The Man Rules do not prepare men to navigate the rocky emotional terrain of their day-to-day lives. So, what happens when childhood sexual abuse and emotional abuse make that terrain much, much rockier than average?

In most cases, it leads to men suffering in silence from profound depression, crippling anxiety, rage, addiction, and behaviors that are destructive to themselves and others. Larry Ruhl, our guest this week, was on such a path until his caring partner encouraged him to get help. His father began sexually abusing him at age 4, and he was constantly subjected to his narcissistic mother’s verbal abuse, manipulation, and violent rages. Teased and berated for not being man enough; seduced and abused for his sensitivity and vulnerability.

He shares his story with Dan and proves that no matter how men have suffered, or how limited they’ve been by The Man Rules, there is hope and there is a better way forward.

Larry’s story is the first to be featured in our new series of Deep Dive episodes, where we ask one man to share about his struggles in learning to live authentically in spite of The Man Rules. If you can identify with any of this story please find someone with whom you can talk and consider getting help and support. You deserve peace and you don’t have to suffer alone.

Practical and Tactical

1. Allow yourself to indulge in a creative activity without judgment. Find a creative outlet that allows you to express a part of yourself that you don’t let other people see.
2. Challenge yourself to get unstuck. Identify something you over and over that causes you and others pain, hold you back living the kind of life you want to live, or just irritates you in some way. Find a path to get unstuck that works for you. Could be therapy, support groups, developing deeper friendships and connections, speaking out, etc. 
3. Men, as we know, are expected to be the provider, the tough guy, the Sex God, etc.—Find some way to shed all of that crap and do something that’s just for you.

About Our Guest

Larry Ruhl is the author of Breaking the Ruhls, a memoir about recovering from childhood sexual abuse and complex trauma. He is a registered speaker with the RAINN network (Rape Abuse Incest National Network). He previously served as a board member at Male Survivor. He also spoke at colleges and retreats to increase awareness of sexual abuse against men and boys. Today he shares his story publicly to spread awareness and to help others shed the shame and stigma associated with sexual abuse. He graduated from the Fashion Institute of Technology (FIT), with a degree in Display & Exhibit Design.

Mentioned in This Episode

Breaking the Rules (Larry’s Memoir)

Larry on Twitter and Facebook

Little Boxes (Song by Malvina Reynolds)

The post Breaking the Ruhls (and The Rules) appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Jess Pettitt is, among other things, a diversity educator.

Did you just roll your eyes at that? Did you shudder at the memory of a terrible corporate diversity training you we forced to attend in the past? Did you recall a particularly hilarious episode of The Office where they brilliantly spoofed diversity trainings? Did you feel annoyed at the idea of giving the PC Police yet another platform and frustrated by the fact that you can’t say anything to anyone anymore without offending them?

Then, you’re definitely going to want to listen to this show.

Jess and Dan shine a light on how the fear of getting it wrong—  whether “it” is breaking one of The Man Rules or saying the wrong thing at the wrong time to your female co-worker— prevents us from learning from one another, developing meaningful connections, and advocating for positive changes. And this is not a one-sided conversation. This is no liberals-are-awesome-and-conservatives-suck kind of deal. It is about learning how to listen to everyone.

Jess also shares some great practical tips for doing the best you can with what you have some of the time, instead of striving for perfection or opting out due to pressure and frustration.  

Practical and Tactical

1. You can’t get mad at someone for acting the way that you expected them to act. If someone behaves in a way that you expected them to, and you get mad about it, work on reacting in a different way.
2. You can get mad at yourself for how you act. Be aware of how you show up in interactions with the people around you, and take responsibility for any negative reactions, whether you intended to cause offense or not.
3. It’s important to take responsibility, but at the same time, give yourself a bit of a break. The way you were likely taught to perform masculinity doesn’t leave much room for you to forgive yourself or take care of your emotional needs. So give yourself permission to do exactly that.

About Our Guest

Audiences are inspired to stand up and take action as Jessica Pettitt leads them down the path to understanding they are good enough to make the changes they seek. Challenging long-held assumptions about the type of people who drive change and are successful, Jessica eradicates excuses and provides strategies to communicate openly and actively seek success. As a professional speaker, her expertise earned her the Certified Speaking Professional designation from the National Speakers Association. A designation held by fewer than 800 people worldwide. As a facilitator, she provides the framework for open, welcoming, and productive conversation. Whether she provides a motivational keynote, an in-depth workshop, facilitates group interaction, or frames an entire conference as emcee, Jessica brings humor, a high-level understanding of adult learning, and an ability to engage participants and encourage them to engage with each other. Participants walk away focused and confident in their role to make change now.

Mentioned in This Episode

Good Enough Now

Fassinger’s Identity Model

Jess’s TEDx Talk – The Day Everything Changed

Roger’s Innovation Adoption Curve

Harry Potter

The post Turn Your Fears Into Actions – Episode 59 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Stories of violence continue to appear daily on our screens and we continue to wonder why. Is it the guns? Is it mental health? Is it video games? Is it Trump?

Is it men? All but two of the mass shootings in the history of this country have been perpetrated by men or even adolescent boys.

Maybe, says our guest Randy Flood. Though male socialization isn’t the only cause of male-perpetrated violence, it’s impossible to deny that it plays a role. Most men learn early on to disconnect from emotion—theirs and everyone else’s.“Suck it up” and “man up” culture has left many men without the ability to acknowledge their own pain and struggles. And, if you can’t even empathize with yourself, how can you ever really empathize with anyone else?

In short, men are left with no tools for dealing with things like fear, shame, rejection, loneliness, and anger. As a result, many act out aggressively, and sometimes violently – because those are the few tools many men are allowed to use to deal with the overwhelming emotional pain and suffering in their lives.

In this episode, Dan and Randy talk about how helping men gain emotional literacy and develop empathy can lead to a reduction in domestic violence and other violent crimes.

Practical & Tactical

1. Read a book that will challenge you to look at masculinity in a new way. Allow it to push you past your edges a bit.
2. Begin taking risks with vulnerability—Be wise about where you take those risks, of course. Make sure it’s with a trusted friend, family member or professional. But, give it a shot.
3. Recognize our history of patriarchy, be a good listener, work to be more empathetic, and, remember, that we are all in this together.

About Our Guest

Randy Flood, MA LLP is a therapist with the Fountain Hill Center, co-founder and director of the Men’s Resource Center and the Center for the Prevention and Treatment of Mascupathy. Flood has spent the last twenty years creating and developing specialized clinical services for men. Often called upon as an expert witness for district and circuit courts, Flood provides trainings on problems such as bullying, domestic violence, sexual addiction, and men in counseling. He also serves as a therapist and expert relating to parenting time and custody issues.

Flood’s first book, Stop Hurting the Woman You Love: Breaking the Cycle of Abusive Behavior, (Hazelden, 2006), co-authored with Charlie Donaldson, is widely considered one of the leading anger management books for men. He writes for several online and print publications and is a contributing writer to the Michigan Bar Journal and Voice Male magazine. Flood has consulted with national media such as the Christian Science Monitor and Minneapolis Sun Times on issues ranging from domestic violence to mass shootings. His expertise has also been featured on radio, television, podcasts, and in regional and state publications.

Mentioned In This Episode

Men’s Resource Center of West Michigan

Stop Hurting the Woman You Love

Mascupathy: Understanding and Healing the Malaise of American Manhood

Fight Club

I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression

Jackson Katz

Voice Male magazine

Intersectionality

The post Empathy is the Enemy of Violence – Episode 58 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Any relationship worth its salt—whether it’s with a partner, spouse, co-worker, friend, or child—is well-seasoned with conflict. “We never fight” is really just code for “We are never honest with one another.” So, don’t measure your success in a relationship based on how often you fight, measure it based on how calmly and respectfully you manage to behave during a fight, and how authentically you are able to reconnect with the other person afterwards.

Reconnecting after a major disagreement requires humility and vulnerability–and, God, we so resent that here at The Man Rules podcast. But, in this episode, Dan explains how you can actually get comfortable with vulnerability in spite of The Man Rules’ insistence that you never feel nor show vulnerability. And, he shares some great tips on how to create emotional safety for your loved ones by demonstrating that the relationship is more important to you than the rift.

Mentioned in This Episode

Relational Cultural Theory

The Breakfast Club

About Dan

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. Dan’s work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. Griffin is the author of several books including, A Man’s Way through Relationships, the first book written specifically to help men create healthy relationships while navigating the challenges of the “Man Rules,” those ideas men internalize at very young ages about how to be real boys and men. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous.

The post How to Reconnect After a Fight appeared first on Dan Griffin.

A major shift is happening in how we view gender, sexuality and violence. Many people, like our guest Mary Woods, see echoes of the 60s civil rights movements in this modern era of protest and consciousness raising. But, many men feel confused about their place in these movements. In the stories we hear day after day, men are the perpetrators of the sexual violence, racial violence, and gun violence. Much of the conversation focuses on how to change men–and no doubt, change is needed. But, as Dan often says, “We can’t just change what men think, we have to change what we think about men.”

Change cannot happen when people are silenced or dismissed. The Women’s Movement has had its success through teaching women how to understand the day-to-day mechanics of their oppression and the importance of speaking out against them. In order to speak out, they had to build a huge community of people who would lend their support and make it safe for them to speak out and take action.

We have to do the same for men.

In this episode Dan and Mary talk about the ways that we can support men as they confront the injustices of their socialization as men (i.e. be the biggest, the baddest, the richest, the meanest), wrestle with their relationships to power, and try to build a canal through the muddy waters of gender expectation.

Practical and Tactical

1. Sit down with someone of a different gender and ask them “What is your experience like living in our society today? What was living in your family like? And listen. Then, ask yourself if your ideas and perspectives changed, even just a little.
2. Look at the history of the women’s rights movement, the civil rights movement, and treatment of veterans. If you don’t study your history, you’re doomed to repeat it.
3. Join a group that will help you look at things from a different perspective. Joining with others to tell the truth about your experiences and listen closely as they tell the truth about theirs.

About Our Guest

Mary Ryan Woods holds a master’s degree in human service administration, is a Board Certified Licensed Registered Nurse and a Licensed Alcohol and Drug Abuse Counselor, who has over 37 years’ experience in substance abuse services and community mental health programs. Woods began her career in the addictions profession working in a variety of settings. Currently, she is the Executive Officer for WestBridge Community Services a private, nonprofit organization dedicated to the treatment of individuals and families with co-occurring mental illness and substance use disorders. WestBridge has programs in New Hampshire and Florida. She is a Past President for NAADAC the association of addiction professionals.

Mentioned in This Episode

WestBridge

Dual Diagnosis

The Post (movie)

George Carlin

All in The Family

The Lion’s Paw (Note: There are several variations of this story.)

Dialectical Behavior Therapy

The post Muddy Waters – Episode 56 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

The truth—as both Dan and his guest Dr. Michael Levittan see it—is that the ways we raise boys and girls to relate to one another is dysfunctional at best, personally damaging and emotionally debilitating at worst. The consequences of this reality range from domestic violence and sexual assault to a life full of disconnection and dissatisfaction in relationships.

So how do imperfect people and imperfect parents such as ourselves, with our own struggles and hang-ups when it comes to power dynamics in relationships, show our children a better way? According to Dr. Michael, one way is to raise them without consequences.

For those of us who are parents, that sounds crazy, right? Irresponsible, even! But, the remarkable thing about Dr. Michael’s approach, is that it can help kids, teenagers, and young adults make space in their minds so that they can actually think for themselves about the potential consequences of their actions and have a productive conversation with their parent(s) without the fear, resentment, or anger—feelings that so often get in the way of kids (and adults!) ability to make good decisions.  

Practical and Tactical

1. Our kids aren’t the only ones who need to evolve and grow over time. We have to evolve and grow right along with them to be good parents.
2. Perform regular self-assessments. “How did that conversation go? How could I have done that better? What steps could I have taken to get better control over my emotions before starting the conversation? What will I do differently next time?”
3. Every parent has bad moments, but children often feel unloved when we yell or display harshness, distance, or coldness. When you do feel angry at your child, try to have empathy for what they may be feeling and remind them of your unconditional love: “I’m really angry at you, but my love for you is as strong as ever.”

About Our Guest

Dr. Michael (Levittan) is an accomplished and recognized expert on domestic violence, anger management, child abuse, trauma and PTSD. He is a licensed psychotherapist, director of a state certified batterers’ treatment program, serves as an Expert Witness in court, teaches seminars and courses at UCLA Extension, National Alliance on Mental Illness, International Conference on Violence, Abuse, and Trauma, Inter-Agency Council on Child Abuse and Neglect, L.A. Superior Court, California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, U.S. Marines, Women’s Shelters, etc. He appeared as an expert on the Tyra Banks Show, Starting Over, Bad Girls Club, Montel Williams, Hollywood 411, and in radio, online, and print publications. Dr. Michael s believes in working to further the cause of establishing safety in the family and peace in the world. His passion and determination come across in his presentations.

Mentioned in This Episode

His Story, Her Story by Debra Warner

michaellevittan.com

The post Truth and Consequences – Episode 55 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

What kind of man do you want to be? And, what’s keeping you from being that man? Chances are, one of the things getting in that way is unresolved pain from the past. “Ah, horse shit!” you say. “I can’t stand those people who blame their parents and their teachers and their schoolyard bullies for everything. Just get over it already!”

So, here’s the bad news: the impact of childhood, relational trauma—the type of trauma that falls more in line with day-to-day instances of verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and emotional neglect—is not just the stuff of daytime TV talk shows. It’s been the subject of rigorous scientific study for some years now and has been shown time and again to not only have a negative impact on your behavior, but also on your actual physical health. (Read more about the ACEs Study for details.)  

But, here’s the good news. According to our guest Dr. Mike Barnes, you can change the past—Kind of. Sometimes understanding how and why you struggled within your family can help you change your story. Did you know you wrote it? That means you can rewrite it!

And, if you struggle with anger, anxiety, depression, or addiction, identifying the traumas that may have triggered those struggles can allow you to take advantage of the many groundbreaking treatment options that have become available in recent years, including EMDR and neurofeedback.

If your aim is to live a life that’s more intentional and more fulfilling than the one that was modeled for you growing up, this is a topic you won’t want to shy away from. It’s not about blaming other people for your problems–it’s about taking responsibility for your own behaviors through deeper self-knowledge.

Practical and Tactical

1. Remember that every thought, feeling, behavior, and interaction you have feels normal to you primarily because they were the thoughts, feelings, behaviors, interactions that became normal to your through your relationships with your family of origin. You can do a lot of therapy or behavioral work that is focused on you as individual, but you’ll stay stuck at a surface level if you don’t face any issues related to your family’s dynamics.
   
2. Find a therapist who understands the neurobiological elements of emotional trauma and can teach you how to regulate your emotions and reactions using the latest, scientifically-proven treatment options.
3. In addition to individual, trauma-informed therapy, look for groups to join. As humans, we are wired for connection. The connections you make in group settings teach you how to ask for help, accept help, and offer help to others, which are all key components of healing and growth.

About our Guest

Dr. Michael Barnes is the Chief Clinical Officer at Foundry Treatment Center in Steamboat Springs, Colorado.  Working with his clinical team at Foundry, Dr Barnes is developing a trauma-integrated treatment process. His areas of responsibility included clinical oversight of all clinical programs, new program development, clinical supervision, and oversight of clinical record keeping. Dr. Barnes continues to present at national conferences, invited presentations, and as a guest lecturer at universities on the subjects of trauma, addiction, and the impact of trauma and addiction on family systems.

Mentioned in This Episode

ACEs study

Resilience: The Science of Managing Life’s Greatest Challenges by Steven Southwick and Dennis Charney

Pathways from the Culture of Addiction to the Culture of Recovery by William L. White.

EMDR

Neurofeedback and Biofeedback

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)

“That episode we did with that Canadian guy” (Connor Beaton)

The Foundry

Dr.MikeBarnes.com

The post Can You Change the Past? – Episode 54 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

As men, we often define ourselves by degrees of career success. It’s not enough to produce good work–you have to produce the best work. It’s not enough to provide a modest, but comfortable living for yourself and/or your family–you have to provide enough for the bigger houses, the best neighborhoods, the best schools. It’s not enough to have published a couple of books that you’re proud of–maybe they could have been New York Times bestsellers if you’d have worked harder. Whether your job is in a business setting, or inside your home as the caretaker for your family, it’s not enough to just be present and try to contribute to the whole in a way that’s authentic and meaningful to you–if you aren’t making tons of money or getting tons of recognition for it, haven’t you failed somehow?

In this very special solo episode of the podcast, Dan says, “Nope” and “Fuck you.” JUST KIDDING. Instead, he speaks very sincerely about his own struggles with having enough and being enough. And, about his own uncertainty as to whether his drive for greater and greater success in the field of men’s health and recovery over the past decade was really born of his own true passions, or from an unconscious acceptance of The Man Rule that told him what kind of success he should want.

We’d love to hear your own stories about this struggle, which we know is a common one for so many people. Hop over to our brand-new, closed Facebook group, to talk about it with other like-minded men and women.

The post When Your Dream Is Not Your Dream – Episode 53 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Visit the children’s clothing aisles in your favorite department store, and you’ll quickly see how deeply obsessed we are with gender dichotomies. You can be either masculine or feminine, dolls or trucks, pink or blue. You can either be tough or you can be soft. You can either be objective or you can be emotional. You can either be devoted to family or devoted to career. Everything is either/or, rarely both/and.

This means that in order  to embody our cultural idea of masculinity, men have to give up any and all claims to traits or behaviors we label as “feminine.” This forces men to detach from the fullness of the human experience.

In order to change the ways we think about men–and help men change the ways they think about themselves–we have to be able to hold competing truths in our heads–You CAN be a total badass and total sweetie pie at the same time. We also have to stop looking at men who display hyper-masculine perspectives and behavior and calling them “typical.” They’re not. They are extreme examples. In order to change unfair expectations about who men can and should be, we have to focus on what’s really going on with men who live between the extremes.

In this episode, Dan talks to psychologist Dr. Ryan McKelley who helps shed some light on what is really going on in between the extremes and how men can tune in to the full range of their emotions to develop more self-discipline and make more meaningful connections.

Practical and Tactical

1. Tune out to tune it. Tune out the most extreme stories in your news feed about men behaving badly. Instead, start focusing on how average men live their day-to-day lives. Look for men who model who you want to be and how you want to behave.
2. When you find yourself out of control emotionally or responding impulsively during stressful conversations or events, hit the instant replay button. Slow down the event in your mind and try to understand the series of events that led up to your reaction. Analyze the play and try to come up with two or three alternatives you can use the next time similar feelings start to come up.
3. Take a small risk and make a deeper connection. Start with people in your life who you’ve known and trusted for a long time — a sibling, friend or partner.  Try to go a little deeper in the next conversation you have with them. Share a thought or feeling makes you feel vulnerable.

About Our Guest

Ryan A. McKelley, Ph.D. is a Licensed Psychologist, Associate Professor of Clinical/Counseling Psychology, and Department Chair at the University of Wisconsin-La Crosse. He earned a B.S. in Organizational Communication from Northwestern University, and a M.A. in Educational Psychology and Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the University of Texas at Austin. He regularly teaches courses on health psychology, behavior modification, abnormal psychology, group counseling, and men and masculinities. In addition to his teaching and research, Dr. McKelley has provided clinical services in a community mental health center, three university counseling centers, and a pain clinic. He currently provides contract clinical services in individual and group therapy, and clinical supervision. He’s been a weekly discussant on the internet radio show and iTunes podcast The Secret Lives of Men, and is President-Elect for the Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity, a division of the American Psychological Association.

Mentioned in This Episode

Dr. Ryan McKelley’s TEDx Talk

The post Tune Out to Tune In – Episode 52 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

For Jason MacKenzie, everything was going as planned. He had a great job, a beautiful wife, two kids, a nice house, and a nice car. So, how did he one day find himself, widowed, and drinking until he passed out (again) on his couch, while his heartbroken 9-year-old daughter played on the floor alone?  

On this episode of The Man Rules podcast, Jason explains how he radically changed his life by stepping outside of his alpha male persona and embracing his long-hidden emotionality, sensitivity, and creativity through vulnerability. You’ll learn more about his mission to help other men discover the power of emotion through his Mental Health Warriors project and hear his Practical and Tactical Tips for living a more authentic life. He and Dan also discuss the differences between the problematic use of alcohol and addiction, and paths available to recovery.

Practical and Tactical Tips

1. There is so much knowledge and wisdom to be gained through your emotions. Allow yourself to feel every single one. You don’t have to let them dictate your decisions in order to learn from them.
2. Be willing to share your story in order to help others. This doesn’t mean that you have no boundaries and share anything and everything and with anyone and everyone. It means that you recognize when someone is struggling, and offer to share your story if you think it will help them.
3. When you start to step into your emotions, you are going to create opportunities for yourself that you’ve never even imagined before. Learn to embrace those opportunities and to learn from disappointment and failure.

Bonus: If you’d like to talk to someone about what you’re going through right now, you can book a complimentary two-hour conversation with Jason at MentalHealthWarriors.com.

About Our Guest

Jason MacKenzie is an expert on peak human performance. His philosophy, experience, and methods are born from the laboratory of his own life and the lives of the people he serves. A father, published author, experienced speaker, and proven leader Jason is sharing the important life lessons he has learned from his harrowing personal journey. He is a survivor of his wife’s battle with bipolar disorder and subsequent suicide and has overcome a decade-long battle with alcohol. His goal is to equip every man with the tools to become a better father, leader, and human being. Find out more at MentalHealthWarriors.com

Mentioned on The Show

The Mental Health Warriors Podcast

Terry Real – “The impact of male socialization is disconnection.”

Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability

The post What’s Left When It All Falls Away – Episode 51 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Why are we afraid of giving “girl toys” to little boys? Why don’t we have those same fears about giving little girls “boy toys?” Delene van Dyke, a sexuality and gender diversity educator from South Africa, explains how all of that has to do with the way we tend to put everything into binary categories. This or that. Either this or that. Black or white. Boy or girl.  Gay or straight.

And what about the labels of “gay or straight?” Are those categories even as simple a label as they seem? For example, particular sexual behaviors, like receiving anal stimulation during sex have been identified as quintessential marks of male homosexuality. But many men who identify as straight also enjoy varying degrees of anal stimulation. Does that mean that they are secretly gay, or that human sexuality is more nuanced and complex than we’ve been led to believe? The problem, as she brilliantly has shown, is that we’ve conflated what really should be separate phenomena – gender, sexual identity, body parts, and sexual behavior.

This episode may help you understand more of the “whys” behind some of our society’s biggest social issues right now. And, as Delene says on the show, once you know the why, the how–particularly how to effect positive change–will often take care of itself. It’s usually when people step outside of their binary boxes that the magic happens.

Practical and Tactical Tips

1. When you wake up tomorrow morning start looking at how society makes differentiations between men and women. Just observe. Don’t try to make it a big thing—you will feel overwhelmed if you try to change into this person you’re not ready to be yet. But, if you begin to look for it, you will see it. Then when you’re ready, start to ask, what is the impact? What does it mean?
2. Start building more awareness around what you think and feel. Is it real? Is it true?
3. Find someone of the opposite gender who you are comfortable with. Start having heart-to-heart conversations with them about their experiences in the world. Listen without judgment or defenses, with a goal of understanding.

About Our Guest

Delene van Dyke is a nurse therapist and nurse educator by profession, with more than 20 years’ experience in the field of mental health, sexual health and education.She runs her own consultancy, 2nd Sight Consultants, focusing on training, development and mentorship of individuals and groups, to understand human sexuality, specifically sexual and gender diversity, better and integrating it with Sexual and Reproductive Health and Rights work. Her work includes the prevention of HIV and Gender-Based Violence, and consultation to various governments, NGOs and private institutions in Africa and internationally. At the World Association of Sexual Health Congress in Singapore, July 2015, the training modality, Binaries & Boxes (or Not!) was acknowledged as groundbreaking in understanding gender and sexual identity, diversity and fluidity. She also works as part of the multidisciplinary team in specialized sex-positive sexual health private practice, facilitating in increased understanding of sexual and gender diversity for clients and colleagues.

Mentioned in This Episode

Teen Vogue

Everyday Feminism

Rob Weiss

The Water

The post Beyond the Binary – Episode 50 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

In this episode of The Man Rules podcast, The Deep Dive Guys (Tim Walsh, Michael Dinneen, and Dan) talk about the ways in which they felt “different” as kids, the consequences, both internal and external, that they experienced for breaking The Man Rules, and the ways in which they are striving to change the rules and make things different for their kids.

What does it mean to be a “sensitive man” or a “tough girl?” How can we make sure that the gender-positive message we send our kids at home override the negative message they receive out in the world?

Mentioned in This Episode

Pictures of Tim’s Most Recent Outdoor Adventure

Anchorman, one our producer’s favorite movies of all time, which was only alluded to because none of the guys could remember its name, leaving said producer trapped in a glass case of outrage and emotion.  Insert video clip: https://youtu.be/5fmHCNfowbQ

About the Deep Dive Guys

For more information about Tim Walsh, check out his website timwalshconsulting.com. And, you can find Michael Dinneen on LinkedIn.

The post The Deep Dive Guys Do It Differently – Episode 49 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Most of us, men as well as women, feel confusion about sex and our sexuality, but this episode focuses solely on women’s particular struggles. Our guest Kit Maloney talks to Dan about the ways in which women are encouraged by our culture to disconnect from their bodies, to avoid exploring about their own sexual pleasure, and to look outwardly toward men and the media for cues on what they should and should not want sexually, rather than relying on her own inner values and desires.

So what can men do with this information? How can men—especially straight men—support women in this journey? Kit shares some great tips on how men can move beyond their own fears and insecurities about female pleasure, and support women in their journey to discover their authentic sexual selves.

Kit also offers women a special opportunity to take The Pleasure Pledge, in which they commit to exploring their own sexual pleasure, on their own terms, every day in February, capitalizing on a month that already celebrates love, romance, and healthy sexuality at its best.

Practical and Tactical Tips

1. Know that women’s masturbation and solo sex practice does not have anything to do with their masculinity. She’s not trying to replace you. She’s learning more about who she is and what works for her sexually, and as long as you’re supportive, is probably looking forward to sharing that newfound knowledge with you.

2. Honor how important it is for your partner to know her body and how to turn herself on. This takes a ton of pressure off of you and makes your own ability to turn her on that much more delightful.

3. When we truly honor women’s sexual pleasure, we release ourselves from so much confusion around consent.

About Our Guest

For the last two decades, Kit Murray Maloney has been an activist, academic, and entrepreneur committed to channelling her passion for gender equity into a celebration of women’s sexual pleasure. She’s earned a Masters degree in Gender and Social Policy from the London School of Economics; has been featured in Marie Claire and Glamour magazines, and is a regular contributor to The Huffington Post. She launched her multi-media site O’actually to create a more open dialogue around the existing taboo and yet the ultimate importance of women’s self-pleasure and to promote creative, beautiful, and HOT erotic works made by women for women. Because genuine female orgasms heal and better the world.

Mentioned In This Episode

O Actually
The Pleasure Pledge
A Billion Wicked Thoughts (book)

The post Eager to Please – Episode 48 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Why are so many of us confused about consent? The idea has come up a lot lately in the wake of the #metoo movement. And, discussions about it have intensified with reactions to the story about a sexual encounter a woman had with comedian Aziz Ansari. On news sites and Facebook feeds nationwide, people are asking, “Was that encounter assault, misconduct, or just a bad date?” “Is Aziz Ansari a good guy or bad guy?” “Is the woman who told the story a  victim or a liar?”

According to Mike Domritz—who has been teaching audiences far and wide about consent for years—these are the wrong questions to ask. He and Dan talk about what consent really means and what it doesn’t, and about what’s at stake when we’re too afraid to ask the right questions. Isn’t “consent” really the least we can do?  What if we built a culture of mutuality instead?  What if every person truly had the freedom to choose whether they wanted to engage sexually without guilt, pressure, coercion, or the specter of gendered cultural expectations?

Practical and Tactical Tips

1. Don’t think in terms of “good people versus bad people” when it comes to sexual misconduct. It allows us to disidentify and avoid having honest conversations about our own less-than-ideal behaviors.
2. Instead of framing allegations of sexual misconduct in the news with the question of,  “Was it assault/misconduct/harassment or not,” pause and ask yourself, “Does it sound like the sexual activity was equally wanted by all parties?
3. Take a look at yourself and determine that you’re only going to engage in sexual activity that is mutually-wanted by all partners. Nobody is immune to sexual pressures, but you can choose to say, “I will not let pressure make my decisions for me.”

About Our Guest

For over a decade, Mike Domitrz has been inspiring individuals with his hilarious sense of humor and his uncanny ability to draw hard-hitting emotion from audiences. Schools, organizations, military bases and more constantly rave about what a lasting impact he has with his audience. In addition to his speaking and writing, Mike Domitrz founded and is currently the Executive Director of The DATE SAFE Project. Through interactive presentations, creative educational resources, and unique national initiatives, The DATE SAFE Project is committed to being the nation’s leading organization for creating healthier dating environments, a clearer understanding of “consent” and for raising awareness on the many issues surrounding sexual assault.

Mentioned on the Show

The Date Safe Project

The Everyday Mindfulness podcast

“I’m a sexual consent educator. Here’s what’s missing from the Aziz Ansari conversation.” – Jaclyn Friedman, Vox.com

“Violence against women – it’s a men’s issue.” Jackson Katz, TEDTalk

“Everyone Deserves a Choice.” Mike Domritz on The Man Rules Podcast, Episode 8

The post Sexual Deliberation: Building a Culture of Mutuality – Episode 47 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Was 2017 the year of the woman? It certainly could be seen that way. We watched a presidential election cycle that featured the first female party nominee for president. We watched many women (and some men) come forward about their experiences with discrimination, harassment, sexual assault and abuse at the hands of some of our nation’s most prominent and powerful men. We’ve seen women pointing out injustices and fighting for gender equality from the streets of Washington, D.C. to the stage at the Golden Globes.

The times are changing for sure. And, while hardly anyone would argue that these changes aren’t positive, it’s also true that change almost always brings with it some level of fear and uncertainty. Even the most open-minded, conscientious, and equality-loving man may wonder where all of this leaves him, and to navigate relationships with women in both his personal and professional life going forward…well, it can be quite a bit overwhelming. And confusing.

In this episode, Dan and Andrea Sauceda, the Executive Producer of The Man Rules podcast talk about their own perceptions of the progress being made toward gender equality and how men and women can bridge the gap.  

Practical and Tactical Tips

1. Don’t be afraid of anger. It can be a signal that there’s a real injustice to reckon. But, don’t let the anger dictate your actions. Accept it, feel it, then pause and think about where the anger is coming from, and consciously decide on the best action to take.
2. Don’t be afraid of discomfort. We have to start having more real and honest conversations among men and women about our experiences and our perceptions of one another. That’s going to get weird sometimes. But, don’t avoid it, because if you do, you’ll miss any amazing opportunity to learn and grow. Practice sitting with discomfort by seeking out and following people and publications on social media that advocate for the opposite of your particular political views.
3. Don’t be afraid to speak up. (When and where it’s physically and emotionally safe for you to do so.)  The root of positive change is truth.

About Our Guest

Andrea Sauceda is a writer, marketing professional, amateur sociologist, and professional dork. Outside of her 9 to 5 day job, she helps Dan manage The Man Rules podcast, reads a lot, knits dishcloths, and worries too much about the downfalls of our society.

Mentioned In This Episode

Rebecca Traister on the coming #MeToo backlash

#MeToo Is Changing Minds

David Bowie and Rock ‘n’ Roll’s Statutory Rape Problem

Sarah Silverman Asks: ‘ Can You Love Someone Who Did Bad Things?’

Al Franken’s defiant, unapologetic resignation speech

Bill Clinton: A Reckoning

Harvey Weinstein scandal: a complete list of the 84 accusers

Eight women say Charlie Rose harassed them with nudity, groping and lewd calls

Rep. John Conyers, Jr. resigns over sexual harassment allegations after a half-century in Congress

I Asked Men’s Rights Activists and a Pick-Up Artist About The Weinstein Fallout

Lindy West On How Rape Joke Proponents Paved The Way For Trump

“For the master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house.” – Audre Lorde

Episode 41: Gender Jiu-Jitsu with Dr. Jamie Marich

The post Episode 46: One Step Back, Two Steps Forward appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Happy New Year! And welcome to the annual tradition of making resolutions without much resolve. This year, though, could really be your year. Instead of relying on willpower to achieve your goals, rely on a framework for positive change, like our guest Darcy Luoma’s Thoughtfully Fit®.

Through her years of experience, Darcy has learned that if you want strong relationships, effective teams, more internal peace, and greater success you need to work from the inside out. She calls this being Thoughtfully Fit and just like physical fitness, you need to work at it. Being Thoughtfully Fit can help you lead yourself, as well as your relationships with others, by improving your ability to communicate, and effectively handle conflict by acting mindfully and intentionally. It’s a great model for developing the kind of conscious masculinity we always talk about on the show, and for becoming the man you want to be in 2018 and beyond.

Also, if you’ve ever wondered about the difference between a therapist and life coach, Darcy and Dan offer an explanation and some tips on how to decide whether you need therapy or coaching. (Or both!)

For more information about the Thoughtfully Fit framework, check out Darcy Luoma’s blog.

Practical and Tactical Tips

              The Thoughtfully Fit Framework           

1. PAUSE. When you feel that you are on verge of reacting to something, create some space between feeling and action. (e.g. Don’t just ram through and hit send on that response to your co-worker’s nasty email.)
2. THINK. Ask yourself some thoughtful questions about what you want the outcome to be.
3. ACT based on the desired outcome.

About Our Guest

Darcy Luoma helps individuals, business leaders and teams develop and execute action plans, navigate conflict successfully, unlock their leadership potential, improve communication skills, and bring clarity to chaos is so rewarding. By posing powerful questions, providing specific tools and techniques, encouraging creativity, and breaking large goals into manageable steps, her clients achieve tremendous success, including promotions, higher performance, exceeding goals, and successfully navigating job and life transitions.

She has helped hundreds of people achieve tremendous success – personally and professionally. You can contact her through her website, www.darcyluoma.com.

Mentioned In This Episode

Brene Brown

Angela Duckworth

Martin Luther

The post Episode 45: Go Coach Yourself! appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Hurray for the holidays, a time of joy and wonder! You wonder why you put yourself through this shit every year and feel joy when it’s finally over. BAH HUMBUG.

Okay–so maybe it’s not that cut and dried. What most of us feel during the holidays could most likely be described as ambivalence. There is, of course, the stress, and anxiety, and resentment and grief, but there is also the awe and the laughter and feeling of connectedness and purpose that many of us get from gift-giving, meal-preparing, and spending time with family.

In this episode of The Man Rules podcast, The Deep Dive guys talk about their personal holiday trials and triumphs and share advice on how to use this time of year to recharge and connect with what matters most.

Practical & Tactical Tips

If the holidays tend to leave you feeling less than jolly, try some of these tips…

1. Look For Ways to Help: Instead of focusing on how uncomfortable you feel, how people are judging you, how they are mistreating you, think about how you might be able to help others. Is there someone at the gathering who is likely just as uncomfortable, if not more so, than you? Do what you can to make them feel more comfortable. Basically, you just want to look for something to focus on other than your agony.

2. Stick to Your Self-Care Routine: It may not be possible to stick to your routine exactly, especially if you’re traveling or have guests at your house, but if you exercise every day, don’t stop doing that during the holidays. If you pray or meditate every day, don’t stop doing that during that holidays. We often feel obligated to spend every moment with family members during holiday gatherings, but you will enjoy your time with them much more if you don’t allow yourself to get worn down.

3. Maintain Your Boundaries. If you know that certain people, certain settings, and/or certain types of holiday gatherings cause a lot of angst and discomfort for you, try to switch it up. Instead of gathering at Grandma’s house for an all-day eating, drinking, and arguing marathon, suggest that you all go out to a restaurant. Everyone is more likely to be on their best behavior in public and you can leave after a couple of hours.

4. Write: If you’re feeling upset or disconnected one day during the holidays, just sit down and write about how you’re feeling without judgment. Are there any memories from childhood that come up for you along with the feelings? Write about that too!

5. Find a Moment of Solitude: Take some time each day to pray, meditate, or just sit quietly by yourself for a few minutes—Maybe early in the morning before anyone wakes up, or at night after everyone has gone to bed.

6.  Slow Down and Be Aware: If you pay attention, you can feel an irrational reaction coming on in your body. Slow down enough to be aware of when you’re starting to feel overwhelmed with irritation, resentment, or anger. and take a detour. Call a friend, take a walk, get some space, breathe. It may help you avoid doing or saying things you will regret later.

Mentioned in This Episode

Animal House
Loaded Questions Game
The Meadows
John Bradshaw
Claudia Black

The post Episode 44: Your Presence is a Present appeared first on Dan Griffin.

“Things can be true on one level, and on another, not true at all. Wisdom is to know how to hear and see on different levels at the same time.”  – Richard Rohr

Let’s think about the typical life cycle of a public sexual misconduct allegation. The conversation that surrounds each accusation tends to center around what’s right and what’s wrong. We want–no, we need–clear answers. Was it a harmless joke? Or, was it a clear violation of sexual boundaries? Is it right to fire him over that? Is it wrong to suspect the victim may be exaggerating? Is going to “sex addiction treatment” just a way for the perpetrator to try to shirk responsibility for his actions? What if the perpetrator isn’t a man? What if the victim isn’t a woman?

Dr. Alexandra Katehakis returns to the show to help Dan finally and definitively answer all of these questions—JUST KIDDING! There, of course, are no definitive answers to these questions. That’s one of the many things that makes this gender-based cultural upheaval extremely confusing and sometimes painful. While at the extreme ends of the sexual misconduct spectrum, we can clearly label some people as criminals and others as victims, there’s a lot of room in between for varying degrees of nuance.

Though Alex and Dan don’t provide us with all the answers, they do make a convincing case for embracing the chaos in a way that forces us to be more honest with ourselves and with each other, and for seizing the opportunity to have these conversations in our homes, workplaces, churches, and schools, so that we can build a better future based on true gender equality. 

Resources

If you have questions about sexual disorders or want to get some some perspective on the current public conversations around gender and sexuality, you can call the Center for Healthy Sex at 310-843-3902.

Practical and Tactical

1. Keep conversations about sex and sexuality out of the workplace. When in doubt err on the side of caution— especially right now.
2. Talk to your sons about what it means to be male in this culture and how to behave appropriately. And, talk to your daughters about boundaries. Take these community conversations into churches, PTAs, and communities. Just the act of having a dialogue starts to stretch our minds.
3. Just try to be more conscientious as you walk through your days.

About Our Guest

Alex Katehakis is a licensed Marriage, Family Therapist, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist in Los Angeles. She has extensive experience in working with a full spectrum of sexuality from sexual addiction to sex therapy, and problems of sexual desire and sexual dysfunction for individuals and couples. Alex has successfully facilitated the recovery of many sexually addicted individuals and assisted couples in revitalizing their sex lives.

Dr. Katehakis is the Founder and Clinical Director of the Center for Healthy Sex in West Los Angeles, CA. She has lectured for the U.S. Journal Training Conference series, the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health, the UCLA Annual Attachment Conference, the Psychotherapy Networker Annual Conference, Women’s Association of Addiction Treatment, Mt. Sinai Medical School, AIDS Project LA, Eastern Group Psychotherapy Society, Phillips Graduate Institute and Pepperdine University. Dr. Katehakis earned her PhD from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in 2017.

Additionally, Alex appears as a regular guest sex expert every Friday on Dr. Drew Midday Live on KABC Talk Radio to discuss sex, addiction and sexuality. She has been a guest on several national radio programs and appeared on Voice America and WebMD, both live on-line Internet programs, as a sexual addiction expert. She is a regular guest blogger at Psychology Today, Huffington Post, PsychCentral and other websites. Alex teaches workshops on healthy sexuality in retreat settings and has been published in the Journal of Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity.

Mentioned in This Episode

The myth of the male bumbler

Last Man Standing

Tim Allen

Anthony Rapp

Terry Crews

Jay Z talks about going to therapy.

The post Episode 43: Dueling with Dualities appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Roy Moore. Harvey Weinstein. Bill Cosby. These are “bad guys,” right? They represent the extreme end of the sexual misconduct spectrum. Most men can easily say they don’t identify with any of these guys. They have never done the things these men have done and never would do the things these men have done. There are bad guys, and there are good guys, and they are good guys. They are not sexist. They have mothers! Sisters! Daughters! They would never mistreat women, or speak about them in a demeaning way—End of story. Open and shut case.

But… We all live in The Water. And if we really want things to change for the better for both women and men, we have to take a closer look. In this bonus episode, Dan talks about what sexism really looks like in our day-to-day lives, and explains why men need to reckon with their privilege without getting bogged down in feelings of shame and disempowerment.

Practical & Tactical

1. When someone is talking about their experiences as a woman, person of color, gay person, queer person, transgender person, etc., and your first thought is, “That doesn’t even make sense! That’s not the way I see things!” Pause. Turn any impulse to become defensive into curiosity. Instead of stating all the ways that you disagree with their perspective, ask questions that may help you better understand their perspective.

2. Listen. Listen with full attention, full consciousness, and full humanity.

3. When it is your turn to share your perspective, speak with caveats in order to create a space for you and other to talk about differences without animosity. Mandy Smith, writing for Missio Alliance, offers this excellent advice:

“Beginning with ‘I’d love to hear your perspective on this: I’m thinking…’ or ‘I may be wrong, but…’ creates space for the experience of others. It acknowledges your own subjectivity and invites conversation, trusting that the goal is for us to discover the way forward together. I know that in the white, male world, these kinds of caveats communicate insecurity. To women they communicate humility and invitation. Even if you feel pretty confident in your own opinion, it may be helpful to choose this kind of language for the sake of making space for difference.”

Mentioned in This Episode

Episode 1: How’s the Water? 

Roy Moore
Harvey Weinstein
Donald Trump

About Dan

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity.

Dan’s work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. Griffin’s book, A Man’s Way through Relationships, is the first book written specifically to help men create healthy relationships while navigating the challenges of the “Man Rules,” those ideas men internalize at very young ages about how to be real boys and men. In 2015, Dan was honored to be named a Senior Fellow at the world-renowned leader for treating addiction and trauma, The Meadows.

Griffin’s professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. He is also the author of A Man’s Way through the Twelve Steps, the first trauma-informed book to take a holistic look at men’s sobriety. He co-authored Helping Men Recover, the first comprehensive gender-responsive and trauma-informed curriculum for addiction and mental health professionals. Griffin earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous.

The post Bonus Episode: But I’m Not Sexist appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Cheryl Sharp is an expert on trauma and resilience and a lifelong sailor. So, she knows a thing or two about dealing with rough waters, literally and figuratively. In this episode, she and Dan talk about the stunning cultural tsunami of the #MeToo movement and how it seems to be leveling and rearranging the ways in which men and women are expected to interact with one another. “The Water“–which Dan explains in the very first episode of this podcast–can destroy us, but it can also wash us clean.

If you’re a man who’s hesitant to listen to this one because you’re afraid you’ll hear only more arguments about how men are to blame, take heart. Cheryl has a great deal of empathy for men and the pain in them that often leads to inappropriate behavior. This doesn’t mean that she excuses the behavior–not at all. But, she does believe that the way forward is creating spaces where both women and men can speak openly and honestly about their feelings and their struggles.

Practical & Tactical

1. Know your history. Understand how we got here.
2. Don’t engage in a conversation about this unless you are coming from a place of inquiry. We need to always provide more questions to conversations than answers.
3. In your own personal relationships, try to stay centered. When you feel triggered, use it as an opportunity for you to step back and give yourself a little space so you can figure out where that pain is coming from.
4. Bonus!! Do your work. If #MeToo stories make you feel emotional, whether that’s sad or angry or defensive,  it’s an invitation for you to do some healing. If you stop at feeling angry, the anger will defeat you. #MeToo is a powerful invitation for all of us, no matter where you are on the gender spectrum, to change, grow and heal emotionally and spiritually.

About Our Guest

Cheryl S. Sharp, MSW, ALWF is an Exclusive Consultant to the National Council for Behavioral Health Trauma-Informed Services and Suicide Prevention Efforts.  As part of the trauma-informed care (TIC) team, Cheryl works nationally to facilitate TIC Learning Communities and is a content expert on trauma, resilience and TIC implementation.  Her role as Exclusive Consultant for Suicide Prevention is to work nationally with National Council partners engaged in moving the needle on preventing suicide.  

Cheryl is a person in long-term recovery from mental health and addiction challenges.  She is a nine-time suicide attempt survivor who believes that understanding what happened to people changes the conversation from what is wrong with them.  Sharp has worked with adult trauma survivors for over 30 years and is passionate about the fact that people can and do recover and go on to live happy, healthy and productive lives.

Prior to becoming an exclusive consultant for the National Council, Cheryl started and led all of the National Council’s trauma-informed initiatives.  She led On Our Own of Maryland’s Statewide Consumer Networks as the WRAP Outreach Coordinator and was the Executive Director of the STAR Process located in Arizona as well as serving on their Board of Directors.  Sharp received her BA in Psychology and a BA in Women’s Studies, followed by her Master’s Degree in Social Work from East Carolina University in North Carolina. She has done hospice social work which is also one of her ongoing passions.

Mentioned in This Episode

When Everything Changed by Gail Collins

“The Unexamined Brutality of the Male Libido” by Stephen Marche

bell hooks on the Roots of Male Violence Against Women, The New Yorker Radio Hour

The post Episode 42: Men Overboard, Cheryl Sharp on Navigating the #MeToo Sea Change appeared first on Dan Griffin.