American philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson said that true success is “… to appreciate the beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better…”

Clearly, that guy never had two kids and a mortgage.

In this episode, Dan and Allen talk about the Man Rule that often drives many of men’s decisions about their work and personal lives–The Success Rule. Success for men is often defined by having a lot of money, having a prestigious job title, and having the most sex with the hottest women. Sadly, it can lead to men choosing careers they aren’t really interested in and choosing relationships based in status-seeking, rather than the desire for a real, intimate partnership.

Dan and Allen encourage men to take a look at their own definitions of success and to ask themselves if it’s really their own definition or one that they’ve just absorbed through The Water.

The post What Men Would Tell You…About Success appeared first on Dan Griffin.

“99” by Steve Bowbrick is licensed under CC by 2.0

Is “keeping it 100” a thing people still say these days? Many eons ago, back in 2015, it meant “to be you, be honest, be true to yourself and the people you love, be unapologetic but respectful at the same time.” In other words, it has pretty much been the goal of The Man Rules podcast from the beginning. We wanted to create a space, figuratively speaking, where men could show up and have open and honest conversations about who they were and who they were becoming as they began to become more aware of The Man Rules and break free from them.

So, here on the eve of the 100th episode, Dan and Andrea talk about what they’ve learned from the first two years of making The Man Rules podcast, and what they hope the show may become.

Please email us at [email protected], and let us know where you think the show should go in 2019 and beyond. We’d love to hear your ideas on guests, topics, and/or just your general opinions about the ideas expressed in each episode. You can also find us on Twitter and Facebook, of course.

The post Keeping it 100 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

We all have a story about what it means to be a man. What we aim to do on The Man Rules podcast is to help each other figure out how we can be the authors of our stories. We don’t want to just mindlessly step into a role that was written for us, centuries ago, based on the needs and values of a world that no longer exists.

Is there any man on Earth, who embodies this struggle more than Santa?

In this episode, Kris Kringle (a.k.a. Santa Claus) sits down with Dan to talk about the darker side of being Santa. Though he considers it an honor to be the world’s ultimate provider, the pressure to always show up as the man we expect to see definitely takes its toll. He talks about his 631-year marriage to Janet, how he let go of perfectionism and shame, his ongoing struggles with body image, and his reckoning with his own mortality.

He also shares some exclusive, never-before-heard secrets of how the Christmas magic really happens.

You REALLY won’t want to skip this one.

The post Santa Gets Real appeared first on Dan Griffin.

The post I Object(ify)! appeared first on Dan Griffin.

In The Man Rules Deep Dive episodes, Dan talks to one man about his particular experiences coming to terms with some facet of his identity as a man. This month, our Deep Dive guest is Chris Cole, author, life coach, and host of the Waking Up Bipolar podcast.

Chris talks about his efforts to form a healthy identity as a man who doesn’t necessarily fit society’s definition of “normal.” He first encountered this struggle as a young boy, when it became clear to him that his preference for playing house with girls and his tendencies to be sensitive and highly attuned to the emotions of others did not fit within the realm of things that were okay for boys. His confusion around what was expected of him as a man and lack of ability to confide in anyone in his life eventually contributed to body image issues, disordered eating, and a substance use disorder.

Chris talks with Dan about how what he’s learned from his journey has helped to make him a better father, partner, and friend, and how he strives to help others through his work.

Practical & Tactical Tips

1. As men, it’s important to practice and model full and complete apologies. If you do something that hurts someone,  fully own it, and say, “I’m sorry I did this.” Part of what many people experience as toxic masculinity can be boiled down to an inability and/or unwillingness to apologize.
2. Learn to meditate. Learn to practice mindfulness no matter what that looks like based on your own spiritual or religious beliefs.
3. Self-disclose your emotions to your male friends. Find ways to do it. The majority of men in this country don’t have one man in their life with whom they can talk to about anything other than sports, weather, and politics. Taking that risk with just one other person can greatly help reduce feelings of isolation.  

About Our Guest

In addition to his life coaching services, Chris Cole has written a memoir about his own recovery journey. titled The Body of Chris: A Memoir of Obsession, Addiction, and Madness. It was an Amazon #1 bestseller for bipolar disorder, named a two-time Finalist in both Spirituality and Religious Non-Fiction for the 2016 Next Generation Indie Book Awards, and has received praise from transpersonal and clinical psychologists alike.  His most recent project, the Waking Up Bipolar podcast, is a collaborative effort focused on the intersection of bipolar disorder and spiritual awakening. He believes that mental health challenges have the potential to mark our lives in beautiful and poignant ways. To find out more visit colecoaching.com.

The post Waking Up: A Deep Dive with Chris Cole appeared first on Dan Griffin.

If you were asked what it means to be a good man, what would you say? What if you were asked what it means to be a real man? The contradictions between the answers to those two questions drive much of the confusion that men find themselves in today, according to sociologist and leading expert on masculinity, Dr. Michael Kimmel.

Most people will say that a good man respects women, is a leader, is courageous, and helps others. Then they’ll say that a real man doesn’t show emotion, is all-powerful, always wins whatever the cost, isn’t gay, and doesn’t act like a girl. So, is it ever possible to be both a good man and real man at the same time? If The Man Rules say we can’t be vulnerable and the only way to break out of the constricting pain of the Man Box is to find vulnerability – what is a man supposed to do? There is no easy answer but it has to start with men finding communities of other men with whom they can share their truth.

Dr. Kimmel says we need to take our lead from the work that women have been doing for years. He unapologetically is a feminist who believes that men’s studies needed to grow out of women’s studies if it was going to accurately understand how patriarchy HURTS and HELPS men. What is clear is that men are not the problem, per se. The real problem is that there is a longstanding system in place that benefits men (particularly white men) and has for centuries. As that system crumbles, many men feel like they have been cheated and are looking for someone to blame. Some are enraged. Some are apathetic. Lately, Kimmel has been particularly focused on helping younger men better understand, cope with, and even thrive in the changing terrain of masculinity in the 21st century.

After almost four decades of studying masculinity, Dr. Kimmel is hopeful. The conversation is just beginning and men, slowly but surely are finally being given the opportunity to make being a “real man” and a “good man” one in the same.

Practical & Tactical

1. STFU – LISTEN to women. Stop being defensive or dismissive and, in this historic moment, help create a space for women’s pain and truth to truly be heard.
2. Challenge other men’s behavior in a way that enables them to really hear you. You don’t have to shame them. Sometimes all you have to do is ask them why–Why did you say that? What do you mean by that? Etc. 
3. Challenge men and support them. The two go hand in hand.

Mentioned in the episode:

Angry White Men

Healing from Hate

Dove Men Commercials

Volkswagon Commercials

Roseanne

The post The Good Man vs. The Real Man appeared first on Dan Griffin.

If you want to change old patterns of thought and behavior—like choosing more consciously how The Man Rules fit into your life—you’re going to need to broaden your perspective and gain some personal insight. There’s no better way to do that than reading. I know, I know… No one has time for that these days. Not in a world of smart phones and Netflix. But, if you’re serious about developing a practice that will lead you toward a more conscious masculinity, I strongly encourage to add reading to your repertoire–even if it’s only a page or two a day.

Each month I’ll be sharing three books that have helped me along the way…

Unspoken Legacy

by Claudia Black

It took me a long time, but when I finally started to acknowledge and come to terms with the emotional trauma I experienced growing up, I started on a path to better relationships and a more fulfilling life. Dr. Claudia Black’s work has served as a guidepost for me throughout that process. Her latest book is a wonderful exploration of systemic impact trauma has on families and how it is unwittingly passed down from generation to generation.

If you’re a man who wants to better understand why you struggle in your own life and relationships and begin the process of real and lasting change, this book may be the roadmap you need.

Stop Hurting the Woman You Love: Breaking the Cycle of Abusive Behavior

by Charlie Donaldson, Randy Flood, and Elaine Eldridge

It’s rare to find a book for men who act out aggressively and violently that offers a degree of compassion without abdicating personal responsibility. This is one of those rare books. The book helps men process and overcome their shame, understand the reasons for their behavior and own their responsibility in stopping the behavior. In particular, Randy Flood and his co-authors emphasize the need for men to develop their own core practice of empathy because you can’t continue abusive behavior and practice empathy at the same time.

The Last Flower

by James Thurber

This short cartoon by James Thurber, famed author, and contributor to The New Yorker, is a powerful parable about humankind’s inability to learn from its past mistakes. On the macro level, it’s about war; it was published in 1939, two months before WWII began. But, on a micro level, it’s about every person who’s at war with themselves. It reminds us to learn the necessary lessons to end the cycle of our own unnecessary suffering and self-destruction.

Tell me About Your Favorite Books

Do you have some favorite books that have changed the way you think about men and relationships? Email your recommendations to [email protected] or tweet it @authordgriffin or reach out on Facebook.

The post RecomMENded Reading – April appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Jess Pettitt is, among other things, a diversity educator.

Did you just roll your eyes at that? Did you shudder at the memory of a terrible corporate diversity training you we forced to attend in the past? Did you recall a particularly hilarious episode of The Office where they brilliantly spoofed diversity trainings? Did you feel annoyed at the idea of giving the PC Police yet another platform and frustrated by the fact that you can’t say anything to anyone anymore without offending them?

Then, you’re definitely going to want to listen to this show.

Jess and Dan shine a light on how the fear of getting it wrong—  whether “it” is breaking one of The Man Rules or saying the wrong thing at the wrong time to your female co-worker— prevents us from learning from one another, developing meaningful connections, and advocating for positive changes. And this is not a one-sided conversation. This is no liberals-are-awesome-and-conservatives-suck kind of deal. It is about learning how to listen to everyone.

Jess also shares some great practical tips for doing the best you can with what you have some of the time, instead of striving for perfection or opting out due to pressure and frustration.  

Practical and Tactical

1. You can’t get mad at someone for acting the way that you expected them to act. If someone behaves in a way that you expected them to, and you get mad about it, work on reacting in a different way.
2. You can get mad at yourself for how you act. Be aware of how you show up in interactions with the people around you, and take responsibility for any negative reactions, whether you intended to cause offense or not.
3. It’s important to take responsibility, but at the same time, give yourself a bit of a break. The way you were likely taught to perform masculinity doesn’t leave much room for you to forgive yourself or take care of your emotional needs. So give yourself permission to do exactly that.

About Our Guest

Audiences are inspired to stand up and take action as Jessica Pettitt leads them down the path to understanding they are good enough to make the changes they seek. Challenging long-held assumptions about the type of people who drive change and are successful, Jessica eradicates excuses and provides strategies to communicate openly and actively seek success. As a professional speaker, her expertise earned her the Certified Speaking Professional designation from the National Speakers Association. A designation held by fewer than 800 people worldwide. As a facilitator, she provides the framework for open, welcoming, and productive conversation. Whether she provides a motivational keynote, an in-depth workshop, facilitates group interaction, or frames an entire conference as emcee, Jessica brings humor, a high-level understanding of adult learning, and an ability to engage participants and encourage them to engage with each other. Participants walk away focused and confident in their role to make change now.

Mentioned in This Episode

Good Enough Now

Fassinger’s Identity Model

Jess’s TEDx Talk – The Day Everything Changed

Roger’s Innovation Adoption Curve

Harry Potter

The post Turn Your Fears Into Actions – Episode 59 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Justin Baldoni:

Why I’m done trying to be “man enough”

Actor Justin Baldoni knows a thing or two about following a script, both onstage and off. As a kid, he found himself struggling to fit in with the other boys at school and was angry at his “unmanly” father for not being the type of guy who was into the usual “guy stuff.” As he became a young adult he was even a bit complicit in reinforcing negative male stereotypes through his work as an actor and model. Now, as a husband and father himself, he’s stepped up to be a game-changer for his generation, by proving to men and boys that it’s okay to just be themselves.

Tony Porter:

A call to men

‘There are many wonderful things about being a man… but there’s some stuff that’s just straight up twisted.” And as he demonstrates in his talk the twisted stuff can sometimes lead a man to compromise his own values, and his own humanity, before he risks violating any of The Man Rules. Tony makes a passionate argument for helping men break out of the man box and changing the way we raise our sons and daughters.

Jackson Katz:

Violence against women—it’s a men’s issue

The central argument of Jackson Katz’s talk is only one of the remarkable things about it. He also manages to deliver this message in a way that demonstrates how it’s possible to show up in a way that is both “masculine” and vulnerable. His voice is strong, but it shakes a little, he is unhalting in his assertions but often pauses mid-sentence, there’s a “tough love” quality to his tone, but at times he seems nearly moved to tears. It all adds up to a very powerful 18 minutes, and an irresistible call to action. But, I do have one reservation: he focuses only on the need for “good” people to intervene when they witness abusive behavior. It doesn’t mention the need to provide resources for the men who offend to help them stop the abusive behavior. But, none of that detracts from the power and importance of his overall message.

What are some of your favorite TED Talks for men?

The post Three TED Talks That Are Changing The Meaning of “Man Up” appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Stories of violence continue to appear daily on our screens and we continue to wonder why. Is it the guns? Is it mental health? Is it video games? Is it Trump?

Is it men? All but two of the mass shootings in the history of this country have been perpetrated by men or even adolescent boys.

Maybe, says our guest Randy Flood. Though male socialization isn’t the only cause of male-perpetrated violence, it’s impossible to deny that it plays a role. Most men learn early on to disconnect from emotion—theirs and everyone else’s.“Suck it up” and “man up” culture has left many men without the ability to acknowledge their own pain and struggles. And, if you can’t even empathize with yourself, how can you ever really empathize with anyone else?

In short, men are left with no tools for dealing with things like fear, shame, rejection, loneliness, and anger. As a result, many act out aggressively, and sometimes violently – because those are the few tools many men are allowed to use to deal with the overwhelming emotional pain and suffering in their lives.

In this episode, Dan and Randy talk about how helping men gain emotional literacy and develop empathy can lead to a reduction in domestic violence and other violent crimes.

Practical & Tactical

1. Read a book that will challenge you to look at masculinity in a new way. Allow it to push you past your edges a bit.
2. Begin taking risks with vulnerability—Be wise about where you take those risks, of course. Make sure it’s with a trusted friend, family member or professional. But, give it a shot.
3. Recognize our history of patriarchy, be a good listener, work to be more empathetic, and, remember, that we are all in this together.

About Our Guest

Randy Flood, MA LLP is a therapist with the Fountain Hill Center, co-founder and director of the Men’s Resource Center and the Center for the Prevention and Treatment of Mascupathy. Flood has spent the last twenty years creating and developing specialized clinical services for men. Often called upon as an expert witness for district and circuit courts, Flood provides trainings on problems such as bullying, domestic violence, sexual addiction, and men in counseling. He also serves as a therapist and expert relating to parenting time and custody issues.

Flood’s first book, Stop Hurting the Woman You Love: Breaking the Cycle of Abusive Behavior, (Hazelden, 2006), co-authored with Charlie Donaldson, is widely considered one of the leading anger management books for men. He writes for several online and print publications and is a contributing writer to the Michigan Bar Journal and Voice Male magazine. Flood has consulted with national media such as the Christian Science Monitor and Minneapolis Sun Times on issues ranging from domestic violence to mass shootings. His expertise has also been featured on radio, television, podcasts, and in regional and state publications.

Mentioned In This Episode

Men’s Resource Center of West Michigan

Stop Hurting the Woman You Love

Mascupathy: Understanding and Healing the Malaise of American Manhood

Fight Club

I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression

Jackson Katz

Voice Male magazine

Intersectionality

The post Empathy is the Enemy of Violence – Episode 58 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

As men, we often define ourselves by degrees of career success. It’s not enough to produce good work–you have to produce the best work. It’s not enough to provide a modest, but comfortable living for yourself and/or your family–you have to provide enough for the bigger houses, the best neighborhoods, the best schools. It’s not enough to have published a couple of books that you’re proud of–maybe they could have been New York Times bestsellers if you’d have worked harder. Whether your job is in a business setting, or inside your home as the caretaker for your family, it’s not enough to just be present and try to contribute to the whole in a way that’s authentic and meaningful to you–if you aren’t making tons of money or getting tons of recognition for it, haven’t you failed somehow?

In this very special solo episode of the podcast, Dan says, “Nope” and “Fuck you.” JUST KIDDING. Instead, he speaks very sincerely about his own struggles with having enough and being enough. And, about his own uncertainty as to whether his drive for greater and greater success in the field of men’s health and recovery over the past decade was really born of his own true passions, or from an unconscious acceptance of The Man Rule that told him what kind of success he should want.

We’d love to hear your own stories about this struggle, which we know is a common one for so many people. Hop over to our brand-new, closed Facebook group, to talk about it with other like-minded men and women.

The post When Your Dream Is Not Your Dream – Episode 53 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Visit the children’s clothing aisles in your favorite department store, and you’ll quickly see how deeply obsessed we are with gender dichotomies. You can be either masculine or feminine, dolls or trucks, pink or blue. You can either be tough or you can be soft. You can either be objective or you can be emotional. You can either be devoted to family or devoted to career. Everything is either/or, rarely both/and.

This means that in order  to embody our cultural idea of masculinity, men have to give up any and all claims to traits or behaviors we label as “feminine.” This forces men to detach from the fullness of the human experience.

In order to change the ways we think about men–and help men change the ways they think about themselves–we have to be able to hold competing truths in our heads–You CAN be a total badass and total sweetie pie at the same time. We also have to stop looking at men who display hyper-masculine perspectives and behavior and calling them “typical.” They’re not. They are extreme examples. In order to change unfair expectations about who men can and should be, we have to focus on what’s really going on with men who live between the extremes.

In this episode, Dan talks to psychologist Dr. Ryan McKelley who helps shed some light on what is really going on in between the extremes and how men can tune in to the full range of their emotions to develop more self-discipline and make more meaningful connections.

Practical and Tactical

1. Tune out to tune it. Tune out the most extreme stories in your news feed about men behaving badly. Instead, start focusing on how average men live their day-to-day lives. Look for men who model who you want to be and how you want to behave.
2. When you find yourself out of control emotionally or responding impulsively during stressful conversations or events, hit the instant replay button. Slow down the event in your mind and try to understand the series of events that led up to your reaction. Analyze the play and try to come up with two or three alternatives you can use the next time similar feelings start to come up.
3. Take a small risk and make a deeper connection. Start with people in your life who you’ve known and trusted for a long time — a sibling, friend or partner.  Try to go a little deeper in the next conversation you have with them. Share a thought or feeling makes you feel vulnerable.

About Our Guest

Ryan A. McKelley, Ph.D. is a Licensed Psychologist, Associate Professor of Clinical/Counseling Psychology, and Department Chair at the University of Wisconsin-La Crosse. He earned a B.S. in Organizational Communication from Northwestern University, and a M.A. in Educational Psychology and Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the University of Texas at Austin. He regularly teaches courses on health psychology, behavior modification, abnormal psychology, group counseling, and men and masculinities. In addition to his teaching and research, Dr. McKelley has provided clinical services in a community mental health center, three university counseling centers, and a pain clinic. He currently provides contract clinical services in individual and group therapy, and clinical supervision. He’s been a weekly discussant on the internet radio show and iTunes podcast The Secret Lives of Men, and is President-Elect for the Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity, a division of the American Psychological Association.

Mentioned in This Episode

Dr. Ryan McKelley’s TEDx Talk

The post Tune Out to Tune In – Episode 52 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

John Mayer‘s song “Daughters” — while only slightly less cheesy than “Your Body Is A Wonderland” — hits upon a very real pressure that fathers of daughters around the world continue to face.

Almost every second of parenthood is spent shaping the life, perspective, and future of our children. And for dads with daughters in particular, the responsibility can seem overwhelming at times.

Staying present and living authentically goes a long way towards modeling good emotional behavior for our children. But what else can you do to have a positive impact on your daughter’s growth and well-being?

In this week’s episode of The Man Rules podcast, host Dan Griffin and Tim Walsh of The Deep Dive Guys talk with guest Cody Gardener about their own experiences raising daughters, and strategies for other dads exploring the possibilities and challenges of such a role.

If you’re a dad of a daughter yourself, check out these tips – equally applicable to parents of any kind of kid.

Practical & Tactical Tips

1. Develop a parenting philosophy that both you and your partner agree on. Starting from the same page will make you stronger.

2. Let go of any need to do it perfectly. Focus on doing it consciously, and you’ll be amazed at the results.

3. Connect on her level. Remember to crouch or kneel down and look at your daughter eye-to-eye when you’re disciplining her or simply want to connect. The extra effort makes a huge difference.

4. Have fun! Parenting can be a great way to connect with your own inner child, and to reclaim the joy and wonder of childhood.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About the Deep Dive Guys

For more information about Tim Walsh, check out his website timwalshconsulting.com. And, you can find Michael Dinneen on LinkedIn.

The post Practical & Tactical Tips: Don’t F&#k It Up! (Episode 36) appeared first on Dan Griffin.

This well-evidenced assumption can be a source of tremendous anxiety for fathers who are raising young women.

Rare, indeed, is the father who couldn’t care less about his child’s future. But, unfortunately, rare indeed is also the father who had healthy, egalitarian hetereosexual relationships modeled for him as a child. And rarer still is the father who has a support system of other Dads who can mentor him and support him as he tries to navigate this strange and unfamiliar new territory.

In this episode, two-thirds of the Deep Dive Guys — Dan and Tim— talk with special guest Cody Gardener about the art and science of raising girls. All are fathers of girls ranging from age 10 to 18 months, and all have had their fair share of doubts, struggles, and fears.

If ever the phrase, “it’s not about doing it perfectly, it’s about doing it consciously” applies, it’s here. The guys show us that men who can own the fact that they’ve made mistakes and try to repair the damage can have a tremendously positive impact on their daughter’s growth and well-being.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About the Deep Dive Guys

For more information about Tim Walsh, check out his website timwalshconsulting.com. And, you can find Michael Dinneen on LinkedIn.

The post Episode 36: Don’t F&#k It Up! Dan & The Deep Dive Guys Share Advice For Dads With Daughters appeared first on Dan Griffin.

So many men could relate to that Pink Floyd lyric. Leading what Thoreau called “lives of quiet desperation,” so many of us stuff down our negative feelings day after day, until there’s not much room left in our hearts for joy.

It is only by feeling our feelings, embracing our humanity, and processing and releasing emotions like grief and sadness that we will ever find freedom.

But how can we begin that process when The Man Rules tell us that real men don’t talk about their feelings at all, let alone cry over them.

This week on The Man Rules podcast, poet Rick Belden joins host Dan Griffin to talk about ways you can finally start to process grief and discover a kind of strength you never knew you had.

Practical & Tactical Tips

1. Think of the person you’ve lost in your life who was really important to you. Write them a letter about how much you miss them, in as much detail as you can. Or, if you’d prefer, you could make a video on your phone. You may find that feelings you thought you were done with are still there.
2. Make use of the information that’s in your body. Think about something you’ve lost that you miss— it could be a person, a pet, or even a job. Then check in with your body and notice what’s going on? Are you feeling nauseous? A flutter in your chest? There may be some feeling there, that you need to process.
3. Crying is only one aspect of the grieving process. Take some kind of creative action as a result of your grief. Create some art, write some music, rebuild or restore something as a memorial, start a community project in honor of your loss.
   

Bonus: Find a good men’s group, if you can. (Psychology Today’s Support Group directory is one good resource, where you can search by location.)

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

GREAT NEWS! Rick is offering a 10 percent discount on enrollment in one of his coaching programs for men for The Man Rules podcast listeners. Sign up at RickBeldenCoaching.com.

About Our Guest

Rick Belden is a respected explorer and chronicler of the psychology and inner lives of men. He has been writing for most of his life and has been using creative expression, dreamwork, personal mythology, and listening to the body as tools for self-healing since 1989.

His book, Iron Man Family Outing: Poems about Transition into a More Conscious Manhood, is widely used in the United States and internationally by therapists, counselors, and men’s groups as an aid in the exploration of masculine psychology and men’s issues, and as a resource for men who grew up in dysfunctional, abusive, or neglectful family systems.

Rick’s poetry and essays have appeared in multiple books and on numerous websites around the world, reaching an international audience of many thousands of men and women. He helps men who are feeling stuck get their lives moving again by drawing on over 25 years of experience exploring men’s issues, masculine psychology, and recovery from abuse.

He lives in Austin, Texas.

Mentioned In This Episode

Rick’s website

Rick Belden Coaching

Men’s Group Directory on Psychology Today

Jenga

Magnolia

More Resources

Essay: Men and Grief

Essay: What If He Cries?

Poem: tears never cried

Video: Men and Grief: Does masculinity help with healing or make it more difficult?

Song: Comfortably Numb

The post Practical & Tactical Tips: Uncomfortably Numb – Rick Belden On Grief & Loss (Episode 35) appeared first on Dan Griffin.

All of that crying was helping you to process loss in a way that was meant to bring you wisdom about the bittersweet realities of the world around you. Those emotions were meant to help you build emotional resilience.

At some point in your boyhood however, you likely stopped crying — you weren’t a girl or a baby after all — and anesthetized yourself to all of the feelings of disappointment and sorrow that went along with it.

You didn’t make this up. It wasn’t really a choice. You got the message from so many sources that said this, in one way or another: Big boys don’t cry.

Rick Belden talks about how this process impeded your maturation and your ability to fully embrace your own humanity. In this episode, he and Dan talk about ways you can finally start to process grief and discover a kind of strength you never knew you had. They ask us to consider the idea that, maybe after everything we’ve been through, the real truth is that real men do feel grief and sadness. Real Men, in fact, do cry.

GREAT NEWS: Rick Belden is offering a 10 percent discount on enrollment in one of his coaching programs for men for The Man Rules podcast listeners. Sign up at RickBeldenCoaching.com.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About Our Guest

Rick Belden is a respected explorer and chronicler of the psychology and inner lives of men. He has been writing for most of his life and has been using creative expression, dreamwork, personal mythology, and listening to the body as tools for self-healing since 1989.

His book, Iron Man Family Outing: Poems about Transition into a More Conscious Manhood, is widely used in the United States and internationally by therapists, counselors, and men’s groups as an aid in the exploration of masculine psychology and men’s issues, and as a resource for men who grew up in dysfunctional, abusive, or neglectful family systems.

Rick’s poetry and essays have appeared in multiple books and on numerous websites around the world, reaching an international audience of many thousands of men and women. He helps men who are feeling stuck get their lives moving again by drawing on over 25 years of experience exploring men’s issues, masculine psychology, and recovery from abuse.

He lives in Austin, Texas.

Mentioned In This Episode

Rick’s website

Rick Belden Coaching

Men’s Group Directory on Psychology Today

Jenga

Magnolia

More Resources

Essay: Men and Grief

Essay: What If He Cries?

Poem: tears never cried

Video: Men and Grief: Does masculinity help with healing or make it more difficult?

Song: Comfortably Numb

The post Episode 35: Uncomfortably Numb — Poet Rick Belden On Grief & Loss appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Act now and you’ll also receive:

• The Deep Dive Guys’ thoughts on The Man Rule that requires a man to be the primary financial provider for his family
• A discussion of the shame many men feel when their wife or female partner makes more money than them
• The guys’ best tips on how to free yourself from a scarcity mindset and status anxiety.

All of which are guaranteed — well, almost guaranteed — to help you understand the true meaning of value and abundance and improve your relationship with money.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!
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About The Deep Dive Guys

For more information about Tim Walsh, check out his website timwalshconsulting.com. And, you can find Michael Dinneen on LinkedIn.

About The Man Rules Podcast Host, Dan Griffin

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. His work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. His professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous. Dan grew up in the DC area and lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Nancy, and his daughter, Grace, and has been in long-term recovery from addiction since he graduated college in May of 1994.

Mentioned in This Episode

Earn What You Deserve (Book)

Brené Brown on Scarcity and Abundance (Inc.com article)

The post Episode 22: The Deep Dive Guys Start Making Cents! Dan Griffin, Tim Walsh, and Michael Dinneen Talk Money appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Unfortunately for the latter group, time marches on and takes its outdated ideas about masculinity and femininity along with it. And, according to author and diversity expert Jack Myers, Gen-Z is leading the charge. On this episode of the podcast he and host Dan Griffin talk about generational shifts in attitudes toward gender norms and relationships, educational and professional realities for Gen-Z and Millennial men, how young men are (and are not) being supported in their growth and ambition, the impact of media on our perceptions of men and masculinity, and much more.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About Our Guest

Jack Myers, author of The Future of Men: Masculinity in the Twenty-First Century, is a recognized cultural visionary, award-winning documentary film producer, advisor to hundreds of leading corporations on media and technology trends, and founder of MediaVillage.com, WomenAdvancing.org and 1stFive.org. He is also author of a guide to Generation-Z: Hooked Up: A New Generation’s Surprising Take on Sex, Politics and Saving the World, winner of the International Book Award for Youth Issues. His prescient insights and counsel make him one of the foremost global experts on the impact of technological advances on culture, society, business, advertising, marketing and human connections. He has been honored with a George Foster Peabody Award and Academy and Emmy Award nominations for Best Documentary Feature. His TEDWomen Talk can be viewed at www.futureofmen.com and you can follow him at www.jackmyers.com.

About The Man Rules Podcast Host, Dan Griffin

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. His work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. His professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous. Dan grew up in the DC area and lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Nancy, and his daughter, Grace, and has been in long-term recovery from addiction since he graduated college in May of 1994.

Mentioned On This Episode

The Future of Men: Masculinity in the Twenty-First Century (Book)

Hooked Up: A New Generation’s Surprising Take on Sex, Politics and Saving the World (Book)

The Women’s Movement

Generation Z

Homer Simpson

Peter Griffin

Nurse Jackie

Jack Myers TED Women Talk

The post Episode 22: The Generational Gender Shift — Jack Myers On Gen Z & Masculinity appeared first on Dan Griffin.

There is no doubt that social expectations for men have changed dramatically in the last few decades. But, guidance for men on how they can meet those expectations has not kept pace with the changes.

The mantra of The Man Rules podcast is, “Don’t let The Rules rule you.” Show up however you want in your life, but do it consciously. Do it because it is reflective of who you want to be. Not because of the lie that says, “This is just how men are.”

RECAP: What are The Man Rules?

The Man Rules are the ideas, behaviors, and expectations that make up our ideas on what it means to be a real man. These ideas come from many different sources and can often be contradictory. They can also be confusing.

In fact, the dominant mental state that most men find themselves in today is one of confusion. Whether you are 16 years old or 60 years old these are disorienting—but also amazing and exciting—times we live in. There have never been more possibilities for who we can be in this world.

One of the biggest challenges men have to face before they can embrace these new possibilities lies in seeing how The Man Rules are so deeply ingrained in our lives. They rule us and shape our behavior in dozens of imperceptible ways.

As boys, we were not given choices when it came to The Man Rules. Nobody sat us down with the list of Man Rules and asked us which ones we wanted to follow, which ones caused us pain, and which ones brought us joy. No one explained that The Man Rules may actually appear to serve us well at times and to severely fail us at other times.

After years of having conversations with men and hearing the pain that following these rules has had on their lives and in their relationships, it is clear that we must learn how to see The Rules for what they are and how to choose, moment by moment, to be the men we want to be.

Redefining Masculinity

I have dedicated my work and life to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. I am dedicated to helping men be better men by helping them to see the impact of The Man Rules on their lives. I want men to find the success, satisfaction, and personal fulfillment they long for in their personal and professional lives.

My last book, A Man’s Way through Relationships, was the first book written specifically to help men create healthy relationships while navigating the challenges of the “Man Rules. As important as relationships are to all of us and despite how much the expectations for men in relationships — as fathers and partners, especially — have changed, there is still surprisingly little enlightened and compassionate advice available to help us navigate this new territory successfully. THAT is what The Man Rules podcast is all about.

Each week, I will be sharing my own journey toward being the best man, father, partner, and friend I can be. I call it “conscious masculinity.” I will invite guests on the show to have provocative, deep, and vulnerable conversations about life and love.

I believe that vulnerability is the key that allows men to free themselves from the bondage of The Man Rules. The Catch-22, of course, is that one of the most powerful Man Rules tells us that real men are not vulnerable. And THAT is the rub! I will do my best to model vulnerability by using my own life as an example of a conscious journey of success and failure.

Failing Forward

I have been married for 13 years. I have a beautiful wife and a beautiful daughter. I am in long-term recovery from addiction with over20 years on that amazing journey of healing and self-care. I have a more amazing life than I could have ever imagined. Or deserve.

I know I am blessed. And, yet, on a daily basis, I fail to be the father I want to be. I fail to be the partner I deeply desire to be. I fail to simply be the man in my community and in the world that I feel called to be.

As best as I can, I embrace that failure. Not perfectly by any means. I always say it is not about doing it perfectly, it is about doing it consciously. I know that the power of The Man Rules and the power they have had over my life are the biggest barrier to my finding the true happiness, peace, and love that everyone wants.

One day at a time, with the incredible support of amazing men and women in my life, I grow closer to being the man I truly believe I am meant to be. As the saying goes, I may not always be the best man I can be, but I far from the man I was. That is the journey I will share on this podcast.

The Man Rules podcast is about men having really honest conversations about being men in today’s society. There are no right answers. Your anger is as welcome as your joy and humor. It is a privilege to do this work. It is a passion of mine to help men and women have the tough conversations. I hope you will join me on this journey and share your own journey with me. Let’s show the world just how amazing men are.  

Where to Listen to The Man Rules Podcast

You can listen to the show online at www.themanrules.com or download it via iTunes, Stitcher or your favorite podcasting app.

Check out some of our great content here!

About The Host, Dan Griffin

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. His work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. His professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous. Dan grew up in the DC area and lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Nancy, and his daughter, Grace, and has been in long-term recovery from addiction since he graduated college in May of 1994.

Resources

A Man’s Way Through Relationships

A Man’s Way Through The 12 Steps

Helping Men Recover

Griffin Recovery Enterprises

The Meadows Senior Fellows

The post The Man Rules Podcast – A Recap appeared first on Dan Griffin.

John Lee has been at the forefront of the movement to help men with their health, psychological and spiritual well-being and recovery for decades. He has written 23 books on men’s issues, recovery, anger, grief, relationship, creativity, and spirituality. He has taught his techniques and theories to thousands of individuals, couples, families, groups, corporations, and therapists all over the world.

There are a handful of men that we can point to and thank for having the courage to challenge The Man Rules long before it was safe enough or accepted as okay. John Lee is one of those men.

In this episode, Dan and John talk about the progress men have made in the last few decades. John talks fondly of the time he spent with Robert Bly, one of the true pioneers of looking differently at men’s lives and how the two of them had the privilege of being with hundreds and even thousands of men who were looking for a way out of the quiet desperation tearing their lives apart.

Dan and John cover a lot of material from the unfortunate portrayals of men in the media from idiot to hypermasculine warrior, the significance of the superhero resurrection, the importance of mentors, the lack of depth in many of today’s discussions about masculinity, and their hopes for the future.

The post Standing on the Shoulders of Giants – Episode 6 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

The road to misery begins in the self. The discipline of working the Steps and applying the principles to our lives teach us how to be selfless in our service to others. What does it mean to be of service? Being of service is sacrificing our immediate needs and wants in order to serve a greater purpose. Every time I do this – without exception – I forget about myself and my petty, annoying, and peevish problems. One of the best, and probably hardest, ways to be of service is to go out of our way for others – with no expectation of acknowledgment or reward.  Maybe we even do it anonymously. But in recovery something happens – sometimes in spite of ourselves – and we lose interest in our selfish pursuits and gain interest in our fellows. We realize that the freedom of recovery lies in our commitment to service and that which is bigger than us. We are not saints, however, as they say; it often takes a long time to eliminate all of the cancer of self-centeredness. But we grow and our world expands as we join hands with those around us. We get to be a part of the community once again.

The post Promise #7: We will lose interest in selfish things appeared first on Dan Griffin.

A running joke in our training’s is that the issue for men is not whether or not we can get into relationships. Men have no problem getting into a relationship! The real challenge is staying in relationships. And given everything we have been talking about up until this point it should be quite apparent that for many men there are a lot of forces inside of us that make it hard. Not impossible, not at all. But challenging. I have a lot of young male friends who pine for someone to love. “If only I could find someone, Dan” they say wistfully. I get it; I understand what it feels like to wonder if I would ever find someone I wanted to spend my life with. I also make it a point to let them know that the real work happens after you’ve found that person!

Staying in relationships is quite a bit tougher than getting into them. The men I have interviewed are the voices of experience, strength, and hope that need to be heard and honored.

Staying in intimate relationships requires us to face ourselves in a way that we are not used to. We may not even feel equipped to do so. The Rules have taught us how not to be in relationships. If and when we actually commit to a relationship, the Rules may influence us to feel miserable in that relationship, leading us to destroy it. A lot of men tend to be “runners.” At a certain point in a relationship our response is to shut down and walk or run away, to escape. Why do we run? Because we do not know how to handle the emotional intensity that comes from a healthy and intimate relationship.

Most of the men and women of my generation are not interested in the kind of relationships we watched previous generations have. These were usually relationships in which unresolved conflicts lingered, vulnerable thoughts and feelings were not shared, communication was like pulling teeth, and marriage was an obligation to be suffered through. Of course, if that is what we grew up with and we were not taught anything different, then what are the chances that just because we don’t want to do our relationships that way, we won’t have the end result? Not very good. Healthy relationships require dedication and hard work. We cannot learn to speak French fluently just because we want to. If nobody taught us French and spoke French around us when we were growing up, and we have had little practice in speaking the language, it will take a lot of work and discipline to become fluent. That is what it is like for men in relationships. People often expect us to speak French, and all we know how to say is bonjour, merci, and au revoir.

After years of working with men and having my own challenges with relationships, I am absolutely convinced that a lot of men leave relationships not because they truly do not love someone but because it gets too much. It’s overwhelming and a lot of work. It’s painful. It’s emotionally confusing. We leave in lots of different ways: we check out by hiding in the basement watching ESPN, get lost in our work, slowly checking out of the relationship emotionally, and many other ways. The main point is that staying in a relationship – and being truly present – is hard work. And men deserve to have all of the support we can get to be able to do the work – because the rewards are absolutely amazing. And that is something sticking around for!

The post Staying in Healthy Relationships appeared first on Dan Griffin.

One of the great Man Rules is: Don’t feel. Of course, it is actually men aren’t allowed to feel anything other than anger. It is not manly to express the “softer” feelings. We learn it very early and often brutally and that training lasts a very long time. And takes a very long time to unlearn. Some people even think it is just how men are: we simply don’t have those feelings. I fundamentally disagree with that and the men in recovery I know and love have shown me otherwise.

In the last few years, I have discovered an important fact. In recovery we talk about how feelings are not facts. This is true. Feelings are also genderless. What does that mean? Assigning gender to specific feelings is something I was guilty of in my first book, and is something that our culture does to boys and men starting at a very early age. It is the essence of the Water I talked about earlier. Unintentionally, I perpetuated the idea that feelings such as hurt, sadness, and fear are feminine. But if men and women and boys and girls all have those feelings, how can they be masculine or feminine? Feelings are universal; they have no gender. You may not be aware of them right now because you have been trained through the Rules not to recognize them. And if you do recognize them, you are prohibited from acknowledging them to others. But as we continue to evolve as humans and grow in our recovery, we become more aware of all of our feelings. They are part of our life experience. As Ed said previously, “To feel is to be alive.”

My challenge, and the challenge of a lot of the men I spoke with for this book, is accepting and expressing my feelings. How comfortable are you telling your partner that your feelings are hurt? I had specific patterns of interaction in my romantic relationships when they did something and my feelings were hurt. All I had to do was say, “That hurt my feelings,” or “That hurt,” or even simply say, “Ouch.” Instead, how did I behave? First, I acted offended. Then, I began to raise my voice. I would attack them with criticism. Were they guilty? Absolutely, but mostly guilty of being human. I felt hurt and I could not bear to admit it. The discomfort and shame I felt would not allow me to simply hold the feeling. I would start a fight rather than admit my feelings were hurt. How many times have you done something similar?

So that is a big part of the work in front of us. Our partners do not necessarily have any idea of the emotions going on inside of us when all we show them is stoicism, sarcasm, and anger. Yet, we have not only not learned how to show those emotions but we have learned not to show them. They are a sign of weakness. They will lead to our being taken advantage of. Hurt. Abandoned. We come to believe that they will lead to our undoing. And so we hide them deep away inside of us. The truth is, however, they are the key that unlocks not only our hearts but the hearts of all of those we love.

The post Manly Feelings appeared first on Dan Griffin.

We all have our stories. Every man has his story of how he has become the man he is today. Yet, we do not always put a lot of time into knowing our story – or sharing it with others.  It lets others in beyond the surface of so much of how we present ourselves in the world today. Our story is the blood rushing through us. I share a part of my story – as I understand it today – with you because it lets you know a little about who I really am. I share a part of my journey of becoming a man because it is a part of our stories we haven’t spent a lot of time taking to honor – or share with one another.

As an adolescent I had an unusual and deeply painful experience. My body literally did not grow. To say I was a late bloomer is an understatement. I became acutely aware of this in eighth grade, but there were still a few other boys who also had yet to hit puberty. The summer between eighth and ninth grade I had hoped “it” would happen, but it didn’t. I stayed short and began to feel more and more powerless. The shame about who I was and about my body began to spread like a weed throughout my psyche. It was a secret, and I had to protect myself from being found out to save myself from the ultimate humiliation.

The truth is that as a prepubescent young man I stood outside the usual images of masculinity. I started to see the Water, not because I consciously and thoughtfully reflected on the Man Rules, but because I was not a man. As I felt myself in the Water, I also felt the dissonance between what seemed to be the ideal masculinity and me. I was drowning in the Water and desperate to find some degree of solace. Burning in my psyche was this constant and resounding voice telling me that I was not a man. I believed it. That voice haunted me. The worst part was that once I grew to almost six feet tall and matured into what many people consider to be a handsome man, it was too late. The damage had been done. Like anorexics wasting away on death’s door who still see themselves as fat, it has taken twenty-plus years for me to not see the gaunt, prepubescent five-foot boy looking back at me in the mirror. And he can still show up when I’m under stress or feeling threatened.

What is your story about how you have become the man or woman you are today? Are you willing to share the chapters you are still trying to forget? The ones you tried to rip out of the book of your life? Do you know yet that those are the greatest parts of your story? If your voice does not shake when you tell your story to others then it probably isn’t your story. Do you know your story of your life is the greatest story ever told?

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