Life is one lesson after another. If we are paying attention. Sometimes we get the same lessons over and over, often with increasing intensity. The first time it is as if the Universe is saying, “Psst…Hey Buddy” and just whispers in our ear. The next time maybe there is a slight tap on the shoulder. Then a tug of the arm. Then getting hit upside the back of the head. Hopefully a two-by-four across the forehead can be avoided. The question: What does it take to wake up? The young people (holy shit, did I just say that? I am still kicking and screaming into middle age) talk about being #woke and it is a wonderful concept but sooooooo much harder to put into practice in your life. At least, in my experience, it is pretty easy to go back to sleep. 

In this episode, I talk about a car accident I had last week and the lessons I am taking away from it. I am truly grateful that nobody was hurt. I am pretty sure this was me getting hit upside the back of the head. My journey with being a #woke human being regarding my relationship to anger. It is amazing the near tragedies and catastrophes we walk away from, sometimes unscathed because of the fraction of a second, because Life is giving us an opportunity to pay closer attention. And yet we close our eyes. Other than my car, there was no damage. I hope I listen. This time.   

Discussed in this Episode

The Butterfly Effect

Bullet with Butterfly Wings (and Lyrics)

The post The Bullet & The Butterfly Wings appeared first on Dan Griffin.

If you want to change old patterns of thought and behavior—like choosing more consciously how The Man Rules fit into your life—you’re going to need to broaden your perspective and gain some personal insight. There’s no better way to do that than reading. I know, I know… No one has time for that these days. Not in a world of smart phones and Netflix. But, if you’re serious about developing a practice that will lead you toward a more conscious masculinity, I strongly encourage to add reading to your repertoire–even if it’s only a page or two a day.

Each month I’ll be sharing three books that have helped me along the way…here are the books for the Month of May, our special 1 year anniversary celebration list. If you or someone you know struggles with depression or anger issues or overall relationship challenges (uh, who wouldn’t be in that camp?) then check out these books.

I Don’t Want to Talk About

by Terry Real

Depression is a very insidious disease. For the longest time it was really thought to be an issue mostly for women. Men didn’t even come forward about it. Even those men who did find themselves getting help didn’t get the right help because the majority of the therapists and “helpers” didn’t understand what male depression looks like. Until Terry wrote this groundbreaking book. With men’s suicide rates at all-time high, the increasing pressure for men to be relational and connect, and our even increasing focus on mental health, in general, in this country male depression is not going away. It continues to be missed by men, their loved ones, and professionals working with men and couples. If you have questions about depression, are concerned about yourself or a loved one, check out this book and get a better understanding of what depression can look like in men and the best ways to treat it.

The Anger Solution

by John Lee

If you are familiar with my work then you have probably heard me talk about the anger funnel. The idea that men learn to take all of the feelings that are not okay to share or even experience – fear, sadness, insecurity, shame, hurt, etc – and place in a funnel where they come out as some form of anger. Understanding what feelings are underneath the anger is an essential part of men’s healing and building true intimacy in any relationship. But what is the difference between anger and rage? Is anger really the issue?

If you struggle with anger in any way – and chances are it may be more rage that you struggle with – this book and all of John Lee’s work could be very helpful. As someone who has been brought to his knees many times over the years by rage, trauma, and shame I am learning the power of having a healthy relationship to anger. If anyone has ever given you feedback about being angry, mean, or an asshole check out this book and John’s work.

Love Secrets Revealed

by Dr. Allen Berger

I love Allen and his work. He has a wonderful way of communicating complicated ideas. There are a lot of books out there on relationships and intimacy and how to improve them. A lot of them are crap, if you ask me. This is a really good one but I am biased. Read it for yourself and see what you think.

Tell me About Your Favorite Books

Do you have some favorite books that have changed the way you think about men and relationships? Email your recommendations to [email protected] or tweet it @authordgriffin or reach out on Facebook.

The post RecomMENded Reading – May appeared first on Dan Griffin.

There’s a lot of talk about anger and rage in the media these days. According to many,  we live in an “outrage culture” and male anger is the cause of much domestic assault and gun violence. We’re also often reminded that social media has destroyed civility and turned us all into narrow-minded, passive-aggressive–and sometimes just plain aggressive— bullies.

What if we told you that one of the biggest problems with our society’s obsession with anger is its fundamental misunderstanding of what it even is?

While some of the alarmism around anger is justified, the reliance on extreme examples is giving us a distorted impression of what anger really is, how it can be expressed in ways that are healthy, and how it can help build connections rather than destroy them.

In this week’s episode, John Lee is back to talk about how has been trying to help people understand the differences between anger and rage for decades.

John lays out the differences between anger and rage, (i.e., anger is a feeling; rage is an action) and helps us understand the destructive behaviors associated with enrage and outrage. He and Dan also offer some suggestions for men who want to learn how to recognize when anger is moving them into an emotionally regressive state; a state where they’re reacting to past events rather than responding to present circumstances.

Check out this FREE  download from John Anger Regression

Practical and Tactical Tips

1. Take the time to reflect on the last time you felt angry. Did you express that angry appropriately or did you rage?
2. Do you tend to be an outrager or an enrager?
   

   OUTRAGER	ENRAGER
   Slamming doors	Sulking
   Throwing things	Stuffing
   Cursing	Seething
   Pushing	Stewing
   Shoving
   Hitting

    

3. Which of these behaviors tend be your go-tos? Own it and seek to change it. Do some online research, read some books on anger and rage, and find a therapist or counselor.
   

   “SOFT RAGE”	PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE RAGE
   Shaming	Sarcasm
   Blaming	Jokes
   Demeaning	Put-downs
   Demoralizing	One-upmanship
   Criticizing	Sabotage
   Preaching	Control
   Teaching	Manipulation
   Judging	Lies
   Analyzing	Gossip

    

4. Pay attention to where you feel anger in your body. When you feel that you are about to react in a way that is disproportional to the even, then go deal with it before you dump it on somebody else.

About Our Guest

John Lee is a pioneer in the fields of self-help, anger, co-dependency, creativity, recovery, relationships and men’s issues. In the mental health field, he is considered the therapist’s therapist and regularly trains and mentors therapists on how to work with clients and how to work on themselves. He has taught his techniques and theories to thousands of individuals, couples, families, groups, corporations, and therapists all over the world.

Mentioned in This Episode

Growing Yourself Back Up (Book)

The Anger Solution (Book)

JohnLeeBooks.com

The post All the Rage: How Men Can Transform Anger appeared first on Dan Griffin.

John Lee has been at the forefront of the movement to help men with their health, psychological and spiritual well-being and recovery for decades. He has written 23 books on men’s issues, recovery, anger, grief, relationship, creativity, and spirituality. He has taught his techniques and theories to thousands of individuals, couples, families, groups, corporations, and therapists all over the world.

There are a handful of men that we can point to and thank for having the courage to challenge The Man Rules long before it was safe enough or accepted as okay. John Lee is one of those men.

In this episode, Dan and John talk about the progress men have made in the last few decades. John talks fondly of the time he spent with Robert Bly, one of the true pioneers of looking differently at men’s lives and how the two of them had the privilege of being with hundreds and even thousands of men who were looking for a way out of the quiet desperation tearing their lives apart.

Dan and John cover a lot of material from the unfortunate portrayals of men in the media from idiot to hypermasculine warrior, the significance of the superhero resurrection, the importance of mentors, the lack of depth in many of today’s discussions about masculinity, and their hopes for the future.

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