There’s no tenure for manhood. The false promise of The Man Rules is that if you follow them closely enough, for long enough, you will soon rest easy in your identity as a man. But, the truth is, a man’s status as a man will have to constantly renewed-daily. Sometimes hourly! Think of all the opportunities he has throughout the day to mess up and have his man card revoked! (Men: For help with this exercise, see the list of The Man Rules, and ask yourself how many you’ve followed and how many you’ve broken today.) In this episode, based on the final chapter in Dan and Allen’s forthcoming book, we talk about one of the most frequent opportunities men have to feel emasculated–when someone asks them a question for which they do not have an answer.

Women: Dan and Allen help you understand why your man seems to cling so stubbornly to giving advice and solving all your problems for you when you really just want him to listen. Men: Dan and Allen will help you recognize whether you’re suffering from working so hard to avoid the discomfort of not knowing, the constant need to prove how much you know, and idea that you should not have to work to know the answers–you should be born knowing, if you are a real man. Dan and Allen don’t have all the answers, but they do have their own experiences in learning to let go of the need to know, and they share those with you in order to help you improve your relationships.

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When we become fathers, so many of our choices are reactions to how our fathers raised us. We often either fall in line with his expectations, or rebel against them. Either way, we aren’t really making our own choices, based on who we most want to be.

In this episode, Dan and Allen offer up some exercises you can do to begin to separate your own needs and desires from your father’s. It’s the first step toward developing more conscious fatherhood, and more conscious masculinity

Workshop: What Men Would Tell You If They Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV 

Women who want to a deeper dive into “What Men Would Tell You…” can spend time with Dan and Allen at the Bridge to Recovery (Bowling Green, Kentucky) in September during a 4-day workshop. Space is limited, so register today!

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Being “cool” is ultimately about fitting in. And, unfortunately, one of the requirements of fitting in for most men–whether their definition of “cool” leans more toward the Jock table or the Dungeons ‘n Dragons table–is pretending that you have no need for emotional connection. In fact, you have no need for emotions at all.

Do we even need to point out that this can seriously complicate relationships?

In this episode, Dan and Allen Berger explain what women need to know about the ways in which “The Cool Rule” affects their man and their relationship with him. As a caring partner, how can women help the men in their lives finally chip away the ice, and live as the man he is, rather than as the man he thinks everyone wants him to be?

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As a kid, you probably wanted to be cool. And if you were a boy, being cool meant being tough. Being tough meant being able to fight and win. If you weren’t tough, you immediately felt inadequate. You weren’t going to be able to protect yourself, you weren’t going to be able to protect anyone else, and women were not going to be attracted to you.

But, as with every Man Rule, there’s a positive side. The Fight Rule and The Protector Rule are closely related. Often the fight can inspire men to protect and defend the people, institutions, and values that we hold dear.

In this episode, Allen and Dan talk about their conflicting feelings of fear, shame, and pride in their own personal histories with fighting.

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Once a month, Dan and Dr. Allen Berger sit down to talk about a chapter from their forthcoming book, What Men Would Tell You…If We Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV. The title of the book is meant to be humorous, but it speaks to the real frustration that many women experience in their (heterosexual) relationships. The book breaks down each of The Man Rules in an effort to help women understand the roots of men’s sometimes baffling responses to intimacy, commitment, and vulnerability.

This week, Dan and Allen explore The Protector Rule, and how it can bring out both the best and the worst in a man. The protector rule is often what drives a man to protect the family and the community he cares deeply about it. But, it also drives some men to justify cruel behavior toward their partners with the assumption that “it’s for her own good.”  Dan and Allen help both men and women recognize how The Protector Rule is at play in their relationship in both negative and positive ways.

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American philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson said that true success is “… to appreciate the beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better…”

Clearly, that guy never had two kids and a mortgage.

In this episode, Dan and Allen talk about the Man Rule that often drives many of men’s decisions about their work and personal lives–The Success Rule. Success for men is often defined by having a lot of money, having a prestigious job title, and having the most sex with the hottest women. Sadly, it can lead to men choosing careers they aren’t really interested in and choosing relationships based in status-seeking, rather than the desire for a real, intimate partnership.

Dan and Allen encourage men to take a look at their own definitions of success and to ask themselves if it’s really their own definition or one that they’ve just absorbed through The Water.

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