Over and over again in my recovery meetings I hear men talk about how much they do not like asking for help. We keep waiting for the time when we can handle all of it on our own. We would much rather not look weak or like we cannot handle something. So, secretly most of us sit waiting for the time when we can take over again and not have to rely on anyone or anything, especially that “God” nonsense. But really anyone. Because we all know that real men don’t ask for help. Does that sound familiar?
How do you feel when you ask for help? I don’t like it. Despite the numerous times I have done it and the numerous resources I have used throughout my life, I still do not like it. I especially do not like it when asking for help seems to imply that the person I’m asking knows more than I do or that I am wrong or am not competent. Of course, I am wrong all the time and there are myriad things I cannot do. It is not really about that. It is an emotional response and is connected to the shame I still carry about looking or feeling weak or unmanly. Like the vast majority of men, I have a certain block when it comes to seeking support, and a default mode that basically says, “Be a man and fix it yourself. Little boys need help. Real men . . . blah, blah, blah.”
Think of all of the sources of potential support available in our relationships. Then think about how often you access that support. Think about what gets in the way of accessing it. Despite the fact that I have been living an examined life for many years and have acclimated myself to the idea of mutual support, as I stated above, I still really don’t like asking for or getting support. Giving support? Sure. I’ll support any man or woman. I love to have the answers and be the expert. I’ll admire the hell out of a man for reaching out and showing the humility it takes to ask for help. It may even lead me to seek support myself. But making that a regular practice in my life has proven to be quite challenging.
How do you do with asking for help?
What is the hardest part for you?
How has it improved for you?
