Why are so many of us confused about consent? The idea has come up a lot lately in the wake of the #metoo movement. And, discussions about it have intensified with reactions to the story about a sexual encounter a woman had with comedian Aziz Ansari. On news sites and Facebook feeds nationwide, people are asking, “Was that encounter assault, misconduct, or just a bad date?” “Is Aziz Ansari a good guy or bad guy?” “Is the woman who told the story a victim or a liar?”
According to Mike Domritz—who has been teaching audiences far and wide about consent for years—these are the wrong questions to ask. He and Dan talk about what consent really means and what it doesn’t, and about what’s at stake when we’re too afraid to ask the right questions. Isn’t “consent” really the least we can do? What if we built a culture of mutuality instead? What if every person truly had the freedom to choose whether they wanted to engage sexually without guilt, pressure, coercion, or the specter of gendered cultural expectations?
Practical and Tactical Tips
- Don’t think in terms of “good people versus bad people” when it comes to sexual misconduct. It allows us to disidentify and avoid having honest conversations about our own less-than-ideal behaviors.
- Instead of framing allegations of sexual misconduct in the news with the question of, “Was it assault/misconduct/harassment or not,” pause and ask yourself, “Does it sound like the sexual activity was equally wanted by all parties?
- Take a look at yourself and determine that you’re only going to engage in sexual activity that is mutually-wanted by all partners. Nobody is immune to sexual pressures, but you can choose to say, “I will not let pressure make my decisions for me.”
About Our Guest
For over a decade, Mike Domitrz has been inspiring individuals with his hilarious sense of humor and his uncanny ability to draw hard-hitting emotion from audiences. Schools, organizations, military bases and more constantly rave about what a lasting impact he has with his audience. In addition to his speaking and writing, Mike Domitrz founded and is currently the Executive Director of The DATE SAFE Project. Through interactive presentations, creative educational resources, and unique national initiatives, The DATE SAFE Project is committed to being the nation’s leading organization for creating healthier dating environments, a clearer understanding of “consent” and for raising awareness on the many issues surrounding sexual assault.
Mentioned on the Show
The Everyday Mindfulness podcast
“Violence against women – it’s a men’s issue.” Jackson Katz, TEDTalk
“Everyone Deserves a Choice.” Mike Domritz on The Man Rules Podcast, Episode 8
