The first phase in bringing about positive change is raising awareness. (In other words, the first step is recognizing and admitting that there is a problem.) So, this month, and every month, we’re bringing your awareness to articles, studies, and podcasts that shine a light on the unique struggles men face in today’s society.

Men Need Self-Care Too

Unfortunately, the phrase “self-care” has been reduced to little more than an advertising buzzword. It’s used over and over to try to sell spa packages, candles, and Yoga classes to women. This week, Popular Science magazine reminds us that self-care is about more than manicures and expensive vacations. AND, that it’s not just for wealthy white women…

• People who need self-care the most aren’t getting it. Just ask a trucker. – PopSci.com

Support for Men with Cheating Spouses

We love “Thanks for Sharing” podcast hosts Jackie P. and Jon T. Whether you’re a person in recovery or just a person struggling to carry your own emotional baggage (i.e. everyone), each time you listen to their podcast you walk away feeling less alone. And, they are definitely woke— as the kids say these days— to The Man Rules. (Not to brag or anything, but they did even have Dan on as a guest once…)   

In this episode, they aim their compassion and understanding toward male partners of sex addicts. Note: This means that women can be sex addicts— Shocker!

They point out all the ways in which The Man Rules discourage men from seeking support for the often devastating experience of being cheated on by a spouse or partner. Although the discussion focuses specifically on men with female partners who identify as sex addicts, the same principles can apply to any man who has experienced the pain of learning that the person he loves has been unfaithful.

• Male Partners of Sex Addicts – Thanks for Sharing podcast

Male Survivors of Sexual Assault Are Breaking the Silence

“But as any Freudian will tell you trauma is stronger than any mask; it can’t be buried and it can’t be killed. It’s the revenant that won’t stop, the ghost that’s always coming for you.”

Every attempt we’ve made to write a summary of best-selling author Junot Díaz’s devastating yet inspiring essay has failed miserably to capture its power and significance. So, please, just go read it, let it sink into your bones, and it let spur you into action on behalf of male survivors of childhood trauma.

But we want to be very clear: you can heal from trauma. The ghosts haunting you can be tamed. The narrative of your life can be rewritten. We have to tell the stories so the voiceless have a voice and The Man Rules have less of a stranglehold on the hearts of men. We honor Mr. Diaz for his courage.

• The Silence: The Legacy of Childhood Trauma by Junot Díaz writing for The New Yorker

Send Us Your Favorite Links!

Have you run across a great article, study, or podcast that changed the way you think about men and relationships? Email it to [email protected] or tweet it @authordgriffin.

The post Consciousness Raising: April 2018 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

“Things can be true on one level, and on another, not true at all. Wisdom is to know how to hear and see on different levels at the same time.”  – Richard Rohr

Let’s think about the typical life cycle of a public sexual misconduct allegation. The conversation that surrounds each accusation tends to center around what’s right and what’s wrong. We want–no, we need–clear answers. Was it a harmless joke? Or, was it a clear violation of sexual boundaries? Is it right to fire him over that? Is it wrong to suspect the victim may be exaggerating? Is going to “sex addiction treatment” just a way for the perpetrator to try to shirk responsibility for his actions? What if the perpetrator isn’t a man? What if the victim isn’t a woman?

Dr. Alexandra Katehakis returns to the show to help Dan finally and definitively answer all of these questions—JUST KIDDING! There, of course, are no definitive answers to these questions. That’s one of the many things that makes this gender-based cultural upheaval extremely confusing and sometimes painful. While at the extreme ends of the sexual misconduct spectrum, we can clearly label some people as criminals and others as victims, there’s a lot of room in between for varying degrees of nuance.

Though Alex and Dan don’t provide us with all the answers, they do make a convincing case for embracing the chaos in a way that forces us to be more honest with ourselves and with each other, and for seizing the opportunity to have these conversations in our homes, workplaces, churches, and schools, so that we can build a better future based on true gender equality. 

Resources

If you have questions about sexual disorders or want to get some some perspective on the current public conversations around gender and sexuality, you can call the Center for Healthy Sex at 310-843-3902.

Practical and Tactical

1. Keep conversations about sex and sexuality out of the workplace. When in doubt err on the side of caution— especially right now.
2. Talk to your sons about what it means to be male in this culture and how to behave appropriately. And, talk to your daughters about boundaries. Take these community conversations into churches, PTAs, and communities. Just the act of having a dialogue starts to stretch our minds.
3. Just try to be more conscientious as you walk through your days.

About Our Guest

Alex Katehakis is a licensed Marriage, Family Therapist, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist in Los Angeles. She has extensive experience in working with a full spectrum of sexuality from sexual addiction to sex therapy, and problems of sexual desire and sexual dysfunction for individuals and couples. Alex has successfully facilitated the recovery of many sexually addicted individuals and assisted couples in revitalizing their sex lives.

Dr. Katehakis is the Founder and Clinical Director of the Center for Healthy Sex in West Los Angeles, CA. She has lectured for the U.S. Journal Training Conference series, the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health, the UCLA Annual Attachment Conference, the Psychotherapy Networker Annual Conference, Women’s Association of Addiction Treatment, Mt. Sinai Medical School, AIDS Project LA, Eastern Group Psychotherapy Society, Phillips Graduate Institute and Pepperdine University. Dr. Katehakis earned her PhD from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in 2017.

Additionally, Alex appears as a regular guest sex expert every Friday on Dr. Drew Midday Live on KABC Talk Radio to discuss sex, addiction and sexuality. She has been a guest on several national radio programs and appeared on Voice America and WebMD, both live on-line Internet programs, as a sexual addiction expert. She is a regular guest blogger at Psychology Today, Huffington Post, PsychCentral and other websites. Alex teaches workshops on healthy sexuality in retreat settings and has been published in the Journal of Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity.

Mentioned in This Episode

The myth of the male bumbler

Last Man Standing

Tim Allen

Anthony Rapp

Terry Crews

Jay Z talks about going to therapy.

The post Episode 43: Dueling with Dualities appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Despite all the ways that sex continues to pervade our culture, research shows that the younger generations are having less actual, in-person sex than you might think. And those having sex might still feel like something’s missing.

This week, therapist and sex researcher Alexandra Katehakis, Ph.D, joins host Dan Griffin to explore the ways that honesty, vulnerability, and a little bit of self-exploration can do more for your sex life than any app.

If you’re ready to get started, try these easy tips.

Practical & Tactical Tips

1. Sit down with a piece of paper and ask yourself what you really like sexually. What’s true for you right now? What brings you pleasure? Don’t edit it and don’t judge it.
2. Vulnerability is highly attractive when, paradoxically, it’s coming from a place of strength, meaning that you have a sense of certainty about who you are. That kind of vulnerability allows you to take the risk of being honest with yourself and honest with your partner(s), which in turn, helps you grow yourself up sexually in ways that are novel, exciting, and deeply fulfilling.
3. Get clear about what you want in a relationship. As you start to move toward an intimate relationship with someone, pay attention to whether they are really present and receptive during sexual encounters, or if they are putting on an act. The keys to better sex and better relationships are awareness and appropriate action.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About Our Guest

Alexandra Katehakis is the Founder and Clinical Director of the Center for Healthy Sex in Los Angeles and the author of Erotic Intelligence: Igniting Hot, Healthy Sex While in Recovery from Sex Addiction,Sex Addiction as Affect Dysregulation: A Neurobiologically Informed Holistic Treatmentand co-author of the award-winning daily meditation book, Mirror of Intimacy: Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence and contributing author of the award-winning clinical textbook Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addicts. Katehakis is a clinical supervisor at American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists and clinical supervisor and member of the teaching faculty for the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP) a national certifying body for sex addiction therapists. She is a regular contributor to Psychology Today and The Huffington Post,as well as a prominent expert panelist at sexuality conferences and public events.

Mentioned In This Episode

Mirror of Intimacy, by Alexandra Katehakis

The Center for Healthy Sex

The post Practical & Tactical Tips: Sex Is A Crisis & An Opportunity (Episode 34) appeared first on Dan Griffin.

But is that really a good thing?

Dan sat down with Dr. Robert Jensen this week to explore the implications of porn for individuals and our culture at large, especially considering its role in male-dominated power systems.

“There’s nothing wrong with human beings using our creative capacities to explore the complexity of life …” Dr. Jensen says, “but there’s a difference between using our artisit and creative capacities and pornography.”

“It might be … that our sexual explorations are better conducted with real-live people and not through this mass-mediated channel.”

If you’re ready to reexamine your relationship with porn, these practical and tactical tips are a great star.

Practical & Tactical Tips

1. Instead of asking yourself what kind of man you want to be ask yourself what kind of human you want to be. Free yourself from worrying so much about what it means to be a man.
2. If you’re using porn, ask yourself why. Is something missing in your life or in your intimate relationships?  What are some ways you could find what you’re missing outside of pornography?
3. Think about what gets you aroused. Is it connected in some way to ideas of male power? What does that mean?

Listen the full episode here:

Please SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About Our Guest

Robert Jensen is a professor in the School of Journalism at the University of Texas at Austin and a board member of the Third Coast Activist Resource Center in Austin and the national group Culture Reframed. He is the author of The End of Patriarchy: Radical Feminism for Men (Spinifex Press, 2017). Jensen’s other books include Plain Radical: Living, Loving, and Learning to Leave the Planet Gracefully (Counterpoint/Soft Skull, 2015); Arguing for Our Lives: A User’s Guide to Constructive Dialogue (City Lights, 2013); All My Bones Shake: Seeking a Progressive Path to the Prophetic Voice, (Soft Skull Press, 2009); Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity (South End Press, 2007); The Heart of Whiteness: Confronting Race, Racism and White Privilege (City Lights, 2005); Citizens of the Empire: The Struggle to Claim Our Humanity (City Lights, 2004); and Writing Dissent: Taking Radical Ideas from the Margins to the Mainstream (Peter Lang, 2002). Jensen is also co-producer of the documentary film “Abe Osheroff: One Foot in the Grave, the Other Still Dancing” (Media Education Foundation, 2009), which chronicles the life and philosophy of the longtime radical activist.  An extended interview Jensen conducted with Osheroff is online . Jensen can be reached at [email protected] and his articles can be found online at http://robertwjensen.org/.

Mentioned in this Episode

Getting Off: Pornography and The End of Masculinity

The End of Patriarchy: Radical Feminism for Men

Candida Royalle

The post Practical & Tactical Tips: Power, Porn, and Patriarchy (Episode 20) appeared first on Dan Griffin.

The Power of Intimacy

Power is a very interesting phenomenon. I remember having numerous conversations about the complex intersection of power and relationships in graduate school. There was a lot of confusion as to what exactly power even is.

One of the most common misunderstandings about power is that it is a linear phenomenon. In fact, power comes at us from numerous sources all of the time.

The second most common misunderstanding is that power is a zero-sum game— either you have it or I have it. And whatever you have, I can’t have, and vice-versa. This fundamentally flawed way of thinking about power greatly impacts our experiences in relationships.

There are two main ways we experience power in our relationships: power with and power over (you have power over someone else or some else has power over you). The Man Rules say that real men have power and are never weak or powerless. Therefore, from a very early age, young boys are encouraged to find power over – power over others, power over their feelings, and power over themselves.

The Woman Rules say that women should be cooperative, passive, nurturing, selfless, and not too strong. Therefore, from a very early age, young girls are encouraged to find power with. Women are expected to share power with others even if it puts them at a disadvantage; even when it means they have to give up their own power.

And that is the rub in so many heterosexual relationships.

Making Peace with Power

You cannot have a relationship that doesn’t involve a complex interaction with power. What some people don’t often consider is that power can be healthy. In fact,  it is an essential part of the day-to-day human experience.

To help us explore the complexity of power in relationships, we can look to the classic Karpman drama triangle which illustrates the shifting, and sometimes destructive, roles of persecutor, rescuer, and victim that people play in relational conflicts. In this “drama triangle” each person involved in a conflict experiences and acts out all of these roles at different times. The role we take on can determine how we perceive our partners, interpret their behavior, and interact with them.

The reason these triangles arise, and often endure, is that each person, regardless of their role, finds that they get their unspoken, and often unconscious,  psychological needs met by playing these roles—roles which they most likely originally “perfected” through the power dynamic that played out within their family as a child.

Whether they play the victim or persecutor, or some combination of all three roles,  in the end, each person feels justified in acting upon their needs. Feeling satisfied, they often conveniently fail to acknowledge the dysfunctional ways they tend to go about getting their needs met, or the harm that is being done as a result to themselves, their partners, or any third parties (like children) who may be directly or indirectly involved in their conflict.

When there are times of disconnection in the relationship and even if, for whatever reason, there is a loss of respect between partners, intimacy can only be restored in the space of mutuality. We have to move away from the desire to have power over our partners toward the experience of having power with them. When we are able to uncover how our emotional needs arise from our childhood trauma, and release some of that pain, we have the ability to break free from the drama triangle and build an intimate and nurturing environment of mutual respect.

Is it easier to let our relationships fall into a series of power plays or to maintain a space of mutual respect? I would suggest the former. We have to build up our emotional and spiritual muscle in order to truly listen to our partners and maintain respect, especially when they are being their very human and imperfect selves and not doing what we want or being who we want them to be.

Finding The Power to Choose

What is the greatest crucible for us working out all of our childhood “stuff”? Our most intimate relationships, of course.

It is like a divine joke where God says, “Okay, so you find this person you really care about and want to love? Great! Now here is all of this pain and suffering from your past that you get to sort through with them. You will often take it out on them, blame them for it, and project it onto them, which will cause all kind of intense, painful conflicts!” Wow, thanks a lot. All of those childhood experiences are deeply related to how we bring power into our relationships.

And, when you add in sex addiction and/or love addiction with trauma and drama triangles? I believe the clinical response is: Ay-yi-yi.

At the core of most sex and love addiction is a profound difficulty achieving healthy intimacy because of attachment-related trauma. Said simply, individuals who engage in addictive or compulsive behaviors related to sex and relationships have a very hard time forming attachments to others in healthy ways. No wonder then, that we are likely to see even more intensely destructive behaviors when addiction takes the stage among the three bedevilments in the Karpman triangle.

The most essential tool for any kind of personal change is awareness. With awareness, you can begin to learn how to make a choice about what you will do and how you will react at any given moment.

What we know from years of working with people at The Meadows is that choice is not always easy to access. The powerful strings of the past can pull us back to our childish and often desperate attempts to find emotional safety. And, what can offer us a feeling of safety (or at least the illusion of safety?) Power. And all of us are guilty, numerous time throughout the life of a relationship, of misusing power.

Your limbic brain—the unconscious part of your brain that’s screaming at you to find safety—doesn’t care if you use this power in a healthy and affirming way or not – it just wants the feeling of safety. That need can be satisfied, temporarily, by displaying overt and aggressive power (as men often do) or by displaying manipulative and passive power (as women often do). However—and this is the beauty of the Karpman Triangle – both of these examples are unhealthy and even abusive uses of power.

Most people if you ask them if they want a relationship based upon power plays or mutual respect will almost always choose the latter. Within every relationship is the constant ebb and flow of power and control between all parties. To build a truly healthy and deeply connected relationship, each person must choose, more often than not, “power with” instead of “power over,”  and a healthy sense of control over a toxic need to control.   The challenge is being honest enough with ourselves and our partners when we inevitably slip into those power plays to move back into a space of mutual respect. That is how we come to truly understand the power of intimacy.

The post Mutual Respect & The Power of Intimacy appeared first on Dan Griffin.