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What is sex for?
Have you ever asked yourself that question? You may think, “procreation, of course” but that doesn’t explain why people who don’t want kids have sex. If you say, “fun and pleasure,” that doesn’t explain why, for the most part, we still seek out sex with other humans–even in an era where we can access porn within seconds, have sex toys discretely delivered to our doorsteps in two days or less, and maybe even order ourselves a sex robot, if all we really need are no-fuss orgasms.
The only explanation left, is that sex allows us to feel a certain type of connection and intimacy with another human being, that is difficult to achieve in any other way. In this episode, Alexandra Katehakis of The Center for Healthy Sex is back to talk to Dan about sex and intimacy, and how men can begin to identify what they really want and need from a sexual partner, which is often hidden–even from themselves–by The Man Rules, which tell them what they should want.
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Everyone told you being a Dad would be hard, right? Many probably even said, “Nothing can prepare you…” And, man, they were so right. There’s nothing we can tell you to make the transition to being a new Dad a smooth and easy one, but we can help you figure out how to be more involved, more present, and more engaged as a parent and a partner. That’s what we’re aiming to do in this series of Daddy Downloads from The Man Rules podcast.
In this episode, Dan shares some thoughts on how Dads can help keep the home fires burnin’ in the bedroom and beyond.
Practical & Tactical Tips
- Don’t lose sight of each other or your relationship. Babies are very demanding. It can be all too easy for the focus to shift entirely to the child. That’s not healthy for your relationship, and what’s not healthy for your relationship, ultimately isn’t healthy for your child anyway.
- Date nights are not dead. Especially after the baby is born, but also during pregnancy. It’s worth the effort.
- Find ways to connect other than sexual intercourse. Get creative!
- Masturbate. And talk about it with your partner. (No, really.)
Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. Dan’s work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. Dan’s book, A Man’s Way through Relationships, is the first book written specifically to help men create healthy relationships while navigating the challenges of the “Man Rules
,” those ideas men internalize at very young ages about how to be real boys and men.
Dan’s professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. He is also the author of A Man’s Way through the Twelve Steps, the first trauma-informed book to take a holistic look at men’s sobriety. He co-authored Helping Men Recover, the first comprehensive gender-responsive and trauma-informed curriculum for addiction and mental health professionals. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous.
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If you want to change old patterns of thought and behavior—like choosing more consciously how The Man Rules fit into your life—you’re going to need to broaden your perspective and gain some personal insight. There’s no better way to do that than reading. I know, I know… No one has time for that these days. Not in a world of smart phones and Netflix. But, if you’re serious about developing a practice that will lead you toward a more conscious masculinity, I strongly encourage to add reading to your repertoire–even if it’s only a page or two a day.
Each month I’ll be sharing three books that have helped me along the way…here are the books for the Month of May, our special 1 year anniversary celebration list. If you or someone you know struggles with depression or anger issues or overall relationship challenges (uh, who wouldn’t be in that camp?) then check out these books.
I Don’t Want to Talk About
by Terry Real
Depression is a very insidious disease. For the longest time it was really thought to be an issue mostly for women. Men didn’t even come forward about it. Even those men who did find themselves getting help didn’t get the right help because the majority of the therapists and “helpers” didn’t understand what male depression looks like. Until Terry wrote this groundbreaking book. With men’s suicide rates at all-time high, the increasing pressure for men to be relational and connect, and our even increasing focus on mental health, in general, in this country male depression is not going away. It continues to be missed by men, their loved ones, and professionals working with men and couples. If you have questions about depression, are concerned about yourself or a loved one, check out this book and get a better understanding of what depression can look like in men and the best ways to treat it.
The Anger Solution
by John Lee
If you are familiar with my work then you have probably heard me talk about the anger funnel. The idea that men learn to take all of the feelings that are not okay to share or even experience – fear, sadness, insecurity, shame, hurt, etc – and place in a funnel where they come out as some form of anger. Understanding what feelings are underneath the anger is an essential part of men’s healing and building true intimacy in any relationship. But what is the difference between anger and rage? Is anger really the issue?
If you struggle with anger in any way – and chances are it may be more rage that you struggle with – this book and all of John Lee’s work could be very helpful. As someone who has been brought to his knees many times over the years by rage, trauma, and shame I am learning the power of having a healthy relationship to anger. If anyone has ever given you feedback about being angry, mean, or an asshole check out this book and John’s work.
Love Secrets Revealed
by Dr. Allen Berger
I love Allen and his work. He has a wonderful way of communicating complicated ideas. There are a lot of books out there on relationships and intimacy and how to improve them. A lot of them are crap, if you ask me. This is a really good one but I am biased. Read it for yourself and see what you think.
Tell me About Your Favorite Books
Do you have some favorite books that have changed the way you think about men and relationships? Email your recommendations to [email protected] or tweet it @authordgriffin or reach out on Facebook.
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Most relationship self-help books are roundly dismissed as being “for women.” And, some guys just aren’t all that into reading anyway—or so “they” say. (We wonder how much of it has to do with the fact that the books, products, and services are simply not marketed to men.)
Dan always talks about how, in the 21st century, growth in the expectation that men show up with vulnerability and intimacy has been exponential, while guidance to help them learn how to do that has been minimal. And, most of what is available is critical of men or reinforces more traditional and outdated ideas of masculinity.
For men looking to make some crucial changes in their lives and improve their relationships, it may be difficult to find resources that appeal to them and fit their lifestyles. What can they do to help broaden their perspectives and gain more personal insight?
How about podcasts?
One of the reasons we created The Man Rules podcast was to give men resources that can meet them where they are. Podcasts can be a great gateway for men who aren’t yet used to the idea of taking time out every day for self-reflection. They can listen in the car to and from work, or while they’re tooling around in the garage, cooking dinner, or working out.
Most importantly, they can learn from other men who have been where they are, and easy to relate to as they share their own ongoing struggles to live more consciously.
The Man Rules Podcast on Relationships
One frequent assumption our society makes about men is that they don’t care about relationships. However, it’s often trouble with a primary relationship— spouse, partner, or ex — that often first motivates men to look for help. Here are four podcast episodes from The Man Rules podcast archive that give men some practical tips on common relationship stumbling blocks:
How He Can Reconnect After an Argument
In this episode, Dan explains how men can get comfortable with vulnerability in spite of The Man Rules’ insistence that they never feel nor show vulnerability. And, he shares some great tips on how men can improve their communication skills, and create emotional safety in relationships for themselves and their loved ones.
When He’s Cheated or Wants to Cheat
In this episode of The Man Rules podcast, Dan talks to Rob Weiss, and therapist and sexologist, about why men cheat, how they can regroup and reconnect with their partners when they feel the urge to cheat, and how they can truly heal their relationships with their partners if they have cheated. They also touch on some of the pros and cons of porn, the ins and outs of internet dating, and the struggles many men have today with expressing their masculinity and sexuality in healthy ways.
When People Walk All Over Him
Dan talks to psychologist Ross Rosenberg about what he calls “self-love deficiency disorder.” Men struggling with it tend to be attracted to narcissists like moths to flame. They stay in relationships with narcissists, no matter how poorly they’re treated, because of an inability to recognize their own inherent worthiness. They feel, subconsciously, that they have to constantly prove that they are worthy of love by sacrificing their own needs and desires for the love of someone else.
When His Ideas About The Man Rules and Sex Get in the Way of True Intimacy
In this recording of a talk given at The Center for Healthy Sex in Los Angeles, Dan offers his humorous and insightful take on the ways in which one of the cardinal Man Rules (i.e. have as much sex as possible, as often as possible, with as many women as possible) is enforced in our society, and the ways in which it hinders men’s relationships and their mental health. He also shares the surprising ways in which shame and fear lead men to constantly— and unconsciously — seek emotional safety through sex.
Online Relationship Course for Men
Dan has designed a FREE four-session online course that will help men understand why they struggle in relationships and give them an “exercise plan” to work on between sessions.
Men will learn:
- How their ideas about what it means to be a man block them from having the relationships they truly want
- How to take an honest inventory of their relationships
- Specific exercises to help them understand what keeps certain relationships from working
- And, most importantly, specific steps they can take to make improvements in their most important relationships!
Sign-up at A-MANS-WAY.TEACHABLE.COM
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In this episode, speaker and teacher John Wineland defines masculine and feminine polarity (think magnetic fields) and their differing energies and strengths as they relate to intimacy and sex. John talks about how personal awareness of those different energies, which he labels as feminine and masculine, lead to deeper and safer connections with our partners. (We are not sure how much we agree on the labelling of these energies in gendered terms.)
Although it all may sound a little “woo-woo,” and you may not agree with everything John says, his intentions are just like ours here at the Man Rules Podcast: to help men create and sustain more effective connections. John seeks to bring a greater spiritual awareness to men and their relationships. You’ll walk away from this show with some practical strategies you can use to learn more about yourself and your partner by paying attention to the ways in which you both express masculine and feminine energies, and how to cultivate more presence and depth within yourself and your relationships.
Practical and Tactical
- Ask yourself, “Is this true?” and “What am I making up?” to help challenge your assumptions about your partner’s intentions. Share your perceptions with your partner or a trusted friend and ask them to give you honest feedback. Do they think you’re off base?
- Try this eye gazing technique: The masculine partner will try to match the breath of the feminine partner while looking into his/her left eye. Do this for 3 to 5 minutes. This helps to gently train your nervous system in a way that will make you more comfortable with intimacy.
- Make a conscious effort to slow down. What if you walked more slowly through the park, or through the office? What if you spoke more slowly? What if you slowed your breath down? Would you feel more in tune with everything that was going on within you and around you?
About Our Guest
Known for his groundbreaking work with men, John travels worldwide teaching his vision of embodied men’s work and deep relational practice. In 2014, he founded The New Men’s Work Project, which has attracted men from around the world looking to develop as leaders in their relationships and communities. The Project is committed to the staggering goal of creating 1000 men’s groups worldwide in the next ten years and has already supported trainings and groups throughout Europe and the U.S. John’s clients include entrepreneurs, leading thinkers in the world of personal development and entertainment, Ted speakers and creative leaders in Hollywood.
Mentioned in This Episode
Loving What Is, by Byron Katie
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]]>1000 years from now, when anthropologists somehow get their hands on our TV shows, they’re going to learn a thing or two about how men were supposed to behave in our society if they wanted to be respected or admired: Save the day, always have a witty comeback handy, be aloof – or a doof – in your relationships, and get the girl. Any girl. Actually, all the girls. And only girls, of course. As many as possible (and pretty much all of them are possible because you are the guy no girl can— or should— resist.)
Hopefully, the writings of researcher and therapist Dr. Andrew Smiler will survive until that day, so that future scholarly types can get a fuller picture of our off-screen reality, which is that most men are not promiscuous, most men do value intimacy and relationships, and most men, in fact, are not “most men.” He and Dan share some concrete strategies on how to show up as the man you want to be, not necessarily the man advertised on TV.
SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!
About Our Guest
Andrew Smiler, PhD, is a licensed therapist and an expert on boys, men, and masculinity. Dr. Smiler holds a Masters in Clinical Psychology and a PhD in Developmental Psychology. He is the author of the award winning “Dating and Sex: A Guide for the 21st Century Teen Boy,” as well as “Challenging Casanova: Beyond the stereotype of the promiscuous young male” and co-author of “The Masculine Self,” with renowned researcher Chris Kilmartin. Dr. Smiler is the Board President of Male Survivor: National Organization against Male Sexual Victimization and the Editor-in-Chief of Online Publications for the Society for Research on Adolescence. He has been featured in the New York Times and Chicago Tribune, and has written for the the Good Men Project, Huffington Post, Shriver Report, and Everyday Feminism.
Mentioned on The Show
Dating and Sex: A Guide for the 21st Century Teen Boy by Andrew Smiler
“Sex guide for teen boys picks up where parents leave off” – Chicago Tribune
A Man’s Way Through Relationships by Dan Griffin
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]]>Despite all the ways that sex continues to pervade our culture, research shows that the younger generations are having less actual, in-person sex than you might think. And those having sex might still feel like something’s missing.
This week, therapist and sex researcher Alexandra Katehakis, Ph.D, joins host Dan Griffin to explore the ways that honesty, vulnerability, and a little bit of self-exploration can do more for your sex life than any app.
If you’re ready to get started, try these easy tips.
Practical & Tactical Tips
- Sit down with a piece of paper and ask yourself what you really like sexually. What’s true for you right now? What brings you pleasure? Don’t edit it and don’t judge it.
- Vulnerability is highly attractive when, paradoxically, it’s coming from a place of strength, meaning that you have a sense of certainty about who you are. That kind of vulnerability allows you to take the risk of being honest with yourself and honest with your partner(s), which in turn, helps you grow yourself up sexually in ways that are novel, exciting, and deeply fulfilling.
- Get clear about what you want in a relationship. As you start to move toward an intimate relationship with someone, pay attention to whether they are really present and receptive during sexual encounters, or if they are putting on an act. The keys to better sex and better relationships are awareness and appropriate action.
SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!
About Our Guest
Alexandra Katehakis is the Founder and Clinical Director of the Center for Healthy Sex in Los Angeles and the author of Erotic Intelligence: Igniting Hot, Healthy Sex While in Recovery from Sex Addiction,Sex Addiction as Affect Dysregulation: A Neurobiologically Informed Holistic Treatmentand co-author of the award-winning daily meditation book, Mirror of Intimacy: Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence and contributing author of the award-winning clinical textbook Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addicts. Katehakis is a clinical supervisor at American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists and clinical supervisor and member of the teaching faculty for the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP) a national certifying body for sex addiction therapists. She is a regular contributor to Psychology Today and The Huffington Post,as well as a prominent expert panelist at sexuality conferences and public events.
Mentioned In This Episode
Mirror of Intimacy, by Alexandra Katehakis
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]]>So, if you are a man, and find yourself craving intimacy, feeling attached to one of the women you have sex with, not interested in women, feeling afraid or confused about sex or your sexuality due to past trauma, and/or feeling insecure about your body— SEE MAN RULE #1.
For better or worse, sex is often central to men’s perceptions of themselves and to their experiences as men. Recently, at The Center for Healthy Sex in Los Angeles, Dan presented his humorous and insightful take on the ways in which this rule is enforced in our society, and the ways in which it hinders men’s relationships and their mental health. He also shares the surprising ways in which shame and fear lead men to constantly— and unconsciously — seek emotional safety through this cardinal Man Rule.
SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!
Mentioned In This Episode
This is Water (Essay by David Foster Wallace)
About Dan
Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. His work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. His professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous. Dan grew up in the DC area and lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Nancy, and his daughter, Grace, and has been in long-term recovery from addiction since he graduated college in May of 1994.
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]]>Here is what I have concluded after thirteen years of marriage: Love is boring.
It doesn’t mean it is always boring, not by any stretch of the imagination. But, when you settle into a loving and committed relationship, you simply have to let go of the idea that love should always be exciting. Or that it should always feel good. Or you should always be having sex. OR—and perhaps this is the most important point—that our feelings alone should ever dictate our experience of love.
I was talking to a friend about his experiences with love. What was clear from our conversation was that he had an idea that many of us have been inculcated with since the day we were born: Love is supposed to be exciting. Always.
That is what countless movies and television shows have told us. In fact, the majority of those shows end with the excitement still going strong. Most of the screen time is spent on the guy (usually) chasing the girl (usually). The assumption is that the happiness and the excitement will continue perpetually. The ever sought after, and implicitly promised, happy ending (no, not that happy ending…okay maybe that one too) will happen. All you have to do is find the person and win their love.
And there you have it: our culture’s idea about love that we have been drowning in for decades. But it is so much more complicated than that.
The struggle that many men have just to be able to stay in a relationship can be significant. I have watched man after man struggle to accept love into his life, sometimes under the guise of thinking there is someone better out there for him. Or, sometimes by picking their partner apart looking for all the ways in which they do not necessarily fit that Hollywood ideal.
Finding yourself and being able to commit to another human being can be quite an emotional journey for many men. And that is only one part of the journey. Then comes a deeper level of commitment like engagement or marriage (if they want that), and having a family. Or however they want to express their deeper love and commitment to someone. All of those are additional steps in this crazy dance called love—steps that bring with them their own emotional impact and their own barriers to overcome. When you have been trained for most of your life to devalue relationships – whether in subtle or no so subtle ways – and to not practice much of what it takes to be in a relationship, of course they’re going to be difficult.
That was why my friend was having a hard time as his relationship inevitably began its plateau. There doesn’t have to be drama. He certainly doesn’t have to create drama, though his brain doesn’t seem to understand that. So, he spends a lot of time wondering if his partner is the right one. Maybe there is someone better. He imagines other people. Or just breaking up and sleeping around. Each time he does that he puts a quarter in the drama machine to keep it going. All of these have one major effect: keeping him from being present in his relationship and experiencing the beauty and pain of intimacy.
In truth, saying that love is boring is nothing more than saying you have found a love that actually has a chance of lasting. You have a relationship that is stable. A love that is strong. So here is to boring love.
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