In The Man Rules Deep Dive episodes, Dan talks to one man about his particular experiences coming to terms with some facet of his identity as a man. This month, our Deep Dive guest is Chris Cole, author, life coach, and host of the Waking Up Bipolar podcast.

Chris talks about his efforts to form a healthy identity as a man who doesn’t necessarily fit society’s definition of “normal.” He first encountered this struggle as a young boy, when it became clear to him that his preference for playing house with girls and his tendencies to be sensitive and highly attuned to the emotions of others did not fit within the realm of things that were okay for boys. His confusion around what was expected of him as a man and lack of ability to confide in anyone in his life eventually contributed to body image issues, disordered eating, and a substance use disorder.

Chris talks with Dan about how what he’s learned from his journey has helped to make him a better father, partner, and friend, and how he strives to help others through his work.

Practical & Tactical Tips

1. As men, it’s important to practice and model full and complete apologies. If you do something that hurts someone,  fully own it, and say, “I’m sorry I did this.” Part of what many people experience as toxic masculinity can be boiled down to an inability and/or unwillingness to apologize.
2. Learn to meditate. Learn to practice mindfulness no matter what that looks like based on your own spiritual or religious beliefs.
3. Self-disclose your emotions to your male friends. Find ways to do it. The majority of men in this country don’t have one man in their life with whom they can talk to about anything other than sports, weather, and politics. Taking that risk with just one other person can greatly help reduce feelings of isolation.  

About Our Guest

In addition to his life coaching services, Chris Cole has written a memoir about his own recovery journey. titled The Body of Chris: A Memoir of Obsession, Addiction, and Madness. It was an Amazon #1 bestseller for bipolar disorder, named a two-time Finalist in both Spirituality and Religious Non-Fiction for the 2016 Next Generation Indie Book Awards, and has received praise from transpersonal and clinical psychologists alike.  His most recent project, the Waking Up Bipolar podcast, is a collaborative effort focused on the intersection of bipolar disorder and spiritual awakening. He believes that mental health challenges have the potential to mark our lives in beautiful and poignant ways. To find out more visit colecoaching.com.

The post Waking Up: A Deep Dive with Chris Cole appeared first on Dan Griffin.

The Movember Foundation is a multinational charity that aims to raise awareness of and money for men’s health. They address some of the biggest health issues faced by men: prostate cancer, testicular cancer, and mental health and suicide prevention. And it’s definitely not just about moustaches!

In this episode, one of Movember’s Senior VPs, Mark Hedstrom, sits down with Dan to talk specifically about mental health among fathers (since it is #FathersMonth after all…)  

As a society, we’ve raised the bar for what it means to be a great dad in the last couple of decades. Men are enjoying a lot more freedom to be fully, physically and emotionally involved in all of the ups and downs of parenting. But, as the Movember Foundation points out on their Facebook page, part of being a great dad is taking care of yourself, so you’ll be around to see your kids through all their major milestones.

Unfortunately, this also means that a lot of Dads are also feeling pressure do things perfectly. It’s not enough to be a good Dad; you have to be a GREAT one. The day-to-day stresses of trying to be Super Dad (and Super Husband, and Super Son, and Super Employee) can definitely take a toll on a man’s mental health. And, it can cause him to de-prioritize his own physical health in favor of devoting more time to the family. And remember, as we say on MRP all of the time: you can’t do it perfectly, but you can always do it consciously.

To get started, visit Movember.com

Practical and Tactical

1. Make plans to get together with your guy friends on a regular basis. And when you do, create an opportunity to talk about what’s really going on in his life. Practice the ALEC model— Ask, Listen, Encourage, Check-in.
2. Reach out to guys you haven’t talked to in a while. Make plans to reconnect
3. Understand that men face significant, unique health risks. At age 45, start talking to your doctor about your risks for prostate and/or testicular cancer.

About Our Guest

Mark Hedstrom is the SVP of Program Commercialization for the Movember Foundation, the only global charity focused solely on men’s health, funding over 1,200 innovative projects across 21 countries. To date, they have raised hundreds of millions for men’s health programs supporting these critical areas: prostate cancer, testicular cancer, mental health and suicide prevention.

Mark is responsible for evaluating, and where appropriate, developing business cases and commercialization strategies for select national and global program investments, including but not limited to, licensing, major grants, development of social enterprise business models, intellectual property royalties and the productizing of health service products.

He grew up outside of Boston but now lives in LA. He is the third (out of three) most important humans in his family and just ahead of the two dogs, David Ortiz and LeBron James.

Mentioned in This Episode

ALEC

Movember

Testicular Cancer

Prostate Cancer

Donate to The Movember Foundation

The post More Than a Moustache appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Stories of violence continue to appear daily on our screens and we continue to wonder why. Is it the guns? Is it mental health? Is it video games? Is it Trump?

Is it men? All but two of the mass shootings in the history of this country have been perpetrated by men or even adolescent boys.

Maybe, says our guest Randy Flood. Though male socialization isn’t the only cause of male-perpetrated violence, it’s impossible to deny that it plays a role. Most men learn early on to disconnect from emotion—theirs and everyone else’s.“Suck it up” and “man up” culture has left many men without the ability to acknowledge their own pain and struggles. And, if you can’t even empathize with yourself, how can you ever really empathize with anyone else?

In short, men are left with no tools for dealing with things like fear, shame, rejection, loneliness, and anger. As a result, many act out aggressively, and sometimes violently – because those are the few tools many men are allowed to use to deal with the overwhelming emotional pain and suffering in their lives.

In this episode, Dan and Randy talk about how helping men gain emotional literacy and develop empathy can lead to a reduction in domestic violence and other violent crimes.

Practical & Tactical

1. Read a book that will challenge you to look at masculinity in a new way. Allow it to push you past your edges a bit.
2. Begin taking risks with vulnerability—Be wise about where you take those risks, of course. Make sure it’s with a trusted friend, family member or professional. But, give it a shot.
3. Recognize our history of patriarchy, be a good listener, work to be more empathetic, and, remember, that we are all in this together.

About Our Guest

Randy Flood, MA LLP is a therapist with the Fountain Hill Center, co-founder and director of the Men’s Resource Center and the Center for the Prevention and Treatment of Mascupathy. Flood has spent the last twenty years creating and developing specialized clinical services for men. Often called upon as an expert witness for district and circuit courts, Flood provides trainings on problems such as bullying, domestic violence, sexual addiction, and men in counseling. He also serves as a therapist and expert relating to parenting time and custody issues.

Flood’s first book, Stop Hurting the Woman You Love: Breaking the Cycle of Abusive Behavior, (Hazelden, 2006), co-authored with Charlie Donaldson, is widely considered one of the leading anger management books for men. He writes for several online and print publications and is a contributing writer to the Michigan Bar Journal and Voice Male magazine. Flood has consulted with national media such as the Christian Science Monitor and Minneapolis Sun Times on issues ranging from domestic violence to mass shootings. His expertise has also been featured on radio, television, podcasts, and in regional and state publications.

Mentioned In This Episode

Men’s Resource Center of West Michigan

Stop Hurting the Woman You Love

Mascupathy: Understanding and Healing the Malaise of American Manhood

Fight Club

I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression

Jackson Katz

Voice Male magazine

Intersectionality

The post Empathy is the Enemy of Violence – Episode 58 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

For Jason MacKenzie, everything was going as planned. He had a great job, a beautiful wife, two kids, a nice house, and a nice car. So, how did he one day find himself, widowed, and drinking until he passed out (again) on his couch, while his heartbroken 9-year-old daughter played on the floor alone?  

On this episode of The Man Rules podcast, Jason explains how he radically changed his life by stepping outside of his alpha male persona and embracing his long-hidden emotionality, sensitivity, and creativity through vulnerability. You’ll learn more about his mission to help other men discover the power of emotion through his Mental Health Warriors project and hear his Practical and Tactical Tips for living a more authentic life. He and Dan also discuss the differences between the problematic use of alcohol and addiction, and paths available to recovery.

Practical and Tactical Tips

1. There is so much knowledge and wisdom to be gained through your emotions. Allow yourself to feel every single one. You don’t have to let them dictate your decisions in order to learn from them.
2. Be willing to share your story in order to help others. This doesn’t mean that you have no boundaries and share anything and everything and with anyone and everyone. It means that you recognize when someone is struggling, and offer to share your story if you think it will help them.
3. When you start to step into your emotions, you are going to create opportunities for yourself that you’ve never even imagined before. Learn to embrace those opportunities and to learn from disappointment and failure.

Bonus: If you’d like to talk to someone about what you’re going through right now, you can book a complimentary two-hour conversation with Jason at MentalHealthWarriors.com.

About Our Guest

Jason MacKenzie is an expert on peak human performance. His philosophy, experience, and methods are born from the laboratory of his own life and the lives of the people he serves. A father, published author, experienced speaker, and proven leader Jason is sharing the important life lessons he has learned from his harrowing personal journey. He is a survivor of his wife’s battle with bipolar disorder and subsequent suicide and has overcome a decade-long battle with alcohol. His goal is to equip every man with the tools to become a better father, leader, and human being. Find out more at MentalHealthWarriors.com

Mentioned on The Show

The Mental Health Warriors Podcast

Terry Real – “The impact of male socialization is disconnection.”

Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability

The post What’s Left When It All Falls Away – Episode 51 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Happy New Year! And welcome to the annual tradition of making resolutions without much resolve. This year, though, could really be your year. Instead of relying on willpower to achieve your goals, rely on a framework for positive change, like our guest Darcy Luoma’s Thoughtfully Fit®.

Through her years of experience, Darcy has learned that if you want strong relationships, effective teams, more internal peace, and greater success you need to work from the inside out. She calls this being Thoughtfully Fit and just like physical fitness, you need to work at it. Being Thoughtfully Fit can help you lead yourself, as well as your relationships with others, by improving your ability to communicate, and effectively handle conflict by acting mindfully and intentionally. It’s a great model for developing the kind of conscious masculinity we always talk about on the show, and for becoming the man you want to be in 2018 and beyond.

Also, if you’ve ever wondered about the difference between a therapist and life coach, Darcy and Dan offer an explanation and some tips on how to decide whether you need therapy or coaching. (Or both!)

For more information about the Thoughtfully Fit framework, check out Darcy Luoma’s blog.

Practical and Tactical Tips

              The Thoughtfully Fit Framework           

1. PAUSE. When you feel that you are on verge of reacting to something, create some space between feeling and action. (e.g. Don’t just ram through and hit send on that response to your co-worker’s nasty email.)
2. THINK. Ask yourself some thoughtful questions about what you want the outcome to be.
3. ACT based on the desired outcome.

About Our Guest

Darcy Luoma helps individuals, business leaders and teams develop and execute action plans, navigate conflict successfully, unlock their leadership potential, improve communication skills, and bring clarity to chaos is so rewarding. By posing powerful questions, providing specific tools and techniques, encouraging creativity, and breaking large goals into manageable steps, her clients achieve tremendous success, including promotions, higher performance, exceeding goals, and successfully navigating job and life transitions.

She has helped hundreds of people achieve tremendous success – personally and professionally. You can contact her through her website, www.darcyluoma.com.

Mentioned In This Episode

Brene Brown

Angela Duckworth

Martin Luther

The post Episode 45: Go Coach Yourself! appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Photo by MontyLov on Unsplash

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just have to find the ones worth suffering for.” – Bob Marley

When’s the last time you talked to another man about something that was going on in your life and how you were feeling about it? Something besides sports, business, or cars—Go ahead. Think about it. We’ll wait. If you’re like a lot of men (ages 25 to whatever), it’s a been a while. Loneliness and isolation is an epidemic in the western world in general, but especially among men. When men open up about the reasons they live in isolation, you often find that it is a fear of closeness and a fear of being hurt that keeps men from reaching out. “Keep people at a safe distance” is definitely a big Man Rule.

Suicide among men is at an all-time high. Something is killing men–and it’s called loneliness. Not the ABC afterschool special kind of loneliness, but the visceral loneliness of feeling completely separate and unable to share your true self and life struggles openly and honestly with anyone.

The Man Rules are pretty specific about what not to do when trying to befriend other men. Not only are many of those rules rooted in homophobia, but they also often prevent men from going beyond small talk and fart jokes in order to develop deeper, more intimate connections. (Not that there’s anything wrong with fart jokes, of course.)

In another candid and vulnerable episode, the Deep Dive Guys–Dan, Michael Dinneen, and Cody Gardner–are back to talk about their own struggles in maintaining friendships and to share strategies for developing strong and supportive connections with other men.

Practical & Tactical

1. Call somebody in your circle of friends every day to talk about what’s going on your life, and to listen–really listen–to what’s going on in theirs.
2. Be intentional about scheduling time to spend with your friends. Try setting aside a full day every month, if possible, just for “friend time.”
3. Think about the kind of friends you want to have. Focus on becoming that kind of friend for others.

Mentioned in this episode:

The biggest threat facing middle -age men isn’t smoking or obesity. It’s loneliness. (Boston Globe)

Dr. Sue Johnson

The Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks

Rollin’ with my Homies, Coolio

The post Episode 39: Rollin’ with No Homies appeared first on Dan Griffin.

One of the great Man Rules is: Don’t feel. Of course, it is actually men aren’t allowed to feel anything other than anger. It is not manly to express the “softer” feelings. We learn it very early and often brutally and that training lasts a very long time. And takes a very long time to unlearn. Some people even think it is just how men are: we simply don’t have those feelings. I fundamentally disagree with that and the men in recovery I know and love have shown me otherwise.

In the last few years, I have discovered an important fact. In recovery we talk about how feelings are not facts. This is true. Feelings are also genderless. What does that mean? Assigning gender to specific feelings is something I was guilty of in my first book, and is something that our culture does to boys and men starting at a very early age. It is the essence of the Water I talked about earlier. Unintentionally, I perpetuated the idea that feelings such as hurt, sadness, and fear are feminine. But if men and women and boys and girls all have those feelings, how can they be masculine or feminine? Feelings are universal; they have no gender. You may not be aware of them right now because you have been trained through the Rules not to recognize them. And if you do recognize them, you are prohibited from acknowledging them to others. But as we continue to evolve as humans and grow in our recovery, we become more aware of all of our feelings. They are part of our life experience. As Ed said previously, “To feel is to be alive.”

My challenge, and the challenge of a lot of the men I spoke with for this book, is accepting and expressing my feelings. How comfortable are you telling your partner that your feelings are hurt? I had specific patterns of interaction in my romantic relationships when they did something and my feelings were hurt. All I had to do was say, “That hurt my feelings,” or “That hurt,” or even simply say, “Ouch.” Instead, how did I behave? First, I acted offended. Then, I began to raise my voice. I would attack them with criticism. Were they guilty? Absolutely, but mostly guilty of being human. I felt hurt and I could not bear to admit it. The discomfort and shame I felt would not allow me to simply hold the feeling. I would start a fight rather than admit my feelings were hurt. How many times have you done something similar?

So that is a big part of the work in front of us. Our partners do not necessarily have any idea of the emotions going on inside of us when all we show them is stoicism, sarcasm, and anger. Yet, we have not only not learned how to show those emotions but we have learned not to show them. They are a sign of weakness. They will lead to our being taken advantage of. Hurt. Abandoned. We come to believe that they will lead to our undoing. And so we hide them deep away inside of us. The truth is, however, they are the key that unlocks not only our hearts but the hearts of all of those we love.

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