Listeners of The Man Rules podcast tend to be types who, in one way or another, want to live better. They want to free themselves from the limitations placed on them by society’s rules for how men should behave. They want to move beyond the fears and emotional barriers that keep them disconnected from others. They want to move beyond addiction, shame, trauma, and self-doubt and live life as consciously and completely as they can.

All of this takes work. A lot of work. Constant, daily, continuous work. And work–well–sometimes it sucks. Although the work we’re talking about on our show comes with many invaluable rewards, you can still get burnt out by sometimes. That’s why, as Dan explains in this solo episode, it’s important to give yourself a break, in order to prevent yourself from giving up.

The post What to Do When You’re Sick of It appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Okay, you’ve requested your time off from the boss, booked the plane tickets, sent the cards, bought the presents, and baked the cookies –or completed any number of your traditional holiday tasks. So, you may think that you’re ready for the holidays.

But, we say, you’re not really ready until you’ve heard Allen Berger’s 12 Stupid Things You Can Do to Mess Up the Holidays. Nothing like the holidays to push and pull us in all sorts of emotional directions, often like we’re just along for the ride.

But not this time! This time we’re goin’ in ready and armed. With awareness. This exhaustive list from our good friend Dr. Allen Berger tells you everything you DON’T want to do this holiday season. Listen on for some great tips and reminders on how to get through the holidays without making a mess! It really is possible. SPOILER ALERT: Print these out or put them in your phone. You’ll want to have them easily accessible.

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This post is being brought to you from the great city of Indianapolis, where Producer Andrea lives. For those who are unfamiliar, the Indy 500 is a race where odd looking vehicles with really big tires whip around a circular track at alarming speeds— often more than 200 mph. The aim is to be the first driver to complete 500 laps around the circle. There’s money, prestige, and fame at stake so, of course, all of the drivers are desperate to win. It’s pretty exciting stuff.

But for many people, (Producer Andrea included), the most interesting thing about the race isn’t the race itself. It’s the pit stops.   

Isn’t it amazing that in a race where the goal is to drive, drive, drive as fast as you can, and be the first and the best, THE CARS HAVE TO STOP SOMETIMES? Can you imagine being an Indy Car driver, full of adrenaline and dopamine, with the words “Go, Go, Go!” crying out from the depths of your soul, having to make a conscious decision, often 2 or 3 times during the race, to stop? Can you imagine trying to convince yourself that stopping, even for only 8 seconds, would not put you at a serious disadvantage in a race where milliseconds matter? Can you imagine the temptation they must feel to just ignore the advice of their race team and just keep going?  

(Do you see where we’re going with this analogy-wise?)

How do you feel when you read the following words? SELF CARE. Does it sound like something a woman made up–possibly Oprah? Does it sound like something only women are allowed to do? Does it sound like something that might be nice for other people, but just isn’t a luxury you can afford right now as you’re trying to get that promotion, or get that person to marry you, or get your kids into that great school, etc, etc, etc?

Imagine you’re an Indy Car driver. Imagine hearing your crew manager say through your radio, “Hey, man. You need to stop for new tires and some fuel and an adjustment of your flex capacitor.” (or whatever.) Imagine saying to him, “Yeah, that would be nice, I guess, but I just can’t stop right now… I’m in third place! Only a few laps to go! I can totally push through.”

Imagine what happens next. (Hint: A tire falls off as you’re speeding along, you spin out of control, hit a few other cars that trying to speed past you, cause them to spin out of control and hit other cars, crash, bang, fires, disaster.)

Self care isn’t bubble baths, pints of ice cream and Netflix binges; it’s a stop for needed maintenance. It’s a prevention of wear and tear on your vehicle. It keeps you in the race.

In this episode, Tim Harrington stops by to talk to Dan, not about the Indy 500, but about scheduled maintenance for your soul. (a.k.a. Self Care.) He offers up a number of great suggestions for how to do self care in a way that leads to lasting growth and change. Check it out, and stay tuned for future updates from Tim as he takes his family on the road…

The post Scheduled Maintenance For Your Soul appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Everyone looks forward to summer vacation! That is, until it’s actually time to go. That’s when the expectations you’ve had for the perfect, blissful family getaway meet reality. Unless you’re traveling solo to a remote, private tropical island and have no responsibilities or obligations to contend with at home–and if so, who are you and how do you do it?– you’re bound to run into some stress and disappointment before, during, and after your trip.

In this episode, Dan checks in from his current vacation to offer some tips on how to manage the inevitable rough patches and get the most from your trip. Learn how emotional baggage, family roles, and gender roles can all play a part in turning your dream vacation into a nightmare. Also, get some tips and reminders on how you can take care of yourself while traveling so that your trip has better chance of being memorable because of the all things that went right, rather than all the went wrong.

About Dan Griffin

The post Need a Vacation From Your Vacation? appeared first on Dan Griffin.

The first phase in bringing about positive change is raising awareness. (In other words, the first step is recognizing and admitting that there is a problem.) So, this month, and every month, we’re bringing your awareness to articles, studies, and podcasts that shine a light on the unique struggles men face in today’s society.

Men Need Self-Care Too

Unfortunately, the phrase “self-care” has been reduced to little more than an advertising buzzword. It’s used over and over to try to sell spa packages, candles, and Yoga classes to women. This week, Popular Science magazine reminds us that self-care is about more than manicures and expensive vacations. AND, that it’s not just for wealthy white women…

• People who need self-care the most aren’t getting it. Just ask a trucker. – PopSci.com

Support for Men with Cheating Spouses

We love “Thanks for Sharing” podcast hosts Jackie P. and Jon T. Whether you’re a person in recovery or just a person struggling to carry your own emotional baggage (i.e. everyone), each time you listen to their podcast you walk away feeling less alone. And, they are definitely woke— as the kids say these days— to The Man Rules. (Not to brag or anything, but they did even have Dan on as a guest once…)   

In this episode, they aim their compassion and understanding toward male partners of sex addicts. Note: This means that women can be sex addicts— Shocker!

They point out all the ways in which The Man Rules discourage men from seeking support for the often devastating experience of being cheated on by a spouse or partner. Although the discussion focuses specifically on men with female partners who identify as sex addicts, the same principles can apply to any man who has experienced the pain of learning that the person he loves has been unfaithful.

• Male Partners of Sex Addicts – Thanks for Sharing podcast

Male Survivors of Sexual Assault Are Breaking the Silence

“But as any Freudian will tell you trauma is stronger than any mask; it can’t be buried and it can’t be killed. It’s the revenant that won’t stop, the ghost that’s always coming for you.”

Every attempt we’ve made to write a summary of best-selling author Junot Díaz’s devastating yet inspiring essay has failed miserably to capture its power and significance. So, please, just go read it, let it sink into your bones, and it let spur you into action on behalf of male survivors of childhood trauma.

But we want to be very clear: you can heal from trauma. The ghosts haunting you can be tamed. The narrative of your life can be rewritten. We have to tell the stories so the voiceless have a voice and The Man Rules have less of a stranglehold on the hearts of men. We honor Mr. Diaz for his courage.

• The Silence: The Legacy of Childhood Trauma by Junot Díaz writing for The New Yorker

Send Us Your Favorite Links!

Have you run across a great article, study, or podcast that changed the way you think about men and relationships? Email it to [email protected] or tweet it @authordgriffin.

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I’m actually on vacation right now. As I write this. I have been paying attention to each and every one of these Rules for the past four days. Overall, I would give myself a B+.

The truth is that we go on vacation to disconnect from the distractions and busy-ness of our lives but that is easier said than done. We want to create a lifetime full of happy memories with our families and here are 7 Tips that will make it a little easier:

1.       Work will survive without you and you will survive without work – Men invest a lot of time in our professional identities and being successful. Vacation is about disconnecting from that obsession and investing in our identities as partners and fathers.

2.       TV is not a member of the family – the truth is TV and mobile devices have become a member of the family – a sometime annoying and intrusive member of the family. Distraction is a national epidemic. So, before going on vacation, be clear about how TV, email, mobile devices, and social media are going to fit in – set boundaries and clear expectations and stick to them.

3.       Your family really does want to be with you – For those families with teenagers this may seem hard to believe but it really is true. Men think they have to be Super-Dad or have some perfect performance. Not true. Your family wants you – so take the time to be connect and be your authentic self. That’s the man they want.

4.       Be present with your family – This is the essence of it all. How can men learn how to be more present and connected when a lot of the Man Rules are about disconnection? Here are 3 Quick Tips:

A. Again, be really clear about TV, email, and mobile devices fit into your vacation time.
B. Set up regular times to check in with your partner. Rate yourselves on a scale of 1 to 10 about
how stressed you are and figure out ways to support one another.
C. Set up regular times to check in with yourself. Take time to breathe and have time for
yourself. The truth is that self-care is at the core of all relationships – and it is true for men as
much as it is for women.

5.       There is no “I” in vacation – It’s not about us; it’s about our families. Create a vacation that will be fun for everyone. Yes, we may miss out on the awesome round of golf or some others dream activity but we tell our families how important spending time with them is to us.

6.       The vacation doesn’t have to be in a spectacular location – One word: staycation. How much pressure do men put on themselves to afford the perfect vacation? You don’t have to go to Disneyland or Hawaii to have a great time with your family. It is about connect and making happy family memories.

7.       Take a map! – We are notorious for not asking for directions. We have great intentions for every vacation we go on with our families. When we make a plan and stick to it we are much more likely to make those intentions a reality!

So as you plan your next amazing family adventure keep these 7 tips in mind and you are sure to create happy memories to last a lifetime.

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