Men are four times more likely to die by suicide than women, and their depression is more likely to manifest as anger and violence. As this week’s guest, Terry Real, puts it men either feel that they are failing the agenda or that the agenda is failing them.  The Man Rules may be limiting in many, many ways, but for a while, they at least provided solid ground for men to stand on. Lately, that ground has begun to crumble beneath their feet.

Men today are awash in intense conflicting messages about what it means to be a man. And, they are finding that the things that they once took for granted as the rewards for following The Man Rules–the right job, financial security, sex, marriage, family–are not as easily guaranteed as they’d been taught.

This episode will help you understand how depression shows up differently in men and will give you some practical advice on how to recognize and address the symptoms in yourself and others. While it’s true that these changes will likely lead to more opportunities for both men and women in the future, it’s important to make sure that we don’t lose too many men in the shuffle.

The post Why Aren’t I Happy? Men and Depression appeared first on Dan Griffin.

If you want to change old patterns of thought and behavior—like choosing more consciously how The Man Rules fit into your life—you’re going to need to broaden your perspective and gain some personal insight. There’s no better way to do that than reading. I know, I know… No one has time for that these days. Not in a world of smart phones and Netflix. But, if you’re serious about developing a practice that will lead you toward a more conscious masculinity, I strongly encourage to add reading to your repertoire–even if it’s only a page or two a day.

Each month I’ll be sharing three books that have helped me along the way…here are the books for the Month of May, our special 1 year anniversary celebration list. If you or someone you know struggles with depression or anger issues or overall relationship challenges (uh, who wouldn’t be in that camp?) then check out these books.

I Don’t Want to Talk About

by Terry Real

Depression is a very insidious disease. For the longest time it was really thought to be an issue mostly for women. Men didn’t even come forward about it. Even those men who did find themselves getting help didn’t get the right help because the majority of the therapists and “helpers” didn’t understand what male depression looks like. Until Terry wrote this groundbreaking book. With men’s suicide rates at all-time high, the increasing pressure for men to be relational and connect, and our even increasing focus on mental health, in general, in this country male depression is not going away. It continues to be missed by men, their loved ones, and professionals working with men and couples. If you have questions about depression, are concerned about yourself or a loved one, check out this book and get a better understanding of what depression can look like in men and the best ways to treat it.

The Anger Solution

by John Lee

If you are familiar with my work then you have probably heard me talk about the anger funnel. The idea that men learn to take all of the feelings that are not okay to share or even experience – fear, sadness, insecurity, shame, hurt, etc – and place in a funnel where they come out as some form of anger. Understanding what feelings are underneath the anger is an essential part of men’s healing and building true intimacy in any relationship. But what is the difference between anger and rage? Is anger really the issue?

If you struggle with anger in any way – and chances are it may be more rage that you struggle with – this book and all of John Lee’s work could be very helpful. As someone who has been brought to his knees many times over the years by rage, trauma, and shame I am learning the power of having a healthy relationship to anger. If anyone has ever given you feedback about being angry, mean, or an asshole check out this book and John’s work.

Love Secrets Revealed

by Dr. Allen Berger

I love Allen and his work. He has a wonderful way of communicating complicated ideas. There are a lot of books out there on relationships and intimacy and how to improve them. A lot of them are crap, if you ask me. This is a really good one but I am biased. Read it for yourself and see what you think.

Tell me About Your Favorite Books

Do you have some favorite books that have changed the way you think about men and relationships? Email your recommendations to [email protected] or tweet it @authordgriffin or reach out on Facebook.

The post RecomMENded Reading – May appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Men are four times more likely to die by suicide than women, and their depression is more likely to manifest as anger and violence. As this week’s guest, Terry Real, puts it men either feel that they are failing the agenda or that the agenda is failing them.

Men today are awash in intense conflicting messages about what it means to be a man. And, they are finding that the things that they once took for granted as the rewards for following The Man Rules–the right job, financial security, sex, marriage, family–are not as easily guaranteed as they’d been taught.

There’s a lot for men to be depressed about these days. The Man Rules may be limiting in many, many ways, but for a while, they at least provided solid ground for men to stand on. Lately, that ground has begun to crumble beneath their feet.

The challenge is that men don’t necessarily know that they are depressed. In fact, it can be quite easy for them to miss it. So how can we help them see it? What can their partners do?

This episode will help you understand how depression shows up differently in men and give you some practical advice on how to recognize and address the symptoms in yourself and others. While it’s true that these changes will likely lead to more opportunities for both men and women in the future, it’s important to make sure that we don’t lose too many men in the shuffle.

Practical and Tactical

1. Depression in men often hides behind anger, addiction, and other forms of acting out. Address those behaviors first. Once you do, the underlying depression will come to the surface and can be addressed.
2. Empower the spouses of depressed men to stand up to them and guide them toward getting help.
3. The root of male depression is disconnection. Reconnecting with your own vulnerability is an important step toward reconnecting.

About Our Guest

Terry Real is a family therapist and author who focuses on men’s issues and couples therapy. After struggling to overcome his own issues with depression, he published the book I Don’t Want to Talk About It, which addresses the unique ways men cope with depression. The book, which became a bestseller, led Real to realize the importance of addressing this issue on a larger scale. In 2002, he founded the Relational Recovery Institute, which aims to offer healing and wholeness to men through their own resources, with the support and engagement of the parents and partners in their lives.

Real serves as a faculty member at the Family Institute of Cambridge, in Massachusetts, and he is the former director of the Gender Relations Program at the Meadows Institute in Arizona. Real maintains a private practice in Massachusetts and continues to present lectures on relationship issues and to teach men how to achieve a fully rewarding and satisfying life.

Real has been recognized by his peers as a pioneer in bringing to light the often understated and hidden psychological issues that face men in and out of relationships. He has been featured on national television programs and has had his work with male clients made into a documentary titled All Men Are Sons.

Mentioned in This Episode

Terry Real’s website

Relational Life Therapy Training

I Don’t Want to Talk About It (Book)

Michael Kimmel

Angry White Men (Book)

Erik Erikson

The post Why Aren’t I Happy? Men and Depression appeared first on Dan Griffin.

The Man Rules do not prepare men to navigate the rocky emotional terrain of their day-to-day lives. So, what happens when childhood sexual abuse and emotional abuse make that terrain much, much rockier than average?

In most cases, it leads to men suffering in silence from profound depression, crippling anxiety, rage, addiction, and behaviors that are destructive to themselves and others. Larry Ruhl, our guest this week, was on such a path until his caring partner encouraged him to get help. His father began sexually abusing him at age 4, and he was constantly subjected to his narcissistic mother’s verbal abuse, manipulation, and violent rages. Teased and berated for not being man enough; seduced and abused for his sensitivity and vulnerability.

He shares his story with Dan and proves that no matter how men have suffered, or how limited they’ve been by The Man Rules, there is hope and there is a better way forward.

Larry’s story is the first to be featured in our new series of Deep Dive episodes, where we ask one man to share about his struggles in learning to live authentically in spite of The Man Rules. If you can identify with any of this story please find someone with whom you can talk and consider getting help and support. You deserve peace and you don’t have to suffer alone.

Practical and Tactical

1. Allow yourself to indulge in a creative activity without judgment. Find a creative outlet that allows you to express a part of yourself that you don’t let other people see.
2. Challenge yourself to get unstuck. Identify something you over and over that causes you and others pain, hold you back living the kind of life you want to live, or just irritates you in some way. Find a path to get unstuck that works for you. Could be therapy, support groups, developing deeper friendships and connections, speaking out, etc. 
3. Men, as we know, are expected to be the provider, the tough guy, the Sex God, etc.—Find some way to shed all of that crap and do something that’s just for you.

About Our Guest

Larry Ruhl is the author of Breaking the Ruhls, a memoir about recovering from childhood sexual abuse and complex trauma. He is a registered speaker with the RAINN network (Rape Abuse Incest National Network). He previously served as a board member at Male Survivor. He also spoke at colleges and retreats to increase awareness of sexual abuse against men and boys. Today he shares his story publicly to spread awareness and to help others shed the shame and stigma associated with sexual abuse. He graduated from the Fashion Institute of Technology (FIT), with a degree in Display & Exhibit Design.

Mentioned in This Episode

Breaking the Rules (Larry’s Memoir)

Larry on Twitter and Facebook

Little Boxes (Song by Malvina Reynolds)

The post Breaking the Ruhls (and The Rules) appeared first on Dan Griffin.