Change is hard. And, as men, we’re being asked to do a lot of it lately. The good news? We’re prepared for it. We’ve been preparing all of our lives for it. We just didn’t know. When we were growing up, and people told us that being a man required courage and bravery, we thought they meant the kind of courage it takes to run into burning buildings–but no. They actually meant we needed to be courageous enough to face something even more terrifying: our own feelings.

The world’s rapidly changing gender dynamics are your burning building. And, it’s unlikely that you’re going to be able to run in there without getting at least a little bit burned. If you want to make it out of that building as a hero, you’re going to have to take some emotional risks. You’re going to have to have a lot of honest and uncomfortable conversations about sexual harassment, sexual assault, gender discrimination, and your own privilege. You’re going to have to be willing to risk saying the wrong thing or asking a stupid question in order to learn. You’re going to have to be willing to feel the shame and resentment when some people refuse to have patience with you as you learn and make mistakes. You’re going to have to be willing to feel your own frustration and anger when you can’t seem to get anyone to see your point-of-view. And, you’re going to have to be willing to be humbled, to acknowledge that you don’t know everything, and to acknowledge that you may have been wrong. More than anything, possibly, you’re going to need to listen in a way that you maybe never have.

Why in the hell would you put yourself through all of that? Because the reward will be great. You’ve heard the expression, “until all of us are free, none of us are free,” right? To the extent you help to remove the obstacles women face in trying to live to their full potential, you help to remove your own.
In this episode, Michael Levittan returns to talk to Dan about how men can thrive in the #MeToo era. At times, the conversation is awkward and painful. But, it’s a great example of two guys who are “not doing it perfectly, but doing it consciously.” It takes emotional courage for men to have these kinds of conversations in a public forum. AND, we’re willing to bet that it might take a great deal of emotional courage for many of you just to listen to this conversation to the end, without shutting it off to avoid feeling uncomfortable. But, we challenge you to stick with it and to join in the conversation, by letting us know what you think on Facebook, Twitter, or send an email to [email protected].

Practical and Tactical Tips

1. Speak out when you see another man being inappropriate. And keep up an ongoing dialogue with men about their views on masculinity. Men are more open to hearing that kind of feedback from other men than they are from women.
2. Educate yourself. Find out what you can do to become an ally to women and gender equality movements
3. Learn more about the differences between assertive behavior and aggressive behavior.  

About Our Guest

Dr. Michael (Levittan) is an accomplished and recognized expert on domestic violence, anger management, child abuse, trauma and PTSD. He is a licensed psychotherapist, director of a state certified batterers’ treatment program, serves as an Expert Witness in court, teaches seminars and courses at UCLA Extension, National Alliance on Mental Illness, International Conference on Violence, Abuse, and Trauma, Inter-Agency Council on Child Abuse and Neglect, L.A. Superior Court, California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, U.S. Marines, Women’s Shelters, etc. He appeared as an expert on the Tyra Banks Show, Starting Over, Bad Girls Club, Montel Williams, Hollywood 411, and in radio, online, and print publications. Dr. Michael s believes in working to further the cause of establishing safety in the family and peace in the world. His passion and determination come across in his presentations.

Mentioned in This Episode

Tarana Burke

Rose McGowan

Alyssa Milano

I’m a Straight Man, Now What? – New York Times

Tea and Consent video

The Fine Line Between a Bad Date and Sexual Assault: 2 Views on Aziz Ansari

Tony Robbins’ take on #MeToo

The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker

The post Men After #MeToo appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Dr. Allen Berger is back to help Dan introduce an exciting new monthly project for The Man Rules podcast! Dan and Allen are working on a book called What Men Would Tell You… If They Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV. It’s geared toward women who find the behavior of their male partners and/or spouses to be…puzzling, to say the least. Actually, it’s for all women in a relationship looking to better connect with the man in her life. The book doesn’t ask women to adjust their own personalities or behaviors, but instead gives them tips for creating space for understanding and cooperation.

All of that is pretty exciting, right? But, here’s the really exciting part. Each month, they’ll be answering relationship questions and sharing comments from YOU, Man Rules podcast listeners!  If you’re stuck in a relationship rut, need some perspective on what your partner could possibly be thinking, and/or want to share what you wish your partner understood about you, email [email protected].

Practical and Tactical

1. To be more personal, you have to stop taking things so personally.
2. When you encounter a problem, draw a circle and put yourself in the middle. Ask yourself questions like, “What part of this problem is created by my expectations? By my way of thinking about this situation? By my interpretation of what’s happening? By my lack of faith in my ability to grow?”
3. Get rid of the blame game. It doesn’t help anything. That doesn’t mean to just let someone off the hook for their behavior. It does mean that you always have a decision on how you respond to someone else’s behavior and how it is going to impact your relationship with them.

About Our Guest

Allen Berger, Ph.D., is an internationally recognized expert in family and couples therapy, and in the science of addiction and recovery. He is best known for his work on integrating modern psychotherapy with the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and for his insights into emotional sobriety. He is also recognized for his outstanding work as a psychotherapist and trainer.

He brings a highly unique background to his profession. His own personal journey in recovery started in 1971, on the beautiful island of Oahu, Hawaii. There he fell in love with recovery and with helping people find their way out of the abyss of addiction into the light of recovery. He overcame dropping out of high school, and received a doctorate in clinical psychology from UC Davis in 1987.He was trained and mentored by two brilliant clinicians: William C. Rader, M.D. and Walter Kempler, M.D..

He is the author of several journal articles as well as two books: Love Secrets – Revealed (HCI Books, 2006) and the bestseller, 12 Stupid Things that Mess up Recovery (Hazelden, 2008)). His pamphlet How to Get the Most out of Group Therapy (Hazelden, 2007) helps new admissions understand the process of group therapy and how to use the group to optimize their experience in treatment.

The post What Men Would Tell You… About What They’re Thinking appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Cheryl Sharp is an expert on trauma and resilience and a lifelong sailor. So, she knows a thing or two about dealing with rough waters, literally and figuratively. In this episode, she and Dan talk about the stunning cultural tsunami of the #MeToo movement and how it seems to be leveling and rearranging the ways in which men and women are expected to interact with one another. “The Water“–which Dan explains in the very first episode of this podcast–can destroy us, but it can also wash us clean.

If you’re a man who’s hesitant to listen to this one because you’re afraid you’ll hear only more arguments about how men are to blame, take heart. Cheryl has a great deal of empathy for men and the pain in them that often leads to inappropriate behavior. This doesn’t mean that she excuses the behavior–not at all. But, she does believe that the way forward is creating spaces where both women and men can speak openly and honestly about their feelings and their struggles.

Practical & Tactical

1. Know your history. Understand how we got here.
2. Don’t engage in a conversation about this unless you are coming from a place of inquiry. We need to always provide more questions to conversations than answers.
3. In your own personal relationships, try to stay centered. When you feel triggered, use it as an opportunity for you to step back and give yourself a little space so you can figure out where that pain is coming from.
4. Bonus!! Do your work. If #MeToo stories make you feel emotional, whether that’s sad or angry or defensive,  it’s an invitation for you to do some healing. If you stop at feeling angry, the anger will defeat you. #MeToo is a powerful invitation for all of us, no matter where you are on the gender spectrum, to change, grow and heal emotionally and spiritually.

About Our Guest

Cheryl S. Sharp, MSW, ALWF is an Exclusive Consultant to the National Council for Behavioral Health Trauma-Informed Services and Suicide Prevention Efforts.  As part of the trauma-informed care (TIC) team, Cheryl works nationally to facilitate TIC Learning Communities and is a content expert on trauma, resilience and TIC implementation.  Her role as Exclusive Consultant for Suicide Prevention is to work nationally with National Council partners engaged in moving the needle on preventing suicide.  

Cheryl is a person in long-term recovery from mental health and addiction challenges.  She is a nine-time suicide attempt survivor who believes that understanding what happened to people changes the conversation from what is wrong with them.  Sharp has worked with adult trauma survivors for over 30 years and is passionate about the fact that people can and do recover and go on to live happy, healthy and productive lives.

Prior to becoming an exclusive consultant for the National Council, Cheryl started and led all of the National Council’s trauma-informed initiatives.  She led On Our Own of Maryland’s Statewide Consumer Networks as the WRAP Outreach Coordinator and was the Executive Director of the STAR Process located in Arizona as well as serving on their Board of Directors.  Sharp received her BA in Psychology and a BA in Women’s Studies, followed by her Master’s Degree in Social Work from East Carolina University in North Carolina. She has done hospice social work which is also one of her ongoing passions.

Mentioned in This Episode

When Everything Changed by Gail Collins

“The Unexamined Brutality of the Male Libido” by Stephen Marche

bell hooks on the Roots of Male Violence Against Women, The New Yorker Radio Hour

The post Episode 42: Men Overboard, Cheryl Sharp on Navigating the #MeToo Sea Change appeared first on Dan Griffin.