The post How to Stay Sober AF appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Listeners of The Man Rules podcast tend to be types who, in one way or another, want to live better. They want to free themselves from the limitations placed on them by society’s rules for how men should behave. They want to move beyond the fears and emotional barriers that keep them disconnected from others. They want to move beyond addiction, shame, trauma, and self-doubt and live life as consciously and completely as they can.

All of this takes work. A lot of work. Constant, daily, continuous work. And work–well–sometimes it sucks. Although the work we’re talking about on our show comes with many invaluable rewards, you can still get burnt out by sometimes. That’s why, as Dan explains in this solo episode, it’s important to give yourself a break, in order to prevent yourself from giving up.

The post What to Do When You’re Sick of It appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Okay, you’ve requested your time off from the boss, booked the plane tickets, sent the cards, bought the presents, and baked the cookies –or completed any number of your traditional holiday tasks. So, you may think that you’re ready for the holidays.

But, we say, you’re not really ready until you’ve heard Allen Berger’s 12 Stupid Things You Can Do to Mess Up the Holidays. Nothing like the holidays to push and pull us in all sorts of emotional directions, often like we’re just along for the ride.

But not this time! This time we’re goin’ in ready and armed. With awareness. This exhaustive list from our good friend Dr. Allen Berger tells you everything you DON’T want to do this holiday season. Listen on for some great tips and reminders on how to get through the holidays without making a mess! It really is possible. SPOILER ALERT: Print these out or put them in your phone. You’ll want to have them easily accessible.

The post 12 Stupid Things You Can Do to Mess Up The Holidays appeared first on Dan Griffin.

If you think about it, nearly every story we pay attention to is one about transformation. The main character in your favorite movie likely starts out in one state, something happens, and they end up in a different state by the time the credits roll. The transformation can be mental, physical, spiritual, or a combination of all three… And the something that happens can be a giant, cataclysmic event, or a very small, almost imperceptible awakening to a new way of seeing the world. Really, that’s what each of our Deep Dive episodes is about–the story of how one man started out as X and ended up as Y.

So, in this episode, in which we turn the tables and have someone interview DAN this time, it made sense for the story to be about transformation itself. Dan’s life has been a series of transformations. And, they’ve been the kind of transformations that require a person to really see the good, bad, and ugly about themselves and the world around them, and gently accept it all for what it is, while still fighting for change–the kind of change that, on both an individual and societal level, can bring about a greater sense of peace and freedom. Dan talks about the hows and whys behind some of his transformations and offers tips for those who are going through their own journeys of personal change.

Oh. And there are also jokes.

The post Transformers appeared first on Dan Griffin.

In our monthly Deep Dive episode, Dan talks in depth with one man about how The Man Rules have impacted his life, and how he has worked toward a more conscious masculinity. This week Michael Dinneen manages to say a lot of really profound and beautiful things about finding God, without sounding the least bit like a sanctimonious arsehole. (That’s a rare gift.)

The conversation runs the gamut from friendship, parenting, recovery from addiction(s), and what it means to be a man. But, the highlight of each topic is the paradox that’s inherent in any man’s attempt at self-actualization— You can’t become self-reliant on your own. In fact, the more you rise out of the mucky swamp of your ego, the more you need to rely on others and on a power greater than yourself.

After listening to this episode, you’re probably going to want more wisdom from Michael. And you can find it in his book, The Gift of Fulfillment.

The post How to Get Over Yourself appeared first on Dan Griffin.

This post is being brought to you from the great city of Indianapolis, where Producer Andrea lives. For those who are unfamiliar, the Indy 500 is a race where odd looking vehicles with really big tires whip around a circular track at alarming speeds— often more than 200 mph. The aim is to be the first driver to complete 500 laps around the circle. There’s money, prestige, and fame at stake so, of course, all of the drivers are desperate to win. It’s pretty exciting stuff.

But for many people, (Producer Andrea included), the most interesting thing about the race isn’t the race itself. It’s the pit stops.   

Isn’t it amazing that in a race where the goal is to drive, drive, drive as fast as you can, and be the first and the best, THE CARS HAVE TO STOP SOMETIMES? Can you imagine being an Indy Car driver, full of adrenaline and dopamine, with the words “Go, Go, Go!” crying out from the depths of your soul, having to make a conscious decision, often 2 or 3 times during the race, to stop? Can you imagine trying to convince yourself that stopping, even for only 8 seconds, would not put you at a serious disadvantage in a race where milliseconds matter? Can you imagine the temptation they must feel to just ignore the advice of their race team and just keep going?  

(Do you see where we’re going with this analogy-wise?)

How do you feel when you read the following words? SELF CARE. Does it sound like something a woman made up–possibly Oprah? Does it sound like something only women are allowed to do? Does it sound like something that might be nice for other people, but just isn’t a luxury you can afford right now as you’re trying to get that promotion, or get that person to marry you, or get your kids into that great school, etc, etc, etc?

Imagine you’re an Indy Car driver. Imagine hearing your crew manager say through your radio, “Hey, man. You need to stop for new tires and some fuel and an adjustment of your flex capacitor.” (or whatever.) Imagine saying to him, “Yeah, that would be nice, I guess, but I just can’t stop right now… I’m in third place! Only a few laps to go! I can totally push through.”

Imagine what happens next. (Hint: A tire falls off as you’re speeding along, you spin out of control, hit a few other cars that trying to speed past you, cause them to spin out of control and hit other cars, crash, bang, fires, disaster.)

Self care isn’t bubble baths, pints of ice cream and Netflix binges; it’s a stop for needed maintenance. It’s a prevention of wear and tear on your vehicle. It keeps you in the race.

In this episode, Tim Harrington stops by to talk to Dan, not about the Indy 500, but about scheduled maintenance for your soul. (a.k.a. Self Care.) He offers up a number of great suggestions for how to do self care in a way that leads to lasting growth and change. Check it out, and stay tuned for future updates from Tim as he takes his family on the road…

The post Scheduled Maintenance For Your Soul appeared first on Dan Griffin.

For Jason MacKenzie, everything was going as planned. He had a great job, a beautiful wife, two kids, a nice house, and a nice car. So, how did he one day find himself, widowed, and drinking until he passed out (again) on his couch, while his heartbroken 9-year-old daughter played on the floor alone?  

On this episode of The Man Rules podcast, Jason explains how he radically changed his life by stepping outside of his alpha male persona and embracing his long-hidden emotionality, sensitivity, and creativity through vulnerability. You’ll learn more about his mission to help other men discover the power of emotion through his Mental Health Warriors project and hear his Practical and Tactical Tips for living a more authentic life. He and Dan also discuss the differences between the problematic use of alcohol and addiction, and paths available to recovery.

Practical and Tactical Tips

1. There is so much knowledge and wisdom to be gained through your emotions. Allow yourself to feel every single one. You don’t have to let them dictate your decisions in order to learn from them.
2. Be willing to share your story in order to help others. This doesn’t mean that you have no boundaries and share anything and everything and with anyone and everyone. It means that you recognize when someone is struggling, and offer to share your story if you think it will help them.
3. When you start to step into your emotions, you are going to create opportunities for yourself that you’ve never even imagined before. Learn to embrace those opportunities and to learn from disappointment and failure.

Bonus: If you’d like to talk to someone about what you’re going through right now, you can book a complimentary two-hour conversation with Jason at MentalHealthWarriors.com.

About Our Guest

Jason MacKenzie is an expert on peak human performance. His philosophy, experience, and methods are born from the laboratory of his own life and the lives of the people he serves. A father, published author, experienced speaker, and proven leader Jason is sharing the important life lessons he has learned from his harrowing personal journey. He is a survivor of his wife’s battle with bipolar disorder and subsequent suicide and has overcome a decade-long battle with alcohol. His goal is to equip every man with the tools to become a better father, leader, and human being. Find out more at MentalHealthWarriors.com

Mentioned on The Show

The Mental Health Warriors Podcast

Terry Real – “The impact of male socialization is disconnection.”

Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability

The post What’s Left When It All Falls Away – Episode 51 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Whether in recovery or not, numbing out is not the answer. From something as extreme as turning to drugs, to simply distracting yourself with work, turning away from your feelings is not a long-term solution.

This week’s Man Rules podcast might not help anyone make sense of the tragedies of recent weeks. But hopefully, you can use these tips and tricks to take care of yourself in this swirl of insanity. Just do the next indicated thing.

Practical & Tactical Tips

Dr. Allen Berger shares his 12 Tenets of Emotional Sobriety.

1. Develop an awareness of the gravitational pull of emotional dependency.
2. Surrender your special status that tells you you can impose your expectations on others, and on life itself.
3. Become aware of, and surrender, all of your unenforceable rules.
4. Move away from environmental support and toward self-support.
5. Refuse to live a life based on shoulds.
6. Maintain your balance by keeping your emotional center of gravity grounded in your own truth.
7. Look for a creative adaptation to problems.
8. Stop playing the blame game.
9. Claim your experience, rather than allowing your experience to claim you.
10. Cultivate nourishing attitudes toward your problems, toward yourself, and toward others.
11. Experiencing trouble in your recovery or in your relationships doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with your program; it’s a signal pointing you toward where you need to grow.
12. When you face trouble, add more self.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About Our Guest

Allen Berger, Ph.D., is an internationally recognized expert in family and couples therapy, and in the science of addiction and recovery. He is best known for his work on integrating modern psychotherapy with the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and for his insights into emotional sobriety. He is also recognized for his outstanding work as a psychotherapist and trainer.

He brings a highly unique background to his profession. His own personal journey in recovery started in 1971, on the beautiful island of Oahu, Hawaii. There he fell in love with recovery and with helping people find their way out of the abyss of addiction into the light of recovery. He overcame dropping out of high school, and received a doctorate in clinical psychology from UC Davis in 1987.He was trained and mentored by two brilliant clinicians: William C. Rader, M.D. and Walter Kempler, M.D..

He is the author of several journal articles as well as two books: Love Secrets – Revealed (HCI Books, 2006) and the Best Seller, 12 Stupid Things that Mess up Recovery (Hazelden, 2008)). His pamphlet How to Get the Most out of Group Therapy (Hazelden, 2007) helps new admissions understand the process of group therapy and how to use the group to optimize their experience in treatment.

His office is located in Southern California where he divides his time amongst private practice, teaching, writing and playing tennis.

Mentioned in This Episode

The Big Book (AA)

The 12 Steps and 12 Traditions (AA)

Earnie Larsen and Stage 2 Recovery

Alexithymia

Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl

CCAPP conference

Addiction and Recovery Resources

Reliable resources for learning more about addiction and finding help for yourself, a friend, or a family member.

General Information about Addiction

SAMHSA – Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Association

Facing Addiction

Shatterproof

For People with Substance Addictions

Alcoholics Anonymous

Narcotics Anonymous

SMART Recovery

For Families and Friends of People with Substance Addictions

Al-Anon

SMART Recovery Family and Friends

Adult Children of Alcoholics

Partnership for Drug-Free Kids

Network of Independent Interventionists

Association of Intervention Specialists

The post Practical & Tactical Tips: Grow Up, Man! (Episode 32) appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Wow. For most of us, that’s a pretty steep climb. And you sure don’t have to be in recovery in order to benefit from that message, because really, it’s every human’s journey.

Luckily, Dr. Allen Berger is back to be our emotional mountaineer and guide us along the path to a higher level of consciousness and a higher level of fully functional adulthood. He and Dan discuss the magic that can happen when we stop trying to control everything, and stop expecting the world and everyone in it to conform to our expectations.

(If you want to hear more of these two guys keeping it real, check out Episode 2.)

The post Episode 32: Grow Up, Man! Allen Berger on the 12 Tenets of Emotional Sobriety appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Amid all the onslaught of disturbing statistics about our country’s addiction epidemic, it can be easy to lose sight of the individual rays of hope that personal recovery stories represent.

This week on The Man Rules podcast, host Dan Griffin brings together his pals the Deep Dive Guys to talk about their own recovery stories in celebration of National Recovery Month.

Just listening to the episode might be reassurance that “it works if you work it.” But for those looking to live a better life today – in recovery or no – these tips might be a great start.

Practical & Tactical Tips

The post Practical & Tactical Tips: The Gift of Desperation (Episode 31) appeared first on Dan Griffin.

In a culture where we’re told repeatedly to put only our best foot forward and treat emotion like it’s an inconvenience that only serves to get in the way of maximum productivity and efficiency, all of the earnest talk about self-love and Higher Powers and connection can seem downright weird.

Unfortunately, this perception scares many people who need recovery away from the very things that could help them for far too long.

In this episode, host Dan Griffin, Tim Walsh and Michael Dinneen join forces once again to talk about why the opposite of addiction is connection, why recovery culture is nothing to fear, and how everyone — whether they are in recovery or not — can experience more joy, openness, and freedom.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About the Deep Dive Guys

For more information about Tim Walsh, check out his website timwalshconsulting.com. And, you can find Michael Dinneen on LinkedIn.

Mentioned in This Episode

The Gift of Fulfillment: Living The Principles of Healthy Recovery (Book by Michael Dinneen)

The parable of the long spoons

Viktor Frankl Quote on Success

Survivors workshop at The Meadows

Bridge to Recovery

Addiction and Recovery Resources

Reliable resources for learning more about addiction and finding help for yourself, a friend, or a family member.

General Information about Addiction

SAMHSA – Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Association

Facing Addiction

Shatterproof

For People with Substance Addictions

Alcoholics Anonymous

Narcotics Anonymous

SMART Recovery

For Families and Friends of People with Substance Addictions

Al-Anon

SMART Recovery Family and Friends

Adult Children of Alcoholics

Partnership for Drug-Free Kids

Network of Independent Interventionists

Association of Intervention Specialists

The post Episode 31: The Deep Dive Guys on the Gift of Desperation appeared first on Dan Griffin.

In recent years, AIDS, obesity-related illnesses, and addictive disorders have all been subject to moral and spiritual reasoning, often to the detriment of those who need help and support in order to recover. Thanks to the efforts of thousands of those who lived with HIV and AIDS, much progress has been made in both the stigma and treatment of that disease. Addiction, however, still has a long way to go. And, yet, as we have stated throughout this month, addictive disorders are our country’s number one public health issue. Period. If our country put half the amount of money and resources into healing addictive disorders and sharing the message of recovery that we do in advertising for alcohol and prescription opiates and constantly turning the spotlight on the devastation of addiction, our society would look completely different.

Changing faulty cultural perceptions of heavily stigmatized diseases like addictive disorders takes a village. It requires those who struggle with the illness to tell their stories, and set off a chain reaction of changes in public attitudes, state and local policies, research funding, prevention efforts and recovery support efforts.

In this episode, Dan talks to recovery advocates and activists Michael King and Patty McCarthy Metcalf on what we can do to turn the tide on our age old addiction epidemic in this country, and help our neighbors who struggle with addictive disorders to get back on the path of living healthy, productive, (and tax paying) lives.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About Our Guest

Michael King is the National Director of Outreach & Engagement for Facing Addiction, a national non-profit organization whose primary mission is to unify the voices of the 45 million Americans directly impacted by addiction. In his position, Michael works with and to expand Facing Addiction’s coalition of partnering organizations, the Facing Addiction Action Network. In the past, Michael worked for over a decade in the political arena as a political organizer, campaign manager and communications professional. He is the proud father of two young children, and a person in long term recovery.

Patty McCarthy Metcalf, M.S., is the Executive Director of Faces & Voices of Recovery, the nation’s leading recovery advocacy organization since 2001. Her work focuses on public policy, public education, community mobilizing, peer-based recovery support services and peer workforce development. She has been instrumental in the development of national accreditation standards for peer recovery support service. Patty has designed and delivered training on topics such as recovery messaging, ethics and boundaries, recovery-oriented systems of care (ROSC), peer recovery coaching and much more. As a woman in long-term recovery from alcohol and drug addiction since 1989, Ms. McCarthy Metcalf has frequently participated as a subject matter expert and thought leader with SAMHSA sponsored policy discussions. Ms. McCarthy Metcalf’s professional experience covers the spectrum of prevention, treatment and recovery.

Mentioned in this Episode

Facing Addiction

Facing Addiction in America, Executive Summary

Facing Addiction in America, Full U.S. Surgeon General’s Report

Faces & Voices of Recovery

The Anonymous People (movie)

Life in Recovery Survey

Association of Recovery Community Organizations

Advocacy with Anonymity

2017 Legislative Priorities

Mental Health Parity and Equity Act

CARF

Joint Commission

Association of Recovery Community Organizations

Rat Race, by Bob Marley (lyrics)

Mom (TV Show on CBS)

Addiction and Recovery Resources

Reliable resources for learning more about addiction and finding help for yourself, a friend, or a family member.

General Information about Addiction

SAMHSA – Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Association

Facing Addiction

Shatterproof

For People with Substance Addictions

Alcoholics Anonymous

Narcotics Anonymous

SMART Recovery

For Families and Friends of People with Substance Addictions

Al-Anon

SMART Recovery Family and Friends

Adult Children of Alcoholics

Partnership for Drug-Free Kids

Network of Independent Interventionists

Association of Intervention Specialists

The post Episode 30: When Bad Diseases Happen to Good People appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Many children of addiction turn to substances themselves to get through the pain, and still more see their lives forever altered in other devastating ways.

If you’ve been through it yourself, you know how an addicted family member can cast a shadow over your whole life.

But there is hope.

More than ever, resources targeting the family of people struggling with addiction offer a path out of the madness.

If you’re ready to begin the journey into the light yourself, check out this week’s episode of The Man Rules podcast, where host Dan Griffin and guest Dr. Tian Dayton explore the concept of emotional sobriety and addiction in families.

And in the meantime, these practical and tactical tips could be a great start.

Practical & Tactical Tips

1. Go to a 12-Step program—whichever one is right for you—and stay in it past your judgments. Stay in it until you can really hear what people are saying and open your mouth to share what’s going on inside of you. Get your “soles” in the rooms.
2. Get excited about figuring out who you are. When things go wrong, instead of getting scared or frozen, get curious and go wherever that leads you.
3. Put love at the burning center of your life. Take a look around at what you have and appreciate it. It’s like watering a plant—you nourish what you look at with love and appreciation and that helps it to grow.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About Our Guest

Tian Dayton, MA, Ph.D., T.E.P is the director of The New York Psychodrama Training Institute where she runs training groups in psychodrama, sociometry and experiential group therapy. She served as Caron’s director of program development for eight years and Breathe’s for four. She was also a professor at NYU for eight years teaching psychodrama and currently sits on the Scientific Advisory Board for the National Association for Children of Alcoholics (NACoA). She is a fellow of the American Society of Psychodrama, Sociometry and Group Psychotherapy (ASGPP), and is the winner of their scholar’s award and the President’s award. She has served as Editor in Chief of the Journal of Psychodrama, Sociometry and Group Psychotherapy for ten years and as an executive editor for eight, she sits on the professional standards committee. She is also the winner of The Mona Mansell Award and The Ackermann Black Award for her contributions to the field of addiction.

Dr. Dayton has been a guest expert on NBC, CNN, MSNBC, Montel, Rikki Lake, John Walsh, and Geraldo. She is the author of fifteen books including, Neuropsychodrama in the Treatment of Relational Trauma, The ACoA Trauma Syndrome: How Childhood Trauma Impacts Adult Relationships, Emotional Sobriety: From Relationship Trauma to Resilience and Balance, Trauma and Addiction: Ending the Cycle of Pain Through Emotional Literacy, Heartwounds : The Impact of Unresolved Trauma and Grief on Relationships, Forgiving and Moving On , The Living Stage: A Step by Step Guide to Psychodrama and Experiential Therapy, The Magic of Forgiveness. She is also a Huffington Post blogger and a Thrive Global blogger. Her films and videos include The Process, A 73 Minute award-winning docudrama that uses Psychodrama to tell stories of addicts; Adult Children of Alcoholics, Trauma and The Body: A Psychodramatic Approach and Healing Childhood Abuse through Psychodrama. She is also a certified Montessori teacher and a Senior Fellow at The Meadows. For more information about Dr. Dayton, visit www.tiandayton.com

Mentioned in this Episode

Emotional Sobriety, Book by Tian Dayton

ACoA Trauma Syndrome, Book by Tian Dayton

I’ll Quit Tomorrow, Book by Vernon Johnson

ACoA or ACA

ACA Laundry List

Eugene O’Neill – “The past becomes the present.”

ACES Study

Dr. Rob Anda (ACES Study)

12 Step Programs

THRIVE workshop at The Meadows

Survivors workshops at The Meadows

Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse (Family Roles)

Psychodrama

Addiction and Recovery Resources

Reliable resources for learning more about addiction and finding help for yourself, a friend, or a family member.

General Information about Addiction

SAMHSA – Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Association

Facing Addiction

Shatterproof

For People with Substance Addictions

Alcoholics Anonymous

Narcotics Anonymous

SMART Recovery

For Families and Friends of People with Substance Addictions

Al-Anon

SMART Recovery Family and Friends

Adult Children of Alcoholics

Partnership for Drug-Free Kids

Network of Independent Interventionists

Association of Intervention Specialists

The post Practical & Tactical Tips: All In The Fam Damily (Episode 29) appeared first on Dan Griffin.

But if you can’t depend on Google to answer your recovery questions, where can you turn?

Trying to help a loved one who is struggling with addiction can be overwhelming with so many options – and still, in a way, so few options – available.

Where do you begin? Who should you trust? The following questions can help guide you as begin to look for an interventionist or addiction counselor.

• What is your background and training? Are you a licensed counselor? 
• What are your credentials? Are you certified?
• How many interventions have you done?
• Are you a member of a professional organization?
• Can we have references from other families you’ve done interventions for?
• Do you work for a treatment center? And do you refer clients only to that treatment center? Do you receive any kickbacks or payments from treatment centers?
• Are you truly independent? Is it fair to say that you work only for us, the family?
• What kinds of placement options will you give us? How many will we have to choose from
• How will we navigate insurance coverage versus out-of-pocket expenses?
• How do we pay you? What are your fees?

For more on where to turn when you need help getting help, listen to this week’s podcast with host Dan Griffin and interventionist David Brown, below.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About Our Guest

David Brown is a professional counselor, interventionist, mentor, coach, public speaker and educator. You are likely to find him in any conversation related to recovery and the world of addiction. He is passionate about working with men and helping them on their journey.

He has done over 350 interventions. He stresses that the most successful interventions he has done were ones in which concern was conveyed without shame, without ultimatums, without being hurtful. We hold loved ones accountable without being hurtful. The family is trained to express what they see and how they feel about it and are taught that they may only be planting seeds that grow later. We tend to judge our efforts by the outcomes but we have no control over the outcomes. We just give it our best most informed shot! What is really important are the family efforts and their expressions of love.

He was educated in England and has traveled the world extensively during a successful career in international sales. He has lived in Germany, Kenya, and India and made his home in the USA some years ago. He speaks German fluently. He is an exceptional communicator, storyteller and polished presenter with expertise in strategic and consultative selling. He brings an entrepreneurial background to the Behavioral Health Field and has a unique Rolodex of important contacts in the UK, Ireland, Europe and the Far East.

He has been married to the Lovely Lucy for 34 years and is a proud man in recovery.

Addiction & Recovery Resources

Reliable resources for learning more about addiction and finding help for yourself, a friend, or a family member.

General Information about Addiction

SAMHSA – Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Association

Facing Addiction

Shatterproof

For People with Substance Addictions

Alcoholics Anonymous

Narcotics Anonymous

SMART Recovery

For Families and Friends of People with Substance Addictions

Al-Anon

SMART Recovery Family and Friends

Adult Children of Alcoholics

Partnership for Drug-Free Kids

Network of Independent Interventionists

Association of Intervention Specialists

The post Practical & Tactical Tips: When You Need Help Getting Help (Episode 28) appeared first on Dan Griffin.

There is a powerful line from the amazing movie Magnolia: “You may be through with the past, but the past isn’t through with you.” Unfortunately, most ACAs, even those who are high-achievers, at some point in their lives find that they were not, in fact, able to leave all of their pain behind them when they walked out the door. Particularly, once they begin forming intimate relationships and starting families of their own, they find themselves struggling in ways they don’t quite understand.

They blow up at their kids, they wall themselves off from their partners, they have unhealthy conflicts with friends, coworkers or neighbors. They never drink a drop of alcohol or use another drug, and yet it feels like they are suddenly turning into their parents – they are slowly becoming that which they promised they would never become. What the hell is going on?

In this episode of the Man Rules podcast, Dr. Tian Dayton explains what’s going on and gives a ton of poignant and life-affirming advice on how to make peace with your past so you can experience peace in the present.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About Our Guest

Tian Dayton, MA, Ph.D., T.E.P is the director of The New York Psychodrama Training Institute where she runs training groups in psychodrama, sociometry and experiential group therapy. She served as Caron’s director of program development for eight years and Breathe’s for four. She was also a professor at NYU for eight years teaching psychodrama and currently sits on the Scientific Advisory Board for the National Association for Children of Alcoholics (NACoA). She is a fellow of the American Society of Psychodrama, Sociometry and Group Psychotherapy (ASGPP), and is the winner of their scholar’s award and the President’s award. She has served as Editor in Chief of the Journal of Psychodrama, Sociometry and Group Psychotherapy for ten years and as an executive editor for eight, she sits on the professional standards committee. She is also the winner of The Mona Mansell Award and The Ackermann Black Award for her contributions to the field of addiction.

Dr. Dayton has been a guest expert on NBC, CNN, MSNBC, Montel, Rikki Lake, John Walsh, and Geraldo. She is the author of fifteen books including, Neuropsychodrama in the Treatment of Relational Trauma, The ACoA Trauma Syndrome: How Childhood Trauma Impacts Adult Relationships, Emotional Sobriety: From Relationship Trauma to Resilience and Balance, Trauma and Addiction: Ending the Cycle of Pain Through Emotional Literacy, Heartwounds : The Impact of Unresolved Trauma and Grief on Relationships, Forgiving and Moving On , The Living Stage: A Step by Step Guide to Psychodrama and Experiential Therapy, The Magic of Forgiveness. She is also a Huffington Post blogger and a Thrive Global blogger. Her films and videos include The Process, A 73 Minute award-winning docudrama that uses Psychodrama to tell stories of addicts; Adult Children of Alcoholics, Trauma and The Body: A Psychodramatic Approach and Healing Childhood Abuse through Psychodrama. She is also a certified Montessori teacher and a Senior Fellow at The Meadows. For more information about Dr. Dayton, visit www.tiandayton.com

Mentioned in this Episode

Emotional Sobriety, Book by Tian Dayton

ACoA Trauma Syndrome, Book by Tian Dayton

I’ll Quit Tomorrow, Book by Vernon Johnson

ACoA or ACA

ACA Laundry List

Eugene O’Neill – “The past becomes the present.”

ACES Study

Dr. Rob Anda (ACES Study)

12 Step Programs

THRIVE workshop at The Meadows

Survivors workshops at The Meadows

Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse (Family Roles)

Psychodrama

Addiction and Recovery Resources

Reliable resources for learning more about addiction and finding help for yourself, a friend, or a family member.

General Information about Addiction

SAMHSA – Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Association

Facing Addiction

Shatterproof

For People with Substance Addictions

Alcoholics Anonymous

Narcotics Anonymous

SMART Recovery

For Families and Friends of People with Substance Addictions

Al-Anon

SMART Recovery Family and Friends

Adult Children of Alcoholics

Partnership for Drug-Free Kids

Network of Independent Interventionists

Association of Intervention Specialists

The post Episode 29: All in the Fam Damily – Dr. Tian Dayton on Emotional Sobriety and Adult Children of Addicted Families appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Humans have been suffering from and dying from addiction for hundreds of years, but in many ways we are still baffled by how to treat it, diagnose it, or even talk about it.

Where to begin?

In this week’s National Recovery Month episode of The Man Rules podcast, Dr. Kevin McCauley joins host Dan Griffin to untangle some of the confusing paradoxes of addiction and recovery.

And if it’s an issue that you’re grappling with yourself – in whatever form – these practical and tactical tips might be a good place to start.

Practical & Tactical Tips

1. To prevent your brain from getting hijacked by addiction, practice good dopamine health. Examine your relationship with all manner of alluring substances and processes— even smartphones.
2. If you’re trying to help someone with an addiction, recognize that the way people who are addicted experience the world is different. Even if the solution to their problems seems simple to you, it is not so simple for them. Try to get them to a doctor, counselor, or therapist who specializes in addiction.
3. If you are struggling with addiction, know that social connectedness will help you get through the process of recovery. Clarifying your values, making amends, and repairing damage is an important part of recovery, and people who have been there before can help you with that.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About Our Guest

Kevin McCauley, MD was a Naval Flight Surgeon with the Third Marine Air Wing

when he became addicted to opioid pain relievers. Following his court-martial and incarceration at Fort Leavenworth and subsequent treatment he began lecturing on the neuroscience of addiction. He wrote and directed the film “Pleasure Unwoven” used by many treatment centers to explain the brain disease of addiction. Currently, he travels between his home in Honolulu and Utah where he is the Director of Program Services at New Roads Behavioral Health. He is also a Senior Fellow at The Meadows.

Mentioned on This Episode

2016 Men in Recovery Project (Video Series)

Everything You Think You Know About Addiction is Wrong (Johann Hari TED Talk)

How Science is Unlocking the Secrets of Addiction (National Geographic)

Carl Hart

Howard Wetsman, MD

Mark Gold, MD

ProtectingSobriety.com (The Institute for Addiction Study)

Pleasure Unwoven (Movie)

Memo to Self (Movie)

Addiction & Recovery Resources

Reliable resources for learning more about addiction and finding help for yourself, a friend, or a family member.

General Information about Addiction

SAMHSA – Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Association

Facing Addiction

Shatterproof

For People with Substance Addictions

Alcoholics Anonymous

Narcotics Anonymous

SMART Recovery

For Families and Friends of People with Substance Addictions

Al-Anon

SMART Recovery Family and Friends

Adult Children of Alcoholics

Partnership for Drug-Free Kids

Network of Independent Interventionists

Association of Intervention Specialists

The post Practical & Tactical Tips: Hey Addiction, WTF?! (Episode 27) appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Some people use every drug there is, and nothing happens. They can walk away. So why can’t those others? Are they just bad, selfish people who lack morals and values? Or, are they people struggling with a chronic illness?

Clear as mud.

With addiction currently affecting the lives of 23.5 million Americans— not counting the friends and family of those addicted, who are also deeply affected by the disease— how can we have so little clarity about what addiction actually is or how to “cure” it?

In this episode, Dr. Kevin McCauley, a former Naval flight surgeon who is himself in recovery from opioid addiction, explains how something as fundamental as human choice can become part of a disease process. In a refreshingly down-to-earth way, he explains how our brains respond to the most enticing of human phenomena, pleasurable experiences, and how the system that creates those experiences can break, leading to addiction— Sometimes. Hey addiction! Seriously, WTF!

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About Our Guest

Kevin McCauley, MD was a Naval Flight Surgeon with the Third Marine Air Wing

when he became addicted to opioid pain relievers. Following his court-martial and incarceration at Fort Leavenworth and subsequent treatment he began lecturing on the neuroscience of addiction. He wrote and directed the film “Pleasure Unwoven” used by many treatment centers to explain the brain disease of addiction. Currently, he travels between his home in Honolulu and Utah where he is the Director of Program Services at New Roads Behavioral Health. He is also a Senior Fellow at The Meadows.

Mentioned on This Episode

2016 Men in Recovery Project (Video Series)

Everything You Think You Know About Addiction is Wrong (Johann Hari TED Talk)

How Science is Unlocking the Secrets of Addiction (National Geographic)

Carl Hart

Howard Wetsman, MD

Mark Gold, MD

ProtectingSobriety.com (The Institute for Addiction Study)

Pleasure Unwoven (Movie)

Memo to Self (Movie)

Addiction & Recovery Resources

Reliable resources for learning more about addiction and finding help for yourself, a friend, or a family member.

General Information about Addiction

SAMHSA – Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Association

Facing Addiction

Shatterproof

For People with Substance Addictions

Alcoholics Anonymous

Narcotics Anonymous

SMART Recovery

For Families and Friends of People with Substance Addictions

Al-Anon

SMART Recovery Family and Friends

Adult Children of Alcoholics

Partnership for Drug-Free Kids

Network of Independent Interventionists

Association of Intervention Specialists

The post Episode 27: Hey, Addiction! WTF? appeared first on Dan Griffin.

If you’re one of the lucky six out of seven, most of the stories you’ve heard about addiction are probably tragic. Advocacy organizations and government agencies often gather up their sobering statistics, like the one we shared above, and toss them out to the news media, with the hope that spreading the word about the dangers of the disease might help prevent more people from succumbing to addiction, and might garner more support for research and treatment from the general public. These are worthy goals, the pain and tragedy of addiction is real, and those stories need to be told— But, it’s only one side of the story.

In honor of National Recovery Month, we’ll be exploring the other side of the story. There are millions of people, like Dan, for whom recovery from addiction is an everyday part of life. They are people who have been able to free themselves from what once seemed a very hopeless situation. People who have helped restore their families by clearing a path to healing. People who are making larger contributions to their communities.

Everyone knows someone who suffers from a substance use disorder. And, chances are, if you are not in recovery yourself, you know someone who is. Even if you feel pretty certain that you don’t know anyone in recovery— trust us—you probably do. (Those 12-step programs all have the word “Anonymous” in their names for a reason.) That is what we are celebrating this month.

When you start to consider how many addicted people have found a way to beat the odds and live happy, full, productive, and joyful lives in spite of their struggles, the story of addiction becomes one of triumph rather than tragedy.
To help us celebrate National Recovery Month, go to Dan’s Facebook page and share your own story of recovery, if you have one. Let people who are currently in the throes of their addictions know that there is hope. Recovery is a reality for millions in our country and we want to make sure that reality outshines our society’s seeming obsession with addiction and the often sad truth of its destruction. For this month, let’s make the celebration of recovery the loudest message and let it ring throughout the rest of the year.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About The Man Rules Podcast Host, Dan Griffin

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. His work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. His professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous. Dan grew up in the DC area and lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Nancy, and his daughter, Grace, and has been in long-term recovery from addiction since he graduated college in May of 1994.

Resources

Facing Addiction

Faces of Voices of Recovery

A Man’s Way Through Relationships

A Man’s Way Through The 12 Steps

Helping Men Recover

Griffin Recovery Enterprises

The Meadows Senior Fellows

The post Episode 25: I Learned It By Watching You – Dan on the Realities of Addiction & Recovery appeared first on Dan Griffin.

John Lee has been at the forefront of the movement to help men with their health, psychological and spiritual well-being and recovery for decades. He has written 23 books on men’s issues, recovery, anger, grief, relationship, creativity, and spirituality. He has taught his techniques and theories to thousands of individuals, couples, families, groups, corporations, and therapists all over the world.

There are a handful of men that we can point to and thank for having the courage to challenge The Man Rules long before it was safe enough or accepted as okay. John Lee is one of those men.

In this episode, Dan and John talk about the progress men have made in the last few decades. John talks fondly of the time he spent with Robert Bly, one of the true pioneers of looking differently at men’s lives and how the two of them had the privilege of being with hundreds and even thousands of men who were looking for a way out of the quiet desperation tearing their lives apart.

Dan and John cover a lot of material from the unfortunate portrayals of men in the media from idiot to hypermasculine warrior, the significance of the superhero resurrection, the importance of mentors, the lack of depth in many of today’s discussions about masculinity, and their hopes for the future.

The post Standing on the Shoulders of Giants – Episode 6 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

I have come to appreciate the depth of this particularly Promise. A picture that I love shows two scenes: one of Heaven and one of Hell. In Hell, everyone is seated at a table with grossly elongated spoons that they simply cannot fit into their mouths. In Heaven, everyone is seated at a very similar table with the same exact elongated spoons. The only difference? They are feeding one another from across the table. If you see the world as a place in which you never have enough, you will always be trying to meet your needs but without success. Seeking to fulfill only your needs is like digging a bottomless pit. There is no happiness to be found on that path. In reality, you have everything you need right now.

Of course, it is easy to say we have everything we need but truly believing it is another story. We have been programmed to want – more and more. We have been programmed to believe that we are somehow incomplete or less than if we do not have certain things. So long as I am in search of that which will make me happy and fill me up I am seeking on behalf of myself. It is through the program of recovery and learning to be of service that I get to discover the paradox that when I reach out to you, I get connection; when I give to you, I get; and when I seek to be of service to help you in your journey toward happiness, I am filled.

I often lose sight of this Promise because my default so often is to go to scarcity. But it is a truth – a truth that has saved me countless times over the years of my recovery. When I live in this I am much closer to being the person I was put on this earth to be.

The post Promise #8: Self Seeking will Slip Away appeared first on Dan Griffin.

The road to misery begins in the self. The discipline of working the Steps and applying the principles to our lives teach us how to be selfless in our service to others. What does it mean to be of service? Being of service is sacrificing our immediate needs and wants in order to serve a greater purpose. Every time I do this – without exception – I forget about myself and my petty, annoying, and peevish problems. One of the best, and probably hardest, ways to be of service is to go out of our way for others – with no expectation of acknowledgment or reward.  Maybe we even do it anonymously. But in recovery something happens – sometimes in spite of ourselves – and we lose interest in our selfish pursuits and gain interest in our fellows. We realize that the freedom of recovery lies in our commitment to service and that which is bigger than us. We are not saints, however, as they say; it often takes a long time to eliminate all of the cancer of self-centeredness. But we grow and our world expands as we join hands with those around us. We get to be a part of the community once again.

The post Promise #7: We Will Lose Interest in Selfish Things appeared first on Dan Griffin.

There was one population, though, for whom I didn’t really get any specific instruction or support—men. At the time, I didn’t think too much about it; But, eventually, I started thinking about men and how we are and are not served by current service delivery systems.

After 7 years of presenting and training people, I am far from the only counselor who never got any instruction. In fact, it’s rare for me to meet anyone who got specialized training on men. Women? You bet. That’s because, as we all know, women are a special population. Men, however, are not because everything is already about men. All the norms have been set based on men. All the systems have been designed by men. Or so I have been told for years now. Men are the default. Plus, we all know, that men are not that complicated.

Right?

To me the question is ridiculous, and the answer is obvious. Of course men are much more complicated than we give them credit for, and our failure to recognize that has negative impact on how men are treated in various systems of treatment.

I will never forget the person who came to a Griffin Recovery Enterprises training several years ago who had to come without their supervisor’s approval. They had to take vacation time to be at our training on men and trauma. Why? Because in their supervisor’s words: “Trauma is not a big issue for men.”

While my work has become increasingly more accepted and sought after, there is still an overwhelming amount of opportunity to educate and raise awareness about men and the impact of trauma. And, I am far from the only one out there saying we need to do more for men. There are wonderful clinicians and academicians all over the country challenging service providers and even systems.

However, even with all of those efforts the vast majority of people graduating with any degree related to treatment services—from bachelors to Ph.D—.are still not being given any formal training on working with men as a special population. Most people graduating with LCPs, MSWs, MFTs, and PsyDs were never challenged to look deeply at how male socialization significantly impacts a man’s ability to engage in therapy and in relationships in general.

It seems crazy given how large of a population of men go through treatment each year that we have never really taken a hard look at treatment services for men. Is this really what men need? Is this really what is best for men? Add to that other addictive disorders, mental health treatment, and various forms of therapy and men are a huge percentage of those taking advantage of services. Yet nobody seems to ask a very simple question: Have the services really been designed for men?

I will be delivering a keynote on March 21st at Torrance Memorial Hospital entitled: It’s Us, Not Them. The premise is simple yet profound: the problem engaging men in addiction and mental health treatment has much less to do with their ability or willingness to engage in services, and nearly everything to do with the services themselves.

We have spent years questioning, challenging, and even blaming men; but, we have not questioned, challenged, or even blamed the services themselves! The dominant belief still is that men don’t want help and are therapy-averse. I am far from convinced of that. I believe that if we don’t take a hard look at the services we provide and become aware of the biases driving them, we will never know what men respond to the best, or what kinds of transformations are really possible.

This past weekend I led my first A Man’s Way workshop for professionals at the Rio Retreat Center at The Meadows. It was an amazing experience. Nine people (6 men and 3 women), with anywhere from 3 to 30+ years of experience in therapeutic services, showed up without being really sure about what was going to happen. It was part experiential and part instructive.

What has become clear to me over the years is that our ideas about men deeply affect how well we are able to engage with men clinically and relationally. I have worked hard to develop models for helping people see the biases they had no idea they even had. I built the three-day, A Man’s Way workshop around those models. We look at The Man Rules and how those fairly obvious constructs run deep into the psyche of most boys and men and profoundly impact our experiences of trauma, sex and sexuality, relationships, and spirituality.

Inevitably we get to look at our own trauma and shame and how they have influenced how we work with and relate to men. It is powerful work. The greatest complement to our collective efforts is that we all talked about seeing clear opportunities to do more work and get additional therapy. Yes, me too!

If you are interested, I will be leading another A Man’s Way workshop for behavioral health professionals April 28-30. There are still some spots available. It is an honor to be able to work with The Meadows in developing this workshop who has created a really great deal—one third off the usual price— in an effort to show its support for this one-of-a-kind opportunity. You can’t find this program anywhere else in the country!

You can find out how to register HERE.

The post A Man’s Way Workshop appeared first on Dan Griffin.

The road to misery begins in the self. The discipline of working the Steps and applying the principles to our lives teach us how to be selfless in our service to others. What does it mean to be of service? Being of service is sacrificing our immediate needs and wants in order to serve a greater purpose. Every time I do this – without exception – I forget about myself and my petty, annoying, and peevish problems. One of the best, and probably hardest, ways to be of service is to go out of our way for others – with no expectation of acknowledgment or reward.  Maybe we even do it anonymously. But in recovery something happens – sometimes in spite of ourselves – and we lose interest in our selfish pursuits and gain interest in our fellows. We realize that the freedom of recovery lies in our commitment to service and that which is bigger than us. We are not saints, however, as they say; it often takes a long time to eliminate all of the cancer of self-centeredness. But we grow and our world expands as we join hands with those around us. We get to be a part of the community once again.

The post Promise #7: We will lose interest in selfish things appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Promise #2: We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness

As a result of recovery, I am free to live my life the way I see fit and I do not have to let others or society –even my recovery community – tell me what that has to be. I can choose each action I take and I can be responsible for every action and its consequence. And because of thatfreedom I am able to be a part of the human community in a way that I never thought possible. And thatfreedom has been one of the keys to me finding a happiness that is lasting.

The problem is that it seems not a lot of people today know what happiness is. Or perhaps said better – know what will truly make us happy. We feel a fleeting rush and confuse that with happiness. We give others the power to make us happy – and therefore also the power to make us miserable. We believe that satisfying the bottomless desires within us will bring us happiness. We think happiness is something we should just expect and are disappointed, and even resentful, when it does not come to us as a gift from the Heavens. “After all,” we say “I am sober…don’t I deserve happiness?” As if happiness is an entitlement. The founding fathers of American democracy talked about the pursuit of happiness as an inalienable right. But happiness itself? Well, nobody ever promised us rose gardens despite so many of us in recovery seeming to think that. I know I did for the longest time of my recovery. Of course, most of us have one thing going for us when it comes to the proverbial garden – a bounty of fertilizer!

What has been most difficult has been admitting when I am not happy. It almost feels there is this unspoken obligation to be happy in recovery – paint on a happy face. I see it all of the time – as if having problems or being unhappy somehow means you are not doing your recovery “right.” I can’t count how many men I have spoken to with years of recovery who have come to believe that there is something wrong with them talking about their pain because they have 20….30…even 40 years of sobriety. Just the other day I had breakfast with just such a man – with forty years and when he faced incredible adversity at 35 years he had convinced himself that he was supposed to be the elder and being the elder meant he wasn’t only free from problems but superhuman.

I have spoken with others who feel like they are breaking some unwritten rule if they talk about wanting to use or act out with their addiction after they have been sober a certain amount of time. Just another kind of insanity. All of this is ego. And pride. And….BS! There is no freedom when we feel like we have to put on an act in order to fit in the one place that is supposed to be safe enough for us to show up however we need to. There is nothing that is more valuable than us having a place where we can be authentic. When we don’t have that, what have we got? I don’t know about you but painting on that happy face gets me drunk – after I have decimated every relationship that means anything to me. Sad but true.

In my tenth year of sobriety I admitted I was not very happy in most of the areas of my life. As a result I was exposed to the possibility of true happiness. I gave myself permission to stop pretending. Again. When I was desperate in that first year I did not care about fitting in because I was desperate to learn how to live. Plus, I was still convinced deep in my heart that I did not fit in. At ten years it was different and it strengthened my muscles enough so that I was able to do it again at fifteen years and even seventeen years. Today, I do know anew happiness, and that it comes through the “right living” laid out in the Twelve Steps – and that happiness is not an end in itself. That facing my unhappiness creates space for my happiness to deepen and to be longer lasting. The true freedom has come in realizing that I will not always be happy and I do not have to pretend.

There is nothing wrong with being unhappy – it is what makes happiness meaningful. There is something very liberating when you come to realize that you are as free to be unhappy as you are to be happy.

The post Promise #2: A New Freedom and A New Happiness appeared first on Dan Griffin.

When we are painstaking, or careful and diligent in our attempt, it means that through the pain, disappointment, and suffering we experience in the crucible of our recovery, we do not give up. We have some faith that this is not wasted effort – there is a higher purpose to which we are dedicating our efforts. We pick up the phone instead of dancing one more time on the edge with the addiction that was destroying our lives. We ask for help instead of isolating ourselves or pretending we are not in pain. We tell on ourselves to our sponsor or in a meeting, even if it means our voice is shaking and our heart is ready to jump out of our chest. Regardless of how much sobriety we have we tell the truth about ourselves and risk being known. We do this because we have already been amazed. We know that we have been offered a way out that we, alone, could never have found. And cannot keep if we do not give it away. We know that this pain – the pain of redemption and repairing our wounds and the wounds of others got in the middle of our affair with self-destruction – has a purpose.

The Promises are not static they live in the present moment. Whatever phase of growth and development we are in – and if we are painstaking about our efforts – we will be amazed before we are halfway through. There is when we are halfway through with our amends but it does not end there. There is no clear marker telling us when we are halfway but if you believe, as I believe, that the Promises apply to Life then “the halfway point” is constantly moving.

As we set out upon the path and trudge our way to happy destiny, we will be amazed at the vision of the mountaintop from miles away. We rest and take in the beauty of this glorious site of God’s creation. And then, we return to the stony path and continue to trudge, knowing that, as breathtaking as the sight is, it is the journey itself which is the greatest reward. It doesn’t even matter if we make it there. Perhaps, it is another mountain to which we are headed. It simply doesn’t matter because it is the amazement that moves us forward and our ability to drink deeply from the marrow of the present moment. Nothing else matters. Nothing else is necessary. In fact, nothing else is. All we have is Now. It is all amazing if we just pay attention.

The post Promise #1: If we are painstaking about this phase of our development appeared first on Dan Griffin.

One of the great Man Rules is: Don’t feel. Of course, it is actually men aren’t allowed to feel anything other than anger. It is not manly to express the “softer” feelings. We learn it very early and often brutally and that training lasts a very long time. And takes a very long time to unlearn. Some people even think it is just how men are: we simply don’t have those feelings. I fundamentally disagree with that and the men in recovery I know and love have shown me otherwise.

In the last few years, I have discovered an important fact. In recovery we talk about how feelings are not facts. This is true. Feelings are also genderless. What does that mean? Assigning gender to specific feelings is something I was guilty of in my first book, and is something that our culture does to boys and men starting at a very early age. It is the essence of the Water I talked about earlier. Unintentionally, I perpetuated the idea that feelings such as hurt, sadness, and fear are feminine. But if men and women and boys and girls all have those feelings, how can they be masculine or feminine? Feelings are universal; they have no gender. You may not be aware of them right now because you have been trained through the Rules not to recognize them. And if you do recognize them, you are prohibited from acknowledging them to others. But as we continue to evolve as humans and grow in our recovery, we become more aware of all of our feelings. They are part of our life experience. As Ed said previously, “To feel is to be alive.”

My challenge, and the challenge of a lot of the men I spoke with for this book, is accepting and expressing my feelings. How comfortable are you telling your partner that your feelings are hurt? I had specific patterns of interaction in my romantic relationships when they did something and my feelings were hurt. All I had to do was say, “That hurt my feelings,” or “That hurt,” or even simply say, “Ouch.” Instead, how did I behave? First, I acted offended. Then, I began to raise my voice. I would attack them with criticism. Were they guilty? Absolutely, but mostly guilty of being human. I felt hurt and I could not bear to admit it. The discomfort and shame I felt would not allow me to simply hold the feeling. I would start a fight rather than admit my feelings were hurt. How many times have you done something similar?

So that is a big part of the work in front of us. Our partners do not necessarily have any idea of the emotions going on inside of us when all we show them is stoicism, sarcasm, and anger. Yet, we have not only not learned how to show those emotions but we have learned not to show them. They are a sign of weakness. They will lead to our being taken advantage of. Hurt. Abandoned. We come to believe that they will lead to our undoing. And so we hide them deep away inside of us. The truth is, however, they are the key that unlocks not only our hearts but the hearts of all of those we love.

The post Manly Feelings appeared first on Dan Griffin.

My wife, Nancy, and I were talking the other night and she asked me: “Is there anything positive about shame?” I am not sure if there is. Some people say there is a healthy shame that is different from toxic shame. But there is no question that shame destroys men’s lives – piecemeal. We act out of shame, suffer consequences in our relationships, and continue to act out as the shame keeps us isolated, separated and lost in our secrets. And when men’s lives are destroyed women’s and children’s lives are often part of the collateral damage. Every time we share a secret or a part of ourselves we have been hiding, we move further from shame and take one more step into the community.

Stand tall knowing that you have been willing to take responsibility for the pain you have caused in your community. Despite what we have done we belong. There is nothing – absolutely nothing – we can do to lose our divine birthright as God’s children. And so, this prelude to the Promises is what tells us that, despite everything that we have done, we deserve the Promises to come true in our lives as much as anyone. Not only that but they will come true in our lives just as they will come true in anyone’s life. And that is a tough thing for many of us to believe. It is a lot easier to believe that we are irreparably broken as we are hounded by the lies that shame is constantly whispering in our ears – and sometimes even screaming at us underneath the smiling facade we present to the rest of the world. But you belong – and you deserve to be a part of the community. You always have.

The post We Don’t Crawl Before Anyone appeared first on Dan Griffin.

The role of trauma in men’s relationships is interesting – to say the least.  What is so difficult about it is how hidden it can be. I have learned a lot about trauma in the past decade. Before then, despite being over ten years in recovery, it simply was not on my radar. At least not as an issue that affected so many men as I now believe it does. And, perhaps most importantly, not an issue that had affected me so much!

Something you will hear from me over and over again is: “The best way for a man not to have trauma, is to simply say ‘I don’t have trauma.’” That, of course, does not make that statement true. I have no doubt that trauma is at the heart of a many a man’s failed relationships. The worst part: he just doesn’t know that.  The thing you have to always remember is that men are not socialized to see their experiences as trauma or to have an accurate perception of what trauma even is.

Until you have quietly reflected on this issue and looked into it at some length with an open mind, you may not know whether or not you have experienced any trauma. What I can say is that I know far too many men who have lived with trauma for many years of their recovery with no awareness that trauma was at the root of their suffering and feelings of disconnection. Do not let contempt prior to investigation prevent you from exploring something that could offer you a degree of peace and freedom you never thought possible.

The challenge a lot of men have is that they do not necessarily see their experiences as traumatic because they compare them to other people’s traumas—what they might consider “real” or more serious trauma. Many men probably look at their traumatic experiences in hindsight with an adult’s understanding, saying to themselves something to the effect of “I see how this could be traumatic for a six-year-old, but I am forty years old now and it’s not a big deal. I am over it. That was a long time ago.” That is the danger. Our brain, particularly our brain’s limbic system, does not care about our age, then or now. And it maintains the emotional memories of those experiences, no matter how long ago they occurred. That is why people’s trauma reactions can be triggered so long after the original events took place. Our bodies also carry the memories of traumatic events, and we may have physiological reactions to external stimuli without realizing that this is a common trauma response.

The challenge for us men is that given how difficult it can be for us to be emotionally aware or engaged is that trauma can drive much of our behavior and we do not even realize it is happening. It eats away at our relationships, from the inside and we think it is everything and everyone else. Before we know it the relationship has fallen apart, the marriage is over, the man is in jail for abusing his partner, his addiction has gotten even more out of control, and/or he has even taken his life. He sits there scratching his head wondering why it is hard for him to connect. Why is it so hard for him to be able to keep a relationship together? Why, when his heart seems to want it more than anything, is it so hard to love and be loved?

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The Promises have a special place in my heart simply because of the role that they have played in my life. Yes, it is true these are only some of the many promises in the Big Book; though, it is also true that nowhere else in the Big Book are there twelve promises presented in such a beautiful vision of what is waiting for you in sobriety. The Promises hold such a valuable place for so many men and our recovery in the twelve step community because of the powerful statement of hope that they offer. In the context of the Big Book, The Promises begin to play a role when you are making your Step Nine amends. What is more humbling than the first time you approach those you have harmed and offer your sincere apologies in the spirit of peace and personal accountability? For men in our culture, admitting to mistakes seems like admitting that we are “weak”. The ability to be humble with others, however, is the mark of a real man.

When I was young and just coming into recovery, I read these words on pages 83 and 84 and saw for the first time what my life could be some day. In the midst of my deep insecurity, shame, fear, and hopelessness, these words were a beacon shining through the mist and rain. I took very seriously the fact that they are called the Promises, not the Maybes or the Might Happens. I went to meetings where men and women talked about how The Promises had come true in their life and so I held onto them as a covenant between me and the fellowship. They can come true for you, too.

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