If you want to change old patterns of thought and behavior—like choosing more consciously how The Man Rules fit into your life—you’re going to need to broaden your perspective and gain some personal insight. There’s no better way to do that than reading. I know, I know… No one has time for that these days. Not in a world of smart phones and Netflix. But, if you’re serious about developing a practice that will lead you toward a more conscious masculinity, I strongly encourage to add reading to your repertoire–even if it’s only a page or two a day.

Each month I’ll be sharing three books that have helped me along the way…here are the books for the Month of May, our special 1 year anniversary celebration list. If you or someone you know struggles with depression or anger issues or overall relationship challenges (uh, who wouldn’t be in that camp?) then check out these books.

I Don’t Want to Talk About

by Terry Real

Depression is a very insidious disease. For the longest time it was really thought to be an issue mostly for women. Men didn’t even come forward about it. Even those men who did find themselves getting help didn’t get the right help because the majority of the therapists and “helpers” didn’t understand what male depression looks like. Until Terry wrote this groundbreaking book. With men’s suicide rates at all-time high, the increasing pressure for men to be relational and connect, and our even increasing focus on mental health, in general, in this country male depression is not going away. It continues to be missed by men, their loved ones, and professionals working with men and couples. If you have questions about depression, are concerned about yourself or a loved one, check out this book and get a better understanding of what depression can look like in men and the best ways to treat it.

The Anger Solution

by John Lee

If you are familiar with my work then you have probably heard me talk about the anger funnel. The idea that men learn to take all of the feelings that are not okay to share or even experience – fear, sadness, insecurity, shame, hurt, etc – and place in a funnel where they come out as some form of anger. Understanding what feelings are underneath the anger is an essential part of men’s healing and building true intimacy in any relationship. But what is the difference between anger and rage? Is anger really the issue?

If you struggle with anger in any way – and chances are it may be more rage that you struggle with – this book and all of John Lee’s work could be very helpful. As someone who has been brought to his knees many times over the years by rage, trauma, and shame I am learning the power of having a healthy relationship to anger. If anyone has ever given you feedback about being angry, mean, or an asshole check out this book and John’s work.

Love Secrets Revealed

by Dr. Allen Berger

I love Allen and his work. He has a wonderful way of communicating complicated ideas. There are a lot of books out there on relationships and intimacy and how to improve them. A lot of them are crap, if you ask me. This is a really good one but I am biased. Read it for yourself and see what you think.

Tell me About Your Favorite Books

Do you have some favorite books that have changed the way you think about men and relationships? Email your recommendations to [email protected] or tweet it @authordgriffin or reach out on Facebook.

The post RecomMENded Reading – May appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Most relationship self-help books are roundly dismissed as being “for women.” And, some guys just aren’t all that into reading anyway—or so “they” say. (We wonder how much of it has to do with the fact that the books, products, and services are simply not marketed to men.)

Dan always talks about how, in the 21st century, growth in the expectation that men show up with vulnerability and intimacy has been exponential, while guidance to help them learn how to do that has been minimal. And, most of what is available is critical of men or reinforces more traditional and outdated ideas of masculinity.

For men looking to make some crucial changes in their lives and improve their relationships, it may be difficult to find resources that appeal to them and fit their lifestyles. What can they do to help broaden their perspectives and gain more personal insight?

How about podcasts?

One of the reasons we created The Man Rules podcast was to give men resources that can meet them where they are. Podcasts can be a great gateway for men who aren’t yet used to the idea of taking time out every day for self-reflection. They can listen in the car to and from work, or while they’re tooling around in the garage, cooking dinner, or working out.

Most importantly, they can learn from other men who have been where they are, and easy to relate to as they share their own ongoing struggles to live more consciously.

The Man Rules Podcast on Relationships

One frequent assumption our society makes about men is that they don’t care about relationships. However, it’s often trouble with a primary relationship— spouse, partner, or ex — that often first motivates men to look for help. Here are four podcast episodes from The Man Rules podcast archive that give men some practical tips on common relationship stumbling blocks:

How He Can Reconnect After an Argument

In this episode, Dan explains how men can get comfortable with vulnerability in spite of The Man Rules’ insistence that they never feel nor show vulnerability. And, he shares some great tips on how men can improve their communication skills, and create emotional safety in relationships for themselves and their loved ones.

When He’s Cheated or Wants to Cheat

In this episode of The Man Rules podcast, Dan talks to Rob Weiss, and therapist and sexologist, about why men cheat, how they can regroup and reconnect with their partners when they feel the urge to cheat, and how they can truly heal their relationships with their partners if they have cheated. They also touch on some of the pros and cons of porn, the ins and outs of internet dating, and the struggles many men have today with expressing their masculinity and sexuality in healthy ways.

When People Walk All Over Him

Dan talks to psychologist Ross Rosenberg about what he calls “self-love deficiency disorder.” Men struggling with it tend to be attracted to narcissists like moths to flame. They stay in relationships with narcissists, no matter how poorly they’re treated, because of an inability to recognize their own inherent worthiness. They feel, subconsciously, that they have to constantly prove that they are worthy of love by sacrificing their own needs and desires for the love of someone else.  

When His Ideas About The Man Rules and Sex Get in the Way of True Intimacy

In this recording of a talk given at The Center for Healthy Sex in Los Angeles, Dan offers his humorous and insightful take on the ways in which one of the cardinal Man Rules (i.e. have as much sex as possible, as often as possible, with as many women as possible) is enforced in our society, and the ways in which it hinders men’s relationships and their mental health. He also shares the surprising ways in which shame and fear lead men to constantly— and unconsciously — seek emotional safety through sex.

Online Relationship Course for Men

Dan has designed a FREE four-session online course that will help men understand why they struggle in relationships and give them an “exercise plan” to work on between sessions.

Men will learn:

• How their ideas about what it means to be a man block them from having the relationships they truly want
• How to take an honest inventory of their relationships
• Specific exercises to help them understand what keeps certain relationships from working
• And, most importantly, specific steps they can take to make improvements in their most important relationships!

Sign-up at A-MANS-WAY.TEACHABLE.COM

The post How Podcasts Can Help Men Improve Their Relationships appeared first on Dan Griffin.

If you want to change old patterns of thought and behavior—like choosing more consciously how The Man Rules fit into your life—you’re going to need to broaden your perspective and gain some personal insight. There’s no better way to do that than reading. I know, I know… No one has time for that these days. Not in a world of smart phones and Netflix. But, if you’re serious about developing a practice that will lead you toward a more conscious masculinity, I strongly encourage to add reading to your repertoire–even if it’s only a page or two a day.

Each month I’ll be sharing three books that have helped me along the way…

Unspoken Legacy

by Claudia Black

It took me a long time, but when I finally started to acknowledge and come to terms with the emotional trauma I experienced growing up, I started on a path to better relationships and a more fulfilling life. Dr. Claudia Black’s work has served as a guidepost for me throughout that process. Her latest book is a wonderful exploration of systemic impact trauma has on families and how it is unwittingly passed down from generation to generation.

If you’re a man who wants to better understand why you struggle in your own life and relationships and begin the process of real and lasting change, this book may be the roadmap you need.

Stop Hurting the Woman You Love: Breaking the Cycle of Abusive Behavior

by Charlie Donaldson, Randy Flood, and Elaine Eldridge

It’s rare to find a book for men who act out aggressively and violently that offers a degree of compassion without abdicating personal responsibility. This is one of those rare books. The book helps men process and overcome their shame, understand the reasons for their behavior and own their responsibility in stopping the behavior. In particular, Randy Flood and his co-authors emphasize the need for men to develop their own core practice of empathy because you can’t continue abusive behavior and practice empathy at the same time.

The Last Flower

by James Thurber

This short cartoon by James Thurber, famed author, and contributor to The New Yorker, is a powerful parable about humankind’s inability to learn from its past mistakes. On the macro level, it’s about war; it was published in 1939, two months before WWII began. But, on a micro level, it’s about every person who’s at war with themselves. It reminds us to learn the necessary lessons to end the cycle of our own unnecessary suffering and self-destruction.

Tell me About Your Favorite Books

Do you have some favorite books that have changed the way you think about men and relationships? Email your recommendations to [email protected] or tweet it @authordgriffin or reach out on Facebook.

The post RecomMENded Reading – April appeared first on Dan Griffin.

The first phase in bringing about positive change is raising awareness. (In other words, the first step is recognizing and admitting that there is a problem.) So, this month, and every month, we’re bringing your awareness to articles, studies, and podcasts that shine a light on the unique struggles men face in today’s society.

Men Need Self-Care Too

Unfortunately, the phrase “self-care” has been reduced to little more than an advertising buzzword. It’s used over and over to try to sell spa packages, candles, and Yoga classes to women. This week, Popular Science magazine reminds us that self-care is about more than manicures and expensive vacations. AND, that it’s not just for wealthy white women…

• People who need self-care the most aren’t getting it. Just ask a trucker. – PopSci.com

Support for Men with Cheating Spouses

We love “Thanks for Sharing” podcast hosts Jackie P. and Jon T. Whether you’re a person in recovery or just a person struggling to carry your own emotional baggage (i.e. everyone), each time you listen to their podcast you walk away feeling less alone. And, they are definitely woke— as the kids say these days— to The Man Rules. (Not to brag or anything, but they did even have Dan on as a guest once…)   

In this episode, they aim their compassion and understanding toward male partners of sex addicts. Note: This means that women can be sex addicts— Shocker!

They point out all the ways in which The Man Rules discourage men from seeking support for the often devastating experience of being cheated on by a spouse or partner. Although the discussion focuses specifically on men with female partners who identify as sex addicts, the same principles can apply to any man who has experienced the pain of learning that the person he loves has been unfaithful.

• Male Partners of Sex Addicts – Thanks for Sharing podcast

Male Survivors of Sexual Assault Are Breaking the Silence

“But as any Freudian will tell you trauma is stronger than any mask; it can’t be buried and it can’t be killed. It’s the revenant that won’t stop, the ghost that’s always coming for you.”

Every attempt we’ve made to write a summary of best-selling author Junot Díaz’s devastating yet inspiring essay has failed miserably to capture its power and significance. So, please, just go read it, let it sink into your bones, and it let spur you into action on behalf of male survivors of childhood trauma.

But we want to be very clear: you can heal from trauma. The ghosts haunting you can be tamed. The narrative of your life can be rewritten. We have to tell the stories so the voiceless have a voice and The Man Rules have less of a stranglehold on the hearts of men. We honor Mr. Diaz for his courage.

• The Silence: The Legacy of Childhood Trauma by Junot Díaz writing for The New Yorker

Send Us Your Favorite Links!

Have you run across a great article, study, or podcast that changed the way you think about men and relationships? Email it to [email protected] or tweet it @authordgriffin.

The post Consciousness Raising: April 2018 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Justin Baldoni:

Why I’m done trying to be “man enough”

Actor Justin Baldoni knows a thing or two about following a script, both onstage and off. As a kid, he found himself struggling to fit in with the other boys at school and was angry at his “unmanly” father for not being the type of guy who was into the usual “guy stuff.” As he became a young adult he was even a bit complicit in reinforcing negative male stereotypes through his work as an actor and model. Now, as a husband and father himself, he’s stepped up to be a game-changer for his generation, by proving to men and boys that it’s okay to just be themselves.

Tony Porter:

A call to men

‘There are many wonderful things about being a man… but there’s some stuff that’s just straight up twisted.” And as he demonstrates in his talk the twisted stuff can sometimes lead a man to compromise his own values, and his own humanity, before he risks violating any of The Man Rules. Tony makes a passionate argument for helping men break out of the man box and changing the way we raise our sons and daughters.

Jackson Katz:

Violence against women—it’s a men’s issue

The central argument of Jackson Katz’s talk is only one of the remarkable things about it. He also manages to deliver this message in a way that demonstrates how it’s possible to show up in a way that is both “masculine” and vulnerable. His voice is strong, but it shakes a little, he is unhalting in his assertions but often pauses mid-sentence, there’s a “tough love” quality to his tone, but at times he seems nearly moved to tears. It all adds up to a very powerful 18 minutes, and an irresistible call to action. But, I do have one reservation: he focuses only on the need for “good” people to intervene when they witness abusive behavior. It doesn’t mention the need to provide resources for the men who offend to help them stop the abusive behavior. But, none of that detracts from the power and importance of his overall message.

What are some of your favorite TED Talks for men?

The post Three TED Talks That Are Changing The Meaning of “Man Up” appeared first on Dan Griffin.

The Power of Intimacy

Power is a very interesting phenomenon. I remember having numerous conversations about the complex intersection of power and relationships in graduate school. There was a lot of confusion as to what exactly power even is.

One of the most common misunderstandings about power is that it is a linear phenomenon. In fact, power comes at us from numerous sources all of the time.

The second most common misunderstanding is that power is a zero-sum game— either you have it or I have it. And whatever you have, I can’t have, and vice-versa. This fundamentally flawed way of thinking about power greatly impacts our experiences in relationships.

There are two main ways we experience power in our relationships: power with and power over (you have power over someone else or some else has power over you). The Man Rules say that real men have power and are never weak or powerless. Therefore, from a very early age, young boys are encouraged to find power over – power over others, power over their feelings, and power over themselves.

The Woman Rules say that women should be cooperative, passive, nurturing, selfless, and not too strong. Therefore, from a very early age, young girls are encouraged to find power with. Women are expected to share power with others even if it puts them at a disadvantage; even when it means they have to give up their own power.

And that is the rub in so many heterosexual relationships.

Making Peace with Power

You cannot have a relationship that doesn’t involve a complex interaction with power. What some people don’t often consider is that power can be healthy. In fact,  it is an essential part of the day-to-day human experience.

To help us explore the complexity of power in relationships, we can look to the classic Karpman drama triangle which illustrates the shifting, and sometimes destructive, roles of persecutor, rescuer, and victim that people play in relational conflicts. In this “drama triangle” each person involved in a conflict experiences and acts out all of these roles at different times. The role we take on can determine how we perceive our partners, interpret their behavior, and interact with them.

The reason these triangles arise, and often endure, is that each person, regardless of their role, finds that they get their unspoken, and often unconscious,  psychological needs met by playing these roles—roles which they most likely originally “perfected” through the power dynamic that played out within their family as a child.

Whether they play the victim or persecutor, or some combination of all three roles,  in the end, each person feels justified in acting upon their needs. Feeling satisfied, they often conveniently fail to acknowledge the dysfunctional ways they tend to go about getting their needs met, or the harm that is being done as a result to themselves, their partners, or any third parties (like children) who may be directly or indirectly involved in their conflict.

When there are times of disconnection in the relationship and even if, for whatever reason, there is a loss of respect between partners, intimacy can only be restored in the space of mutuality. We have to move away from the desire to have power over our partners toward the experience of having power with them. When we are able to uncover how our emotional needs arise from our childhood trauma, and release some of that pain, we have the ability to break free from the drama triangle and build an intimate and nurturing environment of mutual respect.

Is it easier to let our relationships fall into a series of power plays or to maintain a space of mutual respect? I would suggest the former. We have to build up our emotional and spiritual muscle in order to truly listen to our partners and maintain respect, especially when they are being their very human and imperfect selves and not doing what we want or being who we want them to be.

Finding The Power to Choose

What is the greatest crucible for us working out all of our childhood “stuff”? Our most intimate relationships, of course.

It is like a divine joke where God says, “Okay, so you find this person you really care about and want to love? Great! Now here is all of this pain and suffering from your past that you get to sort through with them. You will often take it out on them, blame them for it, and project it onto them, which will cause all kind of intense, painful conflicts!” Wow, thanks a lot. All of those childhood experiences are deeply related to how we bring power into our relationships.

And, when you add in sex addiction and/or love addiction with trauma and drama triangles? I believe the clinical response is: Ay-yi-yi.

At the core of most sex and love addiction is a profound difficulty achieving healthy intimacy because of attachment-related trauma. Said simply, individuals who engage in addictive or compulsive behaviors related to sex and relationships have a very hard time forming attachments to others in healthy ways. No wonder then, that we are likely to see even more intensely destructive behaviors when addiction takes the stage among the three bedevilments in the Karpman triangle.

The most essential tool for any kind of personal change is awareness. With awareness, you can begin to learn how to make a choice about what you will do and how you will react at any given moment.

What we know from years of working with people at The Meadows is that choice is not always easy to access. The powerful strings of the past can pull us back to our childish and often desperate attempts to find emotional safety. And, what can offer us a feeling of safety (or at least the illusion of safety?) Power. And all of us are guilty, numerous time throughout the life of a relationship, of misusing power.

Your limbic brain—the unconscious part of your brain that’s screaming at you to find safety—doesn’t care if you use this power in a healthy and affirming way or not – it just wants the feeling of safety. That need can be satisfied, temporarily, by displaying overt and aggressive power (as men often do) or by displaying manipulative and passive power (as women often do). However—and this is the beauty of the Karpman Triangle – both of these examples are unhealthy and even abusive uses of power.

Most people if you ask them if they want a relationship based upon power plays or mutual respect will almost always choose the latter. Within every relationship is the constant ebb and flow of power and control between all parties. To build a truly healthy and deeply connected relationship, each person must choose, more often than not, “power with” instead of “power over,”  and a healthy sense of control over a toxic need to control.   The challenge is being honest enough with ourselves and our partners when we inevitably slip into those power plays to move back into a space of mutual respect. That is how we come to truly understand the power of intimacy.

The post Mutual Respect & The Power of Intimacy appeared first on Dan Griffin.

When it comes to my work and women there can often be some confusion. First, some people think that because I am for men I must be against women. Frankly, that is just sad. I will also own that I have not been as outspoken as I could have about how much women’s issues mean to me. Women’s issues ARE men’s issues as well. Just as men’s issues are women’s issues. And all gender issues are all of our issues.

The following is an excerpt from my last book, A Man’s Way through Relationships. It is a section entitled “A Long Way to Go.” You can also listen to the podcast I did with Kristin Walker of Mental Health News Radio called The Year of the Woman that chronicled the powerful lessons I learned about how I can best support women with my work.

A Long Way to Go

I often tell people that a lot of my work comes from a feminist perspective, which gets different kinds of reactions. I explain that feminism simply means that I believe (1) men and women are inherently equal, and (2) we live in a society that is far from acknowledging that truth politically, socially, and interpersonally. Men and women are equal and different. This view can lead men to realize that, even if they do not see themselves as endorsing feminism, they nonetheless agree with its central tenets. It should not have to be so significant that we create a space in our world to acknowledge and honor that women are equal.

It also has to be acknowledged that around the world there is still a war against girls and women that is horrific and claims victims every day. Women are far from being free in many countries where basic human dignities are denied to them. Education and the ability to choose a husband are unavailable to women in certain countries. Others routinely practice female genital mutilation. Sexual slavery and
human trafficking, which also affects boys and men, is epidemic in many parts of the world, and the buying and selling of children as if they are chattel is feeding the pornography business.

David said the biggest change in his understanding of women since coming into recovery is that they “experience a lot of oppression.” Some men see this and other men do not. Yet every human being knows what it is like to suffer, notfeel good enough, and feel powerless. It would seem that this is the place where men need to find compassion for the plight of girls and women in our country and throughout the world. It doesn’t mean we are the bad guys or the problem, but we can either help to change the oppression of girls and women or perpetuate it. That is the choice every man has. Fighting to end this reality has to be a part of our journey in becoming the best men we can be. As a woman said at one of our trainings, “Men’s privilege and white people’s privilege are part of the Water.” I couldn’t agree more.

Nate said, “I have a close relationship with my daughters. I strive to help them become all they can be and to have an equal place in a ‘man’s world.’” We have to look at what we have internalized and see how it shows up in our lives. I see it all the time with me, if only in how often I still objectify women sexually, as well as in some of the judgments that still come up for me regarding women’s intelligence or competence.

If you want to have healthy relationships with the women in your life and you want to help raise your daughters or your friends’ and neighbors’ daughters or your nieces to be strong, beautiful, intelligent, and powerful women, you have to pay attention to this. All of the men I interviewed with daughters talked about how conscious they were of the fact that their daughters learned from them how to be treated by men. Mark said about his daughter, “She is a dream, and I am always looking for ways to teach her how to be treated by men.” I know that how I treat Nancy teaches Grace everything about how men treat women and about the man I am. I will never be perfect, but I pray that Grace will always see a father, even when he is angry or upset, who chooses peace, respect, and love. Ray said this about raising his daughters: “I feel a great responsibility to show them what it is to be an honorable man.” Amen.

If you are interested in reading more of my book or purchasing it you can go here. If you have already read it please consider rating it on Amazon (apparently those matter!) AND keep your eye out for my new podcast The Man Rules that will be launching next month!

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMAN’S DAY!

The post International Women’s Day – A Long Way to Go appeared first on Dan Griffin.

As Brené Brown has shown beautifully, you can’t teach vulnerability without being vulnerable. Not really. Not with integrity. It is so easy to be the teacher. To be the expert. Maintaining such a persona can be very safe. After all, I am a Senior Fellow at The Meadows. I am author of several books. Blah, blah, blah. That is all of the subterfuge the ego comes up with to keep us disconnected.

The truth is my life fell apart quickly right after I completed the workshop at The Meadows. The same one I just wrote about last week. It was amazing and powerful with amazing vulnerability from all. There was more, however, to the story.  What happened is at the core of my work and is absolutely a part of the larger conversation about men, relationships, and trauma.

As it was my first workshop at a place as special as The Meadows is to me I had some anxiety. Was I going to have an impact? Was I going to bring value to these people’s lives? I worked hard to do my own grounding and get support for those feelings of insecurity so I could be present. That said, it was there with me the whole weekend.

I was very focused on creating a safe and tight space for the attendees. I gave everything I had. They knew it, they felt it, and they appreciated it. I focused on my self-care every day with meditation, prayer, grounding exercises, and checking in with others. Nonetheless, I was exhausted. I had dipped deeply into my own vulnerability while honoring the fearless vulnerability of those in attendance. The workshop ended and I said goodbye to the participants thanking them for their trust and their amazing work.

Being exhausted I had nothing left for the two people who mean the most to me: my wife and my daughter. How often is that the case for men? So often we define our value by what we do and who we think we are, giving all of our energy to those endeavors. Without even meaning to we arrive home with an empty tank many times not even realizing it.

This time my wife and daughter had come with me for this trip because it was on a holiday weekend and I really don’t like giving up my weekends because of the toll that travel takes.

My number one message to the attendees: take care of yourselves and be very mindful of “aftershocks” from the work you did. I was paying attention to how I was doing and had I been alone and had time to decompress I would have been able to better transition. But I didn’t. And I was caught very off guard. It is amazing how quickly, when you’re dysregulated and your brain has been trained for anger and reactivity, it can happen. Seemingly out of nowhere but, of course, that is not true. There is a complex process taking place and the more we can slow it down and see it, the easier we can manage it and intervene when we need to. But when we have nothing left in the tank? The bottom line: I was spent and much more vulnerable and raw than I realized.

I wrote the following in my first book A Man’s Way through the Twelve Steps in a section I called “All is well.” The quote is from the chapter on Step Two which explores the idea of how we find faith and sense that, despite much of the seeming evidence to the contrary, everything is going to be alright:

Life sometimes feels as though it is falling apart for one very simple reason – because it is. In fact, life is constantly falling apart, and then offering us the opportunity to experience the full depth of what it means to be human. When you are settled with deep faith in the inherent goodness of the Universe, invite your life to fall apart. You will be okay. You will be okay because “All is well”……No matter how your outside life is arranged. No matter how crazy the world seems. No matter how much it seems as though the dark side has won. No matter how you feel. “All is well.” 

I hold that truth to be self-evident and that makes a huge difference when your brain is telling you otherwise. When that fight or flight reaction fires, that deep knowledge might just not be accessible because of how tenuous – at best – our connection is to the pre-frontal cortex, the keeper of knowledge. My brain has been programmed to fight for many, many years. Though that wiring is undoubtedly changing it is still there and can still be easily sparked.

There is no question that I acted hurtfully to two of the people I love the most. From a spiritual perspective there has already been a lot of positives to come out of that including me deepening my own work and seeing a therapist again. It also created an amazing space for a new conversation between the three of us for healing with new communication and boundaries.

I may never be the man I aspire to be but I am far from the man that I was. I always say that it is not about doing life perfectly, it is about doing our lives consciously. At the end of the day that is all that we can ask.

There are still spots available for the April 28-30 workshop at The Meadows. You can learn more about it HERE. 

The post Things Fall Apart: A Man’s Way Workshop – Part 2  appeared first on Dan Griffin.

There was one population, though, for whom I didn’t really get any specific instruction or support—men. At the time, I didn’t think too much about it; But, eventually, I started thinking about men and how we are and are not served by current service delivery systems.

After 7 years of presenting and training people, I am far from the only counselor who never got any instruction. In fact, it’s rare for me to meet anyone who got specialized training on men. Women? You bet. That’s because, as we all know, women are a special population. Men, however, are not because everything is already about men. All the norms have been set based on men. All the systems have been designed by men. Or so I have been told for years now. Men are the default. Plus, we all know, that men are not that complicated.

Right?

To me the question is ridiculous, and the answer is obvious. Of course men are much more complicated than we give them credit for, and our failure to recognize that has negative impact on how men are treated in various systems of treatment.

I will never forget the person who came to a Griffin Recovery Enterprises training several years ago who had to come without their supervisor’s approval. They had to take vacation time to be at our training on men and trauma. Why? Because in their supervisor’s words: “Trauma is not a big issue for men.”

While my work has become increasingly more accepted and sought after, there is still an overwhelming amount of opportunity to educate and raise awareness about men and the impact of trauma. And, I am far from the only one out there saying we need to do more for men. There are wonderful clinicians and academicians all over the country challenging service providers and even systems.

However, even with all of those efforts the vast majority of people graduating with any degree related to treatment services—from bachelors to Ph.D—.are still not being given any formal training on working with men as a special population. Most people graduating with LCPs, MSWs, MFTs, and PsyDs were never challenged to look deeply at how male socialization significantly impacts a man’s ability to engage in therapy and in relationships in general.

It seems crazy given how large of a population of men go through treatment each year that we have never really taken a hard look at treatment services for men. Is this really what men need? Is this really what is best for men? Add to that other addictive disorders, mental health treatment, and various forms of therapy and men are a huge percentage of those taking advantage of services. Yet nobody seems to ask a very simple question: Have the services really been designed for men?

I will be delivering a keynote on March 21st at Torrance Memorial Hospital entitled: It’s Us, Not Them. The premise is simple yet profound: the problem engaging men in addiction and mental health treatment has much less to do with their ability or willingness to engage in services, and nearly everything to do with the services themselves.

We have spent years questioning, challenging, and even blaming men; but, we have not questioned, challenged, or even blamed the services themselves! The dominant belief still is that men don’t want help and are therapy-averse. I am far from convinced of that. I believe that if we don’t take a hard look at the services we provide and become aware of the biases driving them, we will never know what men respond to the best, or what kinds of transformations are really possible.

This past weekend I led my first A Man’s Way workshop for professionals at the Rio Retreat Center at The Meadows. It was an amazing experience. Nine people (6 men and 3 women), with anywhere from 3 to 30+ years of experience in therapeutic services, showed up without being really sure about what was going to happen. It was part experiential and part instructive.

What has become clear to me over the years is that our ideas about men deeply affect how well we are able to engage with men clinically and relationally. I have worked hard to develop models for helping people see the biases they had no idea they even had. I built the three-day, A Man’s Way workshop around those models. We look at The Man Rules and how those fairly obvious constructs run deep into the psyche of most boys and men and profoundly impact our experiences of trauma, sex and sexuality, relationships, and spirituality.

Inevitably we get to look at our own trauma and shame and how they have influenced how we work with and relate to men. It is powerful work. The greatest complement to our collective efforts is that we all talked about seeing clear opportunities to do more work and get additional therapy. Yes, me too!

If you are interested, I will be leading another A Man’s Way workshop for behavioral health professionals April 28-30. There are still some spots available. It is an honor to be able to work with The Meadows in developing this workshop who has created a really great deal—one third off the usual price— in an effort to show its support for this one-of-a-kind opportunity. You can’t find this program anywhere else in the country!

You can find out how to register HERE.

The post A Man’s Way Workshop appeared first on Dan Griffin.

It doesn’t mean it is always boring, not by any stretch of the imagination. But, when you settle into a loving and committed relationship, you simply have to let go of the idea that love should always be exciting. Or that it should always feel good. Or you should always be having sex. OR—and perhaps this is the most important point—that our feelings alone should ever dictate our experience of love.

I was talking to a friend about his experiences with love. What was clear from our conversation was that he had an idea that many of us have been inculcated with since the day we were born: Love is supposed to be exciting. Always.

That is what countless movies and television shows have told us. In fact, the majority of those shows end with the excitement still going strong. Most of the screen time is spent on the guy (usually) chasing the girl (usually). The assumption is that the happiness and the excitement will continue perpetually. The ever sought after, and implicitly promised, happy ending (no, not that happy ending…okay maybe that one too) will happen. All you have to do is find the person and win their love.  

And there you have it: our culture’s idea about love that we have been drowning in for decades. But it is so much more complicated than that. 

The struggle that many men have just to be able to stay in a relationship can be significant. I have watched man after man struggle to accept love into his life, sometimes under the guise of thinking there is someone better out there for him. Or, sometimes by picking their partner apart looking for all the ways in which they do not necessarily fit that Hollywood ideal.

Finding yourself and being able to commit to another human being can be quite an emotional journey for many men. And that is only one part of the journey. Then comes a deeper level of commitment like engagement or marriage (if they want that), and having a family. Or however they want to express their deeper love and commitment to someone. All of those are additional steps in this crazy dance called love—steps that bring with them their own emotional impact and their own barriers to overcome. When you have been trained for most of your life to devalue relationships – whether in subtle or no so subtle ways – and to not practice much of what it takes to be in a relationship, of course they’re going to be difficult.

That was why my friend was having a hard time as his relationship inevitably began its plateau. There doesn’t have to be drama. He certainly doesn’t have to create drama, though his brain doesn’t seem to understand that. So, he spends a lot of time wondering if his partner is the right one. Maybe there is someone better. He imagines other people. Or just breaking up and sleeping around. Each time he does that he puts a quarter in the drama machine to keep it going. All of these have one major effect: keeping him from being present in his relationship and experiencing the beauty and pain of intimacy.

In truth, saying that love is boring is nothing more than saying you have found a love that actually has a chance of lasting. You have a relationship that is stable. A love that is strong. So here is to boring love.

The post Love is Boring appeared first on Dan Griffin.

I stopped one part of my blog series (on the Twelve Steps) 2/3 of the way through – after I got several great pieces of feedback about how people are using it to help their clients and their own recovery. Uhh….For sure I am going to finish that! And for those have actually been following it, sorry for the delay. 

Now here is the crazy thing. Writing this blog – from the time I started to writing to right until now when I am about to publish it took me exactly 30 minutes (9:13 a.m. pacific to 9:43 pacific). 30 minutes! 1 hour (60 minutes) to procrastinate. 1 week (10,080 minutes) to delay. And about five months (201,600 minutes) to whine about the fact that I wasn’t writing a blog and talk about how much I knew I needed to. Wow.

And I am a writer. Supposedly. I mean two books, one curriculum, and two more books on the way. That’s pretty good credentials to consider oneself a writer.

But you get the point. Actually sitting down and doing it took almost no time compared to the amount of time I thought about doing it. And apparently it doesn’t even have a lot to do with having done it once before. It is all about discipline and focus -which is difficult to implement and easy to lose. But even more than that it is simply about doing it. Taking action. If I really wanted to write a blog I would do it. I can come up with a thousand reasons but at the end of the day that is the only reason: I didn’t write a blog until now. And this is not news. It is not brilliant. Or original. Thousands have come to the same conclusion. And, yet, it persists.

What ultimately helped me was:

1) Telling on myself to friends
2) Asking for help
3) Coming up with a plan
4) Having an accountability partner to help with the implementation and
5) DOING IT!

So here is a question: What do YOU have in your life that you want or even need to do that you are not doing? Is it possible the time you are taking to think about it is far beyond the time it would take to actually do it or get a good start on it? My guess? YES. No shame. No judgment.

My advice (somewhat unsolicited): Do something like those 5 steps above. Doesn’t have to be the exact ones. Most important, from my perspective: Don’t do it alone. You don’t have to tackle it by yourself. In fact, attempting to tackle it by yourself is likely going to keep you stuck. If that weren’t the case don’t you think you would have done it already? Screw rugged individualism – because it is running us ragged!

There is ALWAYS going to be a reason to not do something. And you and I are not alone. Apparently this is a deep part of human nature. Just Google procrastination. Or overcoming procrastination. WHOA! There is a lot out there. Books. Blogs. Articles. Seminars.

So that’s it. My first blog in months. About not writing a blog.

Geeze, this was so easy I should probably write another blog tomorrow. NAH, I have those episodes of Blackish to catch up on. But probably after that. Next week. For sure I will add it to my calendar…probably Friday. If I’m not too busy. I think I am supposed to set up a lunch. Or yoga. Or practice music. Or……

And so it goes.

But if you want help with YOUR procrastination I have a new online course coming out that will help you with it. Only $39.95. It will be available as soon as I finish it.

The post I Don’t Want to Write a Blog! appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Has it ever felt to you like you were following some set of unwritten rules on how to be a man? Men can do this but can’t do that. These are the Man Rules I refer to throughout my new book, A Man’s Way through Relationships: Learning to Love and Be Loved and discuss at length in Chapter 1. They are unwritten yet very real, and they guide our lives from an early age, telling us how to be boys and men. We follow these Rules to let the world know that we are “real” boys and “real” men. When we don’t follow them we run the risk of being viewed by others and viewing ourselves as being less than real boys or men. Where did the Rules come from? The answer is that they come from many different sources, some personal and some societal. The Rules come from both of our parents and other caregivers, from other family members, from coaches and teachers, from the kids on the playground, and from the media based on the images of “real” men presented on television, in movies, and in print and broadcast advertising. Adolescence can be a particularly brutal period of indoctrination to the Man Rules.

There is a story of two fish swimming in the ocean when a third fish swims up to them and says, “Hello, gents. How’s the water?” and he swims away. The two fish look at each other and say, “What the hell is water?” In this way, the Water becomes a metaphor for those built-in aspects of our experience we take for granted to such an extent that we don’t even notice them. That is how the Man Rules show up in so many of our lives. We have no awareness of them; we do not see them because we are so used to them being there as a natural part of our experience. We react to them as if they are the only version of reality—the one truth. However, they have been created by other men and women and passed on for years, decades, and centuries – even millenia.

It starts as soon as we are born – research shows that we hold baby boys less, sooth them less, and give them less space to express their emotions. That can be likened to putting a baby in a dixie-cup and pouring water over his head. As the process continues we don’t stop pouring water – we simply change the receptacle – from the little cup to a small fish bowl and then a large aquarium. By the time we are adolescents we have been thrown into a local pond. And then a lake. Until we are adults and are basically fish swimming in the ocean without any idea of the water.

The truth is most of us were never given a choice about the Rules or what kind of men we wanted to be. Nobody sat us down, reviewed the Rules with us, and asked us which ones we wanted to follow and which ones didn’t fit for us. Our fathers didn’t tell us about how the way they were living by the Rules was killing them – sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. Many men simply don’t realize that they have a choice.  In all likelihood we became immersed in The Man Rules early in our lives when we were incapable of thinking about them critically. We never had the opportunity to consider whether the Rules made sense for who we were and who we wanted to become.

But the truth is we do have a choice – we always have.  We get to decide how we want the Rules to fit into our lives. The Rules are not bad – they simply limit us and our lives when we do not wear them  as a loose garment. Which are the ones that fit for me? Which don’t fit for me? That is what my work – both professional and personal – has been: figuring out how to not let the Rules, rule me. That is why I wrote A  Man’s Way through Relationships: Learning to Love and Be Loved. I hope you find what fits for you and live into that to be the best man that you can be.

The post The Man Rules & The Water appeared first on Dan Griffin.

I have been writing a four-part series of blogs for Addiction Professional Magazine focusing on male trauma. I am pleased to share it with you.

Below is an excerpt of the first article as well as the link for the full article.

I was 12 years into my own personal recovery from alcohol and other drug addiction when someone finally helped to put all of the pieces together of why recovery, up until that time, had felt like such a struggle. I had improved my diet significantly, added regular exercise and a discipline of meditation, increased attention to my personal recovery discipline, and experienced much better sleep. Now, most people didn’t know it was a struggle—including me. It was simply my reality, but I knew that it didn’t have to be as hard as it was at the time.

You can read the rest of the article: Here

The post The Hidden Reality of Men’s Trauma appeared first on Dan Griffin.

It seems that the longer I am on this journey toward my authentic self and being the best man I can be the more in touch I become with the degree to which shame has informed my identity and the man I have been up until this point. No longer is it hidden by my arrogance, anger, or humor. It is there in my awareness and I get to sit in the discomfort of it. But with a solution. Finally.

The best definition of shame I have heard is this: Shame says you didn’t make a mistake; rather, you are a mistake. When the men I know are gut-wrenchingly honest with themselves, they begin to realize the degree to which shame has impacted their lives. Letting go of shame requires us to acknowledge all of the beliefs that have to do with feeling “less than” or feeling as though we don’t belong. Letting go of shame requires us to expose some of our deepest and most fundamental wounds―wounds that are so rooted that they have become part of our psyche. Luke talked about it this way: “I carried shameful and painful secrets about what I did and what happened to me in the past, and I wasn’t going to ever tell anyone about them. Revealing those secrets and that shame in recovery has had a powerful impact on my healing.”

The question deep inside so many men is: Am I man enough? How do I rectify all of the stuff happening to me internally with who I am supposed to project to the outside world? If so much of my internal life does not jibe with the Man Rules, what does that mean about me and my value as a man?

What is the solution? I heard very early in my own process of healing that there is no way out but through. We get through by sharing our truth, a little at a time, in safe places with others that we trust. We get through when we stop and stand still in the pain, letting go of our defenses and simply listening to the messages we tell ourselves – the good, the bad, and the ugly. We get through when we embrace vulnerability not as a last recourse or a tool we reluctantly pick up when we are in pain or feel backed into a corner but rather when we see it as a way of being in our relationships when it will foster connection, love, and compassion. You want to take the warrior’s journey? Try being vulnerable at least once every day in a situation where you don’t want to be. For one week. Try it and see what happens. You will never be the same man again. And that may very well be a very good thing.

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Over and over again in my recovery meetings I hear men talk about how much they do not like asking for help. We keep waiting for the time when we can handle all of it on our own. We would much rather not look weak or like we cannot handle something. So, secretly most of us sit waiting for the time when we can take over again and not have to rely on anyone or anything, especially that “God” nonsense. But really anyone. Because we all know that real men don’t ask for help. Does that sound familiar?

How do you feel when you ask for help? I don’t like it. Despite the numerous times I have done it and the numerous resources I have used throughout my life, I still do not like it. I especially do not like it when asking for help seems to imply that the person I’m asking knows more than I do or that I am wrong or am not competent. Of course, I am wrong all the time and there are myriad things I cannot do. It is not really about that. It is an emotional response and is connected to the shame I still carry about looking or feeling weak or unmanly. Like the vast majority of men, I have a certain block when it comes to seeking support, and a default mode that basically says, “Be a man and fix it yourself. Little boys need help. Real men . . . blah, blah, blah.”

Think of all of the sources of potential support available in our relationships. Then think about how often you access that support. Think about what gets in the way of accessing it. Despite the fact that I have been living an examined life for many years and have acclimated myself to the idea of mutual support, as I stated above, I still really don’t like asking for or getting support. Giving support? Sure. I’ll support any man or woman. I love to have the answers and be the expert. I’ll admire the hell out of a man for reaching out and showing the humility it takes to ask for help. It may even lead me to seek support myself. But making that a regular practice in my life has proven to be quite challenging.

How do you do with asking for help?

What is the hardest part for you?

How has it improved for you?

The post No Man is an Island appeared first on Dan Griffin.

I’m actually on vacation right now. As I write this. I have been paying attention to each and every one of these Rules for the past four days. Overall, I would give myself a B+.

The truth is that we go on vacation to disconnect from the distractions and busy-ness of our lives but that is easier said than done. We want to create a lifetime full of happy memories with our families and here are 7 Tips that will make it a little easier:

1.       Work will survive without you and you will survive without work – Men invest a lot of time in our professional identities and being successful. Vacation is about disconnecting from that obsession and investing in our identities as partners and fathers.

2.       TV is not a member of the family – the truth is TV and mobile devices have become a member of the family – a sometime annoying and intrusive member of the family. Distraction is a national epidemic. So, before going on vacation, be clear about how TV, email, mobile devices, and social media are going to fit in – set boundaries and clear expectations and stick to them.

3.       Your family really does want to be with you – For those families with teenagers this may seem hard to believe but it really is true. Men think they have to be Super-Dad or have some perfect performance. Not true. Your family wants you – so take the time to be connect and be your authentic self. That’s the man they want.

4.       Be present with your family – This is the essence of it all. How can men learn how to be more present and connected when a lot of the Man Rules are about disconnection? Here are 3 Quick Tips:

A. Again, be really clear about TV, email, and mobile devices fit into your vacation time.
B. Set up regular times to check in with your partner. Rate yourselves on a scale of 1 to 10 about
how stressed you are and figure out ways to support one another.
C. Set up regular times to check in with yourself. Take time to breathe and have time for
yourself. The truth is that self-care is at the core of all relationships – and it is true for men as
much as it is for women.

5.       There is no “I” in vacation – It’s not about us; it’s about our families. Create a vacation that will be fun for everyone. Yes, we may miss out on the awesome round of golf or some others dream activity but we tell our families how important spending time with them is to us.

6.       The vacation doesn’t have to be in a spectacular location – One word: staycation. How much pressure do men put on themselves to afford the perfect vacation? You don’t have to go to Disneyland or Hawaii to have a great time with your family. It is about connect and making happy family memories.

7.       Take a map! – We are notorious for not asking for directions. We have great intentions for every vacation we go on with our families. When we make a plan and stick to it we are much more likely to make those intentions a reality!

So as you plan your next amazing family adventure keep these 7 tips in mind and you are sure to create happy memories to last a lifetime.

The post 7 Rules for Men on Vacation appeared first on Dan Griffin.

A running joke in our training’s is that the issue for men is not whether or not we can get into relationships. Men have no problem getting into a relationship! The real challenge is staying in relationships. And given everything we have been talking about up until this point it should be quite apparent that for many men there are a lot of forces inside of us that make it hard. Not impossible, not at all. But challenging. I have a lot of young male friends who pine for someone to love. “If only I could find someone, Dan” they say wistfully. I get it; I understand what it feels like to wonder if I would ever find someone I wanted to spend my life with. I also make it a point to let them know that the real work happens after you’ve found that person!

Staying in relationships is quite a bit tougher than getting into them. The men I have interviewed are the voices of experience, strength, and hope that need to be heard and honored.

Staying in intimate relationships requires us to face ourselves in a way that we are not used to. We may not even feel equipped to do so. The Rules have taught us how not to be in relationships. If and when we actually commit to a relationship, the Rules may influence us to feel miserable in that relationship, leading us to destroy it. A lot of men tend to be “runners.” At a certain point in a relationship our response is to shut down and walk or run away, to escape. Why do we run? Because we do not know how to handle the emotional intensity that comes from a healthy and intimate relationship.

Most of the men and women of my generation are not interested in the kind of relationships we watched previous generations have. These were usually relationships in which unresolved conflicts lingered, vulnerable thoughts and feelings were not shared, communication was like pulling teeth, and marriage was an obligation to be suffered through. Of course, if that is what we grew up with and we were not taught anything different, then what are the chances that just because we don’t want to do our relationships that way, we won’t have the end result? Not very good. Healthy relationships require dedication and hard work. We cannot learn to speak French fluently just because we want to. If nobody taught us French and spoke French around us when we were growing up, and we have had little practice in speaking the language, it will take a lot of work and discipline to become fluent. That is what it is like for men in relationships. People often expect us to speak French, and all we know how to say is bonjour, merci, and au revoir.

After years of working with men and having my own challenges with relationships, I am absolutely convinced that a lot of men leave relationships not because they truly do not love someone but because it gets too much. It’s overwhelming and a lot of work. It’s painful. It’s emotionally confusing. We leave in lots of different ways: we check out by hiding in the basement watching ESPN, get lost in our work, slowly checking out of the relationship emotionally, and many other ways. The main point is that staying in a relationship – and being truly present – is hard work. And men deserve to have all of the support we can get to be able to do the work – because the rewards are absolutely amazing. And that is something sticking around for!

The post Staying in Healthy Relationships appeared first on Dan Griffin.

I hated my father for a very long time. Of course, when we are honest with ourselves most of our hate comes out of deep hurt. And that is exactly what it was for me: I felt deeply hurt that my father was never quite able to be the man that we seemed forced to celebrate every Father’s Day. He was never quite able to be the father that I needed. If he made it through the day’s “celebration” without getting drunk and/or yelling or berating one or all of us it was a good day. I do not say this to defame or castigate my father. He was a much more complicated man than his alcoholism or his abusiveness. He was brilliant, talented, creative, funny, a good provider, and even sensitive. Though I can probably count them on both hands, there are times when my father showed up as the father I believe he truly wanted to be. The man beneath the armor. But it would be disingenuous to act as if there was not a much darker side to my relationship with my father.

Inextricably connected to my ability to be a father has been the healing work I have had to do around my relationship with my father who, sadly, lost his own battle with chronic alcoholism twenty years ago this year, at the age of 54. His tale is one that has been told far too often, written in the Book of Men and Masculinity throughout the ages. These tales lack the hallmark ending and no two dollar card can make it all okay. As a man in long-term recovery from his own addiction I am not only changing my story but I’d like to think I am even changing my father’s story.

The more I have been able to free myself from the pain and hurt of my fractured relationship with my father the more I have been able to see him as a human being who was full of suffering, trapped in the armor of masculinity in which he ultimately suffocated.

The process of forgiveness in my own relationship with my father has not been about forgetting him or even “the good, the bad, and the ugly” experiences but simply letting go of the hurt. The more I have been able to let go the more I have been able to emerge as my best self. It has not been perfect. There are vestiges of the best parts of my father and the worst parts of my father still inside of me. There will always be. For that I am actually grateful; all of those experiences have helped to create the man – and father – I have become.

A lot of what I learned about how to be a father I learned from my father. I learned a lot about what not to do and how not to be. Every young man watches the men around him to figure out how to be a man. How to treat women. How to treat kids. My father was not a horrible person. He was just a very sick person. He had a lot of childhood trauma that I had no idea about until after his death. My father didn’t talk about his daily life so there was no way he was going to open up about some of the most painful experiences of his life. So he just went into the basement and listened to his country albums. Or spewed the toxic poison of his pain all over the people who loved him the most. Such is the sad experience for so many men with trauma. I found a worksheet from his time in treatment where we stated so simply, “I’ve never thought anyone would even care about my problems.” My heart broke when I read those words while cleaning up his office shortly after his death.

The real truth? I miss my father. Not a week goes by that I do not think of him and what we could have had. I talk to him all of the time. I have spent the past twenty years asking him to be the father he never could be while he was alive as I have navigated the inevitable trials and tribulations of life. My relationship with my father has transformed over the years since his death as I have matured. As I have gotten glimpses into my own darkness. As I have come to realize how people experience me versus how I want to come across. All of that has brought me closer to the father I never met. I think about the father he wanted to be versus the father he was. I think about who he was in his heart of hearts. That is the father I celebrate – and grieve – on Father’s Day. The truth is, I never hated my father. I just hated the fact that I never really got the chance to meet him.

The post Father’s Day 2015 Part II: From a Son appeared first on Dan Griffin.

I love being a father. It is truly one of the greatest experiences of my life. I am only six years into this journey and I have grown and changed so much as a result of my beautiful daughter, Grace, coming into my life. In fact, I often tell people, “I cannot really say I have changed because there is no part of my life that has been untouched by this amazing and challenging experience. It is not change – it is transformation; nothing is as it once was.”

First, I am so very clear that I would not be a father without my recovery from addiction, twenty-one years ago right after graduating from college. I would mostly be a sperm donor who was unable to truly connect with his daughter because of all of his own pain and trauma. Those twisted forces would have pushed and pulled me in so many directions that like a tornado I would leave incredible wreckage in the lives of those who were foolish enough to try to love me.

But that is not my story.

I have been raised by the men of the recovery community since I was 21 years old. They have shown me how to be a real man – and as a result a truly loving and healthy father and husband. I am far from perfect. There are times when I get frustrated. Upset. Irritated. Times when I am controlling. Unreasonable. But she’s 5 years old. She is only being a five year old. She doesn’t have the wealth of experience or intellect that I do that enables me to apply reason to any of the numerous behaviors I want her to either stop or start, depending on the day or my mood. And I know it has much less to do with Grace than it has to do with me and where I am at emotionally, physically, and even spiritually at any given moment. The better I take care of myself the better I am able to be present for Grace. That is an axiom for any relationship that our society is still trying to accept.

The truth is I didn’t want to be a father. I was so desperately afraid of hurting a child and causing them pain that I was determined to spare a child of any of that experience. I did not trust myself. But it was not my decision alone, thank God. My wonderful wife, Nancy, not only had a deep desire to be a mother but she saw in me the father I could be. The father I have become! But I could not see that man through the wall of pain and trauma I was still carrying with me, long into my recovery from addiction.

Until I held that beautiful girl in my arms for the very first time. In that moment, I knew I wanted nothing other than to do everything I could to be the best father I can be and that means surrounding myself with support, asking for help and always remaining teachable.

Esther Perel, the popular relationship and sex expert, says men are finally being given permission to be fathers. Not just providers or disciplinarians. We are whole people who are invited – even expected – to be emotionally engaged in our children’s lives.  The challenge has been – and still is – learning how to do that. I was not shown how to nurture a child, in fact, I was shown the opposite. I was not taught how to allow my more vulnerable and softer side to lead in how I develop connection – in fact, I was shown the opposite. Yet I have been working very hard to learn these important relationship skills as they are indispensable to being a loving father.

I am a very human and imperfect father. I am constantly learning and growing. This coming father’s day is less a celebration of me than it is of the gift I have been given: I absolutely love being a father.

The post Father’s Day 2015 Part I: From a Father appeared first on Dan Griffin.

One of the great Man Rules is: Don’t feel. Of course, it is actually men aren’t allowed to feel anything other than anger. It is not manly to express the “softer” feelings. We learn it very early and often brutally and that training lasts a very long time. And takes a very long time to unlearn. Some people even think it is just how men are: we simply don’t have those feelings. I fundamentally disagree with that and the men in recovery I know and love have shown me otherwise.

In the last few years, I have discovered an important fact. In recovery we talk about how feelings are not facts. This is true. Feelings are also genderless. What does that mean? Assigning gender to specific feelings is something I was guilty of in my first book, and is something that our culture does to boys and men starting at a very early age. It is the essence of the Water I talked about earlier. Unintentionally, I perpetuated the idea that feelings such as hurt, sadness, and fear are feminine. But if men and women and boys and girls all have those feelings, how can they be masculine or feminine? Feelings are universal; they have no gender. You may not be aware of them right now because you have been trained through the Rules not to recognize them. And if you do recognize them, you are prohibited from acknowledging them to others. But as we continue to evolve as humans and grow in our recovery, we become more aware of all of our feelings. They are part of our life experience. As Ed said previously, “To feel is to be alive.”

My challenge, and the challenge of a lot of the men I spoke with for this book, is accepting and expressing my feelings. How comfortable are you telling your partner that your feelings are hurt? I had specific patterns of interaction in my romantic relationships when they did something and my feelings were hurt. All I had to do was say, “That hurt my feelings,” or “That hurt,” or even simply say, “Ouch.” Instead, how did I behave? First, I acted offended. Then, I began to raise my voice. I would attack them with criticism. Were they guilty? Absolutely, but mostly guilty of being human. I felt hurt and I could not bear to admit it. The discomfort and shame I felt would not allow me to simply hold the feeling. I would start a fight rather than admit my feelings were hurt. How many times have you done something similar?

So that is a big part of the work in front of us. Our partners do not necessarily have any idea of the emotions going on inside of us when all we show them is stoicism, sarcasm, and anger. Yet, we have not only not learned how to show those emotions but we have learned not to show them. They are a sign of weakness. They will lead to our being taken advantage of. Hurt. Abandoned. We come to believe that they will lead to our undoing. And so we hide them deep away inside of us. The truth is, however, they are the key that unlocks not only our hearts but the hearts of all of those we love.

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We all have our stories. Every man has his story of how he has become the man he is today. Yet, we do not always put a lot of time into knowing our story – or sharing it with others.  It lets others in beyond the surface of so much of how we present ourselves in the world today. Our story is the blood rushing through us. I share a part of my story – as I understand it today – with you because it lets you know a little about who I really am. I share a part of my journey of becoming a man because it is a part of our stories we haven’t spent a lot of time taking to honor – or share with one another.

As an adolescent I had an unusual and deeply painful experience. My body literally did not grow. To say I was a late bloomer is an understatement. I became acutely aware of this in eighth grade, but there were still a few other boys who also had yet to hit puberty. The summer between eighth and ninth grade I had hoped “it” would happen, but it didn’t. I stayed short and began to feel more and more powerless. The shame about who I was and about my body began to spread like a weed throughout my psyche. It was a secret, and I had to protect myself from being found out to save myself from the ultimate humiliation.

The truth is that as a prepubescent young man I stood outside the usual images of masculinity. I started to see the Water, not because I consciously and thoughtfully reflected on the Man Rules, but because I was not a man. As I felt myself in the Water, I also felt the dissonance between what seemed to be the ideal masculinity and me. I was drowning in the Water and desperate to find some degree of solace. Burning in my psyche was this constant and resounding voice telling me that I was not a man. I believed it. That voice haunted me. The worst part was that once I grew to almost six feet tall and matured into what many people consider to be a handsome man, it was too late. The damage had been done. Like anorexics wasting away on death’s door who still see themselves as fat, it has taken twenty-plus years for me to not see the gaunt, prepubescent five-foot boy looking back at me in the mirror. And he can still show up when I’m under stress or feeling threatened.

What is your story about how you have become the man or woman you are today? Are you willing to share the chapters you are still trying to forget? The ones you tried to rip out of the book of your life? Do you know yet that those are the greatest parts of your story? If your voice does not shake when you tell your story to others then it probably isn’t your story. Do you know your story of your life is the greatest story ever told?

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The role of trauma in men’s relationships is interesting – to say the least.  What is so difficult about it is how hidden it can be. I have learned a lot about trauma in the past decade. Before then, despite being over ten years in recovery, it simply was not on my radar. At least not as an issue that affected so many men as I now believe it does. And, perhaps most importantly, not an issue that had affected me so much!

Something you will hear from me over and over again is: “The best way for a man not to have trauma, is to simply say ‘I don’t have trauma.’” That, of course, does not make that statement true. I have no doubt that trauma is at the heart of a many a man’s failed relationships. The worst part: he just doesn’t know that.  The thing you have to always remember is that men are not socialized to see their experiences as trauma or to have an accurate perception of what trauma even is.

Until you have quietly reflected on this issue and looked into it at some length with an open mind, you may not know whether or not you have experienced any trauma. What I can say is that I know far too many men who have lived with trauma for many years of their recovery with no awareness that trauma was at the root of their suffering and feelings of disconnection. Do not let contempt prior to investigation prevent you from exploring something that could offer you a degree of peace and freedom you never thought possible.

The challenge a lot of men have is that they do not necessarily see their experiences as traumatic because they compare them to other people’s traumas—what they might consider “real” or more serious trauma. Many men probably look at their traumatic experiences in hindsight with an adult’s understanding, saying to themselves something to the effect of “I see how this could be traumatic for a six-year-old, but I am forty years old now and it’s not a big deal. I am over it. That was a long time ago.” That is the danger. Our brain, particularly our brain’s limbic system, does not care about our age, then or now. And it maintains the emotional memories of those experiences, no matter how long ago they occurred. That is why people’s trauma reactions can be triggered so long after the original events took place. Our bodies also carry the memories of traumatic events, and we may have physiological reactions to external stimuli without realizing that this is a common trauma response.

The challenge for us men is that given how difficult it can be for us to be emotionally aware or engaged is that trauma can drive much of our behavior and we do not even realize it is happening. It eats away at our relationships, from the inside and we think it is everything and everyone else. Before we know it the relationship has fallen apart, the marriage is over, the man is in jail for abusing his partner, his addiction has gotten even more out of control, and/or he has even taken his life. He sits there scratching his head wondering why it is hard for him to connect. Why is it so hard for him to be able to keep a relationship together? Why, when his heart seems to want it more than anything, is it so hard to love and be loved?

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Bobby, one of the men I interviewed for this book, said it well: “Life is meaningful only within the context of the connections we have with the friends and family around us.” I have always cared about the relationships in my life. My guess is that you have, too. I did not always know how to show it, or have the courage to show it, and I would often act in ways that sent the message I didn’t care. Relationships are complicated and challenging territory for everyone, but particularly for men. Even today, relationships can sometimes leave me wishing I lived on a deserted island, just as they did when I was stuck in my active addiction. I still don’t always know, or have the courage to show, how much I care about the relationships in my life. I certainly do not do it perfectly.

The assumption that underlies this book is that all men care about relationships. We want to be good sons, partners/spouses, fathers, and friends, but we need help. We are shaped by these “Man Rules” that tell us asking for help is not okay. We may follow these Rules, but they belie what is in our hearts. I have worked with, sat with, cried with, and even physically held far too many men to ever believe that deep inside of most men’s hearts is not a real desire to connect, to love, and to be loved. Yet, an incredible force inside of them pushes them to separate, disconnect, push away, and pretend otherwise. This seeming contradiction is at the heart of this book and the conversation in which I want to engage you.
If this conversation interests you I encourage you to continue reading these entries over the coming months and join the conversation! I would love to hear what you have found to be helpful and the challenges you have been able to overcome in your own journey of learning how to love and be loved.

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Check out the New Book!

A Man’s Way Through Relationships: Learning to Love and Be Loved

Author: Dan Griffin, MA

An essential guide to the challenges men face in creating healthy and engaged in relationship in all areas of their lives. Every idea is present through the lens of the

“Man Rules” – the often unconscious ideas men carry with them into every relationship they have – that affect their ability to find true connection. A Man’s Way through Relationships offers practical advice and inspiration for men to define, with their partners, their own sense of masculinity, and thus heighten their potential to love and be loved.

Dan Griffin excerpts interviews with men who share their innermost lives and experience with relationships. He draws from his own life with over two decades of recovery and ten years of marriage. Readers will learn to recognize how their ideas about masculinity have shaped who they are and how they approach their relationships.

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For the longest time of my early recovery I wanted someone to love. I do not mean just to have sex with. My heart longed for connection. And I never thought I would find it. Once I started actually dating then I not only thought I would never find love but that, even if I was able to find it, I would ruin it. Somehow. Of course, I would not admit this to other men. I would do what we all did – just talk about getting laid or talk around the fear and insecurity without truly addressing it. Why do we diminish our desire for love and connection so often? Why do we avoid the hard conversations?

The Man Rules imply it is unmanly to admit that we value our relationships and want to connect with others, or that, God forbid, we need others in our lives. Yet there is an incredibly rich and rapidly growing chorus of scientists, psychologists, quantum physicists, sociologists, and others who are finding irrefutable evidence for how human beings are intended to connect to one another; that we are all wired for connection.

For years now, certain putative relationship experts have been calling men on the carpet on national TV and in best sellers for how we act in our relationships and our overall lack of relational competence. But what I almost never see is these folks looking at the man and saying, “You know, Dan, I understand that nobody sat you down and told you how to do these things. I understand that you are doing everything you have been taught to do. I believe there is a part of you that really wants to do things differently.” No, they are happy to put on a show, shaming these men, and playing to the anger and hurt of the women in the audience, with little true respect for either the men or the women. Rarely have I seen a genuine compassion and love in these so-called relationship experts’ diatribes against men. Why is that? It is a lot easier to complain about men’s disengagement from our relationships than it is to attempt to understand where it comes from and what else might be going on.

My work is all about how we find the tools to create healthy relationships when very few of us were given the tools we needed to succeed. Part of the Water is not seeing how men have ended up with these relationship challenges but rather judging men’s difficulty in relationships as an inherent – and even insuperable – deficit. God knows I will not win any awards for the relationships I work my ass off to foster and grow. I will never do it perfectly and the Man Rules can still often rule the moment for me – and maybe even the day sometimes. But I will never stop trying because I believe that the love I have experienced is what life is all about. I believe in that journey I will become the best man that I could ever be.

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