taking place and the more we can slow it down and see it, the easier we can manage it and intervene when we need to. But when we have nothing left in the tank? The bottom line: I was spent and much more vulnerable and raw than I realized.

I wrote the following in my first book A Man’s Way through the Twelve Steps in a section I called “All is well.” The quote is from the chapter on Step Two which explores the idea of how we find faith and sense that, despite much of the seeming evidence to the contrary, everything is going to be alright:

Life sometimes feels as though it is falling apart for one very simple reason – because it is. In fact, life is constantly falling apart, and then offering us the opportunity to experience the full depth of what it means to be human. When you are settled with deep faith in the inherent goodness of the Universe, invite your life to fall apart. You will be okay. You will be okay because “All is well”……No matter how your outside life is arranged. No matter how crazy the world seems. No matter how much it seems as though the dark side has won. No matter how you feel. “All is well.” 

I hold that truth to be self-evident and that makes a huge difference when your brain is telling you otherwise. When that fight or flight reaction fires, that deep knowledge might just not be accessible because of how tenuous – at best – our connection is to the pre-frontal cortex, the keeper of knowledge. My brain has been programmed to fight for many, many years. Though that wiring is undoubtedly changing it is still there and can still be easily sparked.

There is no question that I acted hurtfully to two of the people I love the most. From a spiritual perspective there has already been a lot of positives to come out of that including me deepening my own work and seeing a therapist again. It also created an amazing space for a new conversation between the three of us for healing with new communication and boundaries.

I may never be the man I aspire to be but I am far from the man that I was. I always say that it is not about doing life perfectly, it is about doing our lives consciously. At the end of the day that is all that we can ask.

There are still spots available for the April 28-30 workshop at The Meadows. You can learn more about it HERE. 

The post Things Fall Apart: A Man’s Way Workshop – Part 2  appeared first on Dan Griffin.