It’s not easy being a dad–at least not all the time. There were no manuals. No instruction. No classes. Not really. And so, as Dan says all the time, we do it imperfectly. We try to parent consciously, but we fail. A lot. What if, as a lot of the modern-day gurus attest, that feeling wasn’t a bad thing? What if it was part and parcel of success?  What if we could celebrate our failures? This week, Dan talks about what it’s like to fail sometimes at being a father and the challenges of accepting that failure and forgiving himself. And, the challenge of being truly willing to truly be okay with doing things imperfectly.

The post Fathers Failing Forward appeared first on Dan Griffin.

When you have sex (or masturbate) do you have a goal in mind? Do you approach each sexual encounter with an unconscious strategy toward the endgame? (C’MON OF COURSE YOU DO.) Cam Fraser, a certified sexologist, Yoga teacher, and pioneer of conscious sexuality, is here to explain that by taking a goal-oriented approach to sex, you might be selling yourself, and/or your partner short.

Cam posits that all of our experiences are based in three relationships: our relationship with ourselves, our relationship with our deeper consciousness, and our relationship to our environment and other people. In this episode, he offers tips for deepening our relationship in all three areas, through the practice of giving and receiving pleasure, while expanding the focus of sex beyond orgasm and ejaculation.

The post Doing It, Consciously appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Being “cool” is ultimately about fitting in. And, unfortunately, one of the requirements of fitting in for most men–whether their definition of “cool” leans more toward the Jock table or the Dungeons ‘n Dragons table–is pretending that you have no need for emotional connection. In fact, you have no need for emotions at all.

Do we even need to point out that this can seriously complicate relationships?

In this episode, Dan and Allen Berger explain what women need to know about the ways in which “The Cool Rule” affects their man and their relationship with him. As a caring partner, how can women help the men in their lives finally chip away the ice, and live as the man he is, rather than as the man he thinks everyone wants him to be?

The post What Men Would Tell You…About Being Cool appeared first on Dan Griffin.

It was a true honor to have Claudia Black, a pioneer in the study of the impact alcoholism has on families, join us on The Man Rules podcast. Claudia has dedicated her life to looking at the impact of trauma on family systems and the generational impact of alcoholism and other addictions.

In this week’s episode, Dan and Claudia talk about what makes shame and trauma are so powerful and how to better recognize their impact. Claudia breaks down exactly what trauma is and provides some practical resources to help listeners deal with the effects of “little t” trauma. To learn more, check out her latest book, “Unspoken Legacy.”

The post The Unspoken Legacy of Emotional Trauma appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Listeners of The Man Rules podcast tend to be types who, in one way or another, want to live better. They want to free themselves from the limitations placed on them by society’s rules for how men should behave. They want to move beyond the fears and emotional barriers that keep them disconnected from others. They want to move beyond addiction, shame, trauma, and self-doubt and live life as consciously and completely as they can.

All of this takes work. A lot of work. Constant, daily, continuous work. And work–well–sometimes it sucks. Although the work we’re talking about on our show comes with many invaluable rewards, you can still get burnt out by sometimes. That’s why, as Dan explains in this solo episode, it’s important to give yourself a break, in order to prevent yourself from giving up.

The post What to Do When You’re Sick of It appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Everyone told you being a Dad would be hard, right? Many probably even said, “Nothing can prepare you…” And, man, they were so right. There’s nothing we can tell you to make the transition to being a new Dad a smooth and easy one, but we can help you figure out how to be more involved, more present, and more engaged as a parent and a partner. That’s what we’re aiming to do in this series of Daddy Downloads based on Dan’s forthcoming book about fatherhood.

In this episode, Dan explains why it’s important for each Dad to know his story. Your story includes elements of who you’ve been, who you are now, and who you want to be as a father. How did your father shape your ideas about what it means to be a Dad? Which of his examples do you want to take with you as you build your own story, and which would you rather leave behind? Giving some thought to these questions will allow you to consciously choose how you show up day-to-day in your child’s life, rather than simply acting out a script written for you by our culture and your past.  

The post Daddy Download: Awesome Dads Know Their Story appeared first on Dan Griffin.

In The Man Rules Deep Dive episodes, Dan talks to one man about his particular experiences coming to terms with some facet of his identity as a man. This month, our Deep Dive guest is Chris Cole, author, life coach, and host of the Waking Up Bipolar podcast.

Chris talks about his efforts to form a healthy identity as a man who doesn’t necessarily fit society’s definition of “normal.” He first encountered this struggle as a young boy, when it became clear to him that his preference for playing house with girls and his tendencies to be sensitive and highly attuned to the emotions of others did not fit within the realm of things that were okay for boys. His confusion around what was expected of him as a man and lack of ability to confide in anyone in his life eventually contributed to body image issues, disordered eating, and a substance use disorder.

Chris talks with Dan about how what he’s learned from his journey has helped to make him a better father, partner, and friend, and how he strives to help others through his work.

Practical & Tactical Tips

1. As men, it’s important to practice and model full and complete apologies. If you do something that hurts someone,  fully own it, and say, “I’m sorry I did this.” Part of what many people experience as toxic masculinity can be boiled down to an inability and/or unwillingness to apologize.
2. Learn to meditate. Learn to practice mindfulness no matter what that looks like based on your own spiritual or religious beliefs.
3. Self-disclose your emotions to your male friends. Find ways to do it. The majority of men in this country don’t have one man in their life with whom they can talk to about anything other than sports, weather, and politics. Taking that risk with just one other person can greatly help reduce feelings of isolation.  

About Our Guest

In addition to his life coaching services, Chris Cole has written a memoir about his own recovery journey. titled The Body of Chris: A Memoir of Obsession, Addiction, and Madness. It was an Amazon #1 bestseller for bipolar disorder, named a two-time Finalist in both Spirituality and Religious Non-Fiction for the 2016 Next Generation Indie Book Awards, and has received praise from transpersonal and clinical psychologists alike.  His most recent project, the Waking Up Bipolar podcast, is a collaborative effort focused on the intersection of bipolar disorder and spiritual awakening. He believes that mental health challenges have the potential to mark our lives in beautiful and poignant ways. To find out more visit colecoaching.com.

The post Waking Up: A Deep Dive with Chris Cole appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Everyone is interested in how men and women can get along these days. The model Allen and Dan offer is different. No more “we’re from different planets.” As our regular listeners know, Dan is working on a new book, What Men Would Tell You If They Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV with his good friend Dr. Allen Berger. Allen is back on the podcast this week— as he is the third week of every month— to share more of the “whys and hows” behind the book.

In this episode, Dan and Allen talk about why they chose to write a book specifically for women. The Man Rules tend to prohibit men from being truly open and honest about who they are and what they need. It can be difficult for women to find a way in, in order to develop a deeper connection. The book is all about helping women create an opening in the relationship where there wasn’t one before. Through the questions and conversation topics Dan and Allen suggest in the book, women may once again be able to see their relationships as places of endless possibility, almost as they did when they first met their man. To help illustrate those possibilities, Dan and Allen share examples from their work with couples and from their own lives and relationships.

The book, however, is not about women having to change who they are in order to make that connection. Part of the secret is women learning not to take their partners’ behaviors personally. Dan and Allen cannot emphasize enough that if a man is acting inappropriately or in any way abusively, the woman has no role to play in “fixing” that.. That woman should put down the book and get professional help for her safety and to help heal or end the relationship.  

As Dan says, “At the end of the day we’re really just trying to provide a resource for women to get a better look at the inner lives of men. We want to create a little more compassion and empathy providing a different perspective on their man’s behavior.”

There is no question that our society is deeply interested in how men and women get along these days. And there are certainly models that have attempted to negotiate that. What Allen and Dan are doing is a different approach. No more of this different planet crap. This is two men who are very committed to growing in their relationships with the women in their lives. They believe part of the solution is helping women better understand men from a conscious man’s perspective.

We’d love to hear what you think about this episode, AND/OR to hear about your experiences with the Man Rule we’ll be covering next month: Don’t cry. Please email [email protected] with your questions and comments. Or reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

Practical and Tactical

1. Pay attention to your typical way of responding to a problem and see if you can start to identify a pattern. Do you have a habitual way of responding? If so, try doing the opposite for a week. For example, if you tend to react negatively when he asks you to help him find his car keys for 1 millionth time, try to react positively. See what happens. This is about being happy – not being right!

About Our Guest

Allen Berger, Ph.D., is an internationally recognized expert in family and couples therapy, and in the science of addiction and recovery. He is best known for his work on integrating modern psychotherapy with the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and for his insights into emotional sobriety. He is also recognized for his outstanding work as a psychotherapist and trainer.

He brings a highly unique background to his profession. His own personal journey in recovery started in 1971, on the beautiful island of Oahu, Hawaii. There he fell in love with recovery and with helping people find their way out of the abyss of addiction into the light of recovery. He overcame dropping out of high school, and received a doctorate in clinical psychology from UC Davis in 1987.He was trained and mentored by two brilliant clinicians: William C. Rader, M.D. and Walter Kempler, M.D..

He is the author of several journal articles as well as two books: Love Secrets – Revealed (HCI Books, 2006) and the bestseller, 12 Stupid Things that Mess up Recovery (Hazelden, 2008)). His pamphlet How to Get the Most out of Group Therapy (Hazelden, 2007) helps new admissions understand the process of group therapy and how to use the group to optimize their experience in treatment.

His office is located in Southern California where he divides his time amongst private practice, teaching, writing and playing tennis.

The post What Men Would Tell You… If They Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Everyone told you being a Dad would be hard, right? Many probably even said, “Nothing can prepare you…” And, man, they were so right. There’s nothing we can tell you to make the transition to being a new Dad a smooth and easy one, but we can help you figure out how to be more involved, more present, and more engaged as a parent and a partner. That’s what we’re aiming to do in this series of Daddy Downloads from The Man Rules podcast.

In this episode, Dan shares some thoughts on how Dads can get back into the parenting game when they feel like they’ve been sidelined. When you and your partner have a baby, the focus often quickly and completely shifts away from your relationship and toward the needs of the baby. How can you begin to balance the baby’s needs, your partner’s needs, and your own needs, while being the best possible Dad you can be? It’s not easy, but it’s possible through honesty, open communication, and humility.

Practical & Tactical Tips

1. Include yourself in the narrative. When people ask how your partner and the baby are doing, go ahead and mention how you’re doing as well. You are an equally important part of the story.
2. Pay attention to your feelings. When you start to feel resentful or disconnected, talk to your partner or a trusted friend about it.
3. Make time for yourself. Not at the expense of the child, or your partner, but just enough to re-energize and bring your best self to parenthood.
4. Identify at least two men in your life with whom you can talk openly and honestly about the ups and downs of being a Dad.

About Dan

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. Dan’s work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. Dan’s book, A Man’s Way through Relationships, is the first book written specifically to help men create healthy relationships while navigating the challenges of the “Man Rules,” those ideas men internalize at very young ages about how to be real boys and men.

Dan’s professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. He is also the author of A Man’s Way through the Twelve Steps, the first trauma-informed book to take a holistic look at men’s sobriety. He co-authored Helping Men Recover, the first comprehensive gender-responsive and trauma-informed curriculum for addiction and mental health professionals. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous.

The post Daddy Download – What About Me? appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Tim Clausen, author, jazz musician, and friend of The Man Rules podcast,  passed away on July 29. Tim was on a mission to help men—especially gay men—find their voices, find peace, and find love in all of its many forms. We were so fortunate to have known him and to have had him as a guest on the show, where he modeled the emotional courage and open curiosity about his own inner life and the inner lives of others we believe is key to helping men lead happier, healthier lives.

In this episode, we pay tribute to Tim by looking back on some of the best advice, insights, and personal experiences he shared on the show. Tim’s words inspired us to keep working to find our own voices and live our most authentic lives, and we hope they will do the same for you. He will be terribly missed.

About Tim Clausen

January 1, 1960 – July 29, 2018

Tim Clausen was a jazz and blues pianist rooted in the great stride-piano tradition and an author. Self-taught, his stylistic influences included jazz giants Erroll Garner, Art Tatum, Oscar Peterson, Tommy Flanagan, Ahmad Jamal, and Carl Perkins. Tim was a featured pianist at many of Milwaukee’s finest restaurants, hotels, arts centers and special events, and performed at jazz engagements in Houston, Philadelphia and Paris, France. In his related work as jazz biographer, Tim interviewed dozens of jazz legends while putting together musical histories on his two favorite jazz pianists, Erroll Garner and Dave Catney. Tim published his first book, Love Together, in 2014 and his second book, Not The Son He Expected, on gay men’s relationships with their fathers in 2017.

Mentioned in This Episode

Tim Clausen on The Man Rules podcast:

Living in Broken Time — Jazz Pianist Tim Clausen on Gay Men and Their Fathers

Not the Son He Expected – Deep Dive with Tim Clausen

Tim Clausen’s Books:

Not the Son He Expected: Gay Men Talk Candidly About Their Relationship with Their Father

Love Together: Longtime Male Couples on Healthy Intimacy and Communication

The post A Tribute to Tim Clausen appeared first on Dan Griffin.

It’s rarely easy for any of us to say “I love you” for the first time. But, this can be especially true when one straight guy loves another straight guy. Of course, those times are changing. Especially thanks to your friends at Budweiser all of those years ago. 

The Water doesn’t leave much room for expressing all the different types of love that men experience. It’s okay to express familial love, and it’s okay to express love for a person you are interested in having sex with or currently having sex with, but expressing love for someone who is not blood-related and/or a potential sex partner? That’s just WEIRD, man. Or strictly verboten.

This week our guest Bob Nickman joins Dan for a Deep Dive on why, even in a culture that frowns on it, it’s worth taking the risk of telling your closest male friends that you love them. It’s one way to tear the social barriers that prevent men from developing close, nurturing friendships with other men. Bob and Dan talk about their own fears in expressing those feelings, and what the result has been of taking the risk.

Practical & Tactical

1. The next time you feel like you have a friend that you love — say it.
2. Put a “comma man” after it the first time. Make it a little less vulnerable.
3. You don’t need to hear it back for it to matter.
4. In the next month, find one man to whom you can say it. And do it!

About Our Guest

Bob Nickman is an American comedian, actor, television producer, and television writer. As a television producer/writer, his credits include Mad About You, Freaks and Geeks, Danny, According to Jim, Big Day, Rita Rocks and Roseanne. As an actor, he appeared in four episodes of Roseanne from 1994 to 1995, as well as guest starring in an episode of Designing Women in 1990, his acting debut. He also appeared in the films Shakes the Clown (1991) and Crossing the Bridge (1992). He is a native of Cleveland, Ohio and performed stand-up comedy for much of the 1980s. He is currently the host of The Exploding Human Podcast where he interviews people in the fields of health and healing in body, mind and spirit. 

Mentioned in This Episode

The 7 Types of Love

“Guy Love” from Scrubs

The post I Love You…Man appeared first on Dan Griffin.

It’s been said that men are women are from totally different planets. All of the struggles they have in relating to one another are a result of the fact that they are just two totally different species, and the only way to bridge the gap is to study the culture, habits, and communication styles of the other and try to adapt the best you can.

There’s only one, small, potential problem with that approach. It may put some of us in a mindset that, when communicating with our partners, we should seek primarily to be understood rather than to understand. Or perhaps we resign ourselves to the idea that we will never truly understand or know our partner. It sets you up to think that your relationship is about developing the best offense or defense based on what you know about your opponent’s playing style. It’s more about protecting and less about connecting.  

Dan says that it’s more like men are from France, and women are from Spain. They do both speak different languages, but the words in each language come from the same root. (i.e. Latin.)    

That’s why Dan is working on a new book, What Men Would Tell You If They Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV with his good friend Dr. Allen Berger. Allen is back on the podcast this week to help explain the aim behind the book, and to give a few pointers on beginning a process of healthy struggle with your partner. Dan and Allen share tips on how to stay connected during the day-to-day ups and downs of your relationship, and how to allow your difference to make you stronger as individuals, and as a couple. You’ll also hear a preview of the 10 Man Rules Dan and Allen will cover in upcoming episodes – as well as in their forthcoming book.

We’d love to hear what you think about this episode, AND/OR to hear about your experiences with the Man Rule we’ll be covering next month. Please email [email protected] with your questions and comments. Or reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

Practical and Tactical

Tune in to The Man Rules podcast the third week of every month, to hear Dan and Allen break down the following Man Rules:

1. The Don’t Cry Rule
2. The Always Be in Control Rule
3. The Don’t Be Vulnerable or Weak Rule
4. The Success Rule
5. The Protector Rule
6. The Fight Rule
7. The Be Cool Rule
8. The Sex Rule
9. The Winning Rule
10. The Know It All Rule

Mentioned in This Episode

Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus – John Gray

Dr. Walter Kempler

I and Thou, Martin Buber

Alexythymia

The post What Men Would Tell You… About Women appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Change is hard. And, as men, we’re being asked to do a lot of it lately. The good news? We’re prepared for it. We’ve been preparing all of our lives for it. We just didn’t know. When we were growing up, and people told us that being a man required courage and bravery, we thought they meant the kind of courage it takes to run into burning buildings–but no. They actually meant we needed to be courageous enough to face something even more terrifying: our own feelings.

The world’s rapidly changing gender dynamics are your burning building. And, it’s unlikely that you’re going to be able to run in there without getting at least a little bit burned. If you want to make it out of that building as a hero, you’re going to have to take some emotional risks. You’re going to have to have a lot of honest and uncomfortable conversations about sexual harassment, sexual assault, gender discrimination, and your own privilege. You’re going to have to be willing to risk saying the wrong thing or asking a stupid question in order to learn. You’re going to have to be willing to feel the shame and resentment when some people refuse to have patience with you as you learn and make mistakes. You’re going to have to be willing to feel your own frustration and anger when you can’t seem to get anyone to see your point-of-view. And, you’re going to have to be willing to be humbled, to acknowledge that you don’t know everything, and to acknowledge that you may have been wrong. More than anything, possibly, you’re going to need to listen in a way that you maybe never have.

Why in the hell would you put yourself through all of that? Because the reward will be great. You’ve heard the expression, “until all of us are free, none of us are free,” right? To the extent you help to remove the obstacles women face in trying to live to their full potential, you help to remove your own.
In this episode, Michael Levittan returns to talk to Dan about how men can thrive in the #MeToo era. At times, the conversation is awkward and painful. But, it’s a great example of two guys who are “not doing it perfectly, but doing it consciously.” It takes emotional courage for men to have these kinds of conversations in a public forum. AND, we’re willing to bet that it might take a great deal of emotional courage for many of you just to listen to this conversation to the end, without shutting it off to avoid feeling uncomfortable. But, we challenge you to stick with it and to join in the conversation, by letting us know what you think on Facebook, Twitter, or send an email to [email protected].

Practical and Tactical Tips

1. Speak out when you see another man being inappropriate. And keep up an ongoing dialogue with men about their views on masculinity. Men are more open to hearing that kind of feedback from other men than they are from women.
2. Educate yourself. Find out what you can do to become an ally to women and gender equality movements
3. Learn more about the differences between assertive behavior and aggressive behavior.  

About Our Guest

Dr. Michael (Levittan) is an accomplished and recognized expert on domestic violence, anger management, child abuse, trauma and PTSD. He is a licensed psychotherapist, director of a state certified batterers’ treatment program, serves as an Expert Witness in court, teaches seminars and courses at UCLA Extension, National Alliance on Mental Illness, International Conference on Violence, Abuse, and Trauma, Inter-Agency Council on Child Abuse and Neglect, L.A. Superior Court, California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, U.S. Marines, Women’s Shelters, etc. He appeared as an expert on the Tyra Banks Show, Starting Over, Bad Girls Club, Montel Williams, Hollywood 411, and in radio, online, and print publications. Dr. Michael s believes in working to further the cause of establishing safety in the family and peace in the world. His passion and determination come across in his presentations.

Mentioned in This Episode

Tarana Burke

Rose McGowan

Alyssa Milano

I’m a Straight Man, Now What? – New York Times

Tea and Consent video

The Fine Line Between a Bad Date and Sexual Assault: 2 Views on Aziz Ansari

Tony Robbins’ take on #MeToo

The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker

The post Men After #MeToo appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Everyone told you being a Dad would be hard, right? Many probably even said, “Nothing can prepare you…”  And, man, they were so right. There’s nothing we can tell you to make the transition to being a new Dad a smooth and easy one, but we can help you figure out how to be more involved, more present, and more engaged as a parent and a partner. That’s what we’re aiming to do in this series of Daddy Downloads from The Man Rules podcast.

Parenting is full of surprises. Some expected but a lot of them unexpected. The majority of the surprises we have no control over. That can lead to a lot of different feelings! So what do we do as fathers? What do we do when we can get this little creature who doesn’t respond to reason or argument to stop crying? How do we take care of our own frustration and not let it get in the way of our connection with our child?

We talk all of the time on The Man Rules podcast about anger. And, of course, it’s one of the few feelings that men are allowed to have in this society. What about all of those other feelings though? All of those same feelings our little beings embody every moment of the day? If you are not a man used to noticing how you get triggered by others’ feelings this podcast could help. A baby is completely defenseless, vulnerable, and unpredictable. Do any of those sound like qualities that The Man Rules embrace or prepare men to be able to handle?

We aren’t going to pretend it’s easy but we do give you some really effective tools that you can use right away – none of which cost you any money whatsoever to access.

About Dan Griffin

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. Dan’s work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. Dan’s book, A Man’s Way through Relationships, is the first book written specifically to help men create healthy relationships while navigating the challenges of the “Man Rules,” those ideas men internalize at very young ages about how to be real boys and men.

Dan’s professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. He is also the author of A Man’s Way through the Twelve Steps, the first trauma-informed book to take a holistic look at men’s sobriety. He co-authored Helping Men Recover, the first comprehensive gender-responsive and trauma-informed curriculum for addiction and mental health professionals. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous.

The post Daddy Download – Don’t Get Mad, Get Glad appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Everyone looks forward to summer vacation! That is, until it’s actually time to go. That’s when the expectations you’ve had for the perfect, blissful family getaway meet reality. Unless you’re traveling solo to a remote, private tropical island and have no responsibilities or obligations to contend with at home–and if so, who are you and how do you do it?– you’re bound to run into some stress and disappointment before, during, and after your trip.

In this episode, Dan checks in from his current vacation to offer some tips on how to manage the inevitable rough patches and get the most from your trip. Learn how emotional baggage, family roles, and gender roles can all play a part in turning your dream vacation into a nightmare. Also, get some tips and reminders on how you can take care of yourself while traveling so that your trip has better chance of being memorable because of the all things that went right, rather than all the went wrong.

About Dan Griffin

The post Need a Vacation From Your Vacation? appeared first on Dan Griffin.

The stories we tell about our Dads can shape the way we feel about ourselves and about the world. If your father was distant or critical, you may struggle with the idea that you’re not “man enough.” You may also have a hard time trusting that others will accept you when you’re just being yourself. 

On the flip side, your Dad may feel pain and regret for his inability to connect with you. Few men are encouraged to develop their relational skills as they grow up–in fact, they are often actively discouraged from developing those skills. This was even more true for our Dads’ generations.

However, this doesn’t mean that all hope of developing an amazing relationship with your Dad is lost. Maybe all you need to do is rewrite the story. This week’s guest, author and Jazz musician Tim Clausen spent a lot of time interviewing gay men about their experiences with their fathers, an exercise that enabled them to see their fathers as fully human, and to forgive them when necessary. It also allowed them to redefine their own lives and break free from faulty assumptions about themselves and their fathers.

Tim’s own story of reconnecting with his widowed father is encouraging and inspiring. By simply asking his Dad the same kinds of questions he asks the interview subjects for his books, he was able to open the door to a deep and lasting friendship with his Dad before he passed away.

Practical and Tactical

1. If you don’t ask the answer is always no. Take the risk, you have everything to gain and nothing to lose. Just ask.
2. Forgive yourself for not being perfect. Even if you don’t have a great relationship with your father or your son, realize that you are a worthy and loveable person.
3. Having, close, intimate relationships with other men where you can talk openly and freely. If you don’t have those connections in your family relationships, it’s important to have at least one friend where you can share those things…

About Our Guest

Milwaukee area native Tim Clausen is a jazz and blues pianist rooted in the great stride-piano tradition. Self-taught, his stylistic influences include jazz giants Erroll Garner, Art Tatum, Oscar Peterson, Tommy Flanagan, Ahmad Jamal, and Carl Perkins. Tim has been a featured pianist at many of Milwaukee’s finest restaurants, hotels, arts centers and special events, and he has performed at jazz engagements in Houston, Philadelphia and Paris, France. In his related work as jazz biographer, Tim has interviewed dozens of jazz legends while putting together musical histories on his two favorite jazz pianists, Erroll Garner and Dave Catney.

Mentioned in This Episode

Not the Son He Expected: Gay Men Talk Candidly About Their Relationship With Their Father

Love Together:: Longtime Male Couples on Healthy Intimacy and Communication

The post Not the Son He Expected: Deep Dive with Tim Clausen appeared first on Dan Griffin.

The Movember Foundation is a multinational charity that aims to raise awareness of and money for men’s health. They address some of the biggest health issues faced by men: prostate cancer, testicular cancer, and mental health and suicide prevention. And it’s definitely not just about moustaches!

In this episode, one of Movember’s Senior VPs, Mark Hedstrom, sits down with Dan to talk specifically about mental health among fathers (since it is #FathersMonth after all…)  

As a society, we’ve raised the bar for what it means to be a great dad in the last couple of decades. Men are enjoying a lot more freedom to be fully, physically and emotionally involved in all of the ups and downs of parenting. But, as the Movember Foundation points out on their Facebook page, part of being a great dad is taking care of yourself, so you’ll be around to see your kids through all their major milestones.

Unfortunately, this also means that a lot of Dads are also feeling pressure do things perfectly. It’s not enough to be a good Dad; you have to be a GREAT one. The day-to-day stresses of trying to be Super Dad (and Super Husband, and Super Son, and Super Employee) can definitely take a toll on a man’s mental health. And, it can cause him to de-prioritize his own physical health in favor of devoting more time to the family. And remember, as we say on MRP all of the time: you can’t do it perfectly, but you can always do it consciously.

To get started, visit Movember.com

Practical and Tactical

1. Make plans to get together with your guy friends on a regular basis. And when you do, create an opportunity to talk about what’s really going on in his life. Practice the ALEC model— Ask, Listen, Encourage, Check-in.
2. Reach out to guys you haven’t talked to in a while. Make plans to reconnect
3. Understand that men face significant, unique health risks. At age 45, start talking to your doctor about your risks for prostate and/or testicular cancer.

About Our Guest

Mark Hedstrom is the SVP of Program Commercialization for the Movember Foundation, the only global charity focused solely on men’s health, funding over 1,200 innovative projects across 21 countries. To date, they have raised hundreds of millions for men’s health programs supporting these critical areas: prostate cancer, testicular cancer, mental health and suicide prevention.

Mark is responsible for evaluating, and where appropriate, developing business cases and commercialization strategies for select national and global program investments, including but not limited to, licensing, major grants, development of social enterprise business models, intellectual property royalties and the productizing of health service products.

He grew up outside of Boston but now lives in LA. He is the third (out of three) most important humans in his family and just ahead of the two dogs, David Ortiz and LeBron James.

Mentioned in This Episode

ALEC

Movember

Testicular Cancer

Prostate Cancer

Donate to The Movember Foundation

The post More Than a Moustache appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Everyone told you being a Dad would be hard, right? Many probably even said, “Nothing can prepare you…”  And, man, they were so right. There’s nothing we can tell you to make the transition to being a new Dad a smooth and easy one, but we can help you figure out how to be more involved, more present, and more engaged as a parent and a partner. That’s what we’re aiming to do in this series of Daddy Downloads from The Man Rules podcast.

You can listen to each episode in the same amount of time it takes your toddler to color the cat’s paws with permanent marker, drop your phone in the toilet, break your favorite coffee mug, and give herself a black eye by stumbling into a doorknob. (i.e. about five minutes.) Dan offers three no-nonsense tips on how to define your role as a Dad, and be the kind of father you want to be.

In this, our first Daddy Download, Dan dives into the issue of true co-parenting. Dads these days are likely to be much more involved in their children’s lives than their fathers were. But, sometimes stigmas about who should perform childcare duties (i.e. the woman, or the “more feminine” partner) still leave many Dads feeling left out. Dan shares three tips on how to stay engaged as both a parent and partner after you’ve had a child.

About Dan Griffin

The post Daddy Download: 3 Co-Parenting Tips for New Dads appeared first on Dan Griffin.

In this monthly What Men Would Tell You…If They Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV episode with Allen Berger, the two talk about Dads in honor of Father’s Month on the Man Rules Podcast. Specifically, the ways in which many men carry hidden grief over their relationships with their fathers.

Men tend to bury and carry a lot of grief about their relationships with their Dads. Whether their Dads died or left the family when they were young or were just emotionally absent during their upbringing, many men suffered from a deep, underlying sadness about their fathers’ inability to connect with them. And this sadness, filtered through The Man Rules, often came out as anger, rage, and/or good, old-fashioned “strong and silent type” stoicism. This is the perfect companion episode to Dan’s solo cast, Dear Dad.

There is no question this can be a heavy conversation but Allen and Dan bring their usual goofiness to the conversation. (You can be goofy, and still be alright, after all.) And, they offer some important tips to men who want to parent differently and for women who want to support them in that.

Practical and Tactical Tips

1. Women: don’t take what your man is doing personally. This doesn’t mean you put up with bad behavior, it just means that you don’t see his behavior as a reflection of any personal failing on your part. This will allow you to respond in a way that resonates with him.
2. For guys, we really want you to consider that there’s much more to your life than you’re living right now. You can’t find yourself in what you’ve constructed to define yourself. But, you also can’t step outside the narrative you’ve created on your own. You need someone— like a therapist or counselor—  to share something about what’s going on that you couldn’t see.
3. This month, celebrate fathers by allowing them to be human and look at all the ways we haven’t done that. Create that space for yourself and/or for your father if he’s in your life.

About Our Guest

Allen Berger, Ph.D., is an internationally recognized expert in family and couples therapy, and in the science of addiction and recovery. He is best known for his work on integrating modern psychotherapy with the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and for his insights into emotional sobriety. He is also recognized for his outstanding work as a psychotherapist and trainer.

He brings a highly unique background to his profession. His own personal journey in recovery started in 1971, on the beautiful island of Oahu, Hawaii. There he fell in love with recovery and with helping people find their way out of the abyss of addiction into the light of recovery. He overcame dropping out of high school, and received a doctorate in clinical psychology from UC Davis in 1987. He was trained and mentored by two brilliant clinicians: William C. Rader, M.D. and Walter Kempler, M.D.

He is the author of several journal articles as well as two books: Love Secrets – Revealed (HCI Books, 2006) and the bestseller, 12 Stupid Things that Mess up Recovery (Hazelden, 2008)). His pamphlet How to Get the Most out of Group Therapy (Hazelden, 2007) helps new admissions understand the process of group therapy and how to use the group to optimize their experience in treatment.

His office is located in Southern California where he divides his time amongst private practice, teaching, writing and playing tennis.

Mentioned in This Episode

Dr. Walter Kempler

Dear Dad

His Last Steps, Earnie Larsen

Richard Rohr on Initiation

Dr. Aaron Kipnis

The Mankind Project

The Untethered Soul

The post Good Grief, Dad appeared first on Dan Griffin.

You have issues with your Dad. Whether you have a great, not-so-great, contentious, or non-existent relationship with him, there are bound to be some pain points that you’ve never talked to him or anyone else about. That’s why this month (June) we’re devoting every episode of The Man Rules podcast to exploring the good, the bad, and the ambivalent in regards to fatherhood.

In this episode, Dan kicks off Father’s Month by recommending that you write a letter to your Dad. You can talk about whatever you want and start however you would like. Just start the process and see what happens. You might talk about any lingering anger, sadness, pain, or frustration, you currently feel toward him. You don’t have to send it, of course. (In fact, in most cases, you probably shouldn’t send it. Even if you think you do want to send, it’s best to let it sit for at least 30 days before you make that decision.)

The idea of writing a “Dear Dad” letter automatically brings up a lot of resistance in people. When Dan asks people to write this same letter in his workshops, many people get angry, defensive, and uncomfortable. Each person’s stated reason for not wanting to do it is unique, but subconsciously, it all likely boils down to one thing— fear. Opening those old wounds can change the way you see your father for better and worse. Whether you idolize or vilify your father, chances are, writing this letter will bring him up (or down) to a human level. And, that can start to break down some of the usual defences and coping mechanisms you’ve developed around that relationship. Seeing your father in black and white terms— as either a total saint or totally irredeemable asshole—  might be preventing you from seeing him fully, and as result, might also prevent you from seeing yourself fully. And, as if that wasn’t enough, your relationships with all other men have been shaped in large part by your relationship with your father; heal your wounds with your father and you’ll likely heal your wounds with other men.

If you approach this exercise openly and honestly, you might start to uncover unhealthy perceptions and patterns of behavior you’ve never noticed before. And, that’s a very important step toward living more consciously.

Finally, remember this: You cannot write the WRONG letter but you can write the EASY letter.

About Dan Griffin

The post Dear Dad: Write a Letter to Transform Your Relationship With Your Father appeared first on Dan Griffin.

If you were asked what it means to be a good man, what would you say? What if you were asked what it means to be a real man? The contradictions between the answers to those two questions drive much of the confusion that men find themselves in today, according to sociologist and leading expert on masculinity, Dr. Michael Kimmel.

Most people will say that a good man respects women, is a leader, is courageous, and helps others. Then they’ll say that a real man doesn’t show emotion, is all-powerful, always wins whatever the cost, isn’t gay, and doesn’t act like a girl. So, is it ever possible to be both a good man and real man at the same time? If The Man Rules say we can’t be vulnerable and the only way to break out of the constricting pain of the Man Box is to find vulnerability – what is a man supposed to do? There is no easy answer but it has to start with men finding communities of other men with whom they can share their truth.

Dr. Kimmel says we need to take our lead from the work that women have been doing for years. He unapologetically is a feminist who believes that men’s studies needed to grow out of women’s studies if it was going to accurately understand how patriarchy HURTS and HELPS men. What is clear is that men are not the problem, per se. The real problem is that there is a longstanding system in place that benefits men (particularly white men) and has for centuries. As that system crumbles, many men feel like they have been cheated and are looking for someone to blame. Some are enraged. Some are apathetic. Lately, Kimmel has been particularly focused on helping younger men better understand, cope with, and even thrive in the changing terrain of masculinity in the 21st century.

After almost four decades of studying masculinity, Dr. Kimmel is hopeful. The conversation is just beginning and men, slowly but surely are finally being given the opportunity to make being a “real man” and a “good man” one in the same.

Practical & Tactical

1. STFU – LISTEN to women. Stop being defensive or dismissive and, in this historic moment, help create a space for women’s pain and truth to truly be heard.
2. Challenge other men’s behavior in a way that enables them to really hear you. You don’t have to shame them. Sometimes all you have to do is ask them why–Why did you say that? What do you mean by that? Etc. 
3. Challenge men and support them. The two go hand in hand.

Mentioned in the episode:

Angry White Men

Healing from Hate

Dove Men Commercials

Volkswagon Commercials

Roseanne

The post The Good Man vs. The Real Man appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Socrates is believed to have said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.”  Most days, we navel-gazers over here examining our lives to death are inclined to agree. But, some days, we have to admit that the examined life, even in all its richness of purpose and meaning, can be f@#$ing exhausting. Of course, that assumes one is able to distinguish between self-obsession favorite pastime) and genuine self-awareness. Of course, that is a whole ‘nother podcast!

Nevertheless, our guest, Rick Belden, makes a pretty good case for the examined life, in spite of its drawbacks. He’s spent decades examining his upbringing, his behaviors, his masculinity, his triumphs and disappointments, his relationships and his very being as a poet, as an early client of the great John Lee, and as a member of many men’s groups and support systems. In this episode, one in our monthly Deep Dive series, he talks about the decisions that led him to where he is today, and why he thinks that taking that road less travelled by has made all the difference.

Examining a life, especially one that’s gone a bit off the rails and led us away from our true hopes and desires, requires an uncomfortable level of self-awareness. It’s not hard to understand why many would choose an unexamined life, preferring to escape into any and all of the distractions and diversions the material world has to offer. Still, we endorse it heartily as certainly better than the alternative. Just make sure you give yourself permission to watch reruns of Beavis and Butthead every once in awhile, too.

Note: If you liked this episode, you might also like Rick’s other appearances on this podcast:

When His Best Was Not Enough, on the father wound

If It’s Not One Thing, It’s Your Mother, on the mother wound

Uncomfortably Numb, on grief and loss

About Our Guest

Rick Belden is a respected explorer and chronicler of the psychology and inner lives of men. He has been writing for most of his life and has been using creative expression, dreamwork, personal mythology, and listening to the body as tools for self-healing since 1989.

His book, Iron Man Family Outing: Poems about Transition into a More Conscious Manhood, is widely used in the United States and internationally by therapists, counselors, and men’s groups as an aid in the exploration of masculine psychology and men’s issues, and as a resource for men who grew up in dysfunctional, abusive, or neglectful family systems.

Rick’s poetry and essays have appeared in multiple books and on numerous websites around the world, reaching an international audience of many thousands of men and women. He helps men who are feeling stuck get their lives moving again by drawing on over 25 years of experience exploring men’s issues, masculine psychology, and recovery from abuse.

He lives in Austin, Texas.

The post The Examined Life: Man Rules Deep Dive with Rick Belden appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Dr. Allen Berger is back to help Dan introduce an exciting new monthly project for The Man Rules podcast! Dan and Allen are working on a book called What Men Would Tell You… If They Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV. It’s geared toward women who find the behavior of their male partners and/or spouses to be…puzzling, to say the least. Actually, it’s for all women in a relationship looking to better connect with the man in her life. The book doesn’t ask women to adjust their own personalities or behaviors, but instead gives them tips for creating space for understanding and cooperation.

All of that is pretty exciting, right? But, here’s the really exciting part. Each month, they’ll be answering relationship questions and sharing comments from YOU, Man Rules podcast listeners!  If you’re stuck in a relationship rut, need some perspective on what your partner could possibly be thinking, and/or want to share what you wish your partner understood about you, email [email protected].

Practical and Tactical

1. To be more personal, you have to stop taking things so personally.
2. When you encounter a problem, draw a circle and put yourself in the middle. Ask yourself questions like, “What part of this problem is created by my expectations? By my way of thinking about this situation? By my interpretation of what’s happening? By my lack of faith in my ability to grow?”
3. Get rid of the blame game. It doesn’t help anything. That doesn’t mean to just let someone off the hook for their behavior. It does mean that you always have a decision on how you respond to someone else’s behavior and how it is going to impact your relationship with them.

About Our Guest

Allen Berger, Ph.D., is an internationally recognized expert in family and couples therapy, and in the science of addiction and recovery. He is best known for his work on integrating modern psychotherapy with the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and for his insights into emotional sobriety. He is also recognized for his outstanding work as a psychotherapist and trainer.

He brings a highly unique background to his profession. His own personal journey in recovery started in 1971, on the beautiful island of Oahu, Hawaii. There he fell in love with recovery and with helping people find their way out of the abyss of addiction into the light of recovery. He overcame dropping out of high school, and received a doctorate in clinical psychology from UC Davis in 1987.He was trained and mentored by two brilliant clinicians: William C. Rader, M.D. and Walter Kempler, M.D..

He is the author of several journal articles as well as two books: Love Secrets – Revealed (HCI Books, 2006) and the bestseller, 12 Stupid Things that Mess up Recovery (Hazelden, 2008)). His pamphlet How to Get the Most out of Group Therapy (Hazelden, 2007) helps new admissions understand the process of group therapy and how to use the group to optimize their experience in treatment.

The post What Men Would Tell You… About What They’re Thinking appeared first on Dan Griffin.

There’s a lot of talk about anger and rage in the media these days. According to many,  we live in an “outrage culture” and male anger is the cause of much domestic assault and gun violence. We’re also often reminded that social media has destroyed civility and turned us all into narrow-minded, passive-aggressive–and sometimes just plain aggressive— bullies.

What if we told you that one of the biggest problems with our society’s obsession with anger is its fundamental misunderstanding of what it even is?

While some of the alarmism around anger is justified, the reliance on extreme examples is giving us a distorted impression of what anger really is, how it can be expressed in ways that are healthy, and how it can help build connections rather than destroy them.

In this week’s episode, John Lee is back to talk about how has been trying to help people understand the differences between anger and rage for decades.

John lays out the differences between anger and rage, (i.e., anger is a feeling; rage is an action) and helps us understand the destructive behaviors associated with enrage and outrage. He and Dan also offer some suggestions for men who want to learn how to recognize when anger is moving them into an emotionally regressive state; a state where they’re reacting to past events rather than responding to present circumstances.

Check out this FREE  download from John Anger Regression

Practical and Tactical Tips

1. Take the time to reflect on the last time you felt angry. Did you express that angry appropriately or did you rage?
2. Do you tend to be an outrager or an enrager?
   

   OUTRAGER	ENRAGER
   Slamming doors	Sulking
   Throwing things	Stuffing
   Cursing	Seething
   Pushing	Stewing
   Shoving
   Hitting

    

3. Which of these behaviors tend be your go-tos? Own it and seek to change it. Do some online research, read some books on anger and rage, and find a therapist or counselor.
   

   “SOFT RAGE”	PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE RAGE
   Shaming	Sarcasm
   Blaming	Jokes
   Demeaning	Put-downs
   Demoralizing	One-upmanship
   Criticizing	Sabotage
   Preaching	Control
   Teaching	Manipulation
   Judging	Lies
   Analyzing	Gossip

    

4. Pay attention to where you feel anger in your body. When you feel that you are about to react in a way that is disproportional to the even, then go deal with it before you dump it on somebody else.

About Our Guest

John Lee is a pioneer in the fields of self-help, anger, co-dependency, creativity, recovery, relationships and men’s issues. In the mental health field, he is considered the therapist’s therapist and regularly trains and mentors therapists on how to work with clients and how to work on themselves. He has taught his techniques and theories to thousands of individuals, couples, families, groups, corporations, and therapists all over the world.

Mentioned in This Episode

Growing Yourself Back Up (Book)

The Anger Solution (Book)

JohnLeeBooks.com

The post All the Rage: How Men Can Transform Anger appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Men are four times more likely to die by suicide than women, and their depression is more likely to manifest as anger and violence. As this week’s guest, Terry Real, puts it men either feel that they are failing the agenda or that the agenda is failing them.

Men today are awash in intense conflicting messages about what it means to be a man. And, they are finding that the things that they once took for granted as the rewards for following The Man Rules–the right job, financial security, sex, marriage, family–are not as easily guaranteed as they’d been taught.

There’s a lot for men to be depressed about these days. The Man Rules may be limiting in many, many ways, but for a while, they at least provided solid ground for men to stand on. Lately, that ground has begun to crumble beneath their feet.

The challenge is that men don’t necessarily know that they are depressed. In fact, it can be quite easy for them to miss it. So how can we help them see it? What can their partners do?

This episode will help you understand how depression shows up differently in men and give you some practical advice on how to recognize and address the symptoms in yourself and others. While it’s true that these changes will likely lead to more opportunities for both men and women in the future, it’s important to make sure that we don’t lose too many men in the shuffle.

Practical and Tactical

1. Depression in men often hides behind anger, addiction, and other forms of acting out. Address those behaviors first. Once you do, the underlying depression will come to the surface and can be addressed.
2. Empower the spouses of depressed men to stand up to them and guide them toward getting help.
3. The root of male depression is disconnection. Reconnecting with your own vulnerability is an important step toward reconnecting.

About Our Guest

Terry Real is a family therapist and author who focuses on men’s issues and couples therapy. After struggling to overcome his own issues with depression, he published the book I Don’t Want to Talk About It, which addresses the unique ways men cope with depression. The book, which became a bestseller, led Real to realize the importance of addressing this issue on a larger scale. In 2002, he founded the Relational Recovery Institute, which aims to offer healing and wholeness to men through their own resources, with the support and engagement of the parents and partners in their lives.

Real serves as a faculty member at the Family Institute of Cambridge, in Massachusetts, and he is the former director of the Gender Relations Program at the Meadows Institute in Arizona. Real maintains a private practice in Massachusetts and continues to present lectures on relationship issues and to teach men how to achieve a fully rewarding and satisfying life.

Real has been recognized by his peers as a pioneer in bringing to light the often understated and hidden psychological issues that face men in and out of relationships. He has been featured on national television programs and has had his work with male clients made into a documentary titled All Men Are Sons.

Mentioned in This Episode

Terry Real’s website

Relational Life Therapy Training

I Don’t Want to Talk About It (Book)

Michael Kimmel

Angry White Men (Book)

Erik Erikson

The post Why Aren’t I Happy? Men and Depression appeared first on Dan Griffin.

When we started The Man Rules podcast one year ago, we had no idea what we were doing. We knew that we wanted to offer a self-improvement resource for men that went way beyond the whole, “how to get laid, how to make a ton of money, how to get ripped” kind of thing you tend to see in most media that’s geared toward men. We also wanted to help to continue and expand the conversation around gender inequality, by highlighting the many ways that men suffer from strictly-enforced gender roles in ways that we often don’t recognize. But, we didn’t know what the daily ins and outs of making a podcast would be…

One year later, we still sometimes feel like we don’t know what we’re doing from a day-to-day operations standpoint. And we wonder if we’ve been successful at all with the overall mission. (We’d love to hear your thoughts on what kind of impact we have or have not had!) There have been times in the past year when we wondered if anyone was actually listening. We wondered if we had started podcasting at the wrong time—a time when podcasting has exploded, and there are tons of wonderful, fascinating, slickly-produced, and well-funded shows out there with big names and big personalities attached. “How can we compete with all of that?” we thought. “Should we even bother?”

But, in the end, we decided that there really aren’t many shows like ours. People are having great conversations on podcasts everywhere, but they aren’t having the kind of conversations that we’re having. In this episode, Dan reflects on some of those conversations, and talks about what he’s learned from the show—how it’s helped him recognize some not-so-healthy patterns in his own life and uncover some blind spots that he had around gender equality, even as a person who has spent years learning and speaking about it. He also looks ahead to the next year and talks about changes and improvements we’re making to the show.

So, we soldier on. And we hope that our little labor of love helps at least one man out there feel less trapped, less confused, less afraid, and less alone. We think it’s the best way—maybe even the only way—to bring about more justice and peace for men, women, and people beyond the binary.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

Practical and Tactical

1. Listen to more episodes of this podcast.
2. Have a conversation with somebody in your life about the podcast you listen to, share with them what you’re getting out of it, and invite them to listen to it.
3. Listen to more episodes of the podcast and review them on iTunes, Stitcher, or other platforms where you listen.

About Dan Griffin

The post It’s the First Anniversary of The Man Rules Podcast! appeared first on Dan Griffin.

The Man Rules do not prepare men to navigate the rocky emotional terrain of their day-to-day lives. So, what happens when childhood sexual abuse and emotional abuse make that terrain much, much rockier than average?

In most cases, it leads to men suffering in silence from profound depression, crippling anxiety, rage, addiction, and behaviors that are destructive to themselves and others. Larry Ruhl, our guest this week, was on such a path until his caring partner encouraged him to get help. His father began sexually abusing him at age 4, and he was constantly subjected to his narcissistic mother’s verbal abuse, manipulation, and violent rages. Teased and berated for not being man enough; seduced and abused for his sensitivity and vulnerability.

He shares his story with Dan and proves that no matter how men have suffered, or how limited they’ve been by The Man Rules, there is hope and there is a better way forward.

Larry’s story is the first to be featured in our new series of Deep Dive episodes, where we ask one man to share about his struggles in learning to live authentically in spite of The Man Rules. If you can identify with any of this story please find someone with whom you can talk and consider getting help and support. You deserve peace and you don’t have to suffer alone.

Practical and Tactical

1. Allow yourself to indulge in a creative activity without judgment. Find a creative outlet that allows you to express a part of yourself that you don’t let other people see.
2. Challenge yourself to get unstuck. Identify something you over and over that causes you and others pain, hold you back living the kind of life you want to live, or just irritates you in some way. Find a path to get unstuck that works for you. Could be therapy, support groups, developing deeper friendships and connections, speaking out, etc. 
3. Men, as we know, are expected to be the provider, the tough guy, the Sex God, etc.—Find some way to shed all of that crap and do something that’s just for you.

About Our Guest

Larry Ruhl is the author of Breaking the Ruhls, a memoir about recovering from childhood sexual abuse and complex trauma. He is a registered speaker with the RAINN network (Rape Abuse Incest National Network). He previously served as a board member at Male Survivor. He also spoke at colleges and retreats to increase awareness of sexual abuse against men and boys. Today he shares his story publicly to spread awareness and to help others shed the shame and stigma associated with sexual abuse. He graduated from the Fashion Institute of Technology (FIT), with a degree in Display & Exhibit Design.

Mentioned in This Episode

Breaking the Rules (Larry’s Memoir)

Larry on Twitter and Facebook

Little Boxes (Song by Malvina Reynolds)

The post Breaking the Ruhls (and The Rules) appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Jess Pettitt is, among other things, a diversity educator.

Did you just roll your eyes at that? Did you shudder at the memory of a terrible corporate diversity training you we forced to attend in the past? Did you recall a particularly hilarious episode of The Office where they brilliantly spoofed diversity trainings? Did you feel annoyed at the idea of giving the PC Police yet another platform and frustrated by the fact that you can’t say anything to anyone anymore without offending them?

Then, you’re definitely going to want to listen to this show.

Jess and Dan shine a light on how the fear of getting it wrong—  whether “it” is breaking one of The Man Rules or saying the wrong thing at the wrong time to your female co-worker— prevents us from learning from one another, developing meaningful connections, and advocating for positive changes. And this is not a one-sided conversation. This is no liberals-are-awesome-and-conservatives-suck kind of deal. It is about learning how to listen to everyone.

Jess also shares some great practical tips for doing the best you can with what you have some of the time, instead of striving for perfection or opting out due to pressure and frustration.  

Practical and Tactical

1. You can’t get mad at someone for acting the way that you expected them to act. If someone behaves in a way that you expected them to, and you get mad about it, work on reacting in a different way.
2. You can get mad at yourself for how you act. Be aware of how you show up in interactions with the people around you, and take responsibility for any negative reactions, whether you intended to cause offense or not.
3. It’s important to take responsibility, but at the same time, give yourself a bit of a break. The way you were likely taught to perform masculinity doesn’t leave much room for you to forgive yourself or take care of your emotional needs. So give yourself permission to do exactly that.

About Our Guest

Audiences are inspired to stand up and take action as Jessica Pettitt leads them down the path to understanding they are good enough to make the changes they seek. Challenging long-held assumptions about the type of people who drive change and are successful, Jessica eradicates excuses and provides strategies to communicate openly and actively seek success. As a professional speaker, her expertise earned her the Certified Speaking Professional designation from the National Speakers Association. A designation held by fewer than 800 people worldwide. As a facilitator, she provides the framework for open, welcoming, and productive conversation. Whether she provides a motivational keynote, an in-depth workshop, facilitates group interaction, or frames an entire conference as emcee, Jessica brings humor, a high-level understanding of adult learning, and an ability to engage participants and encourage them to engage with each other. Participants walk away focused and confident in their role to make change now.

Mentioned in This Episode

Good Enough Now

Fassinger’s Identity Model

Jess’s TEDx Talk – The Day Everything Changed

Roger’s Innovation Adoption Curve

Harry Potter

The post Turn Your Fears Into Actions – Episode 59 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Stories of violence continue to appear daily on our screens and we continue to wonder why. Is it the guns? Is it mental health? Is it video games? Is it Trump?

Is it men? All but two of the mass shootings in the history of this country have been perpetrated by men or even adolescent boys.

Maybe, says our guest Randy Flood. Though male socialization isn’t the only cause of male-perpetrated violence, it’s impossible to deny that it plays a role. Most men learn early on to disconnect from emotion—theirs and everyone else’s.“Suck it up” and “man up” culture has left many men without the ability to acknowledge their own pain and struggles. And, if you can’t even empathize with yourself, how can you ever really empathize with anyone else?

In short, men are left with no tools for dealing with things like fear, shame, rejection, loneliness, and anger. As a result, many act out aggressively, and sometimes violently – because those are the few tools many men are allowed to use to deal with the overwhelming emotional pain and suffering in their lives.

In this episode, Dan and Randy talk about how helping men gain emotional literacy and develop empathy can lead to a reduction in domestic violence and other violent crimes.

Practical & Tactical

1. Read a book that will challenge you to look at masculinity in a new way. Allow it to push you past your edges a bit.
2. Begin taking risks with vulnerability—Be wise about where you take those risks, of course. Make sure it’s with a trusted friend, family member or professional. But, give it a shot.
3. Recognize our history of patriarchy, be a good listener, work to be more empathetic, and, remember, that we are all in this together.

About Our Guest

Randy Flood, MA LLP is a therapist with the Fountain Hill Center, co-founder and director of the Men’s Resource Center and the Center for the Prevention and Treatment of Mascupathy. Flood has spent the last twenty years creating and developing specialized clinical services for men. Often called upon as an expert witness for district and circuit courts, Flood provides trainings on problems such as bullying, domestic violence, sexual addiction, and men in counseling. He also serves as a therapist and expert relating to parenting time and custody issues.

Flood’s first book, Stop Hurting the Woman You Love: Breaking the Cycle of Abusive Behavior, (Hazelden, 2006), co-authored with Charlie Donaldson, is widely considered one of the leading anger management books for men. He writes for several online and print publications and is a contributing writer to the Michigan Bar Journal and Voice Male magazine. Flood has consulted with national media such as the Christian Science Monitor and Minneapolis Sun Times on issues ranging from domestic violence to mass shootings. His expertise has also been featured on radio, television, podcasts, and in regional and state publications.

Mentioned In This Episode

Men’s Resource Center of West Michigan

Stop Hurting the Woman You Love

Mascupathy: Understanding and Healing the Malaise of American Manhood

Fight Club

I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression

Jackson Katz

Voice Male magazine

Intersectionality

The post Empathy is the Enemy of Violence – Episode 58 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Any relationship worth its salt—whether it’s with a partner, spouse, co-worker, friend, or child—is well-seasoned with conflict. “We never fight” is really just code for “We are never honest with one another.” So, don’t measure your success in a relationship based on how often you fight, measure it based on how calmly and respectfully you manage to behave during a fight, and how authentically you are able to reconnect with the other person afterwards.

Reconnecting after a major disagreement requires humility and vulnerability–and, God, we so resent that here at The Man Rules podcast. But, in this episode, Dan explains how you can actually get comfortable with vulnerability in spite of The Man Rules’ insistence that you never feel nor show vulnerability. And, he shares some great tips on how to create emotional safety for your loved ones by demonstrating that the relationship is more important to you than the rift.

Mentioned in This Episode

Relational Cultural Theory

The Breakfast Club

About Dan

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. Dan’s work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. Griffin is the author of several books including, A Man’s Way through Relationships, the first book written specifically to help men create healthy relationships while navigating the challenges of the “Man Rules,” those ideas men internalize at very young ages about how to be real boys and men. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous.

The post How to Reconnect After a Fight appeared first on Dan Griffin.

A major shift is happening in how we view gender, sexuality and violence. Many people, like our guest Mary Woods, see echoes of the 60s civil rights movements in this modern era of protest and consciousness raising. But, many men feel confused about their place in these movements. In the stories we hear day after day, men are the perpetrators of the sexual violence, racial violence, and gun violence. Much of the conversation focuses on how to change men–and no doubt, change is needed. But, as Dan often says, “We can’t just change what men think, we have to change what we think about men.”

Change cannot happen when people are silenced or dismissed. The Women’s Movement has had its success through teaching women how to understand the day-to-day mechanics of their oppression and the importance of speaking out against them. In order to speak out, they had to build a huge community of people who would lend their support and make it safe for them to speak out and take action.

We have to do the same for men.

In this episode Dan and Mary talk about the ways that we can support men as they confront the injustices of their socialization as men (i.e. be the biggest, the baddest, the richest, the meanest), wrestle with their relationships to power, and try to build a canal through the muddy waters of gender expectation.

Practical and Tactical

1. Sit down with someone of a different gender and ask them “What is your experience like living in our society today? What was living in your family like? And listen. Then, ask yourself if your ideas and perspectives changed, even just a little.
2. Look at the history of the women’s rights movement, the civil rights movement, and treatment of veterans. If you don’t study your history, you’re doomed to repeat it.
3. Join a group that will help you look at things from a different perspective. Joining with others to tell the truth about your experiences and listen closely as they tell the truth about theirs.

About Our Guest

Mary Ryan Woods holds a master’s degree in human service administration, is a Board Certified Licensed Registered Nurse and a Licensed Alcohol and Drug Abuse Counselor, who has over 37 years’ experience in substance abuse services and community mental health programs. Woods began her career in the addictions profession working in a variety of settings. Currently, she is the Executive Officer for WestBridge Community Services a private, nonprofit organization dedicated to the treatment of individuals and families with co-occurring mental illness and substance use disorders. WestBridge has programs in New Hampshire and Florida. She is a Past President for NAADAC the association of addiction professionals.

Mentioned in This Episode

WestBridge

Dual Diagnosis

The Post (movie)

George Carlin

All in The Family

The Lion’s Paw (Note: There are several variations of this story.)

Dialectical Behavior Therapy

The post Muddy Waters – Episode 56 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

The truth—as both Dan and his guest Dr. Michael Levittan see it—is that the ways we raise boys and girls to relate to one another is dysfunctional at best, personally damaging and emotionally debilitating at worst. The consequences of this reality range from domestic violence and sexual assault to a life full of disconnection and dissatisfaction in relationships.

So how do imperfect people and imperfect parents such as ourselves, with our own struggles and hang-ups when it comes to power dynamics in relationships, show our children a better way? According to Dr. Michael, one way is to raise them without consequences.

For those of us who are parents, that sounds crazy, right? Irresponsible, even! But, the remarkable thing about Dr. Michael’s approach, is that it can help kids, teenagers, and young adults make space in their minds so that they can actually think for themselves about the potential consequences of their actions and have a productive conversation with their parent(s) without the fear, resentment, or anger—feelings that so often get in the way of kids (and adults!) ability to make good decisions.  

Practical and Tactical

1. Our kids aren’t the only ones who need to evolve and grow over time. We have to evolve and grow right along with them to be good parents.
2. Perform regular self-assessments. “How did that conversation go? How could I have done that better? What steps could I have taken to get better control over my emotions before starting the conversation? What will I do differently next time?”
3. Every parent has bad moments, but children often feel unloved when we yell or display harshness, distance, or coldness. When you do feel angry at your child, try to have empathy for what they may be feeling and remind them of your unconditional love: “I’m really angry at you, but my love for you is as strong as ever.”

About Our Guest

Dr. Michael (Levittan) is an accomplished and recognized expert on domestic violence, anger management, child abuse, trauma and PTSD. He is a licensed psychotherapist, director of a state certified batterers’ treatment program, serves as an Expert Witness in court, teaches seminars and courses at UCLA Extension, National Alliance on Mental Illness, International Conference on Violence, Abuse, and Trauma, Inter-Agency Council on Child Abuse and Neglect, L.A. Superior Court, California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, U.S. Marines, Women’s Shelters, etc. He appeared as an expert on the Tyra Banks Show, Starting Over, Bad Girls Club, Montel Williams, Hollywood 411, and in radio, online, and print publications. Dr. Michael s believes in working to further the cause of establishing safety in the family and peace in the world. His passion and determination come across in his presentations.

Mentioned in This Episode

His Story, Her Story by Debra Warner

michaellevittan.com

The post Truth and Consequences – Episode 55 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

What kind of man do you want to be? And, what’s keeping you from being that man? Chances are, one of the things getting in that way is unresolved pain from the past. “Ah, horse shit!” you say. “I can’t stand those people who blame their parents and their teachers and their schoolyard bullies for everything. Just get over it already!”

So, here’s the bad news: the impact of childhood, relational trauma—the type of trauma that falls more in line with day-to-day instances of verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and emotional neglect—is not just the stuff of daytime TV talk shows. It’s been the subject of rigorous scientific study for some years now and has been shown time and again to not only have a negative impact on your behavior, but also on your actual physical health. (Read more about the ACEs Study for details.)  

But, here’s the good news. According to our guest Dr. Mike Barnes, you can change the past—Kind of. Sometimes understanding how and why you struggled within your family can help you change your story. Did you know you wrote it? That means you can rewrite it!

And, if you struggle with anger, anxiety, depression, or addiction, identifying the traumas that may have triggered those struggles can allow you to take advantage of the many groundbreaking treatment options that have become available in recent years, including EMDR and neurofeedback.

If your aim is to live a life that’s more intentional and more fulfilling than the one that was modeled for you growing up, this is a topic you won’t want to shy away from. It’s not about blaming other people for your problems–it’s about taking responsibility for your own behaviors through deeper self-knowledge.

Practical and Tactical

1. Remember that every thought, feeling, behavior, and interaction you have feels normal to you primarily because they were the thoughts, feelings, behaviors, interactions that became normal to your through your relationships with your family of origin. You can do a lot of therapy or behavioral work that is focused on you as individual, but you’ll stay stuck at a surface level if you don’t face any issues related to your family’s dynamics.
   
2. Find a therapist who understands the neurobiological elements of emotional trauma and can teach you how to regulate your emotions and reactions using the latest, scientifically-proven treatment options.
3. In addition to individual, trauma-informed therapy, look for groups to join. As humans, we are wired for connection. The connections you make in group settings teach you how to ask for help, accept help, and offer help to others, which are all key components of healing and growth.

About our Guest

Dr. Michael Barnes is the Chief Clinical Officer at Foundry Treatment Center in Steamboat Springs, Colorado.  Working with his clinical team at Foundry, Dr Barnes is developing a trauma-integrated treatment process. His areas of responsibility included clinical oversight of all clinical programs, new program development, clinical supervision, and oversight of clinical record keeping. Dr. Barnes continues to present at national conferences, invited presentations, and as a guest lecturer at universities on the subjects of trauma, addiction, and the impact of trauma and addiction on family systems.

Mentioned in This Episode

ACEs study

Resilience: The Science of Managing Life’s Greatest Challenges by Steven Southwick and Dennis Charney

Pathways from the Culture of Addiction to the Culture of Recovery by William L. White.

EMDR

Neurofeedback and Biofeedback

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)

“That episode we did with that Canadian guy” (Connor Beaton)

The Foundry

Dr.MikeBarnes.com

The post Can You Change the Past? – Episode 54 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

As men, we often define ourselves by degrees of career success. It’s not enough to produce good work–you have to produce the best work. It’s not enough to provide a modest, but comfortable living for yourself and/or your family–you have to provide enough for the bigger houses, the best neighborhoods, the best schools. It’s not enough to have published a couple of books that you’re proud of–maybe they could have been New York Times bestsellers if you’d have worked harder. Whether your job is in a business setting, or inside your home as the caretaker for your family, it’s not enough to just be present and try to contribute to the whole in a way that’s authentic and meaningful to you–if you aren’t making tons of money or getting tons of recognition for it, haven’t you failed somehow?

In this very special solo episode of the podcast, Dan says, “Nope” and “Fuck you.” JUST KIDDING. Instead, he speaks very sincerely about his own struggles with having enough and being enough. And, about his own uncertainty as to whether his drive for greater and greater success in the field of men’s health and recovery over the past decade was really born of his own true passions, or from an unconscious acceptance of The Man Rule that told him what kind of success he should want.

We’d love to hear your own stories about this struggle, which we know is a common one for so many people. Hop over to our brand-new, closed Facebook group, to talk about it with other like-minded men and women.

The post When Your Dream Is Not Your Dream – Episode 53 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Visit the children’s clothing aisles in your favorite department store, and you’ll quickly see how deeply obsessed we are with gender dichotomies. You can be either masculine or feminine, dolls or trucks, pink or blue. You can either be tough or you can be soft. You can either be objective or you can be emotional. You can either be devoted to family or devoted to career. Everything is either/or, rarely both/and.

This means that in order  to embody our cultural idea of masculinity, men have to give up any and all claims to traits or behaviors we label as “feminine.” This forces men to detach from the fullness of the human experience.

In order to change the ways we think about men–and help men change the ways they think about themselves–we have to be able to hold competing truths in our heads–You CAN be a total badass and total sweetie pie at the same time. We also have to stop looking at men who display hyper-masculine perspectives and behavior and calling them “typical.” They’re not. They are extreme examples. In order to change unfair expectations about who men can and should be, we have to focus on what’s really going on with men who live between the extremes.

In this episode, Dan talks to psychologist Dr. Ryan McKelley who helps shed some light on what is really going on in between the extremes and how men can tune in to the full range of their emotions to develop more self-discipline and make more meaningful connections.

Practical and Tactical

1. Tune out to tune it. Tune out the most extreme stories in your news feed about men behaving badly. Instead, start focusing on how average men live their day-to-day lives. Look for men who model who you want to be and how you want to behave.
2. When you find yourself out of control emotionally or responding impulsively during stressful conversations or events, hit the instant replay button. Slow down the event in your mind and try to understand the series of events that led up to your reaction. Analyze the play and try to come up with two or three alternatives you can use the next time similar feelings start to come up.
3. Take a small risk and make a deeper connection. Start with people in your life who you’ve known and trusted for a long time — a sibling, friend or partner.  Try to go a little deeper in the next conversation you have with them. Share a thought or feeling makes you feel vulnerable.

About Our Guest

Ryan A. McKelley, Ph.D. is a Licensed Psychologist, Associate Professor of Clinical/Counseling Psychology, and Department Chair at the University of Wisconsin-La Crosse. He earned a B.S. in Organizational Communication from Northwestern University, and a M.A. in Educational Psychology and Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the University of Texas at Austin. He regularly teaches courses on health psychology, behavior modification, abnormal psychology, group counseling, and men and masculinities. In addition to his teaching and research, Dr. McKelley has provided clinical services in a community mental health center, three university counseling centers, and a pain clinic. He currently provides contract clinical services in individual and group therapy, and clinical supervision. He’s been a weekly discussant on the internet radio show and iTunes podcast The Secret Lives of Men, and is President-Elect for the Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity, a division of the American Psychological Association.

Mentioned in This Episode

Dr. Ryan McKelley’s TEDx Talk

The post Tune Out to Tune In – Episode 52 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

For Jason MacKenzie, everything was going as planned. He had a great job, a beautiful wife, two kids, a nice house, and a nice car. So, how did he one day find himself, widowed, and drinking until he passed out (again) on his couch, while his heartbroken 9-year-old daughter played on the floor alone?  

On this episode of The Man Rules podcast, Jason explains how he radically changed his life by stepping outside of his alpha male persona and embracing his long-hidden emotionality, sensitivity, and creativity through vulnerability. You’ll learn more about his mission to help other men discover the power of emotion through his Mental Health Warriors project and hear his Practical and Tactical Tips for living a more authentic life. He and Dan also discuss the differences between the problematic use of alcohol and addiction, and paths available to recovery.

Practical and Tactical Tips

1. There is so much knowledge and wisdom to be gained through your emotions. Allow yourself to feel every single one. You don’t have to let them dictate your decisions in order to learn from them.
2. Be willing to share your story in order to help others. This doesn’t mean that you have no boundaries and share anything and everything and with anyone and everyone. It means that you recognize when someone is struggling, and offer to share your story if you think it will help them.
3. When you start to step into your emotions, you are going to create opportunities for yourself that you’ve never even imagined before. Learn to embrace those opportunities and to learn from disappointment and failure.

Bonus: If you’d like to talk to someone about what you’re going through right now, you can book a complimentary two-hour conversation with Jason at MentalHealthWarriors.com.

About Our Guest

Jason MacKenzie is an expert on peak human performance. His philosophy, experience, and methods are born from the laboratory of his own life and the lives of the people he serves. A father, published author, experienced speaker, and proven leader Jason is sharing the important life lessons he has learned from his harrowing personal journey. He is a survivor of his wife’s battle with bipolar disorder and subsequent suicide and has overcome a decade-long battle with alcohol. His goal is to equip every man with the tools to become a better father, leader, and human being. Find out more at MentalHealthWarriors.com

Mentioned on The Show

The Mental Health Warriors Podcast

Terry Real – “The impact of male socialization is disconnection.”

Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability

The post What’s Left When It All Falls Away – Episode 51 appeared first on Dan Griffin.