Welp. Here we are. The final episode of The Man Rules podcast. Dan and Andrea (the show’s producer) take the opportunity to reminisce, reflect, and ruminate on what might be next…

Sometimes, abundance comes from letting go. You’ve gotta make room to receive whatever gifts may be coming your way. Thank you for making room for The Man Rules podcast. We hope your time with is was only the beginning of your journey toward freedom and personal fulfillment.

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There’s no tenure for manhood. The false promise of The Man Rules is that if you follow them closely enough, for long enough, you will soon rest easy in your identity as a man. But, the truth is, a man’s status as a man will have to constantly renewed-daily. Sometimes hourly! Think of all the opportunities he has throughout the day to mess up and have his man card revoked! (Men: For help with this exercise, see the list of The Man Rules, and ask yourself how many you’ve followed and how many you’ve broken today.) In this episode, based on the final chapter in Dan and Allen’s forthcoming book, we talk about one of the most frequent opportunities men have to feel emasculated–when someone asks them a question for which they do not have an answer.

Women: Dan and Allen help you understand why your man seems to cling so stubbornly to giving advice and solving all your problems for you when you really just want him to listen. Men: Dan and Allen will help you recognize whether you’re suffering from working so hard to avoid the discomfort of not knowing, the constant need to prove how much you know, and idea that you should not have to work to know the answers–you should be born knowing, if you are a real man. Dan and Allen don’t have all the answers, but they do have their own experiences in learning to let go of the need to know, and they share those with you in order to help you improve your relationships.

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All stories we relate to are based either on our wishes or on our fears. Sometimes–or maybe even often–both. That’s what makes this week’s episode with friend of the show Rick Belden such a powerful one. Rick leads Dan through a fascinating discussion about the ways in which we internalize our favorite childhood stories to develop personal mythologies and use them to guide the ways we show up in the world. Though it may seem a little silly to you at first, if you try the exercise Dan and Rick go through on the show, we think you’ll be surprised by how much personal insight you’ll gain by revisiting your childhood heroes.

If you feel like sharing, we’d love to hear who your mythological figure was as child, and what they meant to you. (Note: Real people can serve as mythological characters. Basketball legend Michael Jordan, for example, is a real person, but also a myth to the many kids who grew up admiring him.) Please let us know on Facebook or in the blog comments.

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]]> https://dangriffin.com/coping-with-changing-gender-expectations/ Wed, 09 Oct 2019 21:06:43 +0000 https://dangriffin.com/?p=8320 This week, friend of the show Dr. Michael Levittan is back to help us sort through the many changes in our expectations of men and women over the years, and how psychology and psychotherapy have played a role in helping...

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After more than two years of operation, we have made the difficult decision to end production of The Man Rules podcast. So, this week Dan’s solo episode–his last solo episode–is about what it means to embrace change.

One thing we know for sure is that change is constant. It’s not good or bad. The amount of control you have over what changes and what doesn’t is very limited. (Some folks even believe that in most cases, you have no control at all.) So, what do you do with that? Short answer: You roll with it.

The more you can embrace change, and look for what it might be trying to teach you, the more your life will flow freely. We are grateful to all of you who have surfed the waves of change with us over the years and will continue on your own journeys. We wish you all the best.

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Dr. Lou Cox has studied the ego for decades. He joins Dan to talk about his work and his new book, Ego: The Ghost in Your Machinery. Specifically, he and Dan talk about the male ego and how men thrive and suffer as a result of their dances with the ego. Cox talks about two essential needs every human being has: the need to be accepted and the need to be true to who we are, our own unique self-expression. These two needs can be in conflict with each other which creates confusion and feelings of disconnection. These needs are pure when we are children but they gradually, and seemingly inevitably, get corrupted by our conditioning from our parents and society. The ego is this complex combination of all the ways that someone tries to meet those needs and be safe.

Ultimately, Cox says, while we cannot overcome the ego we can step aside from it and move toward our native, and more authentic and vulnerable, self. At the end of the day it comes down to a person being willing to realize that they have unconscious parts of themselves that can run the show without them realizing it. The more awareness the more you can see those parts and make different decisions about who and how you want to be.

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This week, Dan’s back with an update on our makeshift pledge drive. We hear from Noah, a longtime listener who has pledged his support, and Dan makes a case for you all to be like Noah. (If you can.)

Would you be willing to offer a small monthly donation to keep the podcast running? (Say, around $5 or $10 a month?) If so, send an email to [email protected] and let us know you’re interested. If enough folks say “yes” we’ll go through the process of setting up an official donation channel…

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Chances are, you’ve had several relationships throughout your life. Some are ongoing (friends, family, etc.) Some ended. (boyfriends/girlfriends, spouses, lovers.) Some maybe even ended badly. If you reflect on the relationships that ended badly, and on the times in your ongoing relationships where things weren’t going so well, do you notice any patterns in your behavior and reactions? If so, you are likely starting to uncover your attachment style.

In this episode, Dr. Ron Frederick, psychologist and author of  Loving Like You Mean It breaks down the four basic attachment styles, explains where they come from (childhood, of course), and how to use emotional mindfulness to build stronger, healthier and happier relationships. He also offers up a simple, four-step approach to help you break free from old habits, befriend your emotional experience, and develop new ways of relating.

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I love doing The Man Rules podcast! I have learned and grown so much as a result. We’ve been producing episodes of The Man Rules podcast every week for almost 2.5 years now. It’s been an honor to provide this for free to our listeners as a resource for those in recovery, and those who just want to live more conscious lives.

We’ve reached a crossroads with the show. If we can’t find a source of funding to cover the show’s monthly expenses, we will discontinue production. After 2+ years of covering the expenses without any support it is no longer tenable.

Would you be willing to offer a small monthly donation to keep the podcast running? (Say, around $5 or $10 a month?) If so, send an email to [email protected] and let us know you’re interested. If enough folks say “yes” we’ll go through the process of setting up an official donation channel…

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Is love a feeling or an action? Is it a choice we make, or is the result of a magical bond with another person that is impossible to explain? Do you decide to be a loving person, or are you just born that way?

If you’ve listened to this podcast before, you’ve probably guessed that the answer is “both/and.” Psychiatrist Michael McGee joins Dan this week to talk about love as both a practice and a guiding principle. And, this is not mere navel-gazing, people. Dr. McGee breaks it down into a series of practical steps to being more connected, more purpose-driven, and more fulfilled by building a more loving presence.

The post What is Love? appeared first on Dan Griffin.

“If it’s true that men want sex 24/7, what does it mean if he won’t have sex with me?”

“Why won’t he engage in foreplay before sex or cuddling after? There’s no affection or intimacy.”

“Why is sex only about what he wants? Doesn’t what I want matter?”

If you’re a woman who has asked yourself these questions about your man, you are certainly not alone. Why are these issues so common in relationships? And what can be done about it?

This week, Allen Berger is back to help Dan shed some light on the thing that often prevents men from experiencing real intimacy through sex–fear. Specifically, the fear of violating the man rule pertaining to sex, which frankly might also be called “the porn rule” because so much porn reinforces a very narrow perspective on what men should want, how they should behave, and how they should approach sex in general–but, we digress.

Listen for a very candid discussion of the fears and false beliefs that likely limit your man’s expression of his sexuality and find out how to work alongside him in overcoming them.

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In this episode, Dan gives a short talk on what it might mean for men if we all started having more earnest conversations about sex, reflecting on what we want from it, what we need from it, and what it means to us personally. How can we move beyond some of the unhealthy and unrealistic expectations The Water sets up for us, and define our own sexuality

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Men’s experiences as fathers are more varied than popular culture would have you believe. Although the doors are beginning to open a little wider for men who want to take on duties that were traditionally only part of Mom’s domain, there is still a lot of stigma to battle.

Today, in honor of Father’s Month, Nate Brewer talks to Dan about his experiences as a stay-at-home Dad. He explains both how he made the decision to stay home with his kids, and how people tend to react to the revelation that parenting is his full-time job.

If you are also a stay-at-home Dad, Nate’s story will help you feel less alone. If you have some assumptions about what being a stay-at-home Dad means–playing video games in your pajamas all day, perhaps?– his story will likely entirely change your perception.

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When we become fathers, so many of our choices are reactions to how our fathers raised us. We often either fall in line with his expectations, or rebel against them. Either way, we aren’t really making our own choices, based on who we most want to be.

In this episode, Dan and Allen offer up some exercises you can do to begin to separate your own needs and desires from your father’s. It’s the first step toward developing more conscious fatherhood, and more conscious masculinity

Workshop: What Men Would Tell You If They Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV 

Women who want to a deeper dive into “What Men Would Tell You…” can spend time with Dan and Allen at the Bridge to Recovery (Bowling Green, Kentucky) in September during a 4-day workshop. Space is limited, so register today!

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In honor of both Father’s Month and Pride Month, we’re replaying this episode from 2018, featuring the late Tim Clausen.

Tim interviewed more than 80 men for his book Not the Son He Expected: Gay Men Talk Candidly About Their Relationship with Their Father. The book, and Tim’s interview here on the podcast, are helpful and encouraging resources for gay sons, their fathers, and for all those who love and care about them.

Tim’s own personal stories about his relationship with his father, and his relationship with his own son, serve as great examples of how to live with emotional courage while navigating the powerful, and sometimes troubling, relationships between fathers and sons.

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It’s not easy being a dad–at least not all the time. There were no manuals. No instruction. No classes. Not really. And so, as Dan says all the time, we do it imperfectly. We try to parent consciously, but we fail. A lot. What if, as a lot of the modern-day gurus attest, that feeling wasn’t a bad thing? What if it was part and parcel of success?  What if we could celebrate our failures? This week, Dan talks about what it’s like to fail sometimes at being a father and the challenges of accepting that failure and forgiving himself. And, the challenge of being truly willing to truly be okay with doing things imperfectly.

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When you have sex (or masturbate) do you have a goal in mind? Do you approach each sexual encounter with an unconscious strategy toward the endgame? (C’MON OF COURSE YOU DO.) Cam Fraser, a certified sexologist, Yoga teacher, and pioneer of conscious sexuality, is here to explain that by taking a goal-oriented approach to sex, you might be selling yourself, and/or your partner short.

Cam posits that all of our experiences are based in three relationships: our relationship with ourselves, our relationship with our deeper consciousness, and our relationship to our environment and other people. In this episode, he offers tips for deepening our relationship in all three areas, through the practice of giving and receiving pleasure, while expanding the focus of sex beyond orgasm and ejaculation.

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Being “cool” is ultimately about fitting in. And, unfortunately, one of the requirements of fitting in for most men–whether their definition of “cool” leans more toward the Jock table or the Dungeons ‘n Dragons table–is pretending that you have no need for emotional connection. In fact, you have no need for emotions at all.

Do we even need to point out that this can seriously complicate relationships?

In this episode, Dan and Allen Berger explain what women need to know about the ways in which “The Cool Rule” affects their man and their relationship with him. As a caring partner, how can women help the men in their lives finally chip away the ice, and live as the man he is, rather than as the man he thinks everyone wants him to be?

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It was a true honor to have Claudia Black, a pioneer in the study of the impact alcoholism has on families, join us on The Man Rules podcast. Claudia has dedicated her life to looking at the impact of trauma on family systems and the generational impact of alcoholism and other addictions.

In this week’s episode, Dan and Claudia talk about what makes shame and trauma are so powerful and how to better recognize their impact. Claudia breaks down exactly what trauma is and provides some practical resources to help listeners deal with the effects of “little t” trauma. To learn more, check out her latest book, “Unspoken Legacy.”

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Listeners of The Man Rules podcast tend to be types who, in one way or another, want to live better. They want to free themselves from the limitations placed on them by society’s rules for how men should behave. They want to move beyond the fears and emotional barriers that keep them disconnected from others. They want to move beyond addiction, shame, trauma, and self-doubt and live life as consciously and completely as they can.

All of this takes work. A lot of work. Constant, daily, continuous work. And work–well–sometimes it sucks. Although the work we’re talking about on our show comes with many invaluable rewards, you can still get burnt out by sometimes. That’s why, as Dan explains in this solo episode, it’s important to give yourself a break, in order to prevent yourself from giving up.

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Everyone told you being a Dad would be hard, right? Many probably even said, “Nothing can prepare you…” And, man, they were so right. There’s nothing we can tell you to make the transition to being a new Dad a smooth and easy one, but we can help you figure out how to be more involved, more present, and more engaged as a parent and a partner. That’s what we’re aiming to do in this series of Daddy Downloads based on Dan’s forthcoming book about fatherhood.

In this episode, Dan explains why it’s important for each Dad to know his story. Your story includes elements of who you’ve been, who you are now, and who you want to be as a father. How did your father shape your ideas about what it means to be a Dad? Which of his examples do you want to take with you as you build your own story, and which would you rather leave behind? Giving some thought to these questions will allow you to consciously choose how you show up day-to-day in your child’s life, rather than simply acting out a script written for you by our culture and your past.  

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What is sex for?

Have you ever asked yourself that question? You may think, “procreation, of course” but that doesn’t explain why people who don’t want kids have sex. If you say, “fun and pleasure,” that doesn’t explain why, for the most part, we still seek out sex with other humans–even in an era where we can access porn within seconds, have sex toys discretely delivered to our doorsteps in two days or less, and maybe even order ourselves a sex robot, if all we really need are no-fuss orgasms.

The only explanation left, is that sex allows us to feel a certain type of connection and intimacy with another human being, that is difficult to achieve in any other way. In this episode, Alexandra Katehakis of The Center for Healthy Sex is back to talk to Dan about sex and intimacy, and how men can begin to identify what they really want and need from a sexual partner, which is often hidden–even from themselves–by The Man Rules, which tell them what they should want.

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As a kid, you probably wanted to be cool. And if you were a boy, being cool meant being tough. Being tough meant being able to fight and win. If you weren’t tough, you immediately felt inadequate. You weren’t going to be able to protect yourself, you weren’t going to be able to protect anyone else, and women were not going to be attracted to you.

But, as with every Man Rule, there’s a positive side. The Fight Rule and The Protector Rule are closely related. Often the fight can inspire men to protect and defend the people, institutions, and values that we hold dear.

In this episode, Allen and Dan talk about their conflicting feelings of fear, shame, and pride in their own personal histories with fighting.

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Money. Everybody wants it; nobody wants to talk about it.

Except Dan, of course, and his friend and financial advisor Marty McAlpin. In this episode, they give an overview of various money disorders and help us increase our financial vocabulary.

In addition to helping us understand the difference between a will and living trust, Marty brings to light the shame many of us have around money, the behaviors that result from that shame, and the impact those behaviors can have on our lives and relationships. If you’ve been wanting to tackle your finances but weren’t sure where to start, listen up and follow Marty’s road map.

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If you’re a man, chances are, at some point when you were a boy, a man in your family made a conscious effort to teach you how to properly throw a punch. That was a skill you would need as you grew into manhood and it was just an unquestionable fact. Boys fight. Men fight. The manliest men fight well enough to win.

Dan talks today about The Man Rule that tells men they must fight–for survival, for respect, and sometimes just for the hell of it–and how that affects their self-perception and their relationships. What does it mean for men to be raised in a way that both implicitly and explicitly tells them that violence and asserting dominance is the “right” way for a man to solve a conflict?

And, in what ways can the desire to fight actually be a positive thing?

Listen to Dan’s thoughts, and then let us know what you think in the comments below. (Or, on Facebook.)

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The rules have changed for being a Dad. There’s a lot of pressure these days for men to be more emotionally involved in parenting than their Dads were. But without role models, guidance and support for making these radical changes, what’s a Dad to do?

That’s why Dan is writing a book with a working title of Awesome Dads. He’s interviewed more than 30 Dads in all stages of parenthood and collected their best tips and advice. In this new podcast series, Dan will focus on one of the new rules for Dads each month, giving you a little bit of the guidance and encouragement you need to be as awesome a Dad as you can be.

In this, the first episode of the series, Dan explains the intent of his new book and reads an excerpt.

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One of  the most frequently mentioned Man Rules is “don’t be weak.” As a result, many men end up feeling ashamed when they become ill or injured. “Don’t be weak” may also be at the heart of a man’s resistance to acknowledging his, and everyone’s, ultimate weakness–that they are mortal.

Rick Belden is back on this week’s show to talk with Dan about facing unexpected major illnesses, and reckoning with the inevitable–and often unpredictable–end of life.

We know—This episode sounds like a total drag. Why would anyone want to spend 45 minutes of their already too-short lives listening to two guys talk about death? Well…

Because it’s something we all have to make peace with at one time or another, and it’s hard to make peace with anything you aren’t comfortable talking about. We hope this conversation might open doors to your own conversations with your friends and loved ones about the ultimate end, and how you can all support one another in the precious meantime.  

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Once a month, Dan and Dr. Allen Berger sit down to talk about a chapter from their forthcoming book, What Men Would Tell You…If We Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV. The title of the book is meant to be humorous, but it speaks to the real frustration that many women experience in their (heterosexual) relationships. The book breaks down each of The Man Rules in an effort to help women understand the roots of men’s sometimes baffling responses to intimacy, commitment, and vulnerability.

This week, Dan and Allen explore The Protector Rule, and how it can bring out both the best and the worst in a man. The protector rule is often what drives a man to protect the family and the community he cares deeply about it. But, it also drives some men to justify cruel behavior toward their partners with the assumption that “it’s for her own good.”  Dan and Allen help both men and women recognize how The Protector Rule is at play in their relationship in both negative and positive ways.

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Once  Tidying up with Marie Kondo hit Netflix this past January, it seemed like everyone was suddenly talking about the real impact of household upkeep on our minds, bodies, and spirits. Of course, conversations about the division of household labor are not new to anyone who is married, lives with a partner, or lives with roommates. It’s often a topic that is loaded with anger and resentment, and that becomes a stand-in argument for any number of relationship troubles deemed too messy to even begin sorting out.

In this episode, Dan and Andrea discuss the show and its impact on their own personal messes and relationships. Has folding socks and towels more consciously helped them to live more consciously? Listen to find out.

Also, please email [email protected] or find Dan on Facebook to tell us what you think about the KonMari Method, explain how you split household duties with your co-dwellers, or tell us your favorite stain removal tips. Whatever! We’d just love to hear from you.

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Dan traveled to Rio de Janeiro and really stepped in it.

Well, except he didn’t really step in it. He just thought he did.

You’re really going to have to listen to him explain this one.

Then, go to Dan’s Facebook page, and tell us your story:

Have you ever felt you had to do something you weren’t proud of just to get by?

OR, have you ever shown empathy and kindness to someone who took advantage of you?

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All too often men are tossed into The Water and told to sink or swim. For any struggle we face, we’re often given some version of the same, age-old advice: “Man Up.” (What the hell does that even mean? Especially at a time when we aren’t entirely sure what kind of men we are supposed to be.)

But, it doesn’t have to be this way.

Men need a space where they can have real conversations about the unique challenges they face in today’s society – what frustrates us, what scares us, what confuses us, what gives us strength, what brings us joy, and what gives us hope for the future. We can learn so much about how to live the lives we truly want by hearing about one another’s successes and failures, and by getting real, actionable advice on life and relationships from men and women who aren’t afraid to get real.   

In this, the first episode of The Man Rules podcast, Dan provides a description of the water and lays a foundation for the journey toward conscious masculinity.

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Men are four times more likely to die by suicide than women, and their depression is more likely to manifest as anger and violence. As this week’s guest, Terry Real, puts it men either feel that they are failing the agenda or that the agenda is failing them.  The Man Rules may be limiting in many, many ways, but for a while, they at least provided solid ground for men to stand on. Lately, that ground has begun to crumble beneath their feet.

Men today are awash in intense conflicting messages about what it means to be a man. And, they are finding that the things that they once took for granted as the rewards for following The Man Rules–the right job, financial security, sex, marriage, family–are not as easily guaranteed as they’d been taught.

This episode will help you understand how depression shows up differently in men and will give you some practical advice on how to recognize and address the symptoms in yourself and others. While it’s true that these changes will likely lead to more opportunities for both men and women in the future, it’s important to make sure that we don’t lose too many men in the shuffle.

The post Why Aren’t I Happy? Men and Depression appeared first on Dan Griffin.

This is a replay of one of our favorite episodes. If you feel frustrated by discussions about consent and sexual morality, this is definitely one you won’t want to miss…

Why are so many of us confused about consent? The idea has come up a lot lately in the wake of the #metoo movement. And, discussions about it recently intensified with reactions to the story a woman named “Grace” told to Babe.net about a sexual encounter she had with comedian Aziz Ansari. On news sites and Facebook feeds nationwide, people are asking, “Was that encounter assault, misconduct, or just a bad date? Is Aziz Ansari a good guy or bad guy? Is “Grace” a  victim or a liar?

According to Mike Domritz, who has been teaching audiences far and wide about consent for years, these are the wrong questions to ask. He and Dan talk about what consent really means and what it doesn’t, and about what’s at stake when we’re too afraid to ask the right questions. Isn’t “consent” really the least we can do?  What if we built a culture of mutuality instead? What if every person truly had the freedom to choose whether they wanted to have sex, without guilt, pressure, coercion, or the spectre of gendered cultural expectations?

The post Beyond Consent: Building a Culture of Mutuality appeared first on Dan Griffin.

This episode is a replay of one we first posted in back in 2017. Gillette’s recent “Toxic Masculinity” ad recently brought ideas about the ways in which men are portrayed in popular media to the mainstream. Dr. Andrew Smiler has studied men and media for many years, and share some great insights. It’s definitely worth revisiting! 

If you were a social anthropologist and you wanted to understand the norms and values of some ancient society, you’d likely take a look at their cultural artifacts. You’d closely examine their writings, paintings, sculptures, etc., to look for clues regarding how people within a certain culture were expected to behave and interact with the people around them.

1000 years from now, when anthropologists somehow get their hands on our TV shows, they’re going to learn a thing or two about how men were supposed to behave in our society if they wanted to be respected or admired: Save the day, always have a witty comeback handy, be aloof – or a doof – in your relationships, and get the girl. Any girl. Actually, all the girls. And only girls, of course. As many as possible (and pretty much all of them are possible because you are the guy no girl can— or should— resist.)

Hopefully, the writings of researcher and therapist Dr. Andrew Smiler will survive until that day, so that future scholarly types can get a fuller picture of our off-screen reality, which is that most men are not promiscuous, most men do value intimacy and relationships, and most men, in fact, are not “most men.” He and Dan share some concrete strategies on how to show up as the man you want to be, not necessarily the man advertised on TV.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

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As we near the end of January, we often also near the end or our resolve to finally get our shit together this year. We made our resolutions because we know that the feeling of being perpetually disorganized and out of control brings us down. It leaves us feeling lost, unsatisfied, and useless. So, why isn’t that enough to keep us motivated to make changes?

According to this week’s guest Darcy Luoma–who is an executive coach and organizational development consultant–it may be because you’re focusing on the wrong things for the wrong reasons. Are you trying to get your life together because you want it to align more with your values, or with someone else’s values? Do you even know for certain what your values are?  

Listen this week for some tips on building the life you want based on Darcy’s Thoughtfully Fit program. And, get even more great tips by texting tfcalendar to 33444

Let us know what you think about this episode–or anything related to the podcast, by sending an email to [email protected], You could also find us on Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn.

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“99” by Steve Bowbrick is licensed under CC by 2.0

Is “keeping it 100” a thing people still say these days? Many eons ago, back in 2015, it meant “to be you, be honest, be true to yourself and the people you love, be unapologetic but respectful at the same time.” In other words, it has pretty much been the goal of The Man Rules podcast from the beginning. We wanted to create a space, figuratively speaking, where men could show up and have open and honest conversations about who they were and who they were becoming as they began to become more aware of The Man Rules and break free from them.

So, here on the eve of the 100th episode, Dan and Andrea talk about what they’ve learned from the first two years of making The Man Rules podcast, and what they hope the show may become.

Please email us at [email protected], and let us know where you think the show should go in 2019 and beyond. We’d love to hear your ideas on guests, topics, and/or just your general opinions about the ideas expressed in each episode. You can also find us on Twitter and Facebook, of course.

The post Keeping it 100 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

For many of us, vowing to change our habits at the beginning of a New Year has become, well… a habit. Unfortunately, all of the hope and good intentions we have on December 31st, rarely sustains us past the second week of February.

So, how can we make changes that last? In this episode, Dan shares some tips based on his own experiences in building healthy habits like exercising and writing into his life. Though he’ll admit that his routines are far from perfect, he has had some success in implementing positive changes through planning and working with accountability partners.

We hope you’ll make sharing your thoughts with us a habit in 2019. Go to Dan’s Facebook page (@dangriffinMA) to share your experiences in developing healthy habits, or email us at [email protected]

The post Making Habits Last appeared first on Dan Griffin.

We all have a story about what it means to be a man. What we aim to do on The Man Rules podcast is to help each other figure out how we can be the authors of our stories. We don’t want to just mindlessly step into a role that was written for us, centuries ago, based on the needs and values of a world that no longer exists.

Is there any man on Earth, who embodies this struggle more than Santa?

In this episode, Kris Kringle (a.k.a. Santa Claus) sits down with Dan to talk about the darker side of being Santa. Though he considers it an honor to be the world’s ultimate provider, the pressure to always show up as the man we expect to see definitely takes its toll. He talks about his 631-year marriage to Janet, how he let go of perfectionism and shame, his ongoing struggles with body image, and his reckoning with his own mortality.

He also shares some exclusive, never-before-heard secrets of how the Christmas magic really happens.

You REALLY won’t want to skip this one.

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Okay, you’ve requested your time off from the boss, booked the plane tickets, sent the cards, bought the presents, and baked the cookies –or completed any number of your traditional holiday tasks. So, you may think that you’re ready for the holidays.

But, we say, you’re not really ready until you’ve heard Allen Berger’s 12 Stupid Things You Can Do to Mess Up the Holidays. Nothing like the holidays to push and pull us in all sorts of emotional directions, often like we’re just along for the ride.

But not this time! This time we’re goin’ in ready and armed. With awareness. This exhaustive list from our good friend Dr. Allen Berger tells you everything you DON’T want to do this holiday season. Listen on for some great tips and reminders on how to get through the holidays without making a mess! It really is possible. SPOILER ALERT: Print these out or put them in your phone. You’ll want to have them easily accessible.

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In this episode, Dan is finally going to tell you the secret to always getting what you want, when you want it. And the secret is…

Let go of the idea that you should always get what you want when you want it.

Instead, spend some time thinking about your expectations. Start, perhaps, with expectations you have of your partner. Are they fair? Are they unfair?

More importantly, have you communicated your expectations? Have your expectations been negotiated and agreed upon by your partner?

When we fail to consider our expectations and to talk about them with others, we are setting ourselves up for resentment. Listen on for tips from Dan on how to get clear about what you expect from others and how to manage disappointment when you don’t get it. You’ll be amazed by how much a shift in your expectations, and a shift in how you approach them with your partner, can improve your relationship.

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The holidays truly are magical. They have the power to magically transform fully functioning adults back into their adolescent selves, the moment they step into a room with their parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and/or cousins. No matter how much you’ve grown, how much you’ve accomplished in life, or what your personal and professional status may be outside of those walls, when you’re “home,” you may find yourself right back to square one.

And, the worst part? You know it’s going to happen. You know exactly who in that house will make that snide, passive-aggressive comment, and you know exactly how you’ll feel when they make it, and you know exactly how you’ll react. So, you swear that this year— it’s going to be different. You’re not going to get upset. You’re not going to let so-and-so get to you. You’re not going to sit and seethe over your pie, or seek revenge with your own passive-aggressive comments, or vow to never talk to these people again once this misery has finally ended. And yet…

According to our guest this week, you really can break these patterns. You just need a better plan. Tim Walsh, founder of Adventure Recovery and expert in helping families navigate and renegotiate their roles and expectations, gives tips on how to make the real holiday magic happen.

The post How to Have a Happy Holiday—Yes, Really. appeared first on Dan Griffin.

The second is in terms of emotional courage. The rise in popularity of thinkers like Brene Brown has taught us that vulnerability is a willingness to show up, be seen as we really are, and form connections with others without hidden agendas. (That’s good.) “Connecting” with person X, in order to achieve Y, as so many of us in sales and/or politics often do, is not the point. The point is just to connect— for the sake of your mental and spiritual health, and, more importantly, theirs.

In this episode, Dan and Allen point out some of the key differences between healthy vulnerability and unhealthy vulnerability.  And, for partners who struggle to understand why their men won’t just talk about it, for godsakes, they also point out some ways in which The Man Rules make practicing healthy vulnerability difficult for men, and offer some ideas for how you can help change the culture of vulnerability in your household, and beyond…

Allen also shares his recent first-hand experience with both physical and emotional vulnerability as an evacuee of the California wildfires. Allen, his family, and his home are all okay, but there are many who still struggling through the aftermath. Here are some ways you can help them.

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If you think about it, nearly every story we pay attention to is one about transformation. The main character in your favorite movie likely starts out in one state, something happens, and they end up in a different state by the time the credits roll. The transformation can be mental, physical, spiritual, or a combination of all three… And the something that happens can be a giant, cataclysmic event, or a very small, almost imperceptible awakening to a new way of seeing the world. Really, that’s what each of our Deep Dive episodes is about–the story of how one man started out as X and ended up as Y.

So, in this episode, in which we turn the tables and have someone interview DAN this time, it made sense for the story to be about transformation itself. Dan’s life has been a series of transformations. And, they’ve been the kind of transformations that require a person to really see the good, bad, and ugly about themselves and the world around them, and gently accept it all for what it is, while still fighting for change–the kind of change that, on both an individual and societal level, can bring about a greater sense of peace and freedom. Dan talks about the hows and whys behind some of his transformations and offers tips for those who are going through their own journeys of personal change.

Oh. And there are also jokes.

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To parent is to spend most days in a state of barely-concealed, barely-contained insecurity, if not outright terror!

Our little loves trigger not only our fears for them–will they be happy, successful, productive members of society?–but also our deepest fears about ourselves–Am I a crappy person who is unwittingly raising a crappy person because I don’t recognize my own crappiness? Am I THAT parent with THAT kid? We are with them in the present yet they are constantly bringing up our past if we are paying attention.

So, we try to get a handle on that attitude of theirs. We try to nip that bad behavior in the bud. We try to show them who’s boss. We do it for their own good. Life ain’t fair, kid, and the world won’t treat you with kid gloves so you might as well start getting used to it now. Et cetera. We forget what it means to be a kid. They won’t live in our adult world but they’re not supposed to; we are supposed to live in theirs with as much compassion as discipline.  

[DEEP BREATH]

So, what if we let go of the idea that we have to be in control? What if instead, we aim to teach our kids how to make their own wise, healthy, and productive decisions, by actually letting them practice making their own decisions? Would we be raising entitled brats who expect everything to be handed to them? Or would be raising conscientious humans, who fully understand the power of choice? Maybe if we request, rather than demand, and allow them to negotiate, our kids will develop the ability to be true to themselves, while understanding and appreciating others’ points of view? What if we took a deep breath every time we were agitated or confused as to what to do? Just that alone could be transformative.

We often say we’d do anything for our kids. But, can we take this kind of risk? Can we be a different kind of Dad? More importantly, are we willing?  

Listen today for three tips on how to gain control over your need to control.

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In our monthly Deep Dive episode, Dan talks in depth with one man about how The Man Rules have impacted his life, and how he has worked toward a more conscious masculinity. This week Michael Dinneen manages to say a lot of really profound and beautiful things about finding God, without sounding the least bit like a sanctimonious arsehole. (That’s a rare gift.)

The conversation runs the gamut from friendship, parenting, recovery from addiction(s), and what it means to be a man. But, the highlight of each topic is the paradox that’s inherent in any man’s attempt at self-actualization— You can’t become self-reliant on your own. In fact, the more you rise out of the mucky swamp of your ego, the more you need to rely on others and on a power greater than yourself.

After listening to this episode, you’re probably going to want more wisdom from Michael. And you can find it in his book, The Gift of Fulfillment.

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This post is being brought to you from the great city of Indianapolis, where Producer Andrea lives. For those who are unfamiliar, the Indy 500 is a race where odd looking vehicles with really big tires whip around a circular track at alarming speeds— often more than 200 mph. The aim is to be the first driver to complete 500 laps around the circle. There’s money, prestige, and fame at stake so, of course, all of the drivers are desperate to win. It’s pretty exciting stuff.

But for many people, (Producer Andrea included), the most interesting thing about the race isn’t the race itself. It’s the pit stops.   

Isn’t it amazing that in a race where the goal is to drive, drive, drive as fast as you can, and be the first and the best, THE CARS HAVE TO STOP SOMETIMES? Can you imagine being an Indy Car driver, full of adrenaline and dopamine, with the words “Go, Go, Go!” crying out from the depths of your soul, having to make a conscious decision, often 2 or 3 times during the race, to stop? Can you imagine trying to convince yourself that stopping, even for only 8 seconds, would not put you at a serious disadvantage in a race where milliseconds matter? Can you imagine the temptation they must feel to just ignore the advice of their race team and just keep going?  

(Do you see where we’re going with this analogy-wise?)

How do you feel when you read the following words? SELF CARE. Does it sound like something a woman made up–possibly Oprah? Does it sound like something only women are allowed to do? Does it sound like something that might be nice for other people, but just isn’t a luxury you can afford right now as you’re trying to get that promotion, or get that person to marry you, or get your kids into that great school, etc, etc, etc?

Imagine you’re an Indy Car driver. Imagine hearing your crew manager say through your radio, “Hey, man. You need to stop for new tires and some fuel and an adjustment of your flex capacitor.” (or whatever.) Imagine saying to him, “Yeah, that would be nice, I guess, but I just can’t stop right now… I’m in third place! Only a few laps to go! I can totally push through.”

Imagine what happens next. (Hint: A tire falls off as you’re speeding along, you spin out of control, hit a few other cars that trying to speed past you, cause them to spin out of control and hit other cars, crash, bang, fires, disaster.)

Self care isn’t bubble baths, pints of ice cream and Netflix binges; it’s a stop for needed maintenance. It’s a prevention of wear and tear on your vehicle. It keeps you in the race.

In this episode, Tim Harrington stops by to talk to Dan, not about the Indy 500, but about scheduled maintenance for your soul. (a.k.a. Self Care.) He offers up a number of great suggestions for how to do self care in a way that leads to lasting growth and change. Check it out, and stay tuned for future updates from Tim as he takes his family on the road…

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What do people mean when they say that “it’s a man’s world?”

They mean, in most cases, that men possess most of the power and control in our society. But, what does that mean? Most men balk at the idea that they are “in control.” That’s because, like most things related to gender expectations, the definition of “control” can be a little murky. Men get the message in a million subtle ways from birth that a “real man” steps up and takes control in any critical situation. He’s expected to be the leader in the boardroom, the living room, and the bedroom. He’s expected to be in control of his emotions at all times, to be the one to discipline himself and his children. He has all the answers. He solves all the important problems. He earns the income, and controls how it is spent. He decides and directs. He takes action. He moves others to action. And he… must be so freaking exhausted. THESE are The Man Rules and the expectations they place upon men.

Of course there is nothing wrong with men taking on leadership roles if they feel qualified and called to it. It all comes down to whether they have a tendency toward “toxic control” or “nurturing control.”  The rule that says men must lead, must control all outcomes, and must control those around them in order to achieve desired outcomes, is a form of toxic control and leads to a lot of misery for men, and the people around them. In contrast, “nurturing control,” which we agree sounds like a total oxymoron, is a tendency to take control of a situation when and if it is needed and warranted, and when those affected feel comfortable with ceding control to you.

In this episode, Dr. Allen Berger returns for another installment of the What Men Would Tell You… series. He and Dan offer some insight for women into where a man’s tendency toward toxic control often comes from, and how they may be able to support him in adjusting that behavior. AND, as an added bonus, women listening may be able to begin to recognize some of their own tendencies toward toxic control, with the end goal of forming a more equitable, mutually supportive, and satisfying relationship.

Practical & Tactical Tips

1. Reflect on one relationship that is important to you. How does toxic control show up in that relationship? How does nurturing power show up in the relationship? Note: Don’t ask yourself if you exhibit toxic control,  ask how. If you ask how, we can assure you will find some presence of those behaviors in the relationship.
2. Experiment. If you find that you often feel the need to be right, try giving that up. Look at disagreements from the other person’s point of view and not yours. For example, if they say, “You never understand me,” instead of immediately pointing out all of the ways that they’re wrong, consider the possibility that you don’t really understand them. Investigate it instead of dismissing it as untrue or feeling like you need to correct them.

The post What Men Would Tell You… About Control appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Everyone told you being a Dad would be hard, right? Many probably even said, “Nothing can prepare you…” And, man, they were so right. There’s nothing we can tell you to make the transition to being a new Dad a smooth and easy one, but we can help you figure out how to be more involved, more present, and more engaged as a parent and a partner. That’s what we’re aiming to do in this series of Daddy Downloads from The Man Rules podcast.

In this episode, Dan shares some thoughts on how Dads can help keep the home fires burnin’ in the bedroom and beyond.

Practical & Tactical Tips

1. Don’t lose sight of each other or your relationship. Babies are very demanding. It can be all too easy for the focus to shift entirely to the child. That’s not healthy for your relationship, and what’s not healthy for your relationship, ultimately isn’t healthy for your child anyway.
2. Date nights are not dead. Especially after the baby is born, but also during pregnancy. It’s worth the effort.
3. Find ways to connect other than sexual intercourse. Get creative!  
4. Masturbate. And talk about it with your partner.  (No, really.)

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. Dan’s work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. Dan’s book, A Man’s Way through Relationships, is the first book written specifically to help men create healthy relationships while navigating the challenges of the “Man Rules,” those ideas men internalize at very young ages about how to be real boys and men.

Dan’s professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. He is also the author of A Man’s Way through the Twelve Steps, the first trauma-informed book to take a holistic look at men’s sobriety. He co-authored Helping Men Recover, the first comprehensive gender-responsive and trauma-informed curriculum for addiction and mental health professionals. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous.

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In this episode of The Man Rules podcast, Dan and Andrea struggle along with the rest of American through a conversation about Brett Kavanaugh, gender-based privilege, and the politicization of victimhood. All of those are fancy words for some real “complicated shit.”

By the end of the episode, the honorable podcast hosts both rule in favor of self-reflection as critical to growth and the development of real, meaningful and lasting success. Without it, one could remain frozen in adolescence, using the same old markers of success from his high school and college days–love of beer, sly references to esoteric sexual innuendos, athletic and academic achievements, and did he mention his love of beer?– as markers of success when he’s in his fifties. That would indicate that he might be a man who, when he became a man, failed to put away childish things. (Just sayin’.) Sadly, protracted adolescence is nothing new for a lot of men. The Man Rules and how we raise boys to be men sets a lot of men up for that but how do we support them in taking responsibility for it?

Lack of self-reflection can leave one blind to their own privilege, blind to the power that often comes with that privilege, and unaware that they can do real damage with the choices they make. One man’s “silly” behavior, is another man’s – or woman’s –  abusive and demeaning behavior.

At the end of the day, it can be really hard to see The Water sometimes. Especially when there’s a benefit to not seeing how other people may be drowning in the same water in which we are swimming so freely. How do you know the difference? Well it certainly has to happen in conversation with other. And we have to listen to others. And believe their truth. That cannot happen without humility. And one cannot have humility when they simply stand in judgement of others.

About Our Guest

Andrea Sauceda is a writer, marketing professional, amateur sociologist, and professional dork. Outside of her 9 to 5 day job, she helps Dan manage The Man Rules podcast, reads a lot, knits dishcloths, and worries too much.

Mentioned In This Episode

How Christine Blasey Ford’s Testimony Changed America (Time magazine)

Defending Brett Kavanaugh Isn’t an Attack on Women (Real Clear Politics)

The Myth of the Male Bumbler ( The Week)

Kavanaugh Said He Had ‘No Connections to Yale.” He Was, In Fact, A Legacy Student. (Newsweek)

Terry Crews Shares Apology Letter From Executive Who Resigned in His #MeToo Case (New York Times) 

Ex-Ohio State wrestlers sue school claiming it ignored sexual abuse (Reuters) 

Thirteen states now investigating alleged sexual abuse linked to Catholic church (NBC News)

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“It is not death that a man should fear; but he should fear never beginning to live.” – Marcus Aurelius

On September 3rd, a good friend of mine died. Tragically. Even absurdly. While playing with his granddaughter and son in the ocean, his favorite place to be, he apparently hit his head on a rock while diving under a wave, was knocked unconscious, and then drowned. Crazy. And yet, that is the precious and ultimately unpredictable reality of life. We never actually know when it will end for us.

Tony was 62 and was just about to celebrate his 31st sobriety anniversary. In fact, his celebration of life ceremony was held on that exact day! It was most definitely a life well-lived. Tony exuded what I am constantly talking about: a conscious man. A father of 3 young men, grandfather, and loving husband of over 30 years, Tony was committed to being the best man he could be in every situation he was in. He exuded vulnerability and honesty. Whether it was in his personal or his professional life, his goal was to leave you and your life better than when he first met you or even saw you that day.

Tony was far from perfect but if you could see the smile that emanated from his face or feel the strength of his hug as his arms wrapped around you, you would know that he was a conscious man.

The truth is there is nothing fair about his death. But Tony believed in miracles and he knew that he was one. He found God in the ocean and on September 3rd, God found him there too.

I hope you enjoy this podcast and that it brings to mind the men like Tony you have been blessed to have in your life. Celebrate them – while they’re still alive.

The post A Damn Good Man – A Tribute to Tony Marquez appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Everyone is interested in how men and women are getting along these days. What if there were something other than “we’re from different planets” model? Once a month my good friend, Dr. Allen Berger, and I take over the Man Rules podcast to talk about our forthcoming book, What Men Would Tell You If They Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV.

This month Allen and I start our Man Rules discussion where we are going to discuss each of the 10 Man Rules that we unpack at length in the book. The first one is the Man Rule that is most often the first one named when I have the audience identify the Man Rules themselves: Don’t Cry.

This powerful Rule is about much more than simply not crying. It is one of the mega rules because so many of the other rules are built into it: don’t show feelings, don’t be vulnerable, don’t be weak, and many more.

How does it show up in your relationship? How does it show up in your life? The Water is very deep with this Rule.

Practical and Tactical

1. If you’re having difficulty crying, then be accepting of that. Then say this: “I am not going to cry because…” Get in touch with what you are doing to stop yourself from crying.
2. If you’re uncomfortable with someone else’s crying then ask yourself why that is. “I am uncomfortable with your/their crying because…” Find the answers to that question.
3. Write a letter or journal entry. Find the words that most accurately reflect your experiences in the moment. Uncensored.

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I had the pleasure of having a conversation with Adam Lamb. The idea was to talk about how various types of masculinity impact the workplace. (Side Note: I am trying not to use the term “toxic masculinity” anymore because I realized I fundamentally disagree with it. It is too easy to use that to mean men are toxic or to dismiss outright certain expressions of masculinity that may not be as “cool” or “woke.” The men we most want to reach probably aren’t going to listen if that’s the term we’re using. I’m still working on a new term that better fits. Maybe, traumatized masculinity but I am not sure. I digress.) And we did talk about that. And much more including the role that conscious men – or harmonized men, as Adam talks about it – can take in the ongoing #metoo conversation. It was a cool conversation with a man who has a lot of unique life experience.

Practical Tactical

1. Men need to find a place where they can own all of who they are in neutrality. In other words: accept themselves and own all of their imperfections without judgment and shame.
2. Join a men’s group. If you can’t find one, start one! Get on Meetup.com. There are online resources to guide you on how to do it.
3. Body work. Some type of body work. There are numerous ways that we can take care of our bodies. Our spirit is the rider and our body is the horse. Start with something to honor the horse!

You can learn more about Adam at www.Adammlamb.com

Check out his new book An Initiated Man

Adam Lamb was born in Medford Mass in the turbulent 1960’s. His mother is a Cuban immigrant and his father was a Professor of Modern Languages at Purdue University. Adam spent most of his life as a professional chef, writing non fiction in between cooking fish. A story teller since an early age, Adam sang in an all original rock and roll band in the 90’s, writing all the lyrics, arrangements and recording three cd’s with the South Florida band, Blind Pilot. He has three siblings as well as three grown children, and one grandson who all wish to remain nameless lest they get connected, socially, to Adam’s infirmity and self indulgence. He is a sought after speaker on the issues of purpose, leading a thriving life and enjoying successful relationships. Following a conversation where the right questions were finally asked, Adam has dedicated himself to paying forward the freedom with which he now lives his life. He now coaches and guides those who are looking to take action in creating the lives they know is possible. He hosts a weekly Facebook Live called ‘The Morning MAN-ifesto’ and a monthly podcast, ‘MAN-ifesto Radio’. Adam’s published works include: Getting Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable, Profanity & Its Proper Use and An Initiated Man, Finally. His newest book, ‘Circle Jerk – Lessons of Manhood My Father Never Taught Me’ is due out in summer 2019.

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Life is one lesson after another. If we are paying attention. Sometimes we get the same lessons over and over, often with increasing intensity. The first time it is as if the Universe is saying, “Psst…Hey Buddy” and just whispers in our ear. The next time maybe there is a slight tap on the shoulder. Then a tug of the arm. Then getting hit upside the back of the head. Hopefully a two-by-four across the forehead can be avoided. The question: What does it take to wake up? The young people (holy shit, did I just say that? I am still kicking and screaming into middle age) talk about being #woke and it is a wonderful concept but sooooooo much harder to put into practice in your life. At least, in my experience, it is pretty easy to go back to sleep. 

In this episode, I talk about a car accident I had last week and the lessons I am taking away from it. I am truly grateful that nobody was hurt. I am pretty sure this was me getting hit upside the back of the head. My journey with being a #woke human being regarding my relationship to anger. It is amazing the near tragedies and catastrophes we walk away from, sometimes unscathed because of the fraction of a second, because Life is giving us an opportunity to pay closer attention. And yet we close our eyes. Other than my car, there was no damage. I hope I listen. This time.   

Discussed in this Episode

The Butterfly Effect

Bullet with Butterfly Wings (and Lyrics)

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In The Man Rules Deep Dive episodes, Dan talks to one man about his particular experiences coming to terms with some facet of his identity as a man. This month, our Deep Dive guest is Chris Cole, author, life coach, and host of the Waking Up Bipolar podcast.

Chris talks about his efforts to form a healthy identity as a man who doesn’t necessarily fit society’s definition of “normal.” He first encountered this struggle as a young boy, when it became clear to him that his preference for playing house with girls and his tendencies to be sensitive and highly attuned to the emotions of others did not fit within the realm of things that were okay for boys. His confusion around what was expected of him as a man and lack of ability to confide in anyone in his life eventually contributed to body image issues, disordered eating, and a substance use disorder.

Chris talks with Dan about how what he’s learned from his journey has helped to make him a better father, partner, and friend, and how he strives to help others through his work.

Practical & Tactical Tips

1. As men, it’s important to practice and model full and complete apologies. If you do something that hurts someone,  fully own it, and say, “I’m sorry I did this.” Part of what many people experience as toxic masculinity can be boiled down to an inability and/or unwillingness to apologize.
2. Learn to meditate. Learn to practice mindfulness no matter what that looks like based on your own spiritual or religious beliefs.
3. Self-disclose your emotions to your male friends. Find ways to do it. The majority of men in this country don’t have one man in their life with whom they can talk to about anything other than sports, weather, and politics. Taking that risk with just one other person can greatly help reduce feelings of isolation.  

About Our Guest

In addition to his life coaching services, Chris Cole has written a memoir about his own recovery journey. titled The Body of Chris: A Memoir of Obsession, Addiction, and Madness. It was an Amazon #1 bestseller for bipolar disorder, named a two-time Finalist in both Spirituality and Religious Non-Fiction for the 2016 Next Generation Indie Book Awards, and has received praise from transpersonal and clinical psychologists alike.  His most recent project, the Waking Up Bipolar podcast, is a collaborative effort focused on the intersection of bipolar disorder and spiritual awakening. He believes that mental health challenges have the potential to mark our lives in beautiful and poignant ways. To find out more visit colecoaching.com.

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Everyone is interested in how men and women can get along these days. The model Allen and Dan offer is different. No more “we’re from different planets.” As our regular listeners know, Dan is working on a new book, What Men Would Tell You If They Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV with his good friend Dr. Allen Berger. Allen is back on the podcast this week— as he is the third week of every month— to share more of the “whys and hows” behind the book.

In this episode, Dan and Allen talk about why they chose to write a book specifically for women. The Man Rules tend to prohibit men from being truly open and honest about who they are and what they need. It can be difficult for women to find a way in, in order to develop a deeper connection. The book is all about helping women create an opening in the relationship where there wasn’t one before. Through the questions and conversation topics Dan and Allen suggest in the book, women may once again be able to see their relationships as places of endless possibility, almost as they did when they first met their man. To help illustrate those possibilities, Dan and Allen share examples from their work with couples and from their own lives and relationships.

The book, however, is not about women having to change who they are in order to make that connection. Part of the secret is women learning not to take their partners’ behaviors personally. Dan and Allen cannot emphasize enough that if a man is acting inappropriately or in any way abusively, the woman has no role to play in “fixing” that.. That woman should put down the book and get professional help for her safety and to help heal or end the relationship.  

As Dan says, “At the end of the day we’re really just trying to provide a resource for women to get a better look at the inner lives of men. We want to create a little more compassion and empathy providing a different perspective on their man’s behavior.”

There is no question that our society is deeply interested in how men and women get along these days. And there are certainly models that have attempted to negotiate that. What Allen and Dan are doing is a different approach. No more of this different planet crap. This is two men who are very committed to growing in their relationships with the women in their lives. They believe part of the solution is helping women better understand men from a conscious man’s perspective.

We’d love to hear what you think about this episode, AND/OR to hear about your experiences with the Man Rule we’ll be covering next month: Don’t cry. Please email [email protected] with your questions and comments. Or reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

Practical and Tactical

1. Pay attention to your typical way of responding to a problem and see if you can start to identify a pattern. Do you have a habitual way of responding? If so, try doing the opposite for a week. For example, if you tend to react negatively when he asks you to help him find his car keys for 1 millionth time, try to react positively. See what happens. This is about being happy – not being right!

About Our Guest

Allen Berger, Ph.D., is an internationally recognized expert in family and couples therapy, and in the science of addiction and recovery. He is best known for his work on integrating modern psychotherapy with the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and for his insights into emotional sobriety. He is also recognized for his outstanding work as a psychotherapist and trainer.

He brings a highly unique background to his profession. His own personal journey in recovery started in 1971, on the beautiful island of Oahu, Hawaii. There he fell in love with recovery and with helping people find their way out of the abyss of addiction into the light of recovery. He overcame dropping out of high school, and received a doctorate in clinical psychology from UC Davis in 1987.He was trained and mentored by two brilliant clinicians: William C. Rader, M.D. and Walter Kempler, M.D..

He is the author of several journal articles as well as two books: Love Secrets – Revealed (HCI Books, 2006) and the bestseller, 12 Stupid Things that Mess up Recovery (Hazelden, 2008)). His pamphlet How to Get the Most out of Group Therapy (Hazelden, 2007) helps new admissions understand the process of group therapy and how to use the group to optimize their experience in treatment.

His office is located in Southern California where he divides his time amongst private practice, teaching, writing and playing tennis.

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Everyone told you being a Dad would be hard, right? Many probably even said, “Nothing can prepare you…” And, man, they were so right. There’s nothing we can tell you to make the transition to being a new Dad a smooth and easy one, but we can help you figure out how to be more involved, more present, and more engaged as a parent and a partner. That’s what we’re aiming to do in this series of Daddy Downloads from The Man Rules podcast.

In this episode, Dan shares some thoughts on how Dads can get back into the parenting game when they feel like they’ve been sidelined. When you and your partner have a baby, the focus often quickly and completely shifts away from your relationship and toward the needs of the baby. How can you begin to balance the baby’s needs, your partner’s needs, and your own needs, while being the best possible Dad you can be? It’s not easy, but it’s possible through honesty, open communication, and humility.

Practical & Tactical Tips

1. Include yourself in the narrative. When people ask how your partner and the baby are doing, go ahead and mention how you’re doing as well. You are an equally important part of the story.
2. Pay attention to your feelings. When you start to feel resentful or disconnected, talk to your partner or a trusted friend about it.
3. Make time for yourself. Not at the expense of the child, or your partner, but just enough to re-energize and bring your best self to parenthood.
4. Identify at least two men in your life with whom you can talk openly and honestly about the ups and downs of being a Dad.

About Dan

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. Dan’s work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. Dan’s book, A Man’s Way through Relationships, is the first book written specifically to help men create healthy relationships while navigating the challenges of the “Man Rules,” those ideas men internalize at very young ages about how to be real boys and men.

Dan’s professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. He is also the author of A Man’s Way through the Twelve Steps, the first trauma-informed book to take a holistic look at men’s sobriety. He co-authored Helping Men Recover, the first comprehensive gender-responsive and trauma-informed curriculum for addiction and mental health professionals. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous.

The post Daddy Download – What About Me? appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Tim Clausen, author, jazz musician, and friend of The Man Rules podcast,  passed away on July 29. Tim was on a mission to help men—especially gay men—find their voices, find peace, and find love in all of its many forms. We were so fortunate to have known him and to have had him as a guest on the show, where he modeled the emotional courage and open curiosity about his own inner life and the inner lives of others we believe is key to helping men lead happier, healthier lives.

In this episode, we pay tribute to Tim by looking back on some of the best advice, insights, and personal experiences he shared on the show. Tim’s words inspired us to keep working to find our own voices and live our most authentic lives, and we hope they will do the same for you. He will be terribly missed.

About Tim Clausen

January 1, 1960 – July 29, 2018

Tim Clausen was a jazz and blues pianist rooted in the great stride-piano tradition and an author. Self-taught, his stylistic influences included jazz giants Erroll Garner, Art Tatum, Oscar Peterson, Tommy Flanagan, Ahmad Jamal, and Carl Perkins. Tim was a featured pianist at many of Milwaukee’s finest restaurants, hotels, arts centers and special events, and performed at jazz engagements in Houston, Philadelphia and Paris, France. In his related work as jazz biographer, Tim interviewed dozens of jazz legends while putting together musical histories on his two favorite jazz pianists, Erroll Garner and Dave Catney. Tim published his first book, Love Together, in 2014 and his second book, Not The Son He Expected, on gay men’s relationships with their fathers in 2017.

Mentioned in This Episode

Tim Clausen on The Man Rules podcast:

Living in Broken Time — Jazz Pianist Tim Clausen on Gay Men and Their Fathers

Not the Son He Expected – Deep Dive with Tim Clausen

Tim Clausen’s Books:

Not the Son He Expected: Gay Men Talk Candidly About Their Relationship with Their Father

Love Together: Longtime Male Couples on Healthy Intimacy and Communication

The post A Tribute to Tim Clausen appeared first on Dan Griffin.

It’s rarely easy for any of us to say “I love you” for the first time. But, this can be especially true when one straight guy loves another straight guy. Of course, those times are changing. Especially thanks to your friends at Budweiser all of those years ago. 

The Water doesn’t leave much room for expressing all the different types of love that men experience. It’s okay to express familial love, and it’s okay to express love for a person you are interested in having sex with or currently having sex with, but expressing love for someone who is not blood-related and/or a potential sex partner? That’s just WEIRD, man. Or strictly verboten.

This week our guest Bob Nickman joins Dan for a Deep Dive on why, even in a culture that frowns on it, it’s worth taking the risk of telling your closest male friends that you love them. It’s one way to tear the social barriers that prevent men from developing close, nurturing friendships with other men. Bob and Dan talk about their own fears in expressing those feelings, and what the result has been of taking the risk.

Practical & Tactical

1. The next time you feel like you have a friend that you love — say it.
2. Put a “comma man” after it the first time. Make it a little less vulnerable.
3. You don’t need to hear it back for it to matter.
4. In the next month, find one man to whom you can say it. And do it!

About Our Guest

Bob Nickman is an American comedian, actor, television producer, and television writer. As a television producer/writer, his credits include Mad About You, Freaks and Geeks, Danny, According to Jim, Big Day, Rita Rocks and Roseanne. As an actor, he appeared in four episodes of Roseanne from 1994 to 1995, as well as guest starring in an episode of Designing Women in 1990, his acting debut. He also appeared in the films Shakes the Clown (1991) and Crossing the Bridge (1992). He is a native of Cleveland, Ohio and performed stand-up comedy for much of the 1980s. He is currently the host of The Exploding Human Podcast where he interviews people in the fields of health and healing in body, mind and spirit. 

Mentioned in This Episode

The 7 Types of Love

“Guy Love” from Scrubs

The post I Love You…Man appeared first on Dan Griffin.

It’s been said that men are women are from totally different planets. All of the struggles they have in relating to one another are a result of the fact that they are just two totally different species, and the only way to bridge the gap is to study the culture, habits, and communication styles of the other and try to adapt the best you can.

There’s only one, small, potential problem with that approach. It may put some of us in a mindset that, when communicating with our partners, we should seek primarily to be understood rather than to understand. Or perhaps we resign ourselves to the idea that we will never truly understand or know our partner. It sets you up to think that your relationship is about developing the best offense or defense based on what you know about your opponent’s playing style. It’s more about protecting and less about connecting.  

Dan says that it’s more like men are from France, and women are from Spain. They do both speak different languages, but the words in each language come from the same root. (i.e. Latin.)    

That’s why Dan is working on a new book, What Men Would Tell You If They Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV with his good friend Dr. Allen Berger. Allen is back on the podcast this week to help explain the aim behind the book, and to give a few pointers on beginning a process of healthy struggle with your partner. Dan and Allen share tips on how to stay connected during the day-to-day ups and downs of your relationship, and how to allow your difference to make you stronger as individuals, and as a couple. You’ll also hear a preview of the 10 Man Rules Dan and Allen will cover in upcoming episodes – as well as in their forthcoming book.

We’d love to hear what you think about this episode, AND/OR to hear about your experiences with the Man Rule we’ll be covering next month. Please email [email protected] with your questions and comments. Or reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

Practical and Tactical

Tune in to The Man Rules podcast the third week of every month, to hear Dan and Allen break down the following Man Rules:

1. The Don’t Cry Rule
2. The Always Be in Control Rule
3. The Don’t Be Vulnerable or Weak Rule
4. The Success Rule
5. The Protector Rule
6. The Fight Rule
7. The Be Cool Rule
8. The Sex Rule
9. The Winning Rule
10. The Know It All Rule

Mentioned in This Episode

Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus – John Gray

Dr. Walter Kempler

I and Thou, Martin Buber

Alexythymia

The post What Men Would Tell You… About Women appeared first on Dan Griffin.

If you want to change old patterns of thought and behavior—like choosing more consciously how The Man Rules fit into your life—you’re going to need to broaden your perspective and gain some personal insight. There’s no better way to do that than reading. I know, I know… No one has time for that these days. Not in a world of smart phones and Netflix. But, if you’re serious about developing a practice that will lead you toward a more conscious masculinity, I strongly encourage to add reading to your repertoire–even if it’s only a page or two a day.

Each month I’ll be sharing three books that have helped me along the way…here are the books for the Month of May, our special 1 year anniversary celebration list. If you or someone you know struggles with depression or anger issues or overall relationship challenges (uh, who wouldn’t be in that camp?) then check out these books.

I Don’t Want to Talk About

by Terry Real

Depression is a very insidious disease. For the longest time it was really thought to be an issue mostly for women. Men didn’t even come forward about it. Even those men who did find themselves getting help didn’t get the right help because the majority of the therapists and “helpers” didn’t understand what male depression looks like. Until Terry wrote this groundbreaking book. With men’s suicide rates at all-time high, the increasing pressure for men to be relational and connect, and our even increasing focus on mental health, in general, in this country male depression is not going away. It continues to be missed by men, their loved ones, and professionals working with men and couples. If you have questions about depression, are concerned about yourself or a loved one, check out this book and get a better understanding of what depression can look like in men and the best ways to treat it.

The Anger Solution

by John Lee

If you are familiar with my work then you have probably heard me talk about the anger funnel. The idea that men learn to take all of the feelings that are not okay to share or even experience – fear, sadness, insecurity, shame, hurt, etc – and place in a funnel where they come out as some form of anger. Understanding what feelings are underneath the anger is an essential part of men’s healing and building true intimacy in any relationship. But what is the difference between anger and rage? Is anger really the issue?

If you struggle with anger in any way – and chances are it may be more rage that you struggle with – this book and all of John Lee’s work could be very helpful. As someone who has been brought to his knees many times over the years by rage, trauma, and shame I am learning the power of having a healthy relationship to anger. If anyone has ever given you feedback about being angry, mean, or an asshole check out this book and John’s work.

Love Secrets Revealed

by Dr. Allen Berger

I love Allen and his work. He has a wonderful way of communicating complicated ideas. There are a lot of books out there on relationships and intimacy and how to improve them. A lot of them are crap, if you ask me. This is a really good one but I am biased. Read it for yourself and see what you think.

Tell me About Your Favorite Books

Do you have some favorite books that have changed the way you think about men and relationships? Email your recommendations to [email protected] or tweet it @authordgriffin or reach out on Facebook.

The post RecomMENded Reading – May appeared first on Dan Griffin.

When we started The Man Rules podcast one year ago, we had no idea what we were doing. We knew that we wanted to offer a self-improvement resource for men that went way beyond the whole, “how to get laid, how to make a ton of money, how to get ripped” kind of thing you tend to see in most media that’s geared toward men. We also wanted to help to continue and expand the conversation around gender inequality, by highlighting the many ways that men suffer from strictly-enforced gender roles in ways that we often don’t recognize. But, we didn’t know what the daily ins and outs of making a podcast would be…

One year later, we still sometimes feel like we don’t know what we’re doing from a day-to-day operations standpoint. And we wonder if we’ve been successful at all with the overall mission. (We’d love to hear your thoughts on what kind of impact we have or have not had!) There have been times in the past year when we wondered if anyone was actually listening. We wondered if we had started podcasting at the wrong time—a time when podcasting has exploded, and there are tons of wonderful, fascinating, slickly-produced, and well-funded shows out there with big names and big personalities attached. “How can we compete with all of that?” we thought. “Should we even bother?”

But, in the end, we decided that there really aren’t many shows like ours. People are having great conversations on podcasts everywhere, but they aren’t having the kind of conversations that we’re having. In this episode, Dan reflects on some of those conversations, and talks about what he’s learned from the show—how it’s helped him recognize some not-so-healthy patterns in his own life and uncover some blind spots that he had around gender equality, even as a person who has spent years learning and speaking about it. He also looks ahead to the next year and talks about changes and improvements we’re making to the show.

So, we soldier on. And we hope that our little labor of love helps at least one man out there feel less trapped, less confused, less afraid, and less alone. We think it’s the best way—maybe even the only way—to bring about more justice and peace for men, women, and people beyond the binary.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

Practical and Tactical

1. Listen to more episodes of this podcast.
2. Have a conversation with somebody in your life about the podcast you listen to, share with them what you’re getting out of it, and invite them to listen to it.
3. Listen to more episodes of the podcast and review them on iTunes, Stitcher, or other platforms where you listen.

About Dan Griffin

The post It’s the First Anniversary of The Man Rules Podcast! appeared first on Dan Griffin.

A major shift is happening in how we view gender, sexuality and violence. Many people, like our guest Mary Woods, see echoes of the 60s civil rights movements in this modern era of protest and consciousness raising. But, many men feel confused about their place in these movements. In the stories we hear day after day, men are the perpetrators of the sexual violence, racial violence, and gun violence. Much of the conversation focuses on how to change men–and no doubt, change is needed. But, as Dan often says, “We can’t just change what men think, we have to change what we think about men.”

Change cannot happen when people are silenced or dismissed. The Women’s Movement has had its success through teaching women how to understand the day-to-day mechanics of their oppression and the importance of speaking out against them. In order to speak out, they had to build a huge community of people who would lend their support and make it safe for them to speak out and take action.

We have to do the same for men.

In this episode Dan and Mary talk about the ways that we can support men as they confront the injustices of their socialization as men (i.e. be the biggest, the baddest, the richest, the meanest), wrestle with their relationships to power, and try to build a canal through the muddy waters of gender expectation.

Practical and Tactical

1. Sit down with someone of a different gender and ask them “What is your experience like living in our society today? What was living in your family like? And listen. Then, ask yourself if your ideas and perspectives changed, even just a little.
2. Look at the history of the women’s rights movement, the civil rights movement, and treatment of veterans. If you don’t study your history, you’re doomed to repeat it.
3. Join a group that will help you look at things from a different perspective. Joining with others to tell the truth about your experiences and listen closely as they tell the truth about theirs.

About Our Guest

Mary Ryan Woods holds a master’s degree in human service administration, is a Board Certified Licensed Registered Nurse and a Licensed Alcohol and Drug Abuse Counselor, who has over 37 years’ experience in substance abuse services and community mental health programs. Woods began her career in the addictions profession working in a variety of settings. Currently, she is the Executive Officer for WestBridge Community Services a private, nonprofit organization dedicated to the treatment of individuals and families with co-occurring mental illness and substance use disorders. WestBridge has programs in New Hampshire and Florida. She is a Past President for NAADAC the association of addiction professionals.

Mentioned in This Episode

WestBridge

Dual Diagnosis

The Post (movie)

George Carlin

All in The Family

The Lion’s Paw (Note: There are several variations of this story.)

Dialectical Behavior Therapy

The post Muddy Waters – Episode 56 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

For Jason MacKenzie, everything was going as planned. He had a great job, a beautiful wife, two kids, a nice house, and a nice car. So, how did he one day find himself, widowed, and drinking until he passed out (again) on his couch, while his heartbroken 9-year-old daughter played on the floor alone?  

On this episode of The Man Rules podcast, Jason explains how he radically changed his life by stepping outside of his alpha male persona and embracing his long-hidden emotionality, sensitivity, and creativity through vulnerability. You’ll learn more about his mission to help other men discover the power of emotion through his Mental Health Warriors project and hear his Practical and Tactical Tips for living a more authentic life. He and Dan also discuss the differences between the problematic use of alcohol and addiction, and paths available to recovery.

Practical and Tactical Tips

1. There is so much knowledge and wisdom to be gained through your emotions. Allow yourself to feel every single one. You don’t have to let them dictate your decisions in order to learn from them.
2. Be willing to share your story in order to help others. This doesn’t mean that you have no boundaries and share anything and everything and with anyone and everyone. It means that you recognize when someone is struggling, and offer to share your story if you think it will help them.
3. When you start to step into your emotions, you are going to create opportunities for yourself that you’ve never even imagined before. Learn to embrace those opportunities and to learn from disappointment and failure.

Bonus: If you’d like to talk to someone about what you’re going through right now, you can book a complimentary two-hour conversation with Jason at MentalHealthWarriors.com.

About Our Guest

Jason MacKenzie is an expert on peak human performance. His philosophy, experience, and methods are born from the laboratory of his own life and the lives of the people he serves. A father, published author, experienced speaker, and proven leader Jason is sharing the important life lessons he has learned from his harrowing personal journey. He is a survivor of his wife’s battle with bipolar disorder and subsequent suicide and has overcome a decade-long battle with alcohol. His goal is to equip every man with the tools to become a better father, leader, and human being. Find out more at MentalHealthWarriors.com

Mentioned on The Show

The Mental Health Warriors Podcast

Terry Real – “The impact of male socialization is disconnection.”

Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability

The post What’s Left When It All Falls Away – Episode 51 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Happy New Year! And welcome to the annual tradition of making resolutions without much resolve. This year, though, could really be your year. Instead of relying on willpower to achieve your goals, rely on a framework for positive change, like our guest Darcy Luoma’s Thoughtfully Fit®.

Through her years of experience, Darcy has learned that if you want strong relationships, effective teams, more internal peace, and greater success you need to work from the inside out. She calls this being Thoughtfully Fit and just like physical fitness, you need to work at it. Being Thoughtfully Fit can help you lead yourself, as well as your relationships with others, by improving your ability to communicate, and effectively handle conflict by acting mindfully and intentionally. It’s a great model for developing the kind of conscious masculinity we always talk about on the show, and for becoming the man you want to be in 2018 and beyond.

Also, if you’ve ever wondered about the difference between a therapist and life coach, Darcy and Dan offer an explanation and some tips on how to decide whether you need therapy or coaching. (Or both!)

For more information about the Thoughtfully Fit framework, check out Darcy Luoma’s blog.

Practical and Tactical Tips

              The Thoughtfully Fit Framework           

1. PAUSE. When you feel that you are on verge of reacting to something, create some space between feeling and action. (e.g. Don’t just ram through and hit send on that response to your co-worker’s nasty email.)
2. THINK. Ask yourself some thoughtful questions about what you want the outcome to be.
3. ACT based on the desired outcome.

About Our Guest

Darcy Luoma helps individuals, business leaders and teams develop and execute action plans, navigate conflict successfully, unlock their leadership potential, improve communication skills, and bring clarity to chaos is so rewarding. By posing powerful questions, providing specific tools and techniques, encouraging creativity, and breaking large goals into manageable steps, her clients achieve tremendous success, including promotions, higher performance, exceeding goals, and successfully navigating job and life transitions.

She has helped hundreds of people achieve tremendous success – personally and professionally. You can contact her through her website, www.darcyluoma.com.

Mentioned In This Episode

Brene Brown

Angela Duckworth

Martin Luther

The post Episode 45: Go Coach Yourself! appeared first on Dan Griffin.

“Things can be true on one level, and on another, not true at all. Wisdom is to know how to hear and see on different levels at the same time.”  – Richard Rohr

Let’s think about the typical life cycle of a public sexual misconduct allegation. The conversation that surrounds each accusation tends to center around what’s right and what’s wrong. We want–no, we need–clear answers. Was it a harmless joke? Or, was it a clear violation of sexual boundaries? Is it right to fire him over that? Is it wrong to suspect the victim may be exaggerating? Is going to “sex addiction treatment” just a way for the perpetrator to try to shirk responsibility for his actions? What if the perpetrator isn’t a man? What if the victim isn’t a woman?

Dr. Alexandra Katehakis returns to the show to help Dan finally and definitively answer all of these questions—JUST KIDDING! There, of course, are no definitive answers to these questions. That’s one of the many things that makes this gender-based cultural upheaval extremely confusing and sometimes painful. While at the extreme ends of the sexual misconduct spectrum, we can clearly label some people as criminals and others as victims, there’s a lot of room in between for varying degrees of nuance.

Though Alex and Dan don’t provide us with all the answers, they do make a convincing case for embracing the chaos in a way that forces us to be more honest with ourselves and with each other, and for seizing the opportunity to have these conversations in our homes, workplaces, churches, and schools, so that we can build a better future based on true gender equality. 

Resources

If you have questions about sexual disorders or want to get some some perspective on the current public conversations around gender and sexuality, you can call the Center for Healthy Sex at 310-843-3902.

Practical and Tactical

1. Keep conversations about sex and sexuality out of the workplace. When in doubt err on the side of caution— especially right now.
2. Talk to your sons about what it means to be male in this culture and how to behave appropriately. And, talk to your daughters about boundaries. Take these community conversations into churches, PTAs, and communities. Just the act of having a dialogue starts to stretch our minds.
3. Just try to be more conscientious as you walk through your days.

About Our Guest

Alex Katehakis is a licensed Marriage, Family Therapist, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist in Los Angeles. She has extensive experience in working with a full spectrum of sexuality from sexual addiction to sex therapy, and problems of sexual desire and sexual dysfunction for individuals and couples. Alex has successfully facilitated the recovery of many sexually addicted individuals and assisted couples in revitalizing their sex lives.

Dr. Katehakis is the Founder and Clinical Director of the Center for Healthy Sex in West Los Angeles, CA. She has lectured for the U.S. Journal Training Conference series, the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health, the UCLA Annual Attachment Conference, the Psychotherapy Networker Annual Conference, Women’s Association of Addiction Treatment, Mt. Sinai Medical School, AIDS Project LA, Eastern Group Psychotherapy Society, Phillips Graduate Institute and Pepperdine University. Dr. Katehakis earned her PhD from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in 2017.

Additionally, Alex appears as a regular guest sex expert every Friday on Dr. Drew Midday Live on KABC Talk Radio to discuss sex, addiction and sexuality. She has been a guest on several national radio programs and appeared on Voice America and WebMD, both live on-line Internet programs, as a sexual addiction expert. She is a regular guest blogger at Psychology Today, Huffington Post, PsychCentral and other websites. Alex teaches workshops on healthy sexuality in retreat settings and has been published in the Journal of Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity.

Mentioned in This Episode

The myth of the male bumbler

Last Man Standing

Tim Allen

Anthony Rapp

Terry Crews

Jay Z talks about going to therapy.

The post Episode 43: Dueling with Dualities appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Cheryl Sharp is an expert on trauma and resilience and a lifelong sailor. So, she knows a thing or two about dealing with rough waters, literally and figuratively. In this episode, she and Dan talk about the stunning cultural tsunami of the #MeToo movement and how it seems to be leveling and rearranging the ways in which men and women are expected to interact with one another. “The Water“–which Dan explains in the very first episode of this podcast–can destroy us, but it can also wash us clean.

If you’re a man who’s hesitant to listen to this one because you’re afraid you’ll hear only more arguments about how men are to blame, take heart. Cheryl has a great deal of empathy for men and the pain in them that often leads to inappropriate behavior. This doesn’t mean that she excuses the behavior–not at all. But, she does believe that the way forward is creating spaces where both women and men can speak openly and honestly about their feelings and their struggles.

Practical & Tactical

1. Know your history. Understand how we got here.
2. Don’t engage in a conversation about this unless you are coming from a place of inquiry. We need to always provide more questions to conversations than answers.
3. In your own personal relationships, try to stay centered. When you feel triggered, use it as an opportunity for you to step back and give yourself a little space so you can figure out where that pain is coming from.
4. Bonus!! Do your work. If #MeToo stories make you feel emotional, whether that’s sad or angry or defensive,  it’s an invitation for you to do some healing. If you stop at feeling angry, the anger will defeat you. #MeToo is a powerful invitation for all of us, no matter where you are on the gender spectrum, to change, grow and heal emotionally and spiritually.

About Our Guest

Cheryl S. Sharp, MSW, ALWF is an Exclusive Consultant to the National Council for Behavioral Health Trauma-Informed Services and Suicide Prevention Efforts.  As part of the trauma-informed care (TIC) team, Cheryl works nationally to facilitate TIC Learning Communities and is a content expert on trauma, resilience and TIC implementation.  Her role as Exclusive Consultant for Suicide Prevention is to work nationally with National Council partners engaged in moving the needle on preventing suicide.  

Cheryl is a person in long-term recovery from mental health and addiction challenges.  She is a nine-time suicide attempt survivor who believes that understanding what happened to people changes the conversation from what is wrong with them.  Sharp has worked with adult trauma survivors for over 30 years and is passionate about the fact that people can and do recover and go on to live happy, healthy and productive lives.

Prior to becoming an exclusive consultant for the National Council, Cheryl started and led all of the National Council’s trauma-informed initiatives.  She led On Our Own of Maryland’s Statewide Consumer Networks as the WRAP Outreach Coordinator and was the Executive Director of the STAR Process located in Arizona as well as serving on their Board of Directors.  Sharp received her BA in Psychology and a BA in Women’s Studies, followed by her Master’s Degree in Social Work from East Carolina University in North Carolina. She has done hospice social work which is also one of her ongoing passions.

Mentioned in This Episode

When Everything Changed by Gail Collins

“The Unexamined Brutality of the Male Libido” by Stephen Marche

bell hooks on the Roots of Male Violence Against Women, The New Yorker Radio Hour

The post Episode 42: Men Overboard, Cheryl Sharp on Navigating the #MeToo Sea Change appeared first on Dan Griffin.

In this episode, speaker and teacher John Wineland defines masculine and feminine polarity (think magnetic fields) and their differing energies and strengths as they relate to intimacy and sex. John talks about how personal awareness of those different energies, which he labels as feminine and masculine, lead to deeper and safer connections with our partners. (We are not sure how much we agree on the labelling of these energies in gendered terms.)

Although it all may sound a little “woo-woo,” and you may not agree with everything John says, his intentions are just like ours here at the Man Rules Podcast: to help men create and sustain more effective connections. John seeks to bring a greater spiritual awareness to men and their relationships. You’ll walk away from this show with some practical strategies you can use to learn more about yourself and your partner by paying attention to the ways in which you both express masculine and feminine energies, and how to cultivate more presence and depth within yourself and your relationships.

Practical and Tactical

1. Ask yourself, “Is this true?” and “What am I making up?” to help challenge your assumptions about your partner’s intentions.  Share your perceptions with your partner or a trusted friend and ask them to give you honest feedback. Do they think you’re off base? 
2. Try this eye gazing technique:  The masculine partner will try to match the breath of the feminine partner while looking into his/her left eye. Do this for 3 to 5 minutes. This helps to gently train your nervous system in a way that will make you more comfortable with intimacy.
3. Make a conscious effort to slow down. What if you walked more slowly through the park, or through the office? What if you spoke more slowly? What if you slowed your breath down? Would you feel more in tune with everything that was going on within you and around you? 

About Our Guest

Known for his groundbreaking work with men, John travels worldwide teaching his vision of embodied men’s work and deep relational practice.  In 2014, he founded The New Men’s Work Project, which has attracted men from around the world looking to develop as leaders in their relationships and communities. The Project is committed to the staggering goal of creating 1000 men’s groups worldwide in the next ten years and has already supported trainings and groups throughout Europe and the U.S.  John’s clients include entrepreneurs, leading thinkers in the world of personal development and entertainment, Ted speakers and creative leaders in Hollywood.

Mentioned in This Episode

John Wineland’s Website

Loving What Is, by Byron Katie

The Meadows

The Mankind Project

David Deida

Imago Dialogue

Nonviolent Communication

The post Episode 40: The Polarity Express appeared first on Dan Griffin.

On this week’s episode, he and Dan talk about the ways that men can unpack their fantasies–whether they involve sex, money, fame, power, or all of the above–to find out who they really are and who they want to be. They also discuss all the reasons you need to make peace with your shadow side, and how to ask yourself the kinds of questions that will help you have a real and lasting impact on your work, on your love life, and on the world.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

Practical & Tactical

1. Become aware of the things you avoid and start to lean into them. How are those things shaping the results you achieve at work and in life? How are they shaping your intimate relationships? How are they shaping who you are as a man?
2. Get familiar with your shadow side. Take a deep look at the parts of yourself that you tend to want to hide. Think about how you can be vulnerable about those things in a way that is conscientious and helps you connect with others.
3. All men want to be great in bed. Think about what your fantasies are. What/Who do you objectify and why? Where do those fantasies come from and why do they exist? Recognizing these things will help you move past objectification and allow you to connect with your partner(s) and stay present in each moment.

About Our Guest

Connor Beaton is the founder of ManTalks, an international organization focused on men’s health, wellness, success, and fulfilment. Connor is also an international speaker, podcast host, CEO, and leader of ManTalks mission to build a global brotherhood. business coach and lifestyle entrepreneur. Before founding ManTalks, Connor had a brief career as an opera singer and worked at Apple, leading high-performance sales and operations teams. Since founding ManTalks, Connor has spoken on stage at TEDx, taken ManTalks to over a dozen cities internationally and has been featured on platforms like Forbes, Influencive, HeForShe, The Good Men Project, UN Women, CBC, CBS, and the National Post.

Mentioned on the Show

ManTalks

Connor Beaton’s website 

The post Episode 38: Beyond Boobs, Babes, and Bloodsports with Connor Beaton appeared first on Dan Griffin.

If you’re one of the lucky six out of seven, most of the stories you’ve heard about addiction are probably tragic. Advocacy organizations and government agencies often gather up their sobering statistics, like the one we shared above, and toss them out to the news media, with the hope that spreading the word about the dangers of the disease might help prevent more people from succumbing to addiction, and might garner more support for research and treatment from the general public. These are worthy goals, the pain and tragedy of addiction is real, and those stories need to be told— But, it’s only one side of the story.

In honor of National Recovery Month, we’ll be exploring the other side of the story. There are millions of people, like Dan, for whom recovery from addiction is an everyday part of life. They are people who have been able to free themselves from what once seemed a very hopeless situation. People who have helped restore their families by clearing a path to healing. People who are making larger contributions to their communities.

Everyone knows someone who suffers from a substance use disorder. And, chances are, if you are not in recovery yourself, you know someone who is. Even if you feel pretty certain that you don’t know anyone in recovery— trust us—you probably do. (Those 12-step programs all have the word “Anonymous” in their names for a reason.) That is what we are celebrating this month.

When you start to consider how many addicted people have found a way to beat the odds and live happy, full, productive, and joyful lives in spite of their struggles, the story of addiction becomes one of triumph rather than tragedy.
To help us celebrate National Recovery Month, go to Dan’s Facebook page and share your own story of recovery, if you have one. Let people who are currently in the throes of their addictions know that there is hope. Recovery is a reality for millions in our country and we want to make sure that reality outshines our society’s seeming obsession with addiction and the often sad truth of its destruction. For this month, let’s make the celebration of recovery the loudest message and let it ring throughout the rest of the year.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About The Man Rules Podcast Host, Dan Griffin

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. His work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. His professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous. Dan grew up in the DC area and lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Nancy, and his daughter, Grace, and has been in long-term recovery from addiction since he graduated college in May of 1994.

Resources

Facing Addiction

Faces of Voices of Recovery

A Man’s Way Through Relationships

A Man’s Way Through The 12 Steps

Helping Men Recover

Griffin Recovery Enterprises

The Meadows Senior Fellows

The post Episode 25: I Learned It By Watching You – Dan on the Realities of Addiction & Recovery appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Dan and author Rick Belden talk about the father wound as a series of complex, emotional injuries to a child’s psyche over many years. Along the way, they share some of the insights they’ve gained in the process of forgiving their less-than-nurturing fathers, and offer some practical tips for beginning the process of facing and overcoming the pain.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About Our Guest

Rick Belden is a respected explorer and chronicler of the psychology and inner lives of men. He has been writing for most of his life and has been using creative expression, dreamwork, personal mythology, and listening to the body as tools for self-healing since 1989.

His book, Iron Man Family Outing: Poems about Transition into a More Conscious Manhood, is widely used in the United States and internationally by therapists, counselors, and men’s groups as an aid in the exploration of masculine psychology and men’s issues, and as a resource for men who grew up in dysfunctional, abusive, or neglectful family systems.

Rick’s poetry and essays have appeared in multiple books and on numerous websites around the world, reaching an international audience of many thousands of men and women. He helps men who are feeling stuck get their lives moving again by drawing on over 25 years of experience exploring men’s issues, masculine psychology, and recovery from abuse.

He lives in Austin, Texas.

Mentioned in This Episode

Rick Belden’s Website

Poem: My Father’s Body

Earnie Larsen

Rex McCann

Carl Jung

Pia Mellody

The Meadows

The post Episode 14: When His Best Was Not Enough — The Father Wound, with Rick Belden appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Modern fatherhood truly can be a daunting undertaking, since the expectations for dads are more fluid than ever before. As you create your own path, these tips might serve as helpful guideposts.

Practical and Tactical Tips

1. Focus on the quality, not the quantity, of time with your kids and spouse.
2. Consciously cultivate skills like empathy, negotiation, communication, and compromise.
3. Advocate for family-friendly policies on our jobs and in our government.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app!

About Our Guest

Jeremy Adam Smith is the author of The Daddy Shift: How Stay-at-Home Dads, Breadwinning Moms, and Shared Parenting are Transforming the American Family (Beacon Press, June 2009); co-editor of The Compassionate Instinct (WW Norton, January 2010); and co-editor of Are We Born Racist? (Beacon Press, August 2010). He is also the author of numerous essays, articles, and short stories for publications that include Mothering (magazine), San Francisco Chronicle, Wired (magazine), and Utne Reader. He blogs regularly for Mothering magazine, and is the founder of the blog Daddy Dialectic. Smith has also collaborated with the web show DadLabs to produce a series of segments on the science of fatherhood, and has appeared on Nightline, Forum with Michael Krasny, and other TV and radio shows. (From Wikipedia.)

About The Man Rules Podcast Host, Dan Griffin

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. His work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. His professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous. Dan grew up in the DC area and lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Nancy, and his daughter, Grace, and has been in long-term recovery from addiction since he graduated college in May of 1994.

Mentioned in This Episode

Greater Good Magazine

The Daddy Shift: How Stay-at-Home Dads, Breadwinning Moms, and Shared Parenting are Transforming the American Family

Rad Dad: Dispatches from the Frontiers of Fatherhood

The post Practical & Tactical Tips: Fear Of The Dad You Could Be (Episode 13) appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Our culture at large still hasn’t quite made up its mind about whether it is best for dads to be more traditionally masculine, or if they should be working toward a more balanced and flexible approach to fatherhood. On the plus side, this means that men get to decide for themselves what kinds of fathers they will be. On the other hand, having to make choices that will have a significant impact on who our children ultimately become can bring on a lot of uncertainty, fear, and anxiety.

In this episode, I sit down with author Jeremy Smith to encourage fathers to do some soul-searching — to decide what their goals are at every stage of their children’s lives, and to make conscious and intentional decisions that will help them be the kind of fathers their kids need them to be. We also discuss the challenges of parenting adolescents, the particular demands of being a stepfather, and how men can work to improve their listening skills, compassion, and communication.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app!

About Our Guest

Jeremy Adam Smith is the author of The Daddy Shift: How Stay-at-Home Dads, Breadwinning Moms, and Shared Parenting are Transforming the American Family (Beacon Press, June 2009); co-editor of The Compassionate Instinct (WW Norton, January 2010); and co-editor of Are We Born Racist? (Beacon Press, August 2010). He is also the author of numerous essays, articles, and short stories for publications that include Mothering (magazine), San Francisco Chronicle, Wired (magazine), and Utne Reader. He blogs regularly for Mothering magazine, and is the founder of the blog Daddy Dialectic. Smith has also collaborated with the web show DadLabs to produce a series of segments on the science of fatherhood, and has appeared on Nightline, Forum with Michael Krasny, and other TV and radio shows. (From Wikipedia.)

Mentioned in This Episode

Greater Good Magazine

The Daddy Shift: How Stay-at-Home Dads, Breadwinning Moms, and Shared Parenting are Transforming the American Family

Rad Dad: Dispatches from the Frontiers of Fatherhood

The post Episode 13: Fear Of The Dad You Could Be, with Guest Jeremy Smith appeared first on Dan Griffin.

I have come to appreciate the depth of this particularly Promise. A picture that I love shows two scenes: one of Heaven and one of Hell. In Hell, everyone is seated at a table with grossly elongated spoons that they simply cannot fit into their mouths. In Heaven, everyone is seated at a very similar table with the same exact elongated spoons. The only difference? They are feeding one another from across the table. If you see the world as a place in which you never have enough, you will always be trying to meet your needs but without success. Seeking to fulfill only your needs is like digging a bottomless pit. There is no happiness to be found on that path. In reality, you have everything you need right now.

Of course, it is easy to say we have everything we need but truly believing it is another story. We have been programmed to want – more and more. We have been programmed to believe that we are somehow incomplete or less than if we do not have certain things. So long as I am in search of that which will make me happy and fill me up I am seeking on behalf of myself. It is through the program of recovery and learning to be of service that I get to discover the paradox that when I reach out to you, I get connection; when I give to you, I get; and when I seek to be of service to help you in your journey toward happiness, I am filled.

I often lose sight of this Promise because my default so often is to go to scarcity. But it is a truth – a truth that has saved me countless times over the years of my recovery. When I live in this I am much closer to being the person I was put on this earth to be.

The post Promise #8: Self Seeking will Slip Away appeared first on Dan Griffin.

When it comes to my work and women there can often be some confusion. First, some people think that because I am for men I must be against women. Frankly, that is just sad. I will also own that I have not been as outspoken as I could have about how much women’s issues mean to me. Women’s issues ARE men’s issues as well. Just as men’s issues are women’s issues. And all gender issues are all of our issues.

The following is an excerpt from my last book, A Man’s Way through Relationships. It is a section entitled “A Long Way to Go.” You can also listen to the podcast I did with Kristin Walker of Mental Health News Radio called The Year of the Woman that chronicled the powerful lessons I learned about how I can best support women with my work.

A Long Way to Go

I often tell people that a lot of my work comes from a feminist perspective, which gets different kinds of reactions. I explain that feminism simply means that I believe (1) men and women are inherently equal, and (2) we live in a society that is far from acknowledging that truth politically, socially, and interpersonally. Men and women are equal and different. This view can lead men to realize that, even if they do not see themselves as endorsing feminism, they nonetheless agree with its central tenets. It should not have to be so significant that we create a space in our world to acknowledge and honor that women are equal.

It also has to be acknowledged that around the world there is still a war against girls and women that is horrific and claims victims every day. Women are far from being free in many countries where basic human dignities are denied to them. Education and the ability to choose a husband are unavailable to women in certain countries. Others routinely practice female genital mutilation. Sexual slavery and
human trafficking, which also affects boys and men, is epidemic in many parts of the world, and the buying and selling of children as if they are chattel is feeding the pornography business.

David said the biggest change in his understanding of women since coming into recovery is that they “experience a lot of oppression.” Some men see this and other men do not. Yet every human being knows what it is like to suffer, notfeel good enough, and feel powerless. It would seem that this is the place where men need to find compassion for the plight of girls and women in our country and throughout the world. It doesn’t mean we are the bad guys or the problem, but we can either help to change the oppression of girls and women or perpetuate it. That is the choice every man has. Fighting to end this reality has to be a part of our journey in becoming the best men we can be. As a woman said at one of our trainings, “Men’s privilege and white people’s privilege are part of the Water.” I couldn’t agree more.

Nate said, “I have a close relationship with my daughters. I strive to help them become all they can be and to have an equal place in a ‘man’s world.’” We have to look at what we have internalized and see how it shows up in our lives. I see it all the time with me, if only in how often I still objectify women sexually, as well as in some of the judgments that still come up for me regarding women’s intelligence or competence.

If you want to have healthy relationships with the women in your life and you want to help raise your daughters or your friends’ and neighbors’ daughters or your nieces to be strong, beautiful, intelligent, and powerful women, you have to pay attention to this. All of the men I interviewed with daughters talked about how conscious they were of the fact that their daughters learned from them how to be treated by men. Mark said about his daughter, “She is a dream, and I am always looking for ways to teach her how to be treated by men.” I know that how I treat Nancy teaches Grace everything about how men treat women and about the man I am. I will never be perfect, but I pray that Grace will always see a father, even when he is angry or upset, who chooses peace, respect, and love. Ray said this about raising his daughters: “I feel a great responsibility to show them what it is to be an honorable man.” Amen.

If you are interested in reading more of my book or purchasing it you can go here. If you have already read it please consider rating it on Amazon (apparently those matter!) AND keep your eye out for my new podcast The Man Rules that will be launching next month!

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMAN’S DAY!

The post International Women’s Day – A Long Way to Go appeared first on Dan Griffin.

The road to misery begins in the self. The discipline of working the Steps and applying the principles to our lives teach us how to be selfless in our service to others. What does it mean to be of service? Being of service is sacrificing our immediate needs and wants in order to serve a greater purpose. Every time I do this – without exception – I forget about myself and my petty, annoying, and peevish problems. One of the best, and probably hardest, ways to be of service is to go out of our way for others – with no expectation of acknowledgment or reward.  Maybe we even do it anonymously. But in recovery something happens – sometimes in spite of ourselves – and we lose interest in our selfish pursuits and gain interest in our fellows. We realize that the freedom of recovery lies in our commitment to service and that which is bigger than us. We are not saints, however, as they say; it often takes a long time to eliminate all of the cancer of self-centeredness. But we grow and our world expands as we join hands with those around us. We get to be a part of the community once again.

The post Promise #7: We Will Lose Interest in Selfish Things appeared first on Dan Griffin.

As Brené Brown has shown beautifully, you can’t teach vulnerability without being vulnerable. Not really. Not with integrity. It is so easy to be the teacher. To be the expert. Maintaining such a persona can be very safe. After all, I am a Senior Fellow at The Meadows. I am author of several books. Blah, blah, blah. That is all of the subterfuge the ego comes up with to keep us disconnected.

The truth is my life fell apart quickly right after I completed the workshop at The Meadows. The same one I just wrote about last week. It was amazing and powerful with amazing vulnerability from all. There was more, however, to the story.  What happened is at the core of my work and is absolutely a part of the larger conversation about men, relationships, and trauma.

As it was my first workshop at a place as special as The Meadows is to me I had some anxiety. Was I going to have an impact? Was I going to bring value to these people’s lives? I worked hard to do my own grounding and get support for those feelings of insecurity so I could be present. That said, it was there with me the whole weekend.

I was very focused on creating a safe and tight space for the attendees. I gave everything I had. They knew it, they felt it, and they appreciated it. I focused on my self-care every day with meditation, prayer, grounding exercises, and checking in with others. Nonetheless, I was exhausted. I had dipped deeply into my own vulnerability while honoring the fearless vulnerability of those in attendance. The workshop ended and I said goodbye to the participants thanking them for their trust and their amazing work.

Being exhausted I had nothing left for the two people who mean the most to me: my wife and my daughter. How often is that the case for men? So often we define our value by what we do and who we think we are, giving all of our energy to those endeavors. Without even meaning to we arrive home with an empty tank many times not even realizing it.

This time my wife and daughter had come with me for this trip because it was on a holiday weekend and I really don’t like giving up my weekends because of the toll that travel takes.

My number one message to the attendees: take care of yourselves and be very mindful of “aftershocks” from the work you did. I was paying attention to how I was doing and had I been alone and had time to decompress I would have been able to better transition. But I didn’t. And I was caught very off guard. It is amazing how quickly, when you’re dysregulated and your brain has been trained for anger and reactivity, it can happen. Seemingly out of nowhere but, of course, that is not true. There is a complex process taking place and the more we can slow it down and see it, the easier we can manage it and intervene when we need to. But when we have nothing left in the tank? The bottom line: I was spent and much more vulnerable and raw than I realized.

I wrote the following in my first book A Man’s Way through the Twelve Steps in a section I called “All is well.” The quote is from the chapter on Step Two which explores the idea of how we find faith and sense that, despite much of the seeming evidence to the contrary, everything is going to be alright:

Life sometimes feels as though it is falling apart for one very simple reason – because it is. In fact, life is constantly falling apart, and then offering us the opportunity to experience the full depth of what it means to be human. When you are settled with deep faith in the inherent goodness of the Universe, invite your life to fall apart. You will be okay. You will be okay because “All is well”……No matter how your outside life is arranged. No matter how crazy the world seems. No matter how much it seems as though the dark side has won. No matter how you feel. “All is well.” 

I hold that truth to be self-evident and that makes a huge difference when your brain is telling you otherwise. When that fight or flight reaction fires, that deep knowledge might just not be accessible because of how tenuous – at best – our connection is to the pre-frontal cortex, the keeper of knowledge. My brain has been programmed to fight for many, many years. Though that wiring is undoubtedly changing it is still there and can still be easily sparked.

There is no question that I acted hurtfully to two of the people I love the most. From a spiritual perspective there has already been a lot of positives to come out of that including me deepening my own work and seeing a therapist again. It also created an amazing space for a new conversation between the three of us for healing with new communication and boundaries.

I may never be the man I aspire to be but I am far from the man that I was. I always say that it is not about doing life perfectly, it is about doing our lives consciously. At the end of the day that is all that we can ask.

There are still spots available for the April 28-30 workshop at The Meadows. You can learn more about it HERE. 

The post Things Fall Apart: A Man’s Way Workshop – Part 2  appeared first on Dan Griffin.

There was one population, though, for whom I didn’t really get any specific instruction or support—men. At the time, I didn’t think too much about it; But, eventually, I started thinking about men and how we are and are not served by current service delivery systems.

After 7 years of presenting and training people, I am far from the only counselor who never got any instruction. In fact, it’s rare for me to meet anyone who got specialized training on men. Women? You bet. That’s because, as we all know, women are a special population. Men, however, are not because everything is already about men. All the norms have been set based on men. All the systems have been designed by men. Or so I have been told for years now. Men are the default. Plus, we all know, that men are not that complicated.

Right?

To me the question is ridiculous, and the answer is obvious. Of course men are much more complicated than we give them credit for, and our failure to recognize that has negative impact on how men are treated in various systems of treatment.

I will never forget the person who came to a Griffin Recovery Enterprises training several years ago who had to come without their supervisor’s approval. They had to take vacation time to be at our training on men and trauma. Why? Because in their supervisor’s words: “Trauma is not a big issue for men.”

While my work has become increasingly more accepted and sought after, there is still an overwhelming amount of opportunity to educate and raise awareness about men and the impact of trauma. And, I am far from the only one out there saying we need to do more for men. There are wonderful clinicians and academicians all over the country challenging service providers and even systems.

However, even with all of those efforts the vast majority of people graduating with any degree related to treatment services—from bachelors to Ph.D—.are still not being given any formal training on working with men as a special population. Most people graduating with LCPs, MSWs, MFTs, and PsyDs were never challenged to look deeply at how male socialization significantly impacts a man’s ability to engage in therapy and in relationships in general.

It seems crazy given how large of a population of men go through treatment each year that we have never really taken a hard look at treatment services for men. Is this really what men need? Is this really what is best for men? Add to that other addictive disorders, mental health treatment, and various forms of therapy and men are a huge percentage of those taking advantage of services. Yet nobody seems to ask a very simple question: Have the services really been designed for men?

I will be delivering a keynote on March 21st at Torrance Memorial Hospital entitled: It’s Us, Not Them. The premise is simple yet profound: the problem engaging men in addiction and mental health treatment has much less to do with their ability or willingness to engage in services, and nearly everything to do with the services themselves.

We have spent years questioning, challenging, and even blaming men; but, we have not questioned, challenged, or even blamed the services themselves! The dominant belief still is that men don’t want help and are therapy-averse. I am far from convinced of that. I believe that if we don’t take a hard look at the services we provide and become aware of the biases driving them, we will never know what men respond to the best, or what kinds of transformations are really possible.

This past weekend I led my first A Man’s Way workshop for professionals at the Rio Retreat Center at The Meadows. It was an amazing experience. Nine people (6 men and 3 women), with anywhere from 3 to 30+ years of experience in therapeutic services, showed up without being really sure about what was going to happen. It was part experiential and part instructive.

What has become clear to me over the years is that our ideas about men deeply affect how well we are able to engage with men clinically and relationally. I have worked hard to develop models for helping people see the biases they had no idea they even had. I built the three-day, A Man’s Way workshop around those models. We look at The Man Rules and how those fairly obvious constructs run deep into the psyche of most boys and men and profoundly impact our experiences of trauma, sex and sexuality, relationships, and spirituality.

Inevitably we get to look at our own trauma and shame and how they have influenced how we work with and relate to men. It is powerful work. The greatest complement to our collective efforts is that we all talked about seeing clear opportunities to do more work and get additional therapy. Yes, me too!

If you are interested, I will be leading another A Man’s Way workshop for behavioral health professionals April 28-30. There are still some spots available. It is an honor to be able to work with The Meadows in developing this workshop who has created a really great deal—one third off the usual price— in an effort to show its support for this one-of-a-kind opportunity. You can’t find this program anywhere else in the country!

You can find out how to register HERE.

The post A Man’s Way Workshop appeared first on Dan Griffin.

It doesn’t mean it is always boring, not by any stretch of the imagination. But, when you settle into a loving and committed relationship, you simply have to let go of the idea that love should always be exciting. Or that it should always feel good. Or you should always be having sex. OR—and perhaps this is the most important point—that our feelings alone should ever dictate our experience of love.

I was talking to a friend about his experiences with love. What was clear from our conversation was that he had an idea that many of us have been inculcated with since the day we were born: Love is supposed to be exciting. Always.

That is what countless movies and television shows have told us. In fact, the majority of those shows end with the excitement still going strong. Most of the screen time is spent on the guy (usually) chasing the girl (usually). The assumption is that the happiness and the excitement will continue perpetually. The ever sought after, and implicitly promised, happy ending (no, not that happy ending…okay maybe that one too) will happen. All you have to do is find the person and win their love.  

And there you have it: our culture’s idea about love that we have been drowning in for decades. But it is so much more complicated than that. 

The struggle that many men have just to be able to stay in a relationship can be significant. I have watched man after man struggle to accept love into his life, sometimes under the guise of thinking there is someone better out there for him. Or, sometimes by picking their partner apart looking for all the ways in which they do not necessarily fit that Hollywood ideal.

Finding yourself and being able to commit to another human being can be quite an emotional journey for many men. And that is only one part of the journey. Then comes a deeper level of commitment like engagement or marriage (if they want that), and having a family. Or however they want to express their deeper love and commitment to someone. All of those are additional steps in this crazy dance called love—steps that bring with them their own emotional impact and their own barriers to overcome. When you have been trained for most of your life to devalue relationships – whether in subtle or no so subtle ways – and to not practice much of what it takes to be in a relationship, of course they’re going to be difficult.

That was why my friend was having a hard time as his relationship inevitably began its plateau. There doesn’t have to be drama. He certainly doesn’t have to create drama, though his brain doesn’t seem to understand that. So, he spends a lot of time wondering if his partner is the right one. Maybe there is someone better. He imagines other people. Or just breaking up and sleeping around. Each time he does that he puts a quarter in the drama machine to keep it going. All of these have one major effect: keeping him from being present in his relationship and experiencing the beauty and pain of intimacy.

In truth, saying that love is boring is nothing more than saying you have found a love that actually has a chance of lasting. You have a relationship that is stable. A love that is strong. So here is to boring love.

The post Love is Boring appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Has it ever felt to you like you were following some set of unwritten rules on how to be a man? Men can do this but can’t do that. These are the Man Rules I refer to throughout my new book, A Man’s Way through Relationships: Learning to Love and Be Loved and discuss at length in Chapter 1. They are unwritten yet very real, and they guide our lives from an early age, telling us how to be boys and men. We follow these Rules to let the world know that we are “real” boys and “real” men. When we don’t follow them we run the risk of being viewed by others and viewing ourselves as being less than real boys or men. Where did the Rules come from? The answer is that they come from many different sources, some personal and some societal. The Rules come from both of our parents and other caregivers, from other family members, from coaches and teachers, from the kids on the playground, and from the media based on the images of “real” men presented on television, in movies, and in print and broadcast advertising. Adolescence can be a particularly brutal period of indoctrination to the Man Rules.

There is a story of two fish swimming in the ocean when a third fish swims up to them and says, “Hello, gents. How’s the water?” and he swims away. The two fish look at each other and say, “What the hell is water?” In this way, the Water becomes a metaphor for those built-in aspects of our experience we take for granted to such an extent that we don’t even notice them. That is how the Man Rules show up in so many of our lives. We have no awareness of them; we do not see them because we are so used to them being there as a natural part of our experience. We react to them as if they are the only version of reality—the one truth. However, they have been created by other men and women and passed on for years, decades, and centuries – even millenia.

It starts as soon as we are born – research shows that we hold baby boys less, sooth them less, and give them less space to express their emotions. That can be likened to putting a baby in a dixie-cup and pouring water over his head. As the process continues we don’t stop pouring water – we simply change the receptacle – from the little cup to a small fish bowl and then a large aquarium. By the time we are adolescents we have been thrown into a local pond. And then a lake. Until we are adults and are basically fish swimming in the ocean without any idea of the water.

The truth is most of us were never given a choice about the Rules or what kind of men we wanted to be. Nobody sat us down, reviewed the Rules with us, and asked us which ones we wanted to follow and which ones didn’t fit for us. Our fathers didn’t tell us about how the way they were living by the Rules was killing them – sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. Many men simply don’t realize that they have a choice.  In all likelihood we became immersed in The Man Rules early in our lives when we were incapable of thinking about them critically. We never had the opportunity to consider whether the Rules made sense for who we were and who we wanted to become.

But the truth is we do have a choice – we always have.  We get to decide how we want the Rules to fit into our lives. The Rules are not bad – they simply limit us and our lives when we do not wear them  as a loose garment. Which are the ones that fit for me? Which don’t fit for me? That is what my work – both professional and personal – has been: figuring out how to not let the Rules, rule me. That is why I wrote A  Man’s Way through Relationships: Learning to Love and Be Loved. I hope you find what fits for you and live into that to be the best man that you can be.

The post The Man Rules & The Water appeared first on Dan Griffin.

The road to misery begins in the self. The discipline of working the Steps and applying the principles to our lives teach us how to be selfless in our service to others. What does it mean to be of service? Being of service is sacrificing our immediate needs and wants in order to serve a greater purpose. Every time I do this – without exception – I forget about myself and my petty, annoying, and peevish problems. One of the best, and probably hardest, ways to be of service is to go out of our way for others – with no expectation of acknowledgment or reward.  Maybe we even do it anonymously. But in recovery something happens – sometimes in spite of ourselves – and we lose interest in our selfish pursuits and gain interest in our fellows. We realize that the freedom of recovery lies in our commitment to service and that which is bigger than us. We are not saints, however, as they say; it often takes a long time to eliminate all of the cancer of self-centeredness. But we grow and our world expands as we join hands with those around us. We get to be a part of the community once again.

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I have been writing a four-part series of blogs for Addiction Professional Magazine focusing on male trauma. I am pleased to share it with you.

Below is an excerpt of the first article as well as the link for the full article.

I was 12 years into my own personal recovery from alcohol and other drug addiction when someone finally helped to put all of the pieces together of why recovery, up until that time, had felt like such a struggle. I had improved my diet significantly, added regular exercise and a discipline of meditation, increased attention to my personal recovery discipline, and experienced much better sleep. Now, most people didn’t know it was a struggle—including me. It was simply my reality, but I knew that it didn’t have to be as hard as it was at the time.

You can read the rest of the article: Here

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I can’t go a year without watching It’s A Wonderful Life. Just the right touch of darkness with a powerful and indistinguishable glowing light to always carry us through. In many ways it is the perfect recovery movie. My heart goes out to those who are experiencing their first holiday in recovery. I know the families may be breathing a sigh of relief to have your loved one back. But for the person newly in recovery this time of the year can be tough. For some, really tough. What they need the most is some idea that everything will get better. And, that they deserve to have that – no mattter what they have done they have not surrendered their opportunity to be part of the community.

Every year, I take some time to reflect on my first holiday season in recovery. I was young, my father had relapsed with late stage alcoholism, and I was scared of life. I had no real idea of how to live as an adult. I was incredibly immature, riddled with insecurity, and full of anger. I was lost. But I had a resource I had never had before and, quite frankly, a resource I could not have imagined actually existing. A place where people came together for one hour and took the risk to tell the truth as best they could to one another. So incredibly simple, yet so incredibly hard. I was wrapped in the security of people who told me: “It will get better.” For some reason I cannot really take credit for, I believed them. Probably because like so many of the lost souls who wander into those rooms, I had a deep desire for life to be good – we just have no idea how to go about it or how much we are in the way of it happening. In my heart of hearts I really wanted life to be wonderful!

Fast forward and twenty-one years later a lot has changed. In many ways, I have the life I could not have even dreamt of when I first got into recovery: beautiful family, published author, beautiful home, true friends, a sense of purpose, an ever-increasing sense of who I am and an ever-increasing sense of inner peace. I still have that God-sized hole we all talk about in the rooms. I still experience loneliness. I still question myself and decisions I make sometimes. I still feel the tug of other people’s wants and need versus my own. But my life is a gift of Grace and I know that in the core of my being. You can always find something to complain about and you can always find something for which to be grateful – which of the wolves are you going to feed? Which of the wolves am I going to feed? My life is a gift and I am blessed beyond all merit.

It has taken a lot of work to get me where I am. Work that I absolutely never could have done on my own. I have to laugh at the people who think they have really done anything on their own. It simply is not possible. We are so immersed in the web of connection that we very often do not even see it. But the person, who alone, takes credit for their recovery? Beware. Left to my own devices and on my own I would not have near the life I do and more than likely would not be sober or even alive. The sacred gift of the “We” has always been my lifeline no matter how reluctant I may be to use it at any given time. That is the core message of It’s A Wonderful Life: No man is a failure who has friends. Said differently: no man can fail when he is immersed in the “we” of Life.

The acting in It’s a Wonderful Life is far from perfect. It often slips into melodrama with a thick heavy Christian accent and a dash of racist caricatures. But it was the 1940s a very different time from today. The message is solid because it is a very human message. The story transcends the movie’s limitations. George Bailey’s life was far from the life that he expected or even worked hard to create for himself. Twice, as he was getting ready to dive into his destiny as an explorer of faraway lands, Life intervened and pulled him back. The man couldn’t catch a break. He so often gave up his dreams to help others and be of service to the larger community. Some might label him codependent or even worse, a fool. And finally, when he was getting ready to dive off a bridge in a suicidal explosion of the built-up resentment, jealousy, and deep disappointment that had been accumulating for years, Life intervened again. I have heard that same story told by a thousand different strangers a thousand different ways over the years: “…..And then God/Life/The Great Spirit/Higher Consciousness  intervened.”  And then the miracle occurred.

When I first began my recovery journey I didn’t know, let alone believe, that it was a wonderful life. I knew I wasn’t ready to die and I was tired of feeling so alone and lost. The challenge is that addiction is such a black-hole of self-centeredness that it is hard for us to feel any sense of connection to the “We” when we are first coming out of the morass. It is a leap of faith for so many of us.Others, who had also stood at the precipice told me it was a wonderful life. They shared their experience of hopelessness transformed into hope; selfishness and self-centeredness transformed into service; and, pride and insecurity transformed into wisdom and humility. These are the people who helped me build a life brick by brick. They kept telling me over and over again to trust the process and believe that it not only could get better but it would better. And it has. So so much better.

And so I proclaim the same words today to and for others that were sung to me by the choir of angels that God put into my life all of those years ago:  

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. 

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive it to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. 

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.**

**The Desiderata by Max Ehrmann

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The hallmark of Twelve-Step recovery is sharing our experience, strength, and hope. This, of course, implies that you have something worth sharing. Regardless of how I acted and how much people complimented me on my talent and skills, I often felt as though I had little to nothing to offer. So, when I found myself at six months sober sitting with Gene, another newcomer, telling him my story I had to quiet the voice inside of me that was constantly diminishing me. Telling me I did not belong and never would. Telling me that I had nothing to offer. I decided to take a risk and open up to him because he was newly sober and he looked lost. Underneath the scowl and the sarcasm, he looked lost.

Gene stood out like a sore thumb in the small Virginia town. He was even younger than I, who until then was the youngest in the club – by far – at the age of 21. He had bleached-blond hair cut in a flat-top style, wore gold chains, listened to gangsta rap, and was from up north (read: A Yankee). The blue-haired teetotalers might as well have been talking to an alien. And then he had the nerve to refer to himself as “cross-addicted” because he had also used pills. But he was still just another suffering addict in need of love and compassion. Despite the fear, I reached out my hand. We began to talk and he opened up as if he had been getting ready to burst for some time.

Later that week I drove him back to his mother and step-father’s home after going out to the local diner with some of our “sober crew” after the meeting. I told him my experience up to that point and how I had gotten into the program. I had no idea what I was doing but I had been told that all I had to do was tell him what it was like for me. Surprisingly, when we were done talking and I was leaving Gene thanked me. I can still remember the visceral reaction of confusion as to why he was thanking me. I had just spent the last two hours thinking of someone other than myself. And, he had listened to me. I should have been thanking him! As I drove away I realized there was value to my story – I had something real to offer another suffering human being. And, it felt good. That is the gift we are given when we take the risk and reach out to another man who is drowning. I have since shared my story – my heart and soul – with many others and it is always the same: they thank me and I thank them for helping me to stay sober one more day. I get far more than I give. Only God could make a business model like that work!

The post Promise #5: We Will See How Our Experience Can Benefit Others appeared first on Dan Griffin.

It seems that the longer I am on this journey toward my authentic self and being the best man I can be the more in touch I become with the degree to which shame has informed my identity and the man I have been up until this point. No longer is it hidden by my arrogance, anger, or humor. It is there in my awareness and I get to sit in the discomfort of it. But with a solution. Finally.

The best definition of shame I have heard is this: Shame says you didn’t make a mistake; rather, you are a mistake. When the men I know are gut-wrenchingly honest with themselves, they begin to realize the degree to which shame has impacted their lives. Letting go of shame requires us to acknowledge all of the beliefs that have to do with feeling “less than” or feeling as though we don’t belong. Letting go of shame requires us to expose some of our deepest and most fundamental wounds―wounds that are so rooted that they have become part of our psyche. Luke talked about it this way: “I carried shameful and painful secrets about what I did and what happened to me in the past, and I wasn’t going to ever tell anyone about them. Revealing those secrets and that shame in recovery has had a powerful impact on my healing.”

The question deep inside so many men is: Am I man enough? How do I rectify all of the stuff happening to me internally with who I am supposed to project to the outside world? If so much of my internal life does not jibe with the Man Rules, what does that mean about me and my value as a man?

What is the solution? I heard very early in my own process of healing that there is no way out but through. We get through by sharing our truth, a little at a time, in safe places with others that we trust. We get through when we stop and stand still in the pain, letting go of our defenses and simply listening to the messages we tell ourselves – the good, the bad, and the ugly. We get through when we embrace vulnerability not as a last recourse or a tool we reluctantly pick up when we are in pain or feel backed into a corner but rather when we see it as a way of being in our relationships when it will foster connection, love, and compassion. You want to take the warrior’s journey? Try being vulnerable at least once every day in a situation where you don’t want to be. For one week. Try it and see what happens. You will never be the same man again. And that may very well be a very good thing.

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Dear Reader – In the past months I have been busy working on two my latest books and as a result I neglected to keep up with my blog. Thanks for your interest and for reading!

I was seven years old standing in the basement telling my father I wished I had never been born. What can be going on in a child’s life that these words would come out of his mouth at such a young age? While it took me many more years to name it, growing up in a home affected by alcoholism and abuse takes an immense toll on a child. And so I found myself having lost touch with any sense of serenity and peace. I learned quickly how to hide the pain and despair with a smile.

You can learn how to feel safe enough to give voice to the pain you carry with you. When I have no internal peace it is too easy to project my inner chaos onto the world around me. Peace comes from the inside. A lot of us have likely spent much of our lives dealing with – or not dealing with – conflict and anger. Some of it internal and some of it external. You can learn how, after years of being controlled by your anger, to make it work for you. When you do this, the outside world changes as if it has been magically repainted by an invisible artist’s hand. Suddenly the world that seemed so hostile and scary is a place of wonder and awe.

When we accept ourselves, others, and the world around us as they are, we will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. When we see ourselves for who we are not for what we have done or what we do, we will know peace. When we stop fighting everything and everyone we will know peace. When we surrender to the mystery of life and live each moment to its fullest we will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

This promise says “comprehend” and “know” – it does not say that we will always be serene and peaceful. It simply says that we will, once again, know what it feels like to be at peace with this world and we will learn that it is our decision as to whether the world ever becomes a hostile and scary place again.

The post Promise #4: We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace appeared first on Dan Griffin.

What man does not want to make peace with his past?

How many of us enter recovery with a deep feeling of shame for how we have lived?

How many of us are confused about what we have done and what that might mean about who we are?

In recovery, you have the incredible opportunity to connect with men through the sharing of your past experiences. This Promise tells us we should not want to shut the door on the past. When we embrace our past and learn how to see it in a new way it opens new doors for the future.

You may have heard the saying, “Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it.” That is one of the main reasons we are told to remember our last time using. This Promise tells us we can face our past, not live in shame about it, and not runaway from or deny it. Our past does not have to define us, who we are, or how we live our lives. We see this Promise come alive every time the haggard newcomer whose soul has been ripped apart stands up with his hand out welcoming another. We see this Promise come alive every time someone from the recovery community tells his story with his head held high.

There is the time-tested saying that we “are as sick as our secrets.” The secrets we carry around with us that weigh us down. The same secrets that we promised we would take with us to our grave. Maybe we can be free, truly free, from the chains of the past that haunt us.

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Over and over again in my recovery meetings I hear men talk about how much they do not like asking for help. We keep waiting for the time when we can handle all of it on our own. We would much rather not look weak or like we cannot handle something. So, secretly most of us sit waiting for the time when we can take over again and not have to rely on anyone or anything, especially that “God” nonsense. But really anyone. Because we all know that real men don’t ask for help. Does that sound familiar?

How do you feel when you ask for help? I don’t like it. Despite the numerous times I have done it and the numerous resources I have used throughout my life, I still do not like it. I especially do not like it when asking for help seems to imply that the person I’m asking knows more than I do or that I am wrong or am not competent. Of course, I am wrong all the time and there are myriad things I cannot do. It is not really about that. It is an emotional response and is connected to the shame I still carry about looking or feeling weak or unmanly. Like the vast majority of men, I have a certain block when it comes to seeking support, and a default mode that basically says, “Be a man and fix it yourself. Little boys need help. Real men . . . blah, blah, blah.”

Think of all of the sources of potential support available in our relationships. Then think about how often you access that support. Think about what gets in the way of accessing it. Despite the fact that I have been living an examined life for many years and have acclimated myself to the idea of mutual support, as I stated above, I still really don’t like asking for or getting support. Giving support? Sure. I’ll support any man or woman. I love to have the answers and be the expert. I’ll admire the hell out of a man for reaching out and showing the humility it takes to ask for help. It may even lead me to seek support myself. But making that a regular practice in my life has proven to be quite challenging.

How do you do with asking for help?

What is the hardest part for you?

How has it improved for you?

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