As a kid, you probably wanted to be cool. And if you were a boy, being cool meant being tough. Being tough meant being able to fight and win. If you weren’t tough, you immediately felt inadequate. You weren’t going to be able to protect yourself, you weren’t going to be able to protect anyone else, and women were not going to be attracted to you.

But, as with every Man Rule, there’s a positive side. The Fight Rule and The Protector Rule are closely related. Often the fight can inspire men to protect and defend the people, institutions, and values that we hold dear.

In this episode, Allen and Dan talk about their conflicting feelings of fear, shame, and pride in their own personal histories with fighting.

The post What Men Would Tell You… About Fighting appeared first on Dan Griffin.

This episode is a replay of one we first posted in back in 2017. Gillette’s recent “Toxic Masculinity” ad recently brought ideas about the ways in which men are portrayed in popular media to the mainstream. Dr. Andrew Smiler has studied men and media for many years, and share some great insights. It’s definitely worth revisiting! 

If you were a social anthropologist and you wanted to understand the norms and values of some ancient society, you’d likely take a look at their cultural artifacts. You’d closely examine their writings, paintings, sculptures, etc., to look for clues regarding how people within a certain culture were expected to behave and interact with the people around them.

1000 years from now, when anthropologists somehow get their hands on our TV shows, they’re going to learn a thing or two about how men were supposed to behave in our society if they wanted to be respected or admired: Save the day, always have a witty comeback handy, be aloof – or a doof – in your relationships, and get the girl. Any girl. Actually, all the girls. And only girls, of course. As many as possible (and pretty much all of them are possible because you are the guy no girl can— or should— resist.)

Hopefully, the writings of researcher and therapist Dr. Andrew Smiler will survive until that day, so that future scholarly types can get a fuller picture of our off-screen reality, which is that most men are not promiscuous, most men do value intimacy and relationships, and most men, in fact, are not “most men.” He and Dan share some concrete strategies on how to show up as the man you want to be, not necessarily the man advertised on TV.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

The post Not as Seen on TV appeared first on Dan Griffin.

“99” by Steve Bowbrick is licensed under CC by 2.0

Is “keeping it 100” a thing people still say these days? Many eons ago, back in 2015, it meant “to be you, be honest, be true to yourself and the people you love, be unapologetic but respectful at the same time.” In other words, it has pretty much been the goal of The Man Rules podcast from the beginning. We wanted to create a space, figuratively speaking, where men could show up and have open and honest conversations about who they were and who they were becoming as they began to become more aware of The Man Rules and break free from them.

So, here on the eve of the 100th episode, Dan and Andrea talk about what they’ve learned from the first two years of making The Man Rules podcast, and what they hope the show may become.

Please email us at [email protected], and let us know where you think the show should go in 2019 and beyond. We’d love to hear your ideas on guests, topics, and/or just your general opinions about the ideas expressed in each episode. You can also find us on Twitter and Facebook, of course.

The post Keeping it 100 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

If you think about it, nearly every story we pay attention to is one about transformation. The main character in your favorite movie likely starts out in one state, something happens, and they end up in a different state by the time the credits roll. The transformation can be mental, physical, spiritual, or a combination of all three… And the something that happens can be a giant, cataclysmic event, or a very small, almost imperceptible awakening to a new way of seeing the world. Really, that’s what each of our Deep Dive episodes is about–the story of how one man started out as X and ended up as Y.

So, in this episode, in which we turn the tables and have someone interview DAN this time, it made sense for the story to be about transformation itself. Dan’s life has been a series of transformations. And, they’ve been the kind of transformations that require a person to really see the good, bad, and ugly about themselves and the world around them, and gently accept it all for what it is, while still fighting for change–the kind of change that, on both an individual and societal level, can bring about a greater sense of peace and freedom. Dan talks about the hows and whys behind some of his transformations and offers tips for those who are going through their own journeys of personal change.

Oh. And there are also jokes.

The post Transformers appeared first on Dan Griffin.

I had the pleasure of having a conversation with Adam Lamb. The idea was to talk about how various types of masculinity impact the workplace. (Side Note: I am trying not to use the term “toxic masculinity” anymore because I realized I fundamentally disagree with it. It is too easy to use that to mean men are toxic or to dismiss outright certain expressions of masculinity that may not be as “cool” or “woke.” The men we most want to reach probably aren’t going to listen if that’s the term we’re using. I’m still working on a new term that better fits. Maybe, traumatized masculinity but I am not sure. I digress.) And we did talk about that. And much more including the role that conscious men – or harmonized men, as Adam talks about it – can take in the ongoing #metoo conversation. It was a cool conversation with a man who has a lot of unique life experience.

Practical Tactical

1. Men need to find a place where they can own all of who they are in neutrality. In other words: accept themselves and own all of their imperfections without judgment and shame.
2. Join a men’s group. If you can’t find one, start one! Get on Meetup.com. There are online resources to guide you on how to do it.
3. Body work. Some type of body work. There are numerous ways that we can take care of our bodies. Our spirit is the rider and our body is the horse. Start with something to honor the horse!

You can learn more about Adam at www.Adammlamb.com

Check out his new book An Initiated Man

Adam Lamb was born in Medford Mass in the turbulent 1960’s. His mother is a Cuban immigrant and his father was a Professor of Modern Languages at Purdue University. Adam spent most of his life as a professional chef, writing non fiction in between cooking fish. A story teller since an early age, Adam sang in an all original rock and roll band in the 90’s, writing all the lyrics, arrangements and recording three cd’s with the South Florida band, Blind Pilot. He has three siblings as well as three grown children, and one grandson who all wish to remain nameless lest they get connected, socially, to Adam’s infirmity and self indulgence. He is a sought after speaker on the issues of purpose, leading a thriving life and enjoying successful relationships. Following a conversation where the right questions were finally asked, Adam has dedicated himself to paying forward the freedom with which he now lives his life. He now coaches and guides those who are looking to take action in creating the lives they know is possible. He hosts a weekly Facebook Live called ‘The Morning MAN-ifesto’ and a monthly podcast, ‘MAN-ifesto Radio’. Adam’s published works include: Getting Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable, Profanity & Its Proper Use and An Initiated Man, Finally. His newest book, ‘Circle Jerk – Lessons of Manhood My Father Never Taught Me’ is due out in summer 2019.

The post In Like a Lamb, Out Like a Lion appeared first on Dan Griffin.

It’s rarely easy for any of us to say “I love you” for the first time. But, this can be especially true when one straight guy loves another straight guy. Of course, those times are changing. Especially thanks to your friends at Budweiser all of those years ago. 

The Water doesn’t leave much room for expressing all the different types of love that men experience. It’s okay to express familial love, and it’s okay to express love for a person you are interested in having sex with or currently having sex with, but expressing love for someone who is not blood-related and/or a potential sex partner? That’s just WEIRD, man. Or strictly verboten.

This week our guest Bob Nickman joins Dan for a Deep Dive on why, even in a culture that frowns on it, it’s worth taking the risk of telling your closest male friends that you love them. It’s one way to tear the social barriers that prevent men from developing close, nurturing friendships with other men. Bob and Dan talk about their own fears in expressing those feelings, and what the result has been of taking the risk.

Practical & Tactical

1. The next time you feel like you have a friend that you love — say it.
2. Put a “comma man” after it the first time. Make it a little less vulnerable.
3. You don’t need to hear it back for it to matter.
4. In the next month, find one man to whom you can say it. And do it!

About Our Guest

Bob Nickman is an American comedian, actor, television producer, and television writer. As a television producer/writer, his credits include Mad About You, Freaks and Geeks, Danny, According to Jim, Big Day, Rita Rocks and Roseanne. As an actor, he appeared in four episodes of Roseanne from 1994 to 1995, as well as guest starring in an episode of Designing Women in 1990, his acting debut. He also appeared in the films Shakes the Clown (1991) and Crossing the Bridge (1992). He is a native of Cleveland, Ohio and performed stand-up comedy for much of the 1980s. He is currently the host of The Exploding Human Podcast where he interviews people in the fields of health and healing in body, mind and spirit. 

Mentioned in This Episode

The 7 Types of Love

“Guy Love” from Scrubs

The post I Love You…Man appeared first on Dan Griffin.

It’s been said that men are women are from totally different planets. All of the struggles they have in relating to one another are a result of the fact that they are just two totally different species, and the only way to bridge the gap is to study the culture, habits, and communication styles of the other and try to adapt the best you can.

There’s only one, small, potential problem with that approach. It may put some of us in a mindset that, when communicating with our partners, we should seek primarily to be understood rather than to understand. Or perhaps we resign ourselves to the idea that we will never truly understand or know our partner. It sets you up to think that your relationship is about developing the best offense or defense based on what you know about your opponent’s playing style. It’s more about protecting and less about connecting.  

Dan says that it’s more like men are from France, and women are from Spain. They do both speak different languages, but the words in each language come from the same root. (i.e. Latin.)    

That’s why Dan is working on a new book, What Men Would Tell You If They Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV with his good friend Dr. Allen Berger. Allen is back on the podcast this week to help explain the aim behind the book, and to give a few pointers on beginning a process of healthy struggle with your partner. Dan and Allen share tips on how to stay connected during the day-to-day ups and downs of your relationship, and how to allow your difference to make you stronger as individuals, and as a couple. You’ll also hear a preview of the 10 Man Rules Dan and Allen will cover in upcoming episodes – as well as in their forthcoming book.

We’d love to hear what you think about this episode, AND/OR to hear about your experiences with the Man Rule we’ll be covering next month. Please email [email protected] with your questions and comments. Or reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

Practical and Tactical

Tune in to The Man Rules podcast the third week of every month, to hear Dan and Allen break down the following Man Rules:

1. The Don’t Cry Rule
2. The Always Be in Control Rule
3. The Don’t Be Vulnerable or Weak Rule
4. The Success Rule
5. The Protector Rule
6. The Fight Rule
7. The Be Cool Rule
8. The Sex Rule
9. The Winning Rule
10. The Know It All Rule

Mentioned in This Episode

Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus – John Gray

Dr. Walter Kempler

I and Thou, Martin Buber

Alexythymia

The post What Men Would Tell You… About Women appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Men are four times more likely to die by suicide than women, and their depression is more likely to manifest as anger and violence. As this week’s guest, Terry Real, puts it men either feel that they are failing the agenda or that the agenda is failing them.

Men today are awash in intense conflicting messages about what it means to be a man. And, they are finding that the things that they once took for granted as the rewards for following The Man Rules–the right job, financial security, sex, marriage, family–are not as easily guaranteed as they’d been taught.

There’s a lot for men to be depressed about these days. The Man Rules may be limiting in many, many ways, but for a while, they at least provided solid ground for men to stand on. Lately, that ground has begun to crumble beneath their feet.

The challenge is that men don’t necessarily know that they are depressed. In fact, it can be quite easy for them to miss it. So how can we help them see it? What can their partners do?

This episode will help you understand how depression shows up differently in men and give you some practical advice on how to recognize and address the symptoms in yourself and others. While it’s true that these changes will likely lead to more opportunities for both men and women in the future, it’s important to make sure that we don’t lose too many men in the shuffle.

Practical and Tactical

1. Depression in men often hides behind anger, addiction, and other forms of acting out. Address those behaviors first. Once you do, the underlying depression will come to the surface and can be addressed.
2. Empower the spouses of depressed men to stand up to them and guide them toward getting help.
3. The root of male depression is disconnection. Reconnecting with your own vulnerability is an important step toward reconnecting.

About Our Guest

Terry Real is a family therapist and author who focuses on men’s issues and couples therapy. After struggling to overcome his own issues with depression, he published the book I Don’t Want to Talk About It, which addresses the unique ways men cope with depression. The book, which became a bestseller, led Real to realize the importance of addressing this issue on a larger scale. In 2002, he founded the Relational Recovery Institute, which aims to offer healing and wholeness to men through their own resources, with the support and engagement of the parents and partners in their lives.

Real serves as a faculty member at the Family Institute of Cambridge, in Massachusetts, and he is the former director of the Gender Relations Program at the Meadows Institute in Arizona. Real maintains a private practice in Massachusetts and continues to present lectures on relationship issues and to teach men how to achieve a fully rewarding and satisfying life.

Real has been recognized by his peers as a pioneer in bringing to light the often understated and hidden psychological issues that face men in and out of relationships. He has been featured on national television programs and has had his work with male clients made into a documentary titled All Men Are Sons.

Mentioned in This Episode

Terry Real’s website

Relational Life Therapy Training

I Don’t Want to Talk About It (Book)

Michael Kimmel

Angry White Men (Book)

Erik Erikson

The post Why Aren’t I Happy? Men and Depression appeared first on Dan Griffin.

If you want to change old patterns of thought and behavior—like choosing more consciously how The Man Rules fit into your life—you’re going to need to broaden your perspective and gain some personal insight. There’s no better way to do that than reading. I know, I know… No one has time for that these days. Not in a world of smart phones and Netflix. But, if you’re serious about developing a practice that will lead you toward a more conscious masculinity, I strongly encourage to add reading to your repertoire–even if it’s only a page or two a day.

Each month I’ll be sharing three books that have helped me along the way…

Unspoken Legacy

by Claudia Black

It took me a long time, but when I finally started to acknowledge and come to terms with the emotional trauma I experienced growing up, I started on a path to better relationships and a more fulfilling life. Dr. Claudia Black’s work has served as a guidepost for me throughout that process. Her latest book is a wonderful exploration of systemic impact trauma has on families and how it is unwittingly passed down from generation to generation.

If you’re a man who wants to better understand why you struggle in your own life and relationships and begin the process of real and lasting change, this book may be the roadmap you need.

Stop Hurting the Woman You Love: Breaking the Cycle of Abusive Behavior

by Charlie Donaldson, Randy Flood, and Elaine Eldridge

It’s rare to find a book for men who act out aggressively and violently that offers a degree of compassion without abdicating personal responsibility. This is one of those rare books. The book helps men process and overcome their shame, understand the reasons for their behavior and own their responsibility in stopping the behavior. In particular, Randy Flood and his co-authors emphasize the need for men to develop their own core practice of empathy because you can’t continue abusive behavior and practice empathy at the same time.

The Last Flower

by James Thurber

This short cartoon by James Thurber, famed author, and contributor to The New Yorker, is a powerful parable about humankind’s inability to learn from its past mistakes. On the macro level, it’s about war; it was published in 1939, two months before WWII began. But, on a micro level, it’s about every person who’s at war with themselves. It reminds us to learn the necessary lessons to end the cycle of our own unnecessary suffering and self-destruction.

Tell me About Your Favorite Books

Do you have some favorite books that have changed the way you think about men and relationships? Email your recommendations to [email protected] or tweet it @authordgriffin or reach out on Facebook.

The post RecomMENded Reading – April appeared first on Dan Griffin.

The Man Rules do not prepare men to navigate the rocky emotional terrain of their day-to-day lives. So, what happens when childhood sexual abuse and emotional abuse make that terrain much, much rockier than average?

In most cases, it leads to men suffering in silence from profound depression, crippling anxiety, rage, addiction, and behaviors that are destructive to themselves and others. Larry Ruhl, our guest this week, was on such a path until his caring partner encouraged him to get help. His father began sexually abusing him at age 4, and he was constantly subjected to his narcissistic mother’s verbal abuse, manipulation, and violent rages. Teased and berated for not being man enough; seduced and abused for his sensitivity and vulnerability.

He shares his story with Dan and proves that no matter how men have suffered, or how limited they’ve been by The Man Rules, there is hope and there is a better way forward.

Larry’s story is the first to be featured in our new series of Deep Dive episodes, where we ask one man to share about his struggles in learning to live authentically in spite of The Man Rules. If you can identify with any of this story please find someone with whom you can talk and consider getting help and support. You deserve peace and you don’t have to suffer alone.

Practical and Tactical

1. Allow yourself to indulge in a creative activity without judgment. Find a creative outlet that allows you to express a part of yourself that you don’t let other people see.
2. Challenge yourself to get unstuck. Identify something you over and over that causes you and others pain, hold you back living the kind of life you want to live, or just irritates you in some way. Find a path to get unstuck that works for you. Could be therapy, support groups, developing deeper friendships and connections, speaking out, etc. 
3. Men, as we know, are expected to be the provider, the tough guy, the Sex God, etc.—Find some way to shed all of that crap and do something that’s just for you.

About Our Guest

Larry Ruhl is the author of Breaking the Ruhls, a memoir about recovering from childhood sexual abuse and complex trauma. He is a registered speaker with the RAINN network (Rape Abuse Incest National Network). He previously served as a board member at Male Survivor. He also spoke at colleges and retreats to increase awareness of sexual abuse against men and boys. Today he shares his story publicly to spread awareness and to help others shed the shame and stigma associated with sexual abuse. He graduated from the Fashion Institute of Technology (FIT), with a degree in Display & Exhibit Design.

Mentioned in This Episode

Breaking the Rules (Larry’s Memoir)

Larry on Twitter and Facebook

Little Boxes (Song by Malvina Reynolds)

The post Breaking the Ruhls (and The Rules) appeared first on Dan Griffin.

The first phase in bringing about positive change is raising awareness. (In other words, the first step is recognizing and admitting that there is a problem.) So, this month, and every month, we’re bringing your awareness to articles, studies, and podcasts that shine a light on the unique struggles men face in today’s society.

Men Need Self-Care Too

Unfortunately, the phrase “self-care” has been reduced to little more than an advertising buzzword. It’s used over and over to try to sell spa packages, candles, and Yoga classes to women. This week, Popular Science magazine reminds us that self-care is about more than manicures and expensive vacations. AND, that it’s not just for wealthy white women…

• People who need self-care the most aren’t getting it. Just ask a trucker. – PopSci.com

Support for Men with Cheating Spouses

We love “Thanks for Sharing” podcast hosts Jackie P. and Jon T. Whether you’re a person in recovery or just a person struggling to carry your own emotional baggage (i.e. everyone), each time you listen to their podcast you walk away feeling less alone. And, they are definitely woke— as the kids say these days— to The Man Rules. (Not to brag or anything, but they did even have Dan on as a guest once…)   

In this episode, they aim their compassion and understanding toward male partners of sex addicts. Note: This means that women can be sex addicts— Shocker!

They point out all the ways in which The Man Rules discourage men from seeking support for the often devastating experience of being cheated on by a spouse or partner. Although the discussion focuses specifically on men with female partners who identify as sex addicts, the same principles can apply to any man who has experienced the pain of learning that the person he loves has been unfaithful.

• Male Partners of Sex Addicts – Thanks for Sharing podcast

Male Survivors of Sexual Assault Are Breaking the Silence

“But as any Freudian will tell you trauma is stronger than any mask; it can’t be buried and it can’t be killed. It’s the revenant that won’t stop, the ghost that’s always coming for you.”

Every attempt we’ve made to write a summary of best-selling author Junot Díaz’s devastating yet inspiring essay has failed miserably to capture its power and significance. So, please, just go read it, let it sink into your bones, and it let spur you into action on behalf of male survivors of childhood trauma.

But we want to be very clear: you can heal from trauma. The ghosts haunting you can be tamed. The narrative of your life can be rewritten. We have to tell the stories so the voiceless have a voice and The Man Rules have less of a stranglehold on the hearts of men. We honor Mr. Diaz for his courage.

• The Silence: The Legacy of Childhood Trauma by Junot Díaz writing for The New Yorker

Send Us Your Favorite Links!

Have you run across a great article, study, or podcast that changed the way you think about men and relationships? Email it to [email protected] or tweet it @authordgriffin.

The post Consciousness Raising: April 2018 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Justin Baldoni:

Why I’m done trying to be “man enough”

Actor Justin Baldoni knows a thing or two about following a script, both onstage and off. As a kid, he found himself struggling to fit in with the other boys at school and was angry at his “unmanly” father for not being the type of guy who was into the usual “guy stuff.” As he became a young adult he was even a bit complicit in reinforcing negative male stereotypes through his work as an actor and model. Now, as a husband and father himself, he’s stepped up to be a game-changer for his generation, by proving to men and boys that it’s okay to just be themselves.

Tony Porter:

A call to men

‘There are many wonderful things about being a man… but there’s some stuff that’s just straight up twisted.” And as he demonstrates in his talk the twisted stuff can sometimes lead a man to compromise his own values, and his own humanity, before he risks violating any of The Man Rules. Tony makes a passionate argument for helping men break out of the man box and changing the way we raise our sons and daughters.

Jackson Katz:

Violence against women—it’s a men’s issue

The central argument of Jackson Katz’s talk is only one of the remarkable things about it. He also manages to deliver this message in a way that demonstrates how it’s possible to show up in a way that is both “masculine” and vulnerable. His voice is strong, but it shakes a little, he is unhalting in his assertions but often pauses mid-sentence, there’s a “tough love” quality to his tone, but at times he seems nearly moved to tears. It all adds up to a very powerful 18 minutes, and an irresistible call to action. But, I do have one reservation: he focuses only on the need for “good” people to intervene when they witness abusive behavior. It doesn’t mention the need to provide resources for the men who offend to help them stop the abusive behavior. But, none of that detracts from the power and importance of his overall message.

What are some of your favorite TED Talks for men?

The post Three TED Talks That Are Changing The Meaning of “Man Up” appeared first on Dan Griffin.

A major shift is happening in how we view gender, sexuality and violence. Many people, like our guest Mary Woods, see echoes of the 60s civil rights movements in this modern era of protest and consciousness raising. But, many men feel confused about their place in these movements. In the stories we hear day after day, men are the perpetrators of the sexual violence, racial violence, and gun violence. Much of the conversation focuses on how to change men–and no doubt, change is needed. But, as Dan often says, “We can’t just change what men think, we have to change what we think about men.”

Change cannot happen when people are silenced or dismissed. The Women’s Movement has had its success through teaching women how to understand the day-to-day mechanics of their oppression and the importance of speaking out against them. In order to speak out, they had to build a huge community of people who would lend their support and make it safe for them to speak out and take action.

We have to do the same for men.

In this episode Dan and Mary talk about the ways that we can support men as they confront the injustices of their socialization as men (i.e. be the biggest, the baddest, the richest, the meanest), wrestle with their relationships to power, and try to build a canal through the muddy waters of gender expectation.

Practical and Tactical

1. Sit down with someone of a different gender and ask them “What is your experience like living in our society today? What was living in your family like? And listen. Then, ask yourself if your ideas and perspectives changed, even just a little.
2. Look at the history of the women’s rights movement, the civil rights movement, and treatment of veterans. If you don’t study your history, you’re doomed to repeat it.
3. Join a group that will help you look at things from a different perspective. Joining with others to tell the truth about your experiences and listen closely as they tell the truth about theirs.

About Our Guest

Mary Ryan Woods holds a master’s degree in human service administration, is a Board Certified Licensed Registered Nurse and a Licensed Alcohol and Drug Abuse Counselor, who has over 37 years’ experience in substance abuse services and community mental health programs. Woods began her career in the addictions profession working in a variety of settings. Currently, she is the Executive Officer for WestBridge Community Services a private, nonprofit organization dedicated to the treatment of individuals and families with co-occurring mental illness and substance use disorders. WestBridge has programs in New Hampshire and Florida. She is a Past President for NAADAC the association of addiction professionals.

Mentioned in This Episode

WestBridge

Dual Diagnosis

The Post (movie)

George Carlin

All in The Family

The Lion’s Paw (Note: There are several variations of this story.)

Dialectical Behavior Therapy

The post Muddy Waters – Episode 56 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

The truth—as both Dan and his guest Dr. Michael Levittan see it—is that the ways we raise boys and girls to relate to one another is dysfunctional at best, personally damaging and emotionally debilitating at worst. The consequences of this reality range from domestic violence and sexual assault to a life full of disconnection and dissatisfaction in relationships.

So how do imperfect people and imperfect parents such as ourselves, with our own struggles and hang-ups when it comes to power dynamics in relationships, show our children a better way? According to Dr. Michael, one way is to raise them without consequences.

For those of us who are parents, that sounds crazy, right? Irresponsible, even! But, the remarkable thing about Dr. Michael’s approach, is that it can help kids, teenagers, and young adults make space in their minds so that they can actually think for themselves about the potential consequences of their actions and have a productive conversation with their parent(s) without the fear, resentment, or anger—feelings that so often get in the way of kids (and adults!) ability to make good decisions.  

Practical and Tactical

1. Our kids aren’t the only ones who need to evolve and grow over time. We have to evolve and grow right along with them to be good parents.
2. Perform regular self-assessments. “How did that conversation go? How could I have done that better? What steps could I have taken to get better control over my emotions before starting the conversation? What will I do differently next time?”
3. Every parent has bad moments, but children often feel unloved when we yell or display harshness, distance, or coldness. When you do feel angry at your child, try to have empathy for what they may be feeling and remind them of your unconditional love: “I’m really angry at you, but my love for you is as strong as ever.”

About Our Guest

Dr. Michael (Levittan) is an accomplished and recognized expert on domestic violence, anger management, child abuse, trauma and PTSD. He is a licensed psychotherapist, director of a state certified batterers’ treatment program, serves as an Expert Witness in court, teaches seminars and courses at UCLA Extension, National Alliance on Mental Illness, International Conference on Violence, Abuse, and Trauma, Inter-Agency Council on Child Abuse and Neglect, L.A. Superior Court, California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, U.S. Marines, Women’s Shelters, etc. He appeared as an expert on the Tyra Banks Show, Starting Over, Bad Girls Club, Montel Williams, Hollywood 411, and in radio, online, and print publications. Dr. Michael s believes in working to further the cause of establishing safety in the family and peace in the world. His passion and determination come across in his presentations.

Mentioned in This Episode

His Story, Her Story by Debra Warner

michaellevittan.com

The post Truth and Consequences – Episode 55 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

What kind of man do you want to be? And, what’s keeping you from being that man? Chances are, one of the things getting in that way is unresolved pain from the past. “Ah, horse shit!” you say. “I can’t stand those people who blame their parents and their teachers and their schoolyard bullies for everything. Just get over it already!”

So, here’s the bad news: the impact of childhood, relational trauma—the type of trauma that falls more in line with day-to-day instances of verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and emotional neglect—is not just the stuff of daytime TV talk shows. It’s been the subject of rigorous scientific study for some years now and has been shown time and again to not only have a negative impact on your behavior, but also on your actual physical health. (Read more about the ACEs Study for details.)  

But, here’s the good news. According to our guest Dr. Mike Barnes, you can change the past—Kind of. Sometimes understanding how and why you struggled within your family can help you change your story. Did you know you wrote it? That means you can rewrite it!

And, if you struggle with anger, anxiety, depression, or addiction, identifying the traumas that may have triggered those struggles can allow you to take advantage of the many groundbreaking treatment options that have become available in recent years, including EMDR and neurofeedback.

If your aim is to live a life that’s more intentional and more fulfilling than the one that was modeled for you growing up, this is a topic you won’t want to shy away from. It’s not about blaming other people for your problems–it’s about taking responsibility for your own behaviors through deeper self-knowledge.

Practical and Tactical

1. Remember that every thought, feeling, behavior, and interaction you have feels normal to you primarily because they were the thoughts, feelings, behaviors, interactions that became normal to your through your relationships with your family of origin. You can do a lot of therapy or behavioral work that is focused on you as individual, but you’ll stay stuck at a surface level if you don’t face any issues related to your family’s dynamics.
   
2. Find a therapist who understands the neurobiological elements of emotional trauma and can teach you how to regulate your emotions and reactions using the latest, scientifically-proven treatment options.
3. In addition to individual, trauma-informed therapy, look for groups to join. As humans, we are wired for connection. The connections you make in group settings teach you how to ask for help, accept help, and offer help to others, which are all key components of healing and growth.

About our Guest

Dr. Michael Barnes is the Chief Clinical Officer at Foundry Treatment Center in Steamboat Springs, Colorado.  Working with his clinical team at Foundry, Dr Barnes is developing a trauma-integrated treatment process. His areas of responsibility included clinical oversight of all clinical programs, new program development, clinical supervision, and oversight of clinical record keeping. Dr. Barnes continues to present at national conferences, invited presentations, and as a guest lecturer at universities on the subjects of trauma, addiction, and the impact of trauma and addiction on family systems.

Mentioned in This Episode

ACEs study

Resilience: The Science of Managing Life’s Greatest Challenges by Steven Southwick and Dennis Charney

Pathways from the Culture of Addiction to the Culture of Recovery by William L. White.

EMDR

Neurofeedback and Biofeedback

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)

“That episode we did with that Canadian guy” (Connor Beaton)

The Foundry

Dr.MikeBarnes.com

The post Can You Change the Past? – Episode 54 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

As men, we often define ourselves by degrees of career success. It’s not enough to produce good work–you have to produce the best work. It’s not enough to provide a modest, but comfortable living for yourself and/or your family–you have to provide enough for the bigger houses, the best neighborhoods, the best schools. It’s not enough to have published a couple of books that you’re proud of–maybe they could have been New York Times bestsellers if you’d have worked harder. Whether your job is in a business setting, or inside your home as the caretaker for your family, it’s not enough to just be present and try to contribute to the whole in a way that’s authentic and meaningful to you–if you aren’t making tons of money or getting tons of recognition for it, haven’t you failed somehow?

In this very special solo episode of the podcast, Dan says, “Nope” and “Fuck you.” JUST KIDDING. Instead, he speaks very sincerely about his own struggles with having enough and being enough. And, about his own uncertainty as to whether his drive for greater and greater success in the field of men’s health and recovery over the past decade was really born of his own true passions, or from an unconscious acceptance of The Man Rule that told him what kind of success he should want.

We’d love to hear your own stories about this struggle, which we know is a common one for so many people. Hop over to our brand-new, closed Facebook group, to talk about it with other like-minded men and women.

The post When Your Dream Is Not Your Dream – Episode 53 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Visit the children’s clothing aisles in your favorite department store, and you’ll quickly see how deeply obsessed we are with gender dichotomies. You can be either masculine or feminine, dolls or trucks, pink or blue. You can either be tough or you can be soft. You can either be objective or you can be emotional. You can either be devoted to family or devoted to career. Everything is either/or, rarely both/and.

This means that in order  to embody our cultural idea of masculinity, men have to give up any and all claims to traits or behaviors we label as “feminine.” This forces men to detach from the fullness of the human experience.

In order to change the ways we think about men–and help men change the ways they think about themselves–we have to be able to hold competing truths in our heads–You CAN be a total badass and total sweetie pie at the same time. We also have to stop looking at men who display hyper-masculine perspectives and behavior and calling them “typical.” They’re not. They are extreme examples. In order to change unfair expectations about who men can and should be, we have to focus on what’s really going on with men who live between the extremes.

In this episode, Dan talks to psychologist Dr. Ryan McKelley who helps shed some light on what is really going on in between the extremes and how men can tune in to the full range of their emotions to develop more self-discipline and make more meaningful connections.

Practical and Tactical

1. Tune out to tune it. Tune out the most extreme stories in your news feed about men behaving badly. Instead, start focusing on how average men live their day-to-day lives. Look for men who model who you want to be and how you want to behave.
2. When you find yourself out of control emotionally or responding impulsively during stressful conversations or events, hit the instant replay button. Slow down the event in your mind and try to understand the series of events that led up to your reaction. Analyze the play and try to come up with two or three alternatives you can use the next time similar feelings start to come up.
3. Take a small risk and make a deeper connection. Start with people in your life who you’ve known and trusted for a long time — a sibling, friend or partner.  Try to go a little deeper in the next conversation you have with them. Share a thought or feeling makes you feel vulnerable.

About Our Guest

Ryan A. McKelley, Ph.D. is a Licensed Psychologist, Associate Professor of Clinical/Counseling Psychology, and Department Chair at the University of Wisconsin-La Crosse. He earned a B.S. in Organizational Communication from Northwestern University, and a M.A. in Educational Psychology and Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the University of Texas at Austin. He regularly teaches courses on health psychology, behavior modification, abnormal psychology, group counseling, and men and masculinities. In addition to his teaching and research, Dr. McKelley has provided clinical services in a community mental health center, three university counseling centers, and a pain clinic. He currently provides contract clinical services in individual and group therapy, and clinical supervision. He’s been a weekly discussant on the internet radio show and iTunes podcast The Secret Lives of Men, and is President-Elect for the Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity, a division of the American Psychological Association.

Mentioned in This Episode

Dr. Ryan McKelley’s TEDx Talk

The post Tune Out to Tune In – Episode 52 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

For Jason MacKenzie, everything was going as planned. He had a great job, a beautiful wife, two kids, a nice house, and a nice car. So, how did he one day find himself, widowed, and drinking until he passed out (again) on his couch, while his heartbroken 9-year-old daughter played on the floor alone?  

On this episode of The Man Rules podcast, Jason explains how he radically changed his life by stepping outside of his alpha male persona and embracing his long-hidden emotionality, sensitivity, and creativity through vulnerability. You’ll learn more about his mission to help other men discover the power of emotion through his Mental Health Warriors project and hear his Practical and Tactical Tips for living a more authentic life. He and Dan also discuss the differences between the problematic use of alcohol and addiction, and paths available to recovery.

Practical and Tactical Tips

1. There is so much knowledge and wisdom to be gained through your emotions. Allow yourself to feel every single one. You don’t have to let them dictate your decisions in order to learn from them.
2. Be willing to share your story in order to help others. This doesn’t mean that you have no boundaries and share anything and everything and with anyone and everyone. It means that you recognize when someone is struggling, and offer to share your story if you think it will help them.
3. When you start to step into your emotions, you are going to create opportunities for yourself that you’ve never even imagined before. Learn to embrace those opportunities and to learn from disappointment and failure.

Bonus: If you’d like to talk to someone about what you’re going through right now, you can book a complimentary two-hour conversation with Jason at MentalHealthWarriors.com.

About Our Guest

Jason MacKenzie is an expert on peak human performance. His philosophy, experience, and methods are born from the laboratory of his own life and the lives of the people he serves. A father, published author, experienced speaker, and proven leader Jason is sharing the important life lessons he has learned from his harrowing personal journey. He is a survivor of his wife’s battle with bipolar disorder and subsequent suicide and has overcome a decade-long battle with alcohol. His goal is to equip every man with the tools to become a better father, leader, and human being. Find out more at MentalHealthWarriors.com

Mentioned on The Show

The Mental Health Warriors Podcast

Terry Real – “The impact of male socialization is disconnection.”

Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability

The post What’s Left When It All Falls Away – Episode 51 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

In this episode of The Man Rules podcast, The Deep Dive Guys (Tim Walsh, Michael Dinneen, and Dan) talk about the ways in which they felt “different” as kids, the consequences, both internal and external, that they experienced for breaking The Man Rules, and the ways in which they are striving to change the rules and make things different for their kids.

What does it mean to be a “sensitive man” or a “tough girl?” How can we make sure that the gender-positive message we send our kids at home override the negative message they receive out in the world?

Mentioned in This Episode

Pictures of Tim’s Most Recent Outdoor Adventure

Anchorman, one our producer’s favorite movies of all time, which was only alluded to because none of the guys could remember its name, leaving said producer trapped in a glass case of outrage and emotion.  Insert video clip: https://youtu.be/5fmHCNfowbQ

About the Deep Dive Guys

For more information about Tim Walsh, check out his website timwalshconsulting.com. And, you can find Michael Dinneen on LinkedIn.

The post The Deep Dive Guys Do It Differently – Episode 49 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Roy Moore. Harvey Weinstein. Bill Cosby. These are “bad guys,” right? They represent the extreme end of the sexual misconduct spectrum. Most men can easily say they don’t identify with any of these guys. They have never done the things these men have done and never would do the things these men have done. There are bad guys, and there are good guys, and they are good guys. They are not sexist. They have mothers! Sisters! Daughters! They would never mistreat women, or speak about them in a demeaning way—End of story. Open and shut case.

But… We all live in The Water. And if we really want things to change for the better for both women and men, we have to take a closer look. In this bonus episode, Dan talks about what sexism really looks like in our day-to-day lives, and explains why men need to reckon with their privilege without getting bogged down in feelings of shame and disempowerment.

Practical & Tactical

1. When someone is talking about their experiences as a woman, person of color, gay person, queer person, transgender person, etc., and your first thought is, “That doesn’t even make sense! That’s not the way I see things!” Pause. Turn any impulse to become defensive into curiosity. Instead of stating all the ways that you disagree with their perspective, ask questions that may help you better understand their perspective.

2. Listen. Listen with full attention, full consciousness, and full humanity.

3. When it is your turn to share your perspective, speak with caveats in order to create a space for you and other to talk about differences without animosity. Mandy Smith, writing for Missio Alliance, offers this excellent advice:

“Beginning with ‘I’d love to hear your perspective on this: I’m thinking…’ or ‘I may be wrong, but…’ creates space for the experience of others. It acknowledges your own subjectivity and invites conversation, trusting that the goal is for us to discover the way forward together. I know that in the white, male world, these kinds of caveats communicate insecurity. To women they communicate humility and invitation. Even if you feel pretty confident in your own opinion, it may be helpful to choose this kind of language for the sake of making space for difference.”

Mentioned in This Episode

Episode 1: How’s the Water? 

Roy Moore
Harvey Weinstein
Donald Trump

About Dan

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity.

Dan’s work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. Griffin’s book, A Man’s Way through Relationships, is the first book written specifically to help men create healthy relationships while navigating the challenges of the “Man Rules,” those ideas men internalize at very young ages about how to be real boys and men. In 2015, Dan was honored to be named a Senior Fellow at the world-renowned leader for treating addiction and trauma, The Meadows.

Griffin’s professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. He is also the author of A Man’s Way through the Twelve Steps, the first trauma-informed book to take a holistic look at men’s sobriety. He co-authored Helping Men Recover, the first comprehensive gender-responsive and trauma-informed curriculum for addiction and mental health professionals. Griffin earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous.

The post Bonus Episode: But I’m Not Sexist appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Cheryl Sharp is an expert on trauma and resilience and a lifelong sailor. So, she knows a thing or two about dealing with rough waters, literally and figuratively. In this episode, she and Dan talk about the stunning cultural tsunami of the #MeToo movement and how it seems to be leveling and rearranging the ways in which men and women are expected to interact with one another. “The Water“–which Dan explains in the very first episode of this podcast–can destroy us, but it can also wash us clean.

If you’re a man who’s hesitant to listen to this one because you’re afraid you’ll hear only more arguments about how men are to blame, take heart. Cheryl has a great deal of empathy for men and the pain in them that often leads to inappropriate behavior. This doesn’t mean that she excuses the behavior–not at all. But, she does believe that the way forward is creating spaces where both women and men can speak openly and honestly about their feelings and their struggles.

Practical & Tactical

1. Know your history. Understand how we got here.
2. Don’t engage in a conversation about this unless you are coming from a place of inquiry. We need to always provide more questions to conversations than answers.
3. In your own personal relationships, try to stay centered. When you feel triggered, use it as an opportunity for you to step back and give yourself a little space so you can figure out where that pain is coming from.
4. Bonus!! Do your work. If #MeToo stories make you feel emotional, whether that’s sad or angry or defensive,  it’s an invitation for you to do some healing. If you stop at feeling angry, the anger will defeat you. #MeToo is a powerful invitation for all of us, no matter where you are on the gender spectrum, to change, grow and heal emotionally and spiritually.

About Our Guest

Cheryl S. Sharp, MSW, ALWF is an Exclusive Consultant to the National Council for Behavioral Health Trauma-Informed Services and Suicide Prevention Efforts.  As part of the trauma-informed care (TIC) team, Cheryl works nationally to facilitate TIC Learning Communities and is a content expert on trauma, resilience and TIC implementation.  Her role as Exclusive Consultant for Suicide Prevention is to work nationally with National Council partners engaged in moving the needle on preventing suicide.  

Cheryl is a person in long-term recovery from mental health and addiction challenges.  She is a nine-time suicide attempt survivor who believes that understanding what happened to people changes the conversation from what is wrong with them.  Sharp has worked with adult trauma survivors for over 30 years and is passionate about the fact that people can and do recover and go on to live happy, healthy and productive lives.

Prior to becoming an exclusive consultant for the National Council, Cheryl started and led all of the National Council’s trauma-informed initiatives.  She led On Our Own of Maryland’s Statewide Consumer Networks as the WRAP Outreach Coordinator and was the Executive Director of the STAR Process located in Arizona as well as serving on their Board of Directors.  Sharp received her BA in Psychology and a BA in Women’s Studies, followed by her Master’s Degree in Social Work from East Carolina University in North Carolina. She has done hospice social work which is also one of her ongoing passions.

Mentioned in This Episode

When Everything Changed by Gail Collins

“The Unexamined Brutality of the Male Libido” by Stephen Marche

bell hooks on the Roots of Male Violence Against Women, The New Yorker Radio Hour

The post Episode 42: Men Overboard, Cheryl Sharp on Navigating the #MeToo Sea Change appeared first on Dan Griffin.

In this episode, speaker and teacher John Wineland defines masculine and feminine polarity (think magnetic fields) and their differing energies and strengths as they relate to intimacy and sex. John talks about how personal awareness of those different energies, which he labels as feminine and masculine, lead to deeper and safer connections with our partners. (We are not sure how much we agree on the labelling of these energies in gendered terms.)

Although it all may sound a little “woo-woo,” and you may not agree with everything John says, his intentions are just like ours here at the Man Rules Podcast: to help men create and sustain more effective connections. John seeks to bring a greater spiritual awareness to men and their relationships. You’ll walk away from this show with some practical strategies you can use to learn more about yourself and your partner by paying attention to the ways in which you both express masculine and feminine energies, and how to cultivate more presence and depth within yourself and your relationships.

Practical and Tactical

1. Ask yourself, “Is this true?” and “What am I making up?” to help challenge your assumptions about your partner’s intentions.  Share your perceptions with your partner or a trusted friend and ask them to give you honest feedback. Do they think you’re off base? 
2. Try this eye gazing technique:  The masculine partner will try to match the breath of the feminine partner while looking into his/her left eye. Do this for 3 to 5 minutes. This helps to gently train your nervous system in a way that will make you more comfortable with intimacy.
3. Make a conscious effort to slow down. What if you walked more slowly through the park, or through the office? What if you spoke more slowly? What if you slowed your breath down? Would you feel more in tune with everything that was going on within you and around you? 

About Our Guest

Known for his groundbreaking work with men, John travels worldwide teaching his vision of embodied men’s work and deep relational practice.  In 2014, he founded The New Men’s Work Project, which has attracted men from around the world looking to develop as leaders in their relationships and communities. The Project is committed to the staggering goal of creating 1000 men’s groups worldwide in the next ten years and has already supported trainings and groups throughout Europe and the U.S.  John’s clients include entrepreneurs, leading thinkers in the world of personal development and entertainment, Ted speakers and creative leaders in Hollywood.

Mentioned in This Episode

John Wineland’s Website

Loving What Is, by Byron Katie

The Meadows

The Mankind Project

David Deida

Imago Dialogue

Nonviolent Communication

The post Episode 40: The Polarity Express appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Photo by MontyLov on Unsplash

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just have to find the ones worth suffering for.” – Bob Marley

When’s the last time you talked to another man about something that was going on in your life and how you were feeling about it? Something besides sports, business, or cars—Go ahead. Think about it. We’ll wait. If you’re like a lot of men (ages 25 to whatever), it’s a been a while. Loneliness and isolation is an epidemic in the western world in general, but especially among men. When men open up about the reasons they live in isolation, you often find that it is a fear of closeness and a fear of being hurt that keeps men from reaching out. “Keep people at a safe distance” is definitely a big Man Rule.

Suicide among men is at an all-time high. Something is killing men–and it’s called loneliness. Not the ABC afterschool special kind of loneliness, but the visceral loneliness of feeling completely separate and unable to share your true self and life struggles openly and honestly with anyone.

The Man Rules are pretty specific about what not to do when trying to befriend other men. Not only are many of those rules rooted in homophobia, but they also often prevent men from going beyond small talk and fart jokes in order to develop deeper, more intimate connections. (Not that there’s anything wrong with fart jokes, of course.)

In another candid and vulnerable episode, the Deep Dive Guys–Dan, Michael Dinneen, and Cody Gardner–are back to talk about their own struggles in maintaining friendships and to share strategies for developing strong and supportive connections with other men.

Practical & Tactical

1. Call somebody in your circle of friends every day to talk about what’s going on your life, and to listen–really listen–to what’s going on in theirs.
2. Be intentional about scheduling time to spend with your friends. Try setting aside a full day every month, if possible, just for “friend time.”
3. Think about the kind of friends you want to have. Focus on becoming that kind of friend for others.

Mentioned in this episode:

The biggest threat facing middle -age men isn’t smoking or obesity. It’s loneliness. (Boston Globe)

Dr. Sue Johnson

The Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks

Rollin’ with my Homies, Coolio

The post Episode 39: Rollin’ with No Homies appeared first on Dan Griffin.

But oddly, despite the fact that financial concerns underpin our entire society, money remains a taboo topic. Luckily for listeners of The Man Rules podcast, Dan and his Deep Dive Guys are willing to go there.

Listen in to this week’s episode as Dan and friends Tim Walsh and Michael Dinneen open up about their thoughts, feelings, and deepest secrets involving all things money.

If you’re willing to reexamine your own relationship with money and find the true meaning of financial freedom, this week’s tips are a great place to start.

Practical & Tactical Tips

Dan: Look for the original wound you have pertaining to money. (e.g., Your parent’s relationship to money, and how they provided–or didn’t provide–for you.) Cultivate a spiritual awareness of your own relationship with money.

Tim: Step out into the wilderness more often. Spending time in nature will help you see and understand the meaning of abundance.

Michael: Get out there and get a Powerball ticket! [He’s kidding… We think.]

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!
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About The Deep Dive Guys

For more information about Tim Walsh, check out his website timwalshconsulting.com. And, you can find Michael Dinneen on LinkedIn.

About The Man Rules Podcast Host, Dan Griffin

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. His work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. His professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous. Dan grew up in the DC area and lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Nancy, and his daughter, Grace, and has been in long-term recovery from addiction since he graduated college in May of 1994.

Mentioned in This Episode

Earn What You Deserve (Book)

Brené Brown on Scarcity and Abundance (Inc.com article)

The post Practical & Tactical Tips: The Deep Dive Guys Start Making Cents (Episode 23) appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Act now and you’ll also receive:

• The Deep Dive Guys’ thoughts on The Man Rule that requires a man to be the primary financial provider for his family
• A discussion of the shame many men feel when their wife or female partner makes more money than them
• The guys’ best tips on how to free yourself from a scarcity mindset and status anxiety.

All of which are guaranteed — well, almost guaranteed — to help you understand the true meaning of value and abundance and improve your relationship with money.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!
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About The Deep Dive Guys

For more information about Tim Walsh, check out his website timwalshconsulting.com. And, you can find Michael Dinneen on LinkedIn.

About The Man Rules Podcast Host, Dan Griffin

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. His work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. His professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous. Dan grew up in the DC area and lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Nancy, and his daughter, Grace, and has been in long-term recovery from addiction since he graduated college in May of 1994.

Mentioned in This Episode

Earn What You Deserve (Book)

Brené Brown on Scarcity and Abundance (Inc.com article)

The post Episode 22: The Deep Dive Guys Start Making Cents! Dan Griffin, Tim Walsh, and Michael Dinneen Talk Money appeared first on Dan Griffin.

If there’s one thing that Rob Weiss, MSW, knows for sure from his more than 25 years as therapist and sexologist, it’s that men don’t respond well to bullshit. That’s why his new book “Out of the Doghouse” takes care to help men understand what women go through emotionally when they’ve been cheated on without the usual shaming and finger-wagging.

Rob has spent much of his career counseling heterosexual couples torn apart by infidelity, and over and over again he’s seen men struggle to understand why their female partners just can’t “get over it” once they’ve apologized for cheating.  In this episode of The Man Rules podcast, he and Dan talk about why men cheat, how they can regroup and reconnect with their partners when they feel the urge to cheat, and how they can truly heal their relationships with their partners if they have cheated.

They also touch on some of the pros and cons of porn, the ins and outs of internet dating, and the struggles many men have today with expressing their masculinity and sexuality in healthy ways.

The post You Cheated. Now What? – Episode 7 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

There was one population, though, for whom I didn’t really get any specific instruction or support—men. At the time, I didn’t think too much about it; But, eventually, I started thinking about men and how we are and are not served by current service delivery systems.

After 7 years of presenting and training people, I am far from the only counselor who never got any instruction. In fact, it’s rare for me to meet anyone who got specialized training on men. Women? You bet. That’s because, as we all know, women are a special population. Men, however, are not because everything is already about men. All the norms have been set based on men. All the systems have been designed by men. Or so I have been told for years now. Men are the default. Plus, we all know, that men are not that complicated.

Right?

To me the question is ridiculous, and the answer is obvious. Of course men are much more complicated than we give them credit for, and our failure to recognize that has negative impact on how men are treated in various systems of treatment.

I will never forget the person who came to a Griffin Recovery Enterprises training several years ago who had to come without their supervisor’s approval. They had to take vacation time to be at our training on men and trauma. Why? Because in their supervisor’s words: “Trauma is not a big issue for men.”

While my work has become increasingly more accepted and sought after, there is still an overwhelming amount of opportunity to educate and raise awareness about men and the impact of trauma. And, I am far from the only one out there saying we need to do more for men. There are wonderful clinicians and academicians all over the country challenging service providers and even systems.

However, even with all of those efforts the vast majority of people graduating with any degree related to treatment services—from bachelors to Ph.D—.are still not being given any formal training on working with men as a special population. Most people graduating with LCPs, MSWs, MFTs, and PsyDs were never challenged to look deeply at how male socialization significantly impacts a man’s ability to engage in therapy and in relationships in general.

It seems crazy given how large of a population of men go through treatment each year that we have never really taken a hard look at treatment services for men. Is this really what men need? Is this really what is best for men? Add to that other addictive disorders, mental health treatment, and various forms of therapy and men are a huge percentage of those taking advantage of services. Yet nobody seems to ask a very simple question: Have the services really been designed for men?

I will be delivering a keynote on March 21st at Torrance Memorial Hospital entitled: It’s Us, Not Them. The premise is simple yet profound: the problem engaging men in addiction and mental health treatment has much less to do with their ability or willingness to engage in services, and nearly everything to do with the services themselves.

We have spent years questioning, challenging, and even blaming men; but, we have not questioned, challenged, or even blamed the services themselves! The dominant belief still is that men don’t want help and are therapy-averse. I am far from convinced of that. I believe that if we don’t take a hard look at the services we provide and become aware of the biases driving them, we will never know what men respond to the best, or what kinds of transformations are really possible.

This past weekend I led my first A Man’s Way workshop for professionals at the Rio Retreat Center at The Meadows. It was an amazing experience. Nine people (6 men and 3 women), with anywhere from 3 to 30+ years of experience in therapeutic services, showed up without being really sure about what was going to happen. It was part experiential and part instructive.

What has become clear to me over the years is that our ideas about men deeply affect how well we are able to engage with men clinically and relationally. I have worked hard to develop models for helping people see the biases they had no idea they even had. I built the three-day, A Man’s Way workshop around those models. We look at The Man Rules and how those fairly obvious constructs run deep into the psyche of most boys and men and profoundly impact our experiences of trauma, sex and sexuality, relationships, and spirituality.

Inevitably we get to look at our own trauma and shame and how they have influenced how we work with and relate to men. It is powerful work. The greatest complement to our collective efforts is that we all talked about seeing clear opportunities to do more work and get additional therapy. Yes, me too!

If you are interested, I will be leading another A Man’s Way workshop for behavioral health professionals April 28-30. There are still some spots available. It is an honor to be able to work with The Meadows in developing this workshop who has created a really great deal—one third off the usual price— in an effort to show its support for this one-of-a-kind opportunity. You can’t find this program anywhere else in the country!

You can find out how to register HERE.

The post A Man’s Way Workshop appeared first on Dan Griffin.