Welp. Here we are. The final episode of The Man Rules podcast. Dan and Andrea (the show’s producer) take the opportunity to reminisce, reflect, and ruminate on what might be next…

Sometimes, abundance comes from letting go. You’ve gotta make room to receive whatever gifts may be coming your way. Thank you for making room for The Man Rules podcast. We hope your time with is was only the beginning of your journey toward freedom and personal fulfillment.

The post That’s All Folks. appeared first on Dan Griffin.

There’s no tenure for manhood. The false promise of The Man Rules is that if you follow them closely enough, for long enough, you will soon rest easy in your identity as a man. But, the truth is, a man’s status as a man will have to constantly renewed-daily. Sometimes hourly! Think of all the opportunities he has throughout the day to mess up and have his man card revoked! (Men: For help with this exercise, see the list of The Man Rules, and ask yourself how many you’ve followed and how many you’ve broken today.) In this episode, based on the final chapter in Dan and Allen’s forthcoming book, we talk about one of the most frequent opportunities men have to feel emasculated–when someone asks them a question for which they do not have an answer.

Women: Dan and Allen help you understand why your man seems to cling so stubbornly to giving advice and solving all your problems for you when you really just want him to listen. Men: Dan and Allen will help you recognize whether you’re suffering from working so hard to avoid the discomfort of not knowing, the constant need to prove how much you know, and idea that you should not have to work to know the answers–you should be born knowing, if you are a real man. Dan and Allen don’t have all the answers, but they do have their own experiences in learning to let go of the need to know, and they share those with you in order to help you improve your relationships.

The post What Men Would Tell You… About Having All The Answers appeared first on Dan Griffin.

All stories we relate to are based either on our wishes or on our fears. Sometimes–or maybe even often–both. That’s what makes this week’s episode with friend of the show Rick Belden such a powerful one. Rick leads Dan through a fascinating discussion about the ways in which we internalize our favorite childhood stories to develop personal mythologies and use them to guide the ways we show up in the world. Though it may seem a little silly to you at first, if you try the exercise Dan and Rick go through on the show, we think you’ll be surprised by how much personal insight you’ll gain by revisiting your childhood heroes.

If you feel like sharing, we’d love to hear who your mythological figure was as child, and what they meant to you. (Note: Real people can serve as mythological characters. Basketball legend Michael Jordan, for example, is a real person, but also a myth to the many kids who grew up admiring him.) Please let us know on Facebook or in the blog comments.

The post Childhood Heroes and Personal Mythologies appeared first on Dan Griffin.

]]> https://dangriffin.com/coping-with-changing-gender-expectations/ Wed, 09 Oct 2019 21:06:43 +0000 https://dangriffin.com/?p=8320 This week, friend of the show Dr. Michael Levittan is back to help us sort through the many changes in our expectations of men and women over the years, and how psychology and psychotherapy have played a role in helping...

The post Coping with Changing Gender Expectations appeared first on Dan Griffin.

]]>

The post Coping with Changing Gender Expectations appeared first on Dan Griffin.

After more than two years of operation, we have made the difficult decision to end production of The Man Rules podcast. So, this week Dan’s solo episode–his last solo episode–is about what it means to embrace change.

One thing we know for sure is that change is constant. It’s not good or bad. The amount of control you have over what changes and what doesn’t is very limited. (Some folks even believe that in most cases, you have no control at all.) So, what do you do with that? Short answer: You roll with it.

The more you can embrace change, and look for what it might be trying to teach you, the more your life will flow freely. We are grateful to all of you who have surfed the waves of change with us over the years and will continue on your own journeys. We wish you all the best.

The post All Good Things Must Come to An End appeared first on Dan Griffin.

The post How to Stay Sober AF appeared first on Dan Griffin.

The post What Men Would Tell You… About Winning appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Dr. Lou Cox has studied the ego for decades. He joins Dan to talk about his work and his new book, Ego: The Ghost in Your Machinery. Specifically, he and Dan talk about the male ego and how men thrive and suffer as a result of their dances with the ego. Cox talks about two essential needs every human being has: the need to be accepted and the need to be true to who we are, our own unique self-expression. These two needs can be in conflict with each other which creates confusion and feelings of disconnection. These needs are pure when we are children but they gradually, and seemingly inevitably, get corrupted by our conditioning from our parents and society. The ego is this complex combination of all the ways that someone tries to meet those needs and be safe.

Ultimately, Cox says, while we cannot overcome the ego we can step aside from it and move toward our native, and more authentic and vulnerable, self. At the end of the day it comes down to a person being willing to realize that they have unconscious parts of themselves that can run the show without them realizing it. The more awareness the more you can see those parts and make different decisions about who and how you want to be.

The post Leggo my Ego appeared first on Dan Griffin.

This week, Dan’s back with an update on our makeshift pledge drive. We hear from Noah, a longtime listener who has pledged his support, and Dan makes a case for you all to be like Noah. (If you can.)

Would you be willing to offer a small monthly donation to keep the podcast running? (Say, around $5 or $10 a month?) If so, send an email to [email protected] and let us know you’re interested. If enough folks say “yes” we’ll go through the process of setting up an official donation channel…

The post Support the Podcast appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Chances are, you’ve had several relationships throughout your life. Some are ongoing (friends, family, etc.) Some ended. (boyfriends/girlfriends, spouses, lovers.) Some maybe even ended badly. If you reflect on the relationships that ended badly, and on the times in your ongoing relationships where things weren’t going so well, do you notice any patterns in your behavior and reactions? If so, you are likely starting to uncover your attachment style.

In this episode, Dr. Ron Frederick, psychologist and author of  Loving Like You Mean It breaks down the four basic attachment styles, explains where they come from (childhood, of course), and how to use emotional mindfulness to build stronger, healthier and happier relationships. He also offers up a simple, four-step approach to help you break free from old habits, befriend your emotional experience, and develop new ways of relating.

The post Loving Like You Mean It appeared first on Dan Griffin.

When we think about addiction and recovery, we tend to think specifically about drugs–both recreational and prescription– including alcohol. But, some people struggle with other substances and behaviors that we don’t often talk about when we talk about addiction–things like compulsive shopping/spending, work addiction, video game addiction, porn addiction, and compulsive overeating, to name a few.

In this episode, Andrea (producer extraordinaire of our podcast) talks vulnerably with Dan about her own struggles with an addiction to sugar and other disordered eating behaviors. She discusses the ups and downs of recovery from an issue that many don’t understand and yet is an epidemic in this country.

The post Sugar Addiction and Compulsive Overeating appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Is love a feeling or an action? Is it a choice we make, or is the result of a magical bond with another person that is impossible to explain? Do you decide to be a loving person, or are you just born that way?

If you’ve listened to this podcast before, you’ve probably guessed that the answer is “both/and.” Psychiatrist Michael McGee joins Dan this week to talk about love as both a practice and a guiding principle. And, this is not mere navel-gazing, people. Dr. McGee breaks it down into a series of practical steps to being more connected, more purpose-driven, and more fulfilled by building a more loving presence.

The post What is Love? appeared first on Dan Griffin.

“If it’s true that men want sex 24/7, what does it mean if he won’t have sex with me?”

“Why won’t he engage in foreplay before sex or cuddling after? There’s no affection or intimacy.”

“Why is sex only about what he wants? Doesn’t what I want matter?”

If you’re a woman who has asked yourself these questions about your man, you are certainly not alone. Why are these issues so common in relationships? And what can be done about it?

This week, Allen Berger is back to help Dan shed some light on the thing that often prevents men from experiencing real intimacy through sex–fear. Specifically, the fear of violating the man rule pertaining to sex, which frankly might also be called “the porn rule” because so much porn reinforces a very narrow perspective on what men should want, how they should behave, and how they should approach sex in general–but, we digress.

Listen for a very candid discussion of the fears and false beliefs that likely limit your man’s expression of his sexuality and find out how to work alongside him in overcoming them.

The post What Men Would Tell You…About Sex appeared first on Dan Griffin.

The post Doing The Work with Byron Katie appeared first on Dan Griffin.

In this episode, Dan gives a short talk on what it might mean for men if we all started having more earnest conversations about sex, reflecting on what we want from it, what we need from it, and what it means to us personally. How can we move beyond some of the unhealthy and unrealistic expectations The Water sets up for us, and define our own sexuality

The post Let’s Talk About Sex appeared first on Dan Griffin.

When we become fathers, so many of our choices are reactions to how our fathers raised us. We often either fall in line with his expectations, or rebel against them. Either way, we aren’t really making our own choices, based on who we most want to be.

In this episode, Dan and Allen offer up some exercises you can do to begin to separate your own needs and desires from your father’s. It’s the first step toward developing more conscious fatherhood, and more conscious masculinity

Workshop: What Men Would Tell You If They Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV 

Women who want to a deeper dive into “What Men Would Tell You…” can spend time with Dan and Allen at the Bridge to Recovery (Bowling Green, Kentucky) in September during a 4-day workshop. Space is limited, so register today!

The post What Men Would Tell You… About Their Fathers appeared first on Dan Griffin.

In honor of both Father’s Month and Pride Month, we’re replaying this episode from 2018, featuring the late Tim Clausen.

Tim interviewed more than 80 men for his book Not the Son He Expected: Gay Men Talk Candidly About Their Relationship with Their Father. The book, and Tim’s interview here on the podcast, are helpful and encouraging resources for gay sons, their fathers, and for all those who love and care about them.

Tim’s own personal stories about his relationship with his father, and his relationship with his own son, serve as great examples of how to live with emotional courage while navigating the powerful, and sometimes troubling, relationships between fathers and sons.

The post Gay Men and Their Fathers appeared first on Dan Griffin.

It’s not easy being a dad–at least not all the time. There were no manuals. No instruction. No classes. Not really. And so, as Dan says all the time, we do it imperfectly. We try to parent consciously, but we fail. A lot. What if, as a lot of the modern-day gurus attest, that feeling wasn’t a bad thing? What if it was part and parcel of success?  What if we could celebrate our failures? This week, Dan talks about what it’s like to fail sometimes at being a father and the challenges of accepting that failure and forgiving himself. And, the challenge of being truly willing to truly be okay with doing things imperfectly.

The post Fathers Failing Forward appeared first on Dan Griffin.

When you have sex (or masturbate) do you have a goal in mind? Do you approach each sexual encounter with an unconscious strategy toward the endgame? (C’MON OF COURSE YOU DO.) Cam Fraser, a certified sexologist, Yoga teacher, and pioneer of conscious sexuality, is here to explain that by taking a goal-oriented approach to sex, you might be selling yourself, and/or your partner short.

Cam posits that all of our experiences are based in three relationships: our relationship with ourselves, our relationship with our deeper consciousness, and our relationship to our environment and other people. In this episode, he offers tips for deepening our relationship in all three areas, through the practice of giving and receiving pleasure, while expanding the focus of sex beyond orgasm and ejaculation.

The post Doing It, Consciously appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Being “cool” is ultimately about fitting in. And, unfortunately, one of the requirements of fitting in for most men–whether their definition of “cool” leans more toward the Jock table or the Dungeons ‘n Dragons table–is pretending that you have no need for emotional connection. In fact, you have no need for emotions at all.

Do we even need to point out that this can seriously complicate relationships?

In this episode, Dan and Allen Berger explain what women need to know about the ways in which “The Cool Rule” affects their man and their relationship with him. As a caring partner, how can women help the men in their lives finally chip away the ice, and live as the man he is, rather than as the man he thinks everyone wants him to be?

The post What Men Would Tell You…About Being Cool appeared first on Dan Griffin.

It was a true honor to have Claudia Black, a pioneer in the study of the impact alcoholism has on families, join us on The Man Rules podcast. Claudia has dedicated her life to looking at the impact of trauma on family systems and the generational impact of alcoholism and other addictions.

In this week’s episode, Dan and Claudia talk about what makes shame and trauma are so powerful and how to better recognize their impact. Claudia breaks down exactly what trauma is and provides some practical resources to help listeners deal with the effects of “little t” trauma. To learn more, check out her latest book, “Unspoken Legacy.”

The post The Unspoken Legacy of Emotional Trauma appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Everyone told you being a Dad would be hard, right? Many probably even said, “Nothing can prepare you…” And, man, they were so right. There’s nothing we can tell you to make the transition to being a new Dad a smooth and easy one, but we can help you figure out how to be more involved, more present, and more engaged as a parent and a partner. That’s what we’re aiming to do in this series of Daddy Downloads based on Dan’s forthcoming book about fatherhood.

In this episode, Dan explains why it’s important for each Dad to know his story. Your story includes elements of who you’ve been, who you are now, and who you want to be as a father. How did your father shape your ideas about what it means to be a Dad? Which of his examples do you want to take with you as you build your own story, and which would you rather leave behind? Giving some thought to these questions will allow you to consciously choose how you show up day-to-day in your child’s life, rather than simply acting out a script written for you by our culture and your past.  

The post Daddy Download: Awesome Dads Know Their Story appeared first on Dan Griffin.

What is sex for?

Have you ever asked yourself that question? You may think, “procreation, of course” but that doesn’t explain why people who don’t want kids have sex. If you say, “fun and pleasure,” that doesn’t explain why, for the most part, we still seek out sex with other humans–even in an era where we can access porn within seconds, have sex toys discretely delivered to our doorsteps in two days or less, and maybe even order ourselves a sex robot, if all we really need are no-fuss orgasms.

The only explanation left, is that sex allows us to feel a certain type of connection and intimacy with another human being, that is difficult to achieve in any other way. In this episode, Alexandra Katehakis of The Center for Healthy Sex is back to talk to Dan about sex and intimacy, and how men can begin to identify what they really want and need from a sexual partner, which is often hidden–even from themselves–by The Man Rules, which tell them what they should want.

The post What is Sex For? appeared first on Dan Griffin.

As a kid, you probably wanted to be cool. And if you were a boy, being cool meant being tough. Being tough meant being able to fight and win. If you weren’t tough, you immediately felt inadequate. You weren’t going to be able to protect yourself, you weren’t going to be able to protect anyone else, and women were not going to be attracted to you.

But, as with every Man Rule, there’s a positive side. The Fight Rule and The Protector Rule are closely related. Often the fight can inspire men to protect and defend the people, institutions, and values that we hold dear.

In this episode, Allen and Dan talk about their conflicting feelings of fear, shame, and pride in their own personal histories with fighting.

The post What Men Would Tell You… About Fighting appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Money. Everybody wants it; nobody wants to talk about it.

Except Dan, of course, and his friend and financial advisor Marty McAlpin. In this episode, they give an overview of various money disorders and help us increase our financial vocabulary.

In addition to helping us understand the difference between a will and living trust, Marty brings to light the shame many of us have around money, the behaviors that result from that shame, and the impact those behaviors can have on our lives and relationships. If you’ve been wanting to tackle your finances but weren’t sure where to start, listen up and follow Marty’s road map.

The post Money Matters: Talking Finance with Marty McAlpin appeared first on Dan Griffin.

If you’re a man, chances are, at some point when you were a boy, a man in your family made a conscious effort to teach you how to properly throw a punch. That was a skill you would need as you grew into manhood and it was just an unquestionable fact. Boys fight. Men fight. The manliest men fight well enough to win.

Dan talks today about The Man Rule that tells men they must fight–for survival, for respect, and sometimes just for the hell of it–and how that affects their self-perception and their relationships. What does it mean for men to be raised in a way that both implicitly and explicitly tells them that violence and asserting dominance is the “right” way for a man to solve a conflict?

And, in what ways can the desire to fight actually be a positive thing?

Listen to Dan’s thoughts, and then let us know what you think in the comments below. (Or, on Facebook.)

The post Why Men Fight appeared first on Dan Griffin.

The rules have changed for being a Dad. There’s a lot of pressure these days for men to be more emotionally involved in parenting than their Dads were. But without role models, guidance and support for making these radical changes, what’s a Dad to do?

That’s why Dan is writing a book with a working title of Awesome Dads. He’s interviewed more than 30 Dads in all stages of parenthood and collected their best tips and advice. In this new podcast series, Dan will focus on one of the new rules for Dads each month, giving you a little bit of the guidance and encouragement you need to be as awesome a Dad as you can be.

In this, the first episode of the series, Dan explains the intent of his new book and reads an excerpt.

The post Daddy Download: The New Rules for Dads appeared first on Dan Griffin.

One of  the most frequently mentioned Man Rules is “don’t be weak.” As a result, many men end up feeling ashamed when they become ill or injured. “Don’t be weak” may also be at the heart of a man’s resistance to acknowledging his, and everyone’s, ultimate weakness–that they are mortal.

Rick Belden is back on this week’s show to talk with Dan about facing unexpected major illnesses, and reckoning with the inevitable–and often unpredictable–end of life.

We know—This episode sounds like a total drag. Why would anyone want to spend 45 minutes of their already too-short lives listening to two guys talk about death? Well…

Because it’s something we all have to make peace with at one time or another, and it’s hard to make peace with anything you aren’t comfortable talking about. We hope this conversation might open doors to your own conversations with your friends and loved ones about the ultimate end, and how you can all support one another in the precious meantime.  

The post Men and Mortality appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Once a month, Dan and Dr. Allen Berger sit down to talk about a chapter from their forthcoming book, What Men Would Tell You…If We Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV. The title of the book is meant to be humorous, but it speaks to the real frustration that many women experience in their (heterosexual) relationships. The book breaks down each of The Man Rules in an effort to help women understand the roots of men’s sometimes baffling responses to intimacy, commitment, and vulnerability.

This week, Dan and Allen explore The Protector Rule, and how it can bring out both the best and the worst in a man. The protector rule is often what drives a man to protect the family and the community he cares deeply about it. But, it also drives some men to justify cruel behavior toward their partners with the assumption that “it’s for her own good.”  Dan and Allen help both men and women recognize how The Protector Rule is at play in their relationship in both negative and positive ways.

The post What Men Would Tell You… About Being a Protector appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Once  Tidying up with Marie Kondo hit Netflix this past January, it seemed like everyone was suddenly talking about the real impact of household upkeep on our minds, bodies, and spirits. Of course, conversations about the division of household labor are not new to anyone who is married, lives with a partner, or lives with roommates. It’s often a topic that is loaded with anger and resentment, and that becomes a stand-in argument for any number of relationship troubles deemed too messy to even begin sorting out.

In this episode, Dan and Andrea discuss the show and its impact on their own personal messes and relationships. Has folding socks and towels more consciously helped them to live more consciously? Listen to find out.

Also, please email [email protected] or find Dan on Facebook to tell us what you think about the KonMari Method, explain how you split household duties with your co-dwellers, or tell us your favorite stain removal tips. Whatever! We’d just love to hear from you.

The post Keep It Clean appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Dan traveled to Rio de Janeiro and really stepped in it.

Well, except he didn’t really step in it. He just thought he did.

You’re really going to have to listen to him explain this one.

Then, go to Dan’s Facebook page, and tell us your story:

Have you ever felt you had to do something you weren’t proud of just to get by?

OR, have you ever shown empathy and kindness to someone who took advantage of you?

The post Poop Shoe appeared first on Dan Griffin.

All too often men are tossed into The Water and told to sink or swim. For any struggle we face, we’re often given some version of the same, age-old advice: “Man Up.” (What the hell does that even mean? Especially at a time when we aren’t entirely sure what kind of men we are supposed to be.)

But, it doesn’t have to be this way.

Men need a space where they can have real conversations about the unique challenges they face in today’s society – what frustrates us, what scares us, what confuses us, what gives us strength, what brings us joy, and what gives us hope for the future. We can learn so much about how to live the lives we truly want by hearing about one another’s successes and failures, and by getting real, actionable advice on life and relationships from men and women who aren’t afraid to get real.   

In this, the first episode of The Man Rules podcast, Dan provides a description of the water and lays a foundation for the journey toward conscious masculinity.

The post How’s The Water? appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Men are four times more likely to die by suicide than women, and their depression is more likely to manifest as anger and violence. As this week’s guest, Terry Real, puts it men either feel that they are failing the agenda or that the agenda is failing them.  The Man Rules may be limiting in many, many ways, but for a while, they at least provided solid ground for men to stand on. Lately, that ground has begun to crumble beneath their feet.

Men today are awash in intense conflicting messages about what it means to be a man. And, they are finding that the things that they once took for granted as the rewards for following The Man Rules–the right job, financial security, sex, marriage, family–are not as easily guaranteed as they’d been taught.

This episode will help you understand how depression shows up differently in men and will give you some practical advice on how to recognize and address the symptoms in yourself and others. While it’s true that these changes will likely lead to more opportunities for both men and women in the future, it’s important to make sure that we don’t lose too many men in the shuffle.

The post Why Aren’t I Happy? Men and Depression appeared first on Dan Griffin.

This is a replay of one of our favorite episodes. If you feel frustrated by discussions about consent and sexual morality, this is definitely one you won’t want to miss…

Why are so many of us confused about consent? The idea has come up a lot lately in the wake of the #metoo movement. And, discussions about it recently intensified with reactions to the story a woman named “Grace” told to Babe.net about a sexual encounter she had with comedian Aziz Ansari. On news sites and Facebook feeds nationwide, people are asking, “Was that encounter assault, misconduct, or just a bad date? Is Aziz Ansari a good guy or bad guy? Is “Grace” a  victim or a liar?

According to Mike Domritz, who has been teaching audiences far and wide about consent for years, these are the wrong questions to ask. He and Dan talk about what consent really means and what it doesn’t, and about what’s at stake when we’re too afraid to ask the right questions. Isn’t “consent” really the least we can do?  What if we built a culture of mutuality instead? What if every person truly had the freedom to choose whether they wanted to have sex, without guilt, pressure, coercion, or the spectre of gendered cultural expectations?

The post Beyond Consent: Building a Culture of Mutuality appeared first on Dan Griffin.

This episode is a replay of one we first posted in back in 2017. Gillette’s recent “Toxic Masculinity” ad recently brought ideas about the ways in which men are portrayed in popular media to the mainstream. Dr. Andrew Smiler has studied men and media for many years, and share some great insights. It’s definitely worth revisiting! 

If you were a social anthropologist and you wanted to understand the norms and values of some ancient society, you’d likely take a look at their cultural artifacts. You’d closely examine their writings, paintings, sculptures, etc., to look for clues regarding how people within a certain culture were expected to behave and interact with the people around them.

1000 years from now, when anthropologists somehow get their hands on our TV shows, they’re going to learn a thing or two about how men were supposed to behave in our society if they wanted to be respected or admired: Save the day, always have a witty comeback handy, be aloof – or a doof – in your relationships, and get the girl. Any girl. Actually, all the girls. And only girls, of course. As many as possible (and pretty much all of them are possible because you are the guy no girl can— or should— resist.)

Hopefully, the writings of researcher and therapist Dr. Andrew Smiler will survive until that day, so that future scholarly types can get a fuller picture of our off-screen reality, which is that most men are not promiscuous, most men do value intimacy and relationships, and most men, in fact, are not “most men.” He and Dan share some concrete strategies on how to show up as the man you want to be, not necessarily the man advertised on TV.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

The post Not as Seen on TV appeared first on Dan Griffin.

“99” by Steve Bowbrick is licensed under CC by 2.0

Is “keeping it 100” a thing people still say these days? Many eons ago, back in 2015, it meant “to be you, be honest, be true to yourself and the people you love, be unapologetic but respectful at the same time.” In other words, it has pretty much been the goal of The Man Rules podcast from the beginning. We wanted to create a space, figuratively speaking, where men could show up and have open and honest conversations about who they were and who they were becoming as they began to become more aware of The Man Rules and break free from them.

So, here on the eve of the 100th episode, Dan and Andrea talk about what they’ve learned from the first two years of making The Man Rules podcast, and what they hope the show may become.

Please email us at [email protected], and let us know where you think the show should go in 2019 and beyond. We’d love to hear your ideas on guests, topics, and/or just your general opinions about the ideas expressed in each episode. You can also find us on Twitter and Facebook, of course.

The post Keeping it 100 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

For many of us, vowing to change our habits at the beginning of a New Year has become, well… a habit. Unfortunately, all of the hope and good intentions we have on December 31st, rarely sustains us past the second week of February.

So, how can we make changes that last? In this episode, Dan shares some tips based on his own experiences in building healthy habits like exercising and writing into his life. Though he’ll admit that his routines are far from perfect, he has had some success in implementing positive changes through planning and working with accountability partners.

We hope you’ll make sharing your thoughts with us a habit in 2019. Go to Dan’s Facebook page (@dangriffinMA) to share your experiences in developing healthy habits, or email us at [email protected]

The post Making Habits Last appeared first on Dan Griffin.

The second is in terms of emotional courage. The rise in popularity of thinkers like Brene Brown has taught us that vulnerability is a willingness to show up, be seen as we really are, and form connections with others without hidden agendas. (That’s good.) “Connecting” with person X, in order to achieve Y, as so many of us in sales and/or politics often do, is not the point. The point is just to connect— for the sake of your mental and spiritual health, and, more importantly, theirs.

In this episode, Dan and Allen point out some of the key differences between healthy vulnerability and unhealthy vulnerability.  And, for partners who struggle to understand why their men won’t just talk about it, for godsakes, they also point out some ways in which The Man Rules make practicing healthy vulnerability difficult for men, and offer some ideas for how you can help change the culture of vulnerability in your household, and beyond…

Allen also shares his recent first-hand experience with both physical and emotional vulnerability as an evacuee of the California wildfires. Allen, his family, and his home are all okay, but there are many who still struggling through the aftermath. Here are some ways you can help them.

The post What Men Would Tell You…About Vulnerability appeared first on Dan Griffin.

In our monthly Deep Dive episode, Dan talks in depth with one man about how The Man Rules have impacted his life, and how he has worked toward a more conscious masculinity. This week Michael Dinneen manages to say a lot of really profound and beautiful things about finding God, without sounding the least bit like a sanctimonious arsehole. (That’s a rare gift.)

The conversation runs the gamut from friendship, parenting, recovery from addiction(s), and what it means to be a man. But, the highlight of each topic is the paradox that’s inherent in any man’s attempt at self-actualization— You can’t become self-reliant on your own. In fact, the more you rise out of the mucky swamp of your ego, the more you need to rely on others and on a power greater than yourself.

After listening to this episode, you’re probably going to want more wisdom from Michael. And you can find it in his book, The Gift of Fulfillment.

The post How to Get Over Yourself appeared first on Dan Griffin.

This post is being brought to you from the great city of Indianapolis, where Producer Andrea lives. For those who are unfamiliar, the Indy 500 is a race where odd looking vehicles with really big tires whip around a circular track at alarming speeds— often more than 200 mph. The aim is to be the first driver to complete 500 laps around the circle. There’s money, prestige, and fame at stake so, of course, all of the drivers are desperate to win. It’s pretty exciting stuff.

But for many people, (Producer Andrea included), the most interesting thing about the race isn’t the race itself. It’s the pit stops.   

Isn’t it amazing that in a race where the goal is to drive, drive, drive as fast as you can, and be the first and the best, THE CARS HAVE TO STOP SOMETIMES? Can you imagine being an Indy Car driver, full of adrenaline and dopamine, with the words “Go, Go, Go!” crying out from the depths of your soul, having to make a conscious decision, often 2 or 3 times during the race, to stop? Can you imagine trying to convince yourself that stopping, even for only 8 seconds, would not put you at a serious disadvantage in a race where milliseconds matter? Can you imagine the temptation they must feel to just ignore the advice of their race team and just keep going?  

(Do you see where we’re going with this analogy-wise?)

How do you feel when you read the following words? SELF CARE. Does it sound like something a woman made up–possibly Oprah? Does it sound like something only women are allowed to do? Does it sound like something that might be nice for other people, but just isn’t a luxury you can afford right now as you’re trying to get that promotion, or get that person to marry you, or get your kids into that great school, etc, etc, etc?

Imagine you’re an Indy Car driver. Imagine hearing your crew manager say through your radio, “Hey, man. You need to stop for new tires and some fuel and an adjustment of your flex capacitor.” (or whatever.) Imagine saying to him, “Yeah, that would be nice, I guess, but I just can’t stop right now… I’m in third place! Only a few laps to go! I can totally push through.”

Imagine what happens next. (Hint: A tire falls off as you’re speeding along, you spin out of control, hit a few other cars that trying to speed past you, cause them to spin out of control and hit other cars, crash, bang, fires, disaster.)

Self care isn’t bubble baths, pints of ice cream and Netflix binges; it’s a stop for needed maintenance. It’s a prevention of wear and tear on your vehicle. It keeps you in the race.

In this episode, Tim Harrington stops by to talk to Dan, not about the Indy 500, but about scheduled maintenance for your soul. (a.k.a. Self Care.) He offers up a number of great suggestions for how to do self care in a way that leads to lasting growth and change. Check it out, and stay tuned for future updates from Tim as he takes his family on the road…

The post Scheduled Maintenance For Your Soul appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Everyone is interested in how men and women are getting along these days. What if there were something other than “we’re from different planets” model? Once a month my good friend, Dr. Allen Berger, and I take over the Man Rules podcast to talk about our forthcoming book, What Men Would Tell You If They Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV.

This month Allen and I start our Man Rules discussion where we are going to discuss each of the 10 Man Rules that we unpack at length in the book. The first one is the Man Rule that is most often the first one named when I have the audience identify the Man Rules themselves: Don’t Cry.

This powerful Rule is about much more than simply not crying. It is one of the mega rules because so many of the other rules are built into it: don’t show feelings, don’t be vulnerable, don’t be weak, and many more.

How does it show up in your relationship? How does it show up in your life? The Water is very deep with this Rule.

Practical and Tactical

1. If you’re having difficulty crying, then be accepting of that. Then say this: “I am not going to cry because…” Get in touch with what you are doing to stop yourself from crying.
2. If you’re uncomfortable with someone else’s crying then ask yourself why that is. “I am uncomfortable with your/their crying because…” Find the answers to that question.
3. Write a letter or journal entry. Find the words that most accurately reflect your experiences in the moment. Uncensored.

The post What Men Would Tell You… About Crying appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Tim Clausen, author, jazz musician, and friend of The Man Rules podcast,  passed away on July 29. Tim was on a mission to help men—especially gay men—find their voices, find peace, and find love in all of its many forms. We were so fortunate to have known him and to have had him as a guest on the show, where he modeled the emotional courage and open curiosity about his own inner life and the inner lives of others we believe is key to helping men lead happier, healthier lives.

In this episode, we pay tribute to Tim by looking back on some of the best advice, insights, and personal experiences he shared on the show. Tim’s words inspired us to keep working to find our own voices and live our most authentic lives, and we hope they will do the same for you. He will be terribly missed.

About Tim Clausen

January 1, 1960 – July 29, 2018

Tim Clausen was a jazz and blues pianist rooted in the great stride-piano tradition and an author. Self-taught, his stylistic influences included jazz giants Erroll Garner, Art Tatum, Oscar Peterson, Tommy Flanagan, Ahmad Jamal, and Carl Perkins. Tim was a featured pianist at many of Milwaukee’s finest restaurants, hotels, arts centers and special events, and performed at jazz engagements in Houston, Philadelphia and Paris, France. In his related work as jazz biographer, Tim interviewed dozens of jazz legends while putting together musical histories on his two favorite jazz pianists, Erroll Garner and Dave Catney. Tim published his first book, Love Together, in 2014 and his second book, Not The Son He Expected, on gay men’s relationships with their fathers in 2017.

Mentioned in This Episode

Tim Clausen on The Man Rules podcast:

Living in Broken Time — Jazz Pianist Tim Clausen on Gay Men and Their Fathers

Not the Son He Expected – Deep Dive with Tim Clausen

Tim Clausen’s Books:

Not the Son He Expected: Gay Men Talk Candidly About Their Relationship with Their Father

Love Together: Longtime Male Couples on Healthy Intimacy and Communication

The post A Tribute to Tim Clausen appeared first on Dan Griffin.

It’s been said that men are women are from totally different planets. All of the struggles they have in relating to one another are a result of the fact that they are just two totally different species, and the only way to bridge the gap is to study the culture, habits, and communication styles of the other and try to adapt the best you can.

There’s only one, small, potential problem with that approach. It may put some of us in a mindset that, when communicating with our partners, we should seek primarily to be understood rather than to understand. Or perhaps we resign ourselves to the idea that we will never truly understand or know our partner. It sets you up to think that your relationship is about developing the best offense or defense based on what you know about your opponent’s playing style. It’s more about protecting and less about connecting.  

Dan says that it’s more like men are from France, and women are from Spain. They do both speak different languages, but the words in each language come from the same root. (i.e. Latin.)    

That’s why Dan is working on a new book, What Men Would Tell You If They Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV with his good friend Dr. Allen Berger. Allen is back on the podcast this week to help explain the aim behind the book, and to give a few pointers on beginning a process of healthy struggle with your partner. Dan and Allen share tips on how to stay connected during the day-to-day ups and downs of your relationship, and how to allow your difference to make you stronger as individuals, and as a couple. You’ll also hear a preview of the 10 Man Rules Dan and Allen will cover in upcoming episodes – as well as in their forthcoming book.

We’d love to hear what you think about this episode, AND/OR to hear about your experiences with the Man Rule we’ll be covering next month. Please email [email protected] with your questions and comments. Or reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

Practical and Tactical

Tune in to The Man Rules podcast the third week of every month, to hear Dan and Allen break down the following Man Rules:

1. The Don’t Cry Rule
2. The Always Be in Control Rule
3. The Don’t Be Vulnerable or Weak Rule
4. The Success Rule
5. The Protector Rule
6. The Fight Rule
7. The Be Cool Rule
8. The Sex Rule
9. The Winning Rule
10. The Know It All Rule

Mentioned in This Episode

Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus – John Gray

Dr. Walter Kempler

I and Thou, Martin Buber

Alexythymia

The post What Men Would Tell You… About Women appeared first on Dan Griffin.

When we started The Man Rules podcast one year ago, we had no idea what we were doing. We knew that we wanted to offer a self-improvement resource for men that went way beyond the whole, “how to get laid, how to make a ton of money, how to get ripped” kind of thing you tend to see in most media that’s geared toward men. We also wanted to help to continue and expand the conversation around gender inequality, by highlighting the many ways that men suffer from strictly-enforced gender roles in ways that we often don’t recognize. But, we didn’t know what the daily ins and outs of making a podcast would be…

One year later, we still sometimes feel like we don’t know what we’re doing from a day-to-day operations standpoint. And we wonder if we’ve been successful at all with the overall mission. (We’d love to hear your thoughts on what kind of impact we have or have not had!) There have been times in the past year when we wondered if anyone was actually listening. We wondered if we had started podcasting at the wrong time—a time when podcasting has exploded, and there are tons of wonderful, fascinating, slickly-produced, and well-funded shows out there with big names and big personalities attached. “How can we compete with all of that?” we thought. “Should we even bother?”

But, in the end, we decided that there really aren’t many shows like ours. People are having great conversations on podcasts everywhere, but they aren’t having the kind of conversations that we’re having. In this episode, Dan reflects on some of those conversations, and talks about what he’s learned from the show—how it’s helped him recognize some not-so-healthy patterns in his own life and uncover some blind spots that he had around gender equality, even as a person who has spent years learning and speaking about it. He also looks ahead to the next year and talks about changes and improvements we’re making to the show.

So, we soldier on. And we hope that our little labor of love helps at least one man out there feel less trapped, less confused, less afraid, and less alone. We think it’s the best way—maybe even the only way—to bring about more justice and peace for men, women, and people beyond the binary.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

Practical and Tactical

1. Listen to more episodes of this podcast.
2. Have a conversation with somebody in your life about the podcast you listen to, share with them what you’re getting out of it, and invite them to listen to it.
3. Listen to more episodes of the podcast and review them on iTunes, Stitcher, or other platforms where you listen.

About Dan Griffin

The post It’s the First Anniversary of The Man Rules Podcast! appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Jess Pettitt is, among other things, a diversity educator.

Did you just roll your eyes at that? Did you shudder at the memory of a terrible corporate diversity training you we forced to attend in the past? Did you recall a particularly hilarious episode of The Office where they brilliantly spoofed diversity trainings? Did you feel annoyed at the idea of giving the PC Police yet another platform and frustrated by the fact that you can’t say anything to anyone anymore without offending them?

Then, you’re definitely going to want to listen to this show.

Jess and Dan shine a light on how the fear of getting it wrong—  whether “it” is breaking one of The Man Rules or saying the wrong thing at the wrong time to your female co-worker— prevents us from learning from one another, developing meaningful connections, and advocating for positive changes. And this is not a one-sided conversation. This is no liberals-are-awesome-and-conservatives-suck kind of deal. It is about learning how to listen to everyone.

Jess also shares some great practical tips for doing the best you can with what you have some of the time, instead of striving for perfection or opting out due to pressure and frustration.  

Practical and Tactical

1. You can’t get mad at someone for acting the way that you expected them to act. If someone behaves in a way that you expected them to, and you get mad about it, work on reacting in a different way.
2. You can get mad at yourself for how you act. Be aware of how you show up in interactions with the people around you, and take responsibility for any negative reactions, whether you intended to cause offense or not.
3. It’s important to take responsibility, but at the same time, give yourself a bit of a break. The way you were likely taught to perform masculinity doesn’t leave much room for you to forgive yourself or take care of your emotional needs. So give yourself permission to do exactly that.

About Our Guest

Audiences are inspired to stand up and take action as Jessica Pettitt leads them down the path to understanding they are good enough to make the changes they seek. Challenging long-held assumptions about the type of people who drive change and are successful, Jessica eradicates excuses and provides strategies to communicate openly and actively seek success. As a professional speaker, her expertise earned her the Certified Speaking Professional designation from the National Speakers Association. A designation held by fewer than 800 people worldwide. As a facilitator, she provides the framework for open, welcoming, and productive conversation. Whether she provides a motivational keynote, an in-depth workshop, facilitates group interaction, or frames an entire conference as emcee, Jessica brings humor, a high-level understanding of adult learning, and an ability to engage participants and encourage them to engage with each other. Participants walk away focused and confident in their role to make change now.

Mentioned in This Episode

Good Enough Now

Fassinger’s Identity Model

Jess’s TEDx Talk – The Day Everything Changed

Roger’s Innovation Adoption Curve

Harry Potter

The post Turn Your Fears Into Actions – Episode 59 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

A major shift is happening in how we view gender, sexuality and violence. Many people, like our guest Mary Woods, see echoes of the 60s civil rights movements in this modern era of protest and consciousness raising. But, many men feel confused about their place in these movements. In the stories we hear day after day, men are the perpetrators of the sexual violence, racial violence, and gun violence. Much of the conversation focuses on how to change men–and no doubt, change is needed. But, as Dan often says, “We can’t just change what men think, we have to change what we think about men.”

Change cannot happen when people are silenced or dismissed. The Women’s Movement has had its success through teaching women how to understand the day-to-day mechanics of their oppression and the importance of speaking out against them. In order to speak out, they had to build a huge community of people who would lend their support and make it safe for them to speak out and take action.

We have to do the same for men.

In this episode Dan and Mary talk about the ways that we can support men as they confront the injustices of their socialization as men (i.e. be the biggest, the baddest, the richest, the meanest), wrestle with their relationships to power, and try to build a canal through the muddy waters of gender expectation.

Practical and Tactical

1. Sit down with someone of a different gender and ask them “What is your experience like living in our society today? What was living in your family like? And listen. Then, ask yourself if your ideas and perspectives changed, even just a little.
2. Look at the history of the women’s rights movement, the civil rights movement, and treatment of veterans. If you don’t study your history, you’re doomed to repeat it.
3. Join a group that will help you look at things from a different perspective. Joining with others to tell the truth about your experiences and listen closely as they tell the truth about theirs.

About Our Guest

Mary Ryan Woods holds a master’s degree in human service administration, is a Board Certified Licensed Registered Nurse and a Licensed Alcohol and Drug Abuse Counselor, who has over 37 years’ experience in substance abuse services and community mental health programs. Woods began her career in the addictions profession working in a variety of settings. Currently, she is the Executive Officer for WestBridge Community Services a private, nonprofit organization dedicated to the treatment of individuals and families with co-occurring mental illness and substance use disorders. WestBridge has programs in New Hampshire and Florida. She is a Past President for NAADAC the association of addiction professionals.

Mentioned in This Episode

WestBridge

Dual Diagnosis

The Post (movie)

George Carlin

All in The Family

The Lion’s Paw (Note: There are several variations of this story.)

Dialectical Behavior Therapy

The post Muddy Waters – Episode 56 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

For Jason MacKenzie, everything was going as planned. He had a great job, a beautiful wife, two kids, a nice house, and a nice car. So, how did he one day find himself, widowed, and drinking until he passed out (again) on his couch, while his heartbroken 9-year-old daughter played on the floor alone?  

On this episode of The Man Rules podcast, Jason explains how he radically changed his life by stepping outside of his alpha male persona and embracing his long-hidden emotionality, sensitivity, and creativity through vulnerability. You’ll learn more about his mission to help other men discover the power of emotion through his Mental Health Warriors project and hear his Practical and Tactical Tips for living a more authentic life. He and Dan also discuss the differences between the problematic use of alcohol and addiction, and paths available to recovery.

Practical and Tactical Tips

1. There is so much knowledge and wisdom to be gained through your emotions. Allow yourself to feel every single one. You don’t have to let them dictate your decisions in order to learn from them.
2. Be willing to share your story in order to help others. This doesn’t mean that you have no boundaries and share anything and everything and with anyone and everyone. It means that you recognize when someone is struggling, and offer to share your story if you think it will help them.
3. When you start to step into your emotions, you are going to create opportunities for yourself that you’ve never even imagined before. Learn to embrace those opportunities and to learn from disappointment and failure.

Bonus: If you’d like to talk to someone about what you’re going through right now, you can book a complimentary two-hour conversation with Jason at MentalHealthWarriors.com.

About Our Guest

Jason MacKenzie is an expert on peak human performance. His philosophy, experience, and methods are born from the laboratory of his own life and the lives of the people he serves. A father, published author, experienced speaker, and proven leader Jason is sharing the important life lessons he has learned from his harrowing personal journey. He is a survivor of his wife’s battle with bipolar disorder and subsequent suicide and has overcome a decade-long battle with alcohol. His goal is to equip every man with the tools to become a better father, leader, and human being. Find out more at MentalHealthWarriors.com

Mentioned on The Show

The Mental Health Warriors Podcast

Terry Real – “The impact of male socialization is disconnection.”

Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability

The post What’s Left When It All Falls Away – Episode 51 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

In this episode of The Man Rules podcast, The Deep Dive Guys (Tim Walsh, Michael Dinneen, and Dan) talk about the ways in which they felt “different” as kids, the consequences, both internal and external, that they experienced for breaking The Man Rules, and the ways in which they are striving to change the rules and make things different for their kids.

What does it mean to be a “sensitive man” or a “tough girl?” How can we make sure that the gender-positive message we send our kids at home override the negative message they receive out in the world?

Mentioned in This Episode

Pictures of Tim’s Most Recent Outdoor Adventure

Anchorman, one our producer’s favorite movies of all time, which was only alluded to because none of the guys could remember its name, leaving said producer trapped in a glass case of outrage and emotion.  Insert video clip: https://youtu.be/5fmHCNfowbQ

About the Deep Dive Guys

For more information about Tim Walsh, check out his website timwalshconsulting.com. And, you can find Michael Dinneen on LinkedIn.

The post The Deep Dive Guys Do It Differently – Episode 49 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Most of us, men as well as women, feel confusion about sex and our sexuality, but this episode focuses solely on women’s particular struggles. Our guest Kit Maloney talks to Dan about the ways in which women are encouraged by our culture to disconnect from their bodies, to avoid exploring about their own sexual pleasure, and to look outwardly toward men and the media for cues on what they should and should not want sexually, rather than relying on her own inner values and desires.

So what can men do with this information? How can men—especially straight men—support women in this journey? Kit shares some great tips on how men can move beyond their own fears and insecurities about female pleasure, and support women in their journey to discover their authentic sexual selves.

Kit also offers women a special opportunity to take The Pleasure Pledge, in which they commit to exploring their own sexual pleasure, on their own terms, every day in February, capitalizing on a month that already celebrates love, romance, and healthy sexuality at its best.

Practical and Tactical Tips

1. Know that women’s masturbation and solo sex practice does not have anything to do with their masculinity. She’s not trying to replace you. She’s learning more about who she is and what works for her sexually, and as long as you’re supportive, is probably looking forward to sharing that newfound knowledge with you.

2. Honor how important it is for your partner to know her body and how to turn herself on. This takes a ton of pressure off of you and makes your own ability to turn her on that much more delightful.

3. When we truly honor women’s sexual pleasure, we release ourselves from so much confusion around consent.

About Our Guest

For the last two decades, Kit Murray Maloney has been an activist, academic, and entrepreneur committed to channelling her passion for gender equity into a celebration of women’s sexual pleasure. She’s earned a Masters degree in Gender and Social Policy from the London School of Economics; has been featured in Marie Claire and Glamour magazines, and is a regular contributor to The Huffington Post. She launched her multi-media site O’actually to create a more open dialogue around the existing taboo and yet the ultimate importance of women’s self-pleasure and to promote creative, beautiful, and HOT erotic works made by women for women. Because genuine female orgasms heal and better the world.

Mentioned In This Episode

O Actually
The Pleasure Pledge
A Billion Wicked Thoughts (book)

The post Eager to Please – Episode 48 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Why are so many of us confused about consent? The idea has come up a lot lately in the wake of the #metoo movement. And, discussions about it have intensified with reactions to the story about a sexual encounter a woman had with comedian Aziz Ansari. On news sites and Facebook feeds nationwide, people are asking, “Was that encounter assault, misconduct, or just a bad date?” “Is Aziz Ansari a good guy or bad guy?” “Is the woman who told the story a  victim or a liar?”

According to Mike Domritz—who has been teaching audiences far and wide about consent for years—these are the wrong questions to ask. He and Dan talk about what consent really means and what it doesn’t, and about what’s at stake when we’re too afraid to ask the right questions. Isn’t “consent” really the least we can do?  What if we built a culture of mutuality instead?  What if every person truly had the freedom to choose whether they wanted to engage sexually without guilt, pressure, coercion, or the specter of gendered cultural expectations?

Practical and Tactical Tips

1. Don’t think in terms of “good people versus bad people” when it comes to sexual misconduct. It allows us to disidentify and avoid having honest conversations about our own less-than-ideal behaviors.
2. Instead of framing allegations of sexual misconduct in the news with the question of,  “Was it assault/misconduct/harassment or not,” pause and ask yourself, “Does it sound like the sexual activity was equally wanted by all parties?
3. Take a look at yourself and determine that you’re only going to engage in sexual activity that is mutually-wanted by all partners. Nobody is immune to sexual pressures, but you can choose to say, “I will not let pressure make my decisions for me.”

About Our Guest

For over a decade, Mike Domitrz has been inspiring individuals with his hilarious sense of humor and his uncanny ability to draw hard-hitting emotion from audiences. Schools, organizations, military bases and more constantly rave about what a lasting impact he has with his audience. In addition to his speaking and writing, Mike Domitrz founded and is currently the Executive Director of The DATE SAFE Project. Through interactive presentations, creative educational resources, and unique national initiatives, The DATE SAFE Project is committed to being the nation’s leading organization for creating healthier dating environments, a clearer understanding of “consent” and for raising awareness on the many issues surrounding sexual assault.

Mentioned on the Show

The Date Safe Project

The Everyday Mindfulness podcast

“I’m a sexual consent educator. Here’s what’s missing from the Aziz Ansari conversation.” – Jaclyn Friedman, Vox.com

“Violence against women – it’s a men’s issue.” Jackson Katz, TEDTalk

“Everyone Deserves a Choice.” Mike Domritz on The Man Rules Podcast, Episode 8

The post Sexual Deliberation: Building a Culture of Mutuality – Episode 47 appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Happy New Year! And welcome to the annual tradition of making resolutions without much resolve. This year, though, could really be your year. Instead of relying on willpower to achieve your goals, rely on a framework for positive change, like our guest Darcy Luoma’s Thoughtfully Fit®.

Through her years of experience, Darcy has learned that if you want strong relationships, effective teams, more internal peace, and greater success you need to work from the inside out. She calls this being Thoughtfully Fit and just like physical fitness, you need to work at it. Being Thoughtfully Fit can help you lead yourself, as well as your relationships with others, by improving your ability to communicate, and effectively handle conflict by acting mindfully and intentionally. It’s a great model for developing the kind of conscious masculinity we always talk about on the show, and for becoming the man you want to be in 2018 and beyond.

Also, if you’ve ever wondered about the difference between a therapist and life coach, Darcy and Dan offer an explanation and some tips on how to decide whether you need therapy or coaching. (Or both!)

For more information about the Thoughtfully Fit framework, check out Darcy Luoma’s blog.

Practical and Tactical Tips

              The Thoughtfully Fit Framework           

1. PAUSE. When you feel that you are on verge of reacting to something, create some space between feeling and action. (e.g. Don’t just ram through and hit send on that response to your co-worker’s nasty email.)
2. THINK. Ask yourself some thoughtful questions about what you want the outcome to be.
3. ACT based on the desired outcome.

About Our Guest

Darcy Luoma helps individuals, business leaders and teams develop and execute action plans, navigate conflict successfully, unlock their leadership potential, improve communication skills, and bring clarity to chaos is so rewarding. By posing powerful questions, providing specific tools and techniques, encouraging creativity, and breaking large goals into manageable steps, her clients achieve tremendous success, including promotions, higher performance, exceeding goals, and successfully navigating job and life transitions.

She has helped hundreds of people achieve tremendous success – personally and professionally. You can contact her through her website, www.darcyluoma.com.

Mentioned In This Episode

Brene Brown

Angela Duckworth

Martin Luther

The post Episode 45: Go Coach Yourself! appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Hurray for the holidays, a time of joy and wonder! You wonder why you put yourself through this shit every year and feel joy when it’s finally over. BAH HUMBUG.

Okay–so maybe it’s not that cut and dried. What most of us feel during the holidays could most likely be described as ambivalence. There is, of course, the stress, and anxiety, and resentment and grief, but there is also the awe and the laughter and feeling of connectedness and purpose that many of us get from gift-giving, meal-preparing, and spending time with family.

In this episode of The Man Rules podcast, The Deep Dive guys talk about their personal holiday trials and triumphs and share advice on how to use this time of year to recharge and connect with what matters most.

Practical & Tactical Tips

If the holidays tend to leave you feeling less than jolly, try some of these tips…

1. Look For Ways to Help: Instead of focusing on how uncomfortable you feel, how people are judging you, how they are mistreating you, think about how you might be able to help others. Is there someone at the gathering who is likely just as uncomfortable, if not more so, than you? Do what you can to make them feel more comfortable. Basically, you just want to look for something to focus on other than your agony.

2. Stick to Your Self-Care Routine: It may not be possible to stick to your routine exactly, especially if you’re traveling or have guests at your house, but if you exercise every day, don’t stop doing that during the holidays. If you pray or meditate every day, don’t stop doing that during that holidays. We often feel obligated to spend every moment with family members during holiday gatherings, but you will enjoy your time with them much more if you don’t allow yourself to get worn down.

3. Maintain Your Boundaries. If you know that certain people, certain settings, and/or certain types of holiday gatherings cause a lot of angst and discomfort for you, try to switch it up. Instead of gathering at Grandma’s house for an all-day eating, drinking, and arguing marathon, suggest that you all go out to a restaurant. Everyone is more likely to be on their best behavior in public and you can leave after a couple of hours.

4. Write: If you’re feeling upset or disconnected one day during the holidays, just sit down and write about how you’re feeling without judgment. Are there any memories from childhood that come up for you along with the feelings? Write about that too!

5. Find a Moment of Solitude: Take some time each day to pray, meditate, or just sit quietly by yourself for a few minutes—Maybe early in the morning before anyone wakes up, or at night after everyone has gone to bed.

6.  Slow Down and Be Aware: If you pay attention, you can feel an irrational reaction coming on in your body. Slow down enough to be aware of when you’re starting to feel overwhelmed with irritation, resentment, or anger. and take a detour. Call a friend, take a walk, get some space, breathe. It may help you avoid doing or saying things you will regret later.

Mentioned in This Episode

Animal House
Loaded Questions Game
The Meadows
John Bradshaw
Claudia Black

The post Episode 44: Your Presence is a Present appeared first on Dan Griffin.

“Things can be true on one level, and on another, not true at all. Wisdom is to know how to hear and see on different levels at the same time.”  – Richard Rohr

Let’s think about the typical life cycle of a public sexual misconduct allegation. The conversation that surrounds each accusation tends to center around what’s right and what’s wrong. We want–no, we need–clear answers. Was it a harmless joke? Or, was it a clear violation of sexual boundaries? Is it right to fire him over that? Is it wrong to suspect the victim may be exaggerating? Is going to “sex addiction treatment” just a way for the perpetrator to try to shirk responsibility for his actions? What if the perpetrator isn’t a man? What if the victim isn’t a woman?

Dr. Alexandra Katehakis returns to the show to help Dan finally and definitively answer all of these questions—JUST KIDDING! There, of course, are no definitive answers to these questions. That’s one of the many things that makes this gender-based cultural upheaval extremely confusing and sometimes painful. While at the extreme ends of the sexual misconduct spectrum, we can clearly label some people as criminals and others as victims, there’s a lot of room in between for varying degrees of nuance.

Though Alex and Dan don’t provide us with all the answers, they do make a convincing case for embracing the chaos in a way that forces us to be more honest with ourselves and with each other, and for seizing the opportunity to have these conversations in our homes, workplaces, churches, and schools, so that we can build a better future based on true gender equality. 

Resources

If you have questions about sexual disorders or want to get some some perspective on the current public conversations around gender and sexuality, you can call the Center for Healthy Sex at 310-843-3902.

Practical and Tactical

1. Keep conversations about sex and sexuality out of the workplace. When in doubt err on the side of caution— especially right now.
2. Talk to your sons about what it means to be male in this culture and how to behave appropriately. And, talk to your daughters about boundaries. Take these community conversations into churches, PTAs, and communities. Just the act of having a dialogue starts to stretch our minds.
3. Just try to be more conscientious as you walk through your days.

About Our Guest

Alex Katehakis is a licensed Marriage, Family Therapist, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist in Los Angeles. She has extensive experience in working with a full spectrum of sexuality from sexual addiction to sex therapy, and problems of sexual desire and sexual dysfunction for individuals and couples. Alex has successfully facilitated the recovery of many sexually addicted individuals and assisted couples in revitalizing their sex lives.

Dr. Katehakis is the Founder and Clinical Director of the Center for Healthy Sex in West Los Angeles, CA. She has lectured for the U.S. Journal Training Conference series, the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health, the UCLA Annual Attachment Conference, the Psychotherapy Networker Annual Conference, Women’s Association of Addiction Treatment, Mt. Sinai Medical School, AIDS Project LA, Eastern Group Psychotherapy Society, Phillips Graduate Institute and Pepperdine University. Dr. Katehakis earned her PhD from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in 2017.

Additionally, Alex appears as a regular guest sex expert every Friday on Dr. Drew Midday Live on KABC Talk Radio to discuss sex, addiction and sexuality. She has been a guest on several national radio programs and appeared on Voice America and WebMD, both live on-line Internet programs, as a sexual addiction expert. She is a regular guest blogger at Psychology Today, Huffington Post, PsychCentral and other websites. Alex teaches workshops on healthy sexuality in retreat settings and has been published in the Journal of Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity.

Mentioned in This Episode

The myth of the male bumbler

Last Man Standing

Tim Allen

Anthony Rapp

Terry Crews

Jay Z talks about going to therapy.

The post Episode 43: Dueling with Dualities appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Roy Moore. Harvey Weinstein. Bill Cosby. These are “bad guys,” right? They represent the extreme end of the sexual misconduct spectrum. Most men can easily say they don’t identify with any of these guys. They have never done the things these men have done and never would do the things these men have done. There are bad guys, and there are good guys, and they are good guys. They are not sexist. They have mothers! Sisters! Daughters! They would never mistreat women, or speak about them in a demeaning way—End of story. Open and shut case.

But… We all live in The Water. And if we really want things to change for the better for both women and men, we have to take a closer look. In this bonus episode, Dan talks about what sexism really looks like in our day-to-day lives, and explains why men need to reckon with their privilege without getting bogged down in feelings of shame and disempowerment.

Practical & Tactical

1. When someone is talking about their experiences as a woman, person of color, gay person, queer person, transgender person, etc., and your first thought is, “That doesn’t even make sense! That’s not the way I see things!” Pause. Turn any impulse to become defensive into curiosity. Instead of stating all the ways that you disagree with their perspective, ask questions that may help you better understand their perspective.

2. Listen. Listen with full attention, full consciousness, and full humanity.

3. When it is your turn to share your perspective, speak with caveats in order to create a space for you and other to talk about differences without animosity. Mandy Smith, writing for Missio Alliance, offers this excellent advice:

“Beginning with ‘I’d love to hear your perspective on this: I’m thinking…’ or ‘I may be wrong, but…’ creates space for the experience of others. It acknowledges your own subjectivity and invites conversation, trusting that the goal is for us to discover the way forward together. I know that in the white, male world, these kinds of caveats communicate insecurity. To women they communicate humility and invitation. Even if you feel pretty confident in your own opinion, it may be helpful to choose this kind of language for the sake of making space for difference.”

Mentioned in This Episode

Episode 1: How’s the Water? 

Roy Moore
Harvey Weinstein
Donald Trump

About Dan

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity.

Dan’s work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. Griffin’s book, A Man’s Way through Relationships, is the first book written specifically to help men create healthy relationships while navigating the challenges of the “Man Rules,” those ideas men internalize at very young ages about how to be real boys and men. In 2015, Dan was honored to be named a Senior Fellow at the world-renowned leader for treating addiction and trauma, The Meadows.

Griffin’s professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. He is also the author of A Man’s Way through the Twelve Steps, the first trauma-informed book to take a holistic look at men’s sobriety. He co-authored Helping Men Recover, the first comprehensive gender-responsive and trauma-informed curriculum for addiction and mental health professionals. Griffin earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous.

The post Bonus Episode: But I’m Not Sexist appeared first on Dan Griffin.

1000 years from now, when anthropologists somehow get their hands on our TV shows, they’re going to learn a thing or two about how men were supposed to behave in our society if they wanted to be respected or admired: Save the day, always have a witty comeback handy, be aloof – or a doof – in your relationships, and get the girl. Any girl. Actually, all the girls. And only girls, of course. As many as possible (and pretty much all of them are possible because you are the guy no girl can— or should— resist.)

Hopefully, the writings of researcher and therapist Dr. Andrew Smiler will survive until that day, so that future scholarly types can get a fuller picture of our off-screen reality, which is that most men are not promiscuous, most men do value intimacy and relationships, and most men, in fact, are not “most men.” He and Dan share some concrete strategies on how to show up as the man you want to be, not necessarily the man advertised on TV.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About Our Guest

Andrew Smiler, PhD, is a licensed therapist and an expert on boys, men, and masculinity. Dr. Smiler holds a Masters in Clinical Psychology and a PhD in Developmental Psychology. He is the author of the award winning “Dating and Sex: A Guide for the 21st Century Teen Boy,”  as well as “Challenging Casanova: Beyond the stereotype of the promiscuous young male” and co-author of “The Masculine Self,” with renowned researcher Chris Kilmartin. Dr. Smiler is the Board President of Male Survivor: National Organization against Male Sexual Victimization and the Editor-in-Chief of Online Publications for the Society for Research on Adolescence. He has been featured in the New York Times and Chicago Tribune, and has written for the the Good Men Project, Huffington Post, Shriver Report, and Everyday Feminism.

Mentioned on The Show

AndrewSmiler.com

Dating and Sex: A Guide for the 21st Century Teen Boy by Andrew Smiler

“Sex guide for teen boys picks up where parents leave off” – Chicago Tribune

A Man’s Way Through Relationships by Dan Griffin

Arthur Fonzarelli

Hawkeye Pierce

Fifty Shades of Grey

Friends

Two and a Half Men

How I Met Your Mother

Cheers

The Big Bang Theory

Pretty Little Liars

Captain America: Civil War

David Schmitt

LeBron James

The post Episode 37: NOT As Seen On TV! Andrew Smiler on how TV Shapes the ‘Average Man’ appeared first on Dan Griffin.

John Mayer‘s song “Daughters” — while only slightly less cheesy than “Your Body Is A Wonderland” — hits upon a very real pressure that fathers of daughters around the world continue to face.

Almost every second of parenthood is spent shaping the life, perspective, and future of our children. And for dads with daughters in particular, the responsibility can seem overwhelming at times.

Staying present and living authentically goes a long way towards modeling good emotional behavior for our children. But what else can you do to have a positive impact on your daughter’s growth and well-being?

In this week’s episode of The Man Rules podcast, host Dan Griffin and Tim Walsh of The Deep Dive Guys talk with guest Cody Gardener about their own experiences raising daughters, and strategies for other dads exploring the possibilities and challenges of such a role.

If you’re a dad of a daughter yourself, check out these tips – equally applicable to parents of any kind of kid.

Practical & Tactical Tips

1. Develop a parenting philosophy that both you and your partner agree on. Starting from the same page will make you stronger.

2. Let go of any need to do it perfectly. Focus on doing it consciously, and you’ll be amazed at the results.

3. Connect on her level. Remember to crouch or kneel down and look at your daughter eye-to-eye when you’re disciplining her or simply want to connect. The extra effort makes a huge difference.

4. Have fun! Parenting can be a great way to connect with your own inner child, and to reclaim the joy and wonder of childhood.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About the Deep Dive Guys

For more information about Tim Walsh, check out his website timwalshconsulting.com. And, you can find Michael Dinneen on LinkedIn.

The post Practical & Tactical Tips: Don’t F&#k It Up! (Episode 36) appeared first on Dan Griffin.

So many men could relate to that Pink Floyd lyric. Leading what Thoreau called “lives of quiet desperation,” so many of us stuff down our negative feelings day after day, until there’s not much room left in our hearts for joy.

It is only by feeling our feelings, embracing our humanity, and processing and releasing emotions like grief and sadness that we will ever find freedom.

But how can we begin that process when The Man Rules tell us that real men don’t talk about their feelings at all, let alone cry over them.

This week on The Man Rules podcast, poet Rick Belden joins host Dan Griffin to talk about ways you can finally start to process grief and discover a kind of strength you never knew you had.

Practical & Tactical Tips

1. Think of the person you’ve lost in your life who was really important to you. Write them a letter about how much you miss them, in as much detail as you can. Or, if you’d prefer, you could make a video on your phone. You may find that feelings you thought you were done with are still there.
2. Make use of the information that’s in your body. Think about something you’ve lost that you miss— it could be a person, a pet, or even a job. Then check in with your body and notice what’s going on? Are you feeling nauseous? A flutter in your chest? There may be some feeling there, that you need to process.
3. Crying is only one aspect of the grieving process. Take some kind of creative action as a result of your grief. Create some art, write some music, rebuild or restore something as a memorial, start a community project in honor of your loss.
   

Bonus: Find a good men’s group, if you can. (Psychology Today’s Support Group directory is one good resource, where you can search by location.)

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

GREAT NEWS! Rick is offering a 10 percent discount on enrollment in one of his coaching programs for men for The Man Rules podcast listeners. Sign up at RickBeldenCoaching.com.

About Our Guest

Rick Belden is a respected explorer and chronicler of the psychology and inner lives of men. He has been writing for most of his life and has been using creative expression, dreamwork, personal mythology, and listening to the body as tools for self-healing since 1989.

His book, Iron Man Family Outing: Poems about Transition into a More Conscious Manhood, is widely used in the United States and internationally by therapists, counselors, and men’s groups as an aid in the exploration of masculine psychology and men’s issues, and as a resource for men who grew up in dysfunctional, abusive, or neglectful family systems.

Rick’s poetry and essays have appeared in multiple books and on numerous websites around the world, reaching an international audience of many thousands of men and women. He helps men who are feeling stuck get their lives moving again by drawing on over 25 years of experience exploring men’s issues, masculine psychology, and recovery from abuse.

He lives in Austin, Texas.

Mentioned In This Episode

Rick’s website

Rick Belden Coaching

Men’s Group Directory on Psychology Today

Jenga

Magnolia

More Resources

Essay: Men and Grief

Essay: What If He Cries?

Poem: tears never cried

Video: Men and Grief: Does masculinity help with healing or make it more difficult?

Song: Comfortably Numb

The post Practical & Tactical Tips: Uncomfortably Numb – Rick Belden On Grief & Loss (Episode 35) appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Despite all the ways that sex continues to pervade our culture, research shows that the younger generations are having less actual, in-person sex than you might think. And those having sex might still feel like something’s missing.

This week, therapist and sex researcher Alexandra Katehakis, Ph.D, joins host Dan Griffin to explore the ways that honesty, vulnerability, and a little bit of self-exploration can do more for your sex life than any app.

If you’re ready to get started, try these easy tips.

Practical & Tactical Tips

1. Sit down with a piece of paper and ask yourself what you really like sexually. What’s true for you right now? What brings you pleasure? Don’t edit it and don’t judge it.
2. Vulnerability is highly attractive when, paradoxically, it’s coming from a place of strength, meaning that you have a sense of certainty about who you are. That kind of vulnerability allows you to take the risk of being honest with yourself and honest with your partner(s), which in turn, helps you grow yourself up sexually in ways that are novel, exciting, and deeply fulfilling.
3. Get clear about what you want in a relationship. As you start to move toward an intimate relationship with someone, pay attention to whether they are really present and receptive during sexual encounters, or if they are putting on an act. The keys to better sex and better relationships are awareness and appropriate action.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About Our Guest

Alexandra Katehakis is the Founder and Clinical Director of the Center for Healthy Sex in Los Angeles and the author of Erotic Intelligence: Igniting Hot, Healthy Sex While in Recovery from Sex Addiction,Sex Addiction as Affect Dysregulation: A Neurobiologically Informed Holistic Treatmentand co-author of the award-winning daily meditation book, Mirror of Intimacy: Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence and contributing author of the award-winning clinical textbook Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addicts. Katehakis is a clinical supervisor at American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists and clinical supervisor and member of the teaching faculty for the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP) a national certifying body for sex addiction therapists. She is a regular contributor to Psychology Today and The Huffington Post,as well as a prominent expert panelist at sexuality conferences and public events.

Mentioned In This Episode

Mirror of Intimacy, by Alexandra Katehakis

The Center for Healthy Sex

The post Practical & Tactical Tips: Sex Is A Crisis & An Opportunity (Episode 34) appeared first on Dan Griffin.

So, if you are a man, and find yourself craving intimacy, feeling attached to one of the women you have sex with, not interested in women, feeling afraid or confused about sex or your sexuality due to past trauma, and/or feeling insecure about your body— SEE MAN RULE #1.

For better or worse, sex is often central to men’s perceptions of themselves and to their experiences as men. Recently, at The Center for Healthy Sex in Los Angeles, Dan presented his humorous and insightful take on the ways in which this rule is enforced in our society, and the ways in which it hinders men’s relationships and their mental health. He also shares the surprising ways in which shame and fear lead men to constantly— and unconsciously — seek emotional safety through this cardinal Man Rule.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

Mentioned In This Episode

David Foster Wallace

This is Water (Essay by David Foster Wallace)

Gender Reveal Parties

Griffin Recovery Enterprises

About Dan

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. His work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. His professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous. Dan grew up in the DC area and lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Nancy, and his daughter, Grace, and has been in long-term recovery from addiction since he graduated college in May of 1994.

The post Episode 33: It Ain’t Just About Getting Laid appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Whether in recovery or not, numbing out is not the answer. From something as extreme as turning to drugs, to simply distracting yourself with work, turning away from your feelings is not a long-term solution.

This week’s Man Rules podcast might not help anyone make sense of the tragedies of recent weeks. But hopefully, you can use these tips and tricks to take care of yourself in this swirl of insanity. Just do the next indicated thing.

Practical & Tactical Tips

Dr. Allen Berger shares his 12 Tenets of Emotional Sobriety.

1. Develop an awareness of the gravitational pull of emotional dependency.
2. Surrender your special status that tells you you can impose your expectations on others, and on life itself.
3. Become aware of, and surrender, all of your unenforceable rules.
4. Move away from environmental support and toward self-support.
5. Refuse to live a life based on shoulds.
6. Maintain your balance by keeping your emotional center of gravity grounded in your own truth.
7. Look for a creative adaptation to problems.
8. Stop playing the blame game.
9. Claim your experience, rather than allowing your experience to claim you.
10. Cultivate nourishing attitudes toward your problems, toward yourself, and toward others.
11. Experiencing trouble in your recovery or in your relationships doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with your program; it’s a signal pointing you toward where you need to grow.
12. When you face trouble, add more self.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About Our Guest

Allen Berger, Ph.D., is an internationally recognized expert in family and couples therapy, and in the science of addiction and recovery. He is best known for his work on integrating modern psychotherapy with the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and for his insights into emotional sobriety. He is also recognized for his outstanding work as a psychotherapist and trainer.

He brings a highly unique background to his profession. His own personal journey in recovery started in 1971, on the beautiful island of Oahu, Hawaii. There he fell in love with recovery and with helping people find their way out of the abyss of addiction into the light of recovery. He overcame dropping out of high school, and received a doctorate in clinical psychology from UC Davis in 1987.He was trained and mentored by two brilliant clinicians: William C. Rader, M.D. and Walter Kempler, M.D..

He is the author of several journal articles as well as two books: Love Secrets – Revealed (HCI Books, 2006) and the Best Seller, 12 Stupid Things that Mess up Recovery (Hazelden, 2008)). His pamphlet How to Get the Most out of Group Therapy (Hazelden, 2007) helps new admissions understand the process of group therapy and how to use the group to optimize their experience in treatment.

His office is located in Southern California where he divides his time amongst private practice, teaching, writing and playing tennis.

Mentioned in This Episode

The Big Book (AA)

The 12 Steps and 12 Traditions (AA)

Earnie Larsen and Stage 2 Recovery

Alexithymia

Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl

CCAPP conference

Addiction and Recovery Resources

Reliable resources for learning more about addiction and finding help for yourself, a friend, or a family member.

General Information about Addiction

SAMHSA – Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Association

Facing Addiction

Shatterproof

For People with Substance Addictions

Alcoholics Anonymous

Narcotics Anonymous

SMART Recovery

For Families and Friends of People with Substance Addictions

Al-Anon

SMART Recovery Family and Friends

Adult Children of Alcoholics

Partnership for Drug-Free Kids

Network of Independent Interventionists

Association of Intervention Specialists

The post Practical & Tactical Tips: Grow Up, Man! (Episode 32) appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Wow. For most of us, that’s a pretty steep climb. And you sure don’t have to be in recovery in order to benefit from that message, because really, it’s every human’s journey.

Luckily, Dr. Allen Berger is back to be our emotional mountaineer and guide us along the path to a higher level of consciousness and a higher level of fully functional adulthood. He and Dan discuss the magic that can happen when we stop trying to control everything, and stop expecting the world and everyone in it to conform to our expectations.

(If you want to hear more of these two guys keeping it real, check out Episode 2.)

The post Episode 32: Grow Up, Man! Allen Berger on the 12 Tenets of Emotional Sobriety appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Amid all the onslaught of disturbing statistics about our country’s addiction epidemic, it can be easy to lose sight of the individual rays of hope that personal recovery stories represent.

This week on The Man Rules podcast, host Dan Griffin brings together his pals the Deep Dive Guys to talk about their own recovery stories in celebration of National Recovery Month.

Just listening to the episode might be reassurance that “it works if you work it.” But for those looking to live a better life today – in recovery or no – these tips might be a great start.

Practical & Tactical Tips

The post Practical & Tactical Tips: The Gift of Desperation (Episode 31) appeared first on Dan Griffin.

In a culture where we’re told repeatedly to put only our best foot forward and treat emotion like it’s an inconvenience that only serves to get in the way of maximum productivity and efficiency, all of the earnest talk about self-love and Higher Powers and connection can seem downright weird.

Unfortunately, this perception scares many people who need recovery away from the very things that could help them for far too long.

In this episode, host Dan Griffin, Tim Walsh and Michael Dinneen join forces once again to talk about why the opposite of addiction is connection, why recovery culture is nothing to fear, and how everyone — whether they are in recovery or not — can experience more joy, openness, and freedom.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About the Deep Dive Guys

For more information about Tim Walsh, check out his website timwalshconsulting.com. And, you can find Michael Dinneen on LinkedIn.

Mentioned in This Episode

The Gift of Fulfillment: Living The Principles of Healthy Recovery (Book by Michael Dinneen)

The parable of the long spoons

Viktor Frankl Quote on Success

Survivors workshop at The Meadows

Bridge to Recovery

Addiction and Recovery Resources

Reliable resources for learning more about addiction and finding help for yourself, a friend, or a family member.

General Information about Addiction

SAMHSA – Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Association

Facing Addiction

Shatterproof

For People with Substance Addictions

Alcoholics Anonymous

Narcotics Anonymous

SMART Recovery

For Families and Friends of People with Substance Addictions

Al-Anon

SMART Recovery Family and Friends

Adult Children of Alcoholics

Partnership for Drug-Free Kids

Network of Independent Interventionists

Association of Intervention Specialists

The post Episode 31: The Deep Dive Guys on the Gift of Desperation appeared first on Dan Griffin.

But if you can’t depend on Google to answer your recovery questions, where can you turn?

Trying to help a loved one who is struggling with addiction can be overwhelming with so many options – and still, in a way, so few options – available.

Where do you begin? Who should you trust? The following questions can help guide you as begin to look for an interventionist or addiction counselor.

• What is your background and training? Are you a licensed counselor? 
• What are your credentials? Are you certified?
• How many interventions have you done?
• Are you a member of a professional organization?
• Can we have references from other families you’ve done interventions for?
• Do you work for a treatment center? And do you refer clients only to that treatment center? Do you receive any kickbacks or payments from treatment centers?
• Are you truly independent? Is it fair to say that you work only for us, the family?
• What kinds of placement options will you give us? How many will we have to choose from
• How will we navigate insurance coverage versus out-of-pocket expenses?
• How do we pay you? What are your fees?

For more on where to turn when you need help getting help, listen to this week’s podcast with host Dan Griffin and interventionist David Brown, below.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About Our Guest

David Brown is a professional counselor, interventionist, mentor, coach, public speaker and educator. You are likely to find him in any conversation related to recovery and the world of addiction. He is passionate about working with men and helping them on their journey.

He has done over 350 interventions. He stresses that the most successful interventions he has done were ones in which concern was conveyed without shame, without ultimatums, without being hurtful. We hold loved ones accountable without being hurtful. The family is trained to express what they see and how they feel about it and are taught that they may only be planting seeds that grow later. We tend to judge our efforts by the outcomes but we have no control over the outcomes. We just give it our best most informed shot! What is really important are the family efforts and their expressions of love.

He was educated in England and has traveled the world extensively during a successful career in international sales. He has lived in Germany, Kenya, and India and made his home in the USA some years ago. He speaks German fluently. He is an exceptional communicator, storyteller and polished presenter with expertise in strategic and consultative selling. He brings an entrepreneurial background to the Behavioral Health Field and has a unique Rolodex of important contacts in the UK, Ireland, Europe and the Far East.

He has been married to the Lovely Lucy for 34 years and is a proud man in recovery.

Addiction & Recovery Resources

Reliable resources for learning more about addiction and finding help for yourself, a friend, or a family member.

General Information about Addiction

SAMHSA – Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Association

Facing Addiction

Shatterproof

For People with Substance Addictions

Alcoholics Anonymous

Narcotics Anonymous

SMART Recovery

For Families and Friends of People with Substance Addictions

Al-Anon

SMART Recovery Family and Friends

Adult Children of Alcoholics

Partnership for Drug-Free Kids

Network of Independent Interventionists

Association of Intervention Specialists

The post Practical & Tactical Tips: When You Need Help Getting Help (Episode 28) appeared first on Dan Griffin.

There is a powerful line from the amazing movie Magnolia: “You may be through with the past, but the past isn’t through with you.” Unfortunately, most ACAs, even those who are high-achievers, at some point in their lives find that they were not, in fact, able to leave all of their pain behind them when they walked out the door. Particularly, once they begin forming intimate relationships and starting families of their own, they find themselves struggling in ways they don’t quite understand.

They blow up at their kids, they wall themselves off from their partners, they have unhealthy conflicts with friends, coworkers or neighbors. They never drink a drop of alcohol or use another drug, and yet it feels like they are suddenly turning into their parents – they are slowly becoming that which they promised they would never become. What the hell is going on?

In this episode of the Man Rules podcast, Dr. Tian Dayton explains what’s going on and gives a ton of poignant and life-affirming advice on how to make peace with your past so you can experience peace in the present.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About Our Guest

Tian Dayton, MA, Ph.D., T.E.P is the director of The New York Psychodrama Training Institute where she runs training groups in psychodrama, sociometry and experiential group therapy. She served as Caron’s director of program development for eight years and Breathe’s for four. She was also a professor at NYU for eight years teaching psychodrama and currently sits on the Scientific Advisory Board for the National Association for Children of Alcoholics (NACoA). She is a fellow of the American Society of Psychodrama, Sociometry and Group Psychotherapy (ASGPP), and is the winner of their scholar’s award and the President’s award. She has served as Editor in Chief of the Journal of Psychodrama, Sociometry and Group Psychotherapy for ten years and as an executive editor for eight, she sits on the professional standards committee. She is also the winner of The Mona Mansell Award and The Ackermann Black Award for her contributions to the field of addiction.

Dr. Dayton has been a guest expert on NBC, CNN, MSNBC, Montel, Rikki Lake, John Walsh, and Geraldo. She is the author of fifteen books including, Neuropsychodrama in the Treatment of Relational Trauma, The ACoA Trauma Syndrome: How Childhood Trauma Impacts Adult Relationships, Emotional Sobriety: From Relationship Trauma to Resilience and Balance, Trauma and Addiction: Ending the Cycle of Pain Through Emotional Literacy, Heartwounds : The Impact of Unresolved Trauma and Grief on Relationships, Forgiving and Moving On , The Living Stage: A Step by Step Guide to Psychodrama and Experiential Therapy, The Magic of Forgiveness. She is also a Huffington Post blogger and a Thrive Global blogger. Her films and videos include The Process, A 73 Minute award-winning docudrama that uses Psychodrama to tell stories of addicts; Adult Children of Alcoholics, Trauma and The Body: A Psychodramatic Approach and Healing Childhood Abuse through Psychodrama. She is also a certified Montessori teacher and a Senior Fellow at The Meadows. For more information about Dr. Dayton, visit www.tiandayton.com

Mentioned in this Episode

Emotional Sobriety, Book by Tian Dayton

ACoA Trauma Syndrome, Book by Tian Dayton

I’ll Quit Tomorrow, Book by Vernon Johnson

ACoA or ACA

ACA Laundry List

Eugene O’Neill – “The past becomes the present.”

ACES Study

Dr. Rob Anda (ACES Study)

12 Step Programs

THRIVE workshop at The Meadows

Survivors workshops at The Meadows

Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse (Family Roles)

Psychodrama

Addiction and Recovery Resources

Reliable resources for learning more about addiction and finding help for yourself, a friend, or a family member.

General Information about Addiction

SAMHSA – Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Association

Facing Addiction

Shatterproof

For People with Substance Addictions

Alcoholics Anonymous

Narcotics Anonymous

SMART Recovery

For Families and Friends of People with Substance Addictions

Al-Anon

SMART Recovery Family and Friends

Adult Children of Alcoholics

Partnership for Drug-Free Kids

Network of Independent Interventionists

Association of Intervention Specialists

The post Episode 29: All in the Fam Damily – Dr. Tian Dayton on Emotional Sobriety and Adult Children of Addicted Families appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Humans have been suffering from and dying from addiction for hundreds of years, but in many ways we are still baffled by how to treat it, diagnose it, or even talk about it.

Where to begin?

In this week’s National Recovery Month episode of The Man Rules podcast, Dr. Kevin McCauley joins host Dan Griffin to untangle some of the confusing paradoxes of addiction and recovery.

And if it’s an issue that you’re grappling with yourself – in whatever form – these practical and tactical tips might be a good place to start.

Practical & Tactical Tips

1. To prevent your brain from getting hijacked by addiction, practice good dopamine health. Examine your relationship with all manner of alluring substances and processes— even smartphones.
2. If you’re trying to help someone with an addiction, recognize that the way people who are addicted experience the world is different. Even if the solution to their problems seems simple to you, it is not so simple for them. Try to get them to a doctor, counselor, or therapist who specializes in addiction.
3. If you are struggling with addiction, know that social connectedness will help you get through the process of recovery. Clarifying your values, making amends, and repairing damage is an important part of recovery, and people who have been there before can help you with that.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About Our Guest

Kevin McCauley, MD was a Naval Flight Surgeon with the Third Marine Air Wing

when he became addicted to opioid pain relievers. Following his court-martial and incarceration at Fort Leavenworth and subsequent treatment he began lecturing on the neuroscience of addiction. He wrote and directed the film “Pleasure Unwoven” used by many treatment centers to explain the brain disease of addiction. Currently, he travels between his home in Honolulu and Utah where he is the Director of Program Services at New Roads Behavioral Health. He is also a Senior Fellow at The Meadows.

Mentioned on This Episode

2016 Men in Recovery Project (Video Series)

Everything You Think You Know About Addiction is Wrong (Johann Hari TED Talk)

How Science is Unlocking the Secrets of Addiction (National Geographic)

Carl Hart

Howard Wetsman, MD

Mark Gold, MD

ProtectingSobriety.com (The Institute for Addiction Study)

Pleasure Unwoven (Movie)

Memo to Self (Movie)

Addiction & Recovery Resources

Reliable resources for learning more about addiction and finding help for yourself, a friend, or a family member.

General Information about Addiction

SAMHSA – Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Association

Facing Addiction

Shatterproof

For People with Substance Addictions

Alcoholics Anonymous

Narcotics Anonymous

SMART Recovery

For Families and Friends of People with Substance Addictions

Al-Anon

SMART Recovery Family and Friends

Adult Children of Alcoholics

Partnership for Drug-Free Kids

Network of Independent Interventionists

Association of Intervention Specialists

The post Practical & Tactical Tips: Hey Addiction, WTF?! (Episode 27) appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Some people use every drug there is, and nothing happens. They can walk away. So why can’t those others? Are they just bad, selfish people who lack morals and values? Or, are they people struggling with a chronic illness?

Clear as mud.

With addiction currently affecting the lives of 23.5 million Americans— not counting the friends and family of those addicted, who are also deeply affected by the disease— how can we have so little clarity about what addiction actually is or how to “cure” it?

In this episode, Dr. Kevin McCauley, a former Naval flight surgeon who is himself in recovery from opioid addiction, explains how something as fundamental as human choice can become part of a disease process. In a refreshingly down-to-earth way, he explains how our brains respond to the most enticing of human phenomena, pleasurable experiences, and how the system that creates those experiences can break, leading to addiction— Sometimes. Hey addiction! Seriously, WTF!

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About Our Guest

Kevin McCauley, MD was a Naval Flight Surgeon with the Third Marine Air Wing

when he became addicted to opioid pain relievers. Following his court-martial and incarceration at Fort Leavenworth and subsequent treatment he began lecturing on the neuroscience of addiction. He wrote and directed the film “Pleasure Unwoven” used by many treatment centers to explain the brain disease of addiction. Currently, he travels between his home in Honolulu and Utah where he is the Director of Program Services at New Roads Behavioral Health. He is also a Senior Fellow at The Meadows.

Mentioned on This Episode

2016 Men in Recovery Project (Video Series)

Everything You Think You Know About Addiction is Wrong (Johann Hari TED Talk)

How Science is Unlocking the Secrets of Addiction (National Geographic)

Carl Hart

Howard Wetsman, MD

Mark Gold, MD

ProtectingSobriety.com (The Institute for Addiction Study)

Pleasure Unwoven (Movie)

Memo to Self (Movie)

Addiction & Recovery Resources

Reliable resources for learning more about addiction and finding help for yourself, a friend, or a family member.

General Information about Addiction

SAMHSA – Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Association

Facing Addiction

Shatterproof

For People with Substance Addictions

Alcoholics Anonymous

Narcotics Anonymous

SMART Recovery

For Families and Friends of People with Substance Addictions

Al-Anon

SMART Recovery Family and Friends

Adult Children of Alcoholics

Partnership for Drug-Free Kids

Network of Independent Interventionists

Association of Intervention Specialists

The post Episode 27: Hey, Addiction! WTF? appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Your intense attraction to this person must be love. So, you enter into a relationship. Soon, your dream lover morphs into a bit of a nightmare. They’re a bottomless pit of need– full of unreasonable expectations, vicious insults, and insane demands. Your own needs and wishes don’t seem to matter to this person at al l… So, you leave, right?

Well … Not, if you suffer from what psychologist Ross Rosenberg calls “self-love deficiency disorder.” Men struggling with it tend to be attracted to narcissists like moths to flame. They stay in relationships with narcissists, no matter how poorly they’re treated, because of an inability to recognize their own inherent worthiness. They feel, subconsciously, that they have to constantly prove that they are worthy of love by sacrificing their own needs and desires for the love of someone else.  

But, wait. Isn’t this whole self-sacrifice-in-the-name-of-love thing kind of… girly? Aren’t most men egomaniacs? How can they suffer from a lack of self-love? Dan and Ross explain all of that and more, and offer up some great resources for men who find themselves trapped in the endless cycle of pathological care-giving, addiction, and shame.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About Our Guest

Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC, CSAT has been a psychotherapist since 1988.  He is a distinguished international speaker, writer, trainer,consultant, and expert in the addiction/sex addiction codependency, narcissism, and trauma fields.  He owns ClinicalCare Consultants, a multi-location Chicago suburb counseling center, and Self-Love Recovery Institute, formerly Advanced Clinical Trainers.

Ross wrote the highly acclaimed and best-selling book “The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us,” which draws on his own codependency recovery and 30 years of experience in the mental health, social service, and child welfare fields.  It has been published in both French and Spanish.

Ross is an internationally renowned psychotherapist, speaker, and trainer, who has presented in 27 states and twice in Europe.  Because of his YouTube channel, his work has gone globally viral. Of the more than 6.0 million total views, 4 million have been in the last two years. His current subscriber base is at 53,000 and is growing at 23K a year.

Mentioned In This Episode

Ross’s YouTube Channel

Human Magnet Syndrome (Book)

Spanish Human Magnet Syndrome (Book)

Self-Love Recovery Institute  

About The Man Rules Podcast Host, Dan Griffin

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. His work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. His professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous. Dan grew up in the DC area and lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Nancy, and his daughter, Grace, and has been in long-term recovery from addiction since he graduated college in May of 1994.

The post Episode 26: Self-Love Is So Unmanly! Ross Rosenberg on Narcissism, Addiction, and Self-Love Deficiency in Men appeared first on Dan Griffin.

If you’re one of the lucky six out of seven, most of the stories you’ve heard about addiction are probably tragic. Advocacy organizations and government agencies often gather up their sobering statistics, like the one we shared above, and toss them out to the news media, with the hope that spreading the word about the dangers of the disease might help prevent more people from succumbing to addiction, and might garner more support for research and treatment from the general public. These are worthy goals, the pain and tragedy of addiction is real, and those stories need to be told— But, it’s only one side of the story.

In honor of National Recovery Month, we’ll be exploring the other side of the story. There are millions of people, like Dan, for whom recovery from addiction is an everyday part of life. They are people who have been able to free themselves from what once seemed a very hopeless situation. People who have helped restore their families by clearing a path to healing. People who are making larger contributions to their communities.

Everyone knows someone who suffers from a substance use disorder. And, chances are, if you are not in recovery yourself, you know someone who is. Even if you feel pretty certain that you don’t know anyone in recovery— trust us—you probably do. (Those 12-step programs all have the word “Anonymous” in their names for a reason.) That is what we are celebrating this month.

When you start to consider how many addicted people have found a way to beat the odds and live happy, full, productive, and joyful lives in spite of their struggles, the story of addiction becomes one of triumph rather than tragedy.
To help us celebrate National Recovery Month, go to Dan’s Facebook page and share your own story of recovery, if you have one. Let people who are currently in the throes of their addictions know that there is hope. Recovery is a reality for millions in our country and we want to make sure that reality outshines our society’s seeming obsession with addiction and the often sad truth of its destruction. For this month, let’s make the celebration of recovery the loudest message and let it ring throughout the rest of the year.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About The Man Rules Podcast Host, Dan Griffin

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. His work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. His professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous. Dan grew up in the DC area and lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Nancy, and his daughter, Grace, and has been in long-term recovery from addiction since he graduated college in May of 1994.

Resources

Facing Addiction

Faces of Voices of Recovery

A Man’s Way Through Relationships

A Man’s Way Through The 12 Steps

Helping Men Recover

Griffin Recovery Enterprises

The Meadows Senior Fellows

The post Episode 25: I Learned It By Watching You – Dan on the Realities of Addiction & Recovery appeared first on Dan Griffin.

And so it is with Jason Hewlett, a man whose incredible facial acrobatics, spot-on impressions, and commitment to his own personal integrity breathes new life into the most overused of metaphors. In this episode, Jason explains how “The Promise” that you make to yourself has to be like the promise that the best entertainers make to their audiences: 1.) That they will commit 100 percent to their craft each time they get up on a stage, and 2.) That they will openly and fearlessly share their talents and “signature moves” for the enjoyment and benefit of others.

He and Dan also talk about the price of going after fame, fortune, and material success, and what it takes to walk away from it.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About Our Guest

Having delivered hundreds of presentations for frontline and leadership motivation, Jason Hewlett combines message, authenticity, humor, music, and impersonations. His talk feels like a show with a message, or a keynote speech with entertainment. Few presenters can match the level of laughs, energy and appropriate material for any audience. Jason is the author of the Facebook post entitled, “ I Saw My Wife at Target Today”, which has been seen by more than 100 million people. A recent, and one of the youngest inductees into the Speakers Hall of Fame, his talks address goal setting and the engagement experience, from the perspective of a Promise. Find out more about Jason at jasonhewlett.com.

About The Man Rules Podcast Host, Dan Griffin

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. His work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. His professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous. Dan grew up in the DC area and lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Nancy, and his daughter, Grace, and has been in long-term recovery from addiction since he graduated college in May of 1994.

Mentioned On This Episode

Jason Hewlett as a velociraptor (YouTube)

Jason Hewlett’s facial exercises (YouTube)

The Promise of Sharing Your Gift (Excerpt from Jason’s keynote on YouTube)

The post Episode 24: An Eyebrow-Raising Approach to Personal Success – Jason Hewlett on Personal Integrity and ‘The Promise’ appeared first on Dan Griffin.

But oddly, despite the fact that financial concerns underpin our entire society, money remains a taboo topic. Luckily for listeners of The Man Rules podcast, Dan and his Deep Dive Guys are willing to go there.

Listen in to this week’s episode as Dan and friends Tim Walsh and Michael Dinneen open up about their thoughts, feelings, and deepest secrets involving all things money.

If you’re willing to reexamine your own relationship with money and find the true meaning of financial freedom, this week’s tips are a great place to start.

Practical & Tactical Tips

Dan: Look for the original wound you have pertaining to money. (e.g., Your parent’s relationship to money, and how they provided–or didn’t provide–for you.) Cultivate a spiritual awareness of your own relationship with money.

Tim: Step out into the wilderness more often. Spending time in nature will help you see and understand the meaning of abundance.

Michael: Get out there and get a Powerball ticket! [He’s kidding… We think.]

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!
[iframe style=”border:none” src=”//html5-player.libsyn.com/embed/episode/id/5684182/height/90/width/480/thumbnail/yes/render-playlist/no/theme/custom/tdest_id/515453/custom-color/#87A93A” height=”90″ width=”480″ scrolling=”no” allowfullscreen webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen oallowfullscreen msallowfullscreen]

About The Deep Dive Guys

For more information about Tim Walsh, check out his website timwalshconsulting.com. And, you can find Michael Dinneen on LinkedIn.

About The Man Rules Podcast Host, Dan Griffin

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. His work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. His professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous. Dan grew up in the DC area and lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Nancy, and his daughter, Grace, and has been in long-term recovery from addiction since he graduated college in May of 1994.

Mentioned in This Episode

Earn What You Deserve (Book)

Brené Brown on Scarcity and Abundance (Inc.com article)

The post Practical & Tactical Tips: The Deep Dive Guys Start Making Cents (Episode 23) appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Act now and you’ll also receive:

• The Deep Dive Guys’ thoughts on The Man Rule that requires a man to be the primary financial provider for his family
• A discussion of the shame many men feel when their wife or female partner makes more money than them
• The guys’ best tips on how to free yourself from a scarcity mindset and status anxiety.

All of which are guaranteed — well, almost guaranteed — to help you understand the true meaning of value and abundance and improve your relationship with money.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!
[iframe style=”border:none” src=”//html5-player.libsyn.com/embed/episode/id/5684182/height/90/width/480/thumbnail/yes/render-playlist/no/theme/custom/tdest_id/515453/custom-color/#87A93A” height=”90″ width=”480″ scrolling=”no” allowfullscreen webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen oallowfullscreen msallowfullscreen]

About The Deep Dive Guys

For more information about Tim Walsh, check out his website timwalshconsulting.com. And, you can find Michael Dinneen on LinkedIn.

About The Man Rules Podcast Host, Dan Griffin

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. His work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. His professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous. Dan grew up in the DC area and lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Nancy, and his daughter, Grace, and has been in long-term recovery from addiction since he graduated college in May of 1994.

Mentioned in This Episode

Earn What You Deserve (Book)

Brené Brown on Scarcity and Abundance (Inc.com article)

The post Episode 22: The Deep Dive Guys Start Making Cents! Dan Griffin, Tim Walsh, and Michael Dinneen Talk Money appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Unfortunately for the latter group, time marches on and takes its outdated ideas about masculinity and femininity along with it. And, according to author and diversity expert Jack Myers, Gen-Z is leading the charge. On this episode of the podcast he and host Dan Griffin talk about generational shifts in attitudes toward gender norms and relationships, educational and professional realities for Gen-Z and Millennial men, how young men are (and are not) being supported in their growth and ambition, the impact of media on our perceptions of men and masculinity, and much more.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About Our Guest

Jack Myers, author of The Future of Men: Masculinity in the Twenty-First Century, is a recognized cultural visionary, award-winning documentary film producer, advisor to hundreds of leading corporations on media and technology trends, and founder of MediaVillage.com, WomenAdvancing.org and 1stFive.org. He is also author of a guide to Generation-Z: Hooked Up: A New Generation’s Surprising Take on Sex, Politics and Saving the World, winner of the International Book Award for Youth Issues. His prescient insights and counsel make him one of the foremost global experts on the impact of technological advances on culture, society, business, advertising, marketing and human connections. He has been honored with a George Foster Peabody Award and Academy and Emmy Award nominations for Best Documentary Feature. His TEDWomen Talk can be viewed at www.futureofmen.com and you can follow him at www.jackmyers.com.

About The Man Rules Podcast Host, Dan Griffin

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. His work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. His professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous. Dan grew up in the DC area and lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Nancy, and his daughter, Grace, and has been in long-term recovery from addiction since he graduated college in May of 1994.

Mentioned On This Episode

The Future of Men: Masculinity in the Twenty-First Century (Book)

Hooked Up: A New Generation’s Surprising Take on Sex, Politics and Saving the World (Book)

The Women’s Movement

Generation Z

Homer Simpson

Peter Griffin

Nurse Jackie

Jack Myers TED Women Talk

The post Episode 22: The Generational Gender Shift — Jack Myers On Gen Z & Masculinity appeared first on Dan Griffin.

But what if – just like The Man Rules and The Woman Rules – The Adult Rules were made to be broken?

Jason Kotecki and his partner in crime, Kim, have made it their mission to make adulthood just as inspiring, joyous, and freewheeling as childhood for men and women around the world. Through art, books, their Escaping Adulthood retreat and more, they’re happily working to cure the epidemic of “adultitis.”

The couple joined host Dan Griffin this week on The Man Rules podcast to explain the crucial difference between being childlike and childish, and how to bring the creative spark of childhood into your life today.

Check out the full episode below, and if you’re inspired to shake your own “adultitis,” start with these three simple steps.

Practical & Tactical Tips

1. Tinker. (Don’t be afraid to try new things.)
2. Ask yourself, “What’s one thing I can do to make this a little bit better?” (“This” can be your marriage, your parenting, friendships, work, etc.)
3. Track your stats. What’s most important to you in terms of leading a fun and happy life? Rounds of golf per year? Number of dates with your partner per year? Number of bedtime stories you read to your kids per year?

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About Our Guest

Jason Kotecki is a professional reminder-er and permission granter who moonlights as an artist, author and professional speaker. Jason and his wife Kim have made it their mission in life to help people and organizations break free from Adultitis to build better lives, businesses, and teams. Jason’s colorful art has been collected and licensed all over the world, and his insights have been featured in publications like Inc. and Woman’s Day. He is the author of six books, including Penguins Can’t Fly + 39 Other Rules That Don’t Exist, which has been translated into languages he can’t even read. As a speaker, Jason works with organizations to beat burnout and become more innovative by breaking rules that don’t exist. Ultimately, Jason creates art, observations, and experiences that give people hope and the freedom to live joyfully. His greatest desire is to use his talents to share God’s love and impact lives by inspiring, entertaining and encouraging people to rekindle their childlike spirit and create the life they were made for. An avid eater of sugar-laden cereal, Jason enjoys Star Wars, soft t-shirts, and brand new tubes of paint. He and Kim homeschool their three weird kids and live in Madison, Wisconsin where they eat way too many cheese curds. You can find Jason at http://escapeadulthood.com, on Facebook at http://facebook.com/escapeadulthood and on Twitter and Instagram as @escapeadulthood

Let him know what you thought of the podcast and include us too!

About The Man Rules Podcast Host, Dan Griffin

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. His work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. His professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous. Dan grew up in the DC area and lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Nancy, and his daughter, Grace, and has been in long-term recovery from addiction since he graduated college in May of 1994.

Mentioned on this Episode

The Kid (movie)

Escape Adulthood Summit

Homer Simpson

Archie Bunker

Brene Brown

Pia Mellody

Penguins Can’t Fly (book)

Family Systems Theory

The post Practical & Tactical Tips: The Games We Play & Escaping Adulthood (Episode 21) appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Thankfully, Jason Kotecki and his partner in crime, Kim, are here to save us from getting too sucked in to the suckage of adulting. He suggests that instead of putting away all of our childhood things, we hang on the creativity, curiosity, and openness that makes childhood such a special and significant stage in our lives. He and Dan talk about how The Man (and Woman) Rules might impact a man’s ability to play and have fun, to take your responsibilities seriously without taking yourself too seriously, the important differences between being childlike and childish, and how being an adult can mean learning how to play your own game.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About Our Guest

Jason Kotecki is a professional reminder-er and permission granter who moonlights as an artist, author and professional speaker. Jason and his wife Kim have made it their mission in life to help people and organizations break free from Adultitis to build better lives, businesses, and teams. Jason’s colorful art has been collected and licensed all over the world, and his insights have been featured in publications like Inc. and Woman’s Day. He is the author of six books, including Penguins Can’t Fly + 39 Other Rules That Don’t Exist, which has been translated into languages he can’t even read. As a speaker, Jason works with organizations to beat burnout and become more innovative by breaking rules that don’t exist. Ultimately, Jason creates art, observations, and experiences that give people hope and the freedom to live joyfully. His greatest desire is to use his talents to share God’s love and impact lives by inspiring, entertaining and encouraging people to rekindle their childlike spirit and create the life they were made for. An avid eater of sugar-laden cereal, Jason enjoys Star Wars, soft t-shirts, and brand new tubes of paint. He and Kim homeschool their three weird kids and live in Madison, Wisconsin where they eat way too many cheese curds. You can find Jason at http://escapeadulthood.com, on Facebook at http://facebook.com/escapeadulthood and on Twitter and Instagram as @escapeadulthood

Let him know what you thought of the podcast and include us too!

About The Man Rules Podcast Host, Dan Griffin

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. His work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. His professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous. Dan grew up in the DC area and lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Nancy, and his daughter, Grace, and has been in long-term recovery from addiction since he graduated college in May of 1994.

Mentioned on this Episode

The Kid (movie)

Escape Adulthood Summit

Homer Simpson

Archie Bunker

Brene Brown

Pia Mellody

Penguins Can’t Fly (book)

Family Systems Theory

The post Episode 21: The Games We Play – Escaping Adulthood with Jason Kotecki appeared first on Dan Griffin.

But is that really a good thing?

Dan sat down with Dr. Robert Jensen this week to explore the implications of porn for individuals and our culture at large, especially considering its role in male-dominated power systems.

“There’s nothing wrong with human beings using our creative capacities to explore the complexity of life …” Dr. Jensen says, “but there’s a difference between using our artisit and creative capacities and pornography.”

“It might be … that our sexual explorations are better conducted with real-live people and not through this mass-mediated channel.”

If you’re ready to reexamine your relationship with porn, these practical and tactical tips are a great star.

Practical & Tactical Tips

1. Instead of asking yourself what kind of man you want to be ask yourself what kind of human you want to be. Free yourself from worrying so much about what it means to be a man.
2. If you’re using porn, ask yourself why. Is something missing in your life or in your intimate relationships?  What are some ways you could find what you’re missing outside of pornography?
3. Think about what gets you aroused. Is it connected in some way to ideas of male power? What does that mean?

Listen the full episode here:

Please SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About Our Guest

Robert Jensen is a professor in the School of Journalism at the University of Texas at Austin and a board member of the Third Coast Activist Resource Center in Austin and the national group Culture Reframed. He is the author of The End of Patriarchy: Radical Feminism for Men (Spinifex Press, 2017). Jensen’s other books include Plain Radical: Living, Loving, and Learning to Leave the Planet Gracefully (Counterpoint/Soft Skull, 2015); Arguing for Our Lives: A User’s Guide to Constructive Dialogue (City Lights, 2013); All My Bones Shake: Seeking a Progressive Path to the Prophetic Voice, (Soft Skull Press, 2009); Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity (South End Press, 2007); The Heart of Whiteness: Confronting Race, Racism and White Privilege (City Lights, 2005); Citizens of the Empire: The Struggle to Claim Our Humanity (City Lights, 2004); and Writing Dissent: Taking Radical Ideas from the Margins to the Mainstream (Peter Lang, 2002). Jensen is also co-producer of the documentary film “Abe Osheroff: One Foot in the Grave, the Other Still Dancing” (Media Education Foundation, 2009), which chronicles the life and philosophy of the longtime radical activist.  An extended interview Jensen conducted with Osheroff is online . Jensen can be reached at [email protected] and his articles can be found online at http://robertwjensen.org/.

Mentioned in this Episode

Getting Off: Pornography and The End of Masculinity

The End of Patriarchy: Radical Feminism for Men

Candida Royalle

The post Practical & Tactical Tips: Power, Porn, and Patriarchy (Episode 20) appeared first on Dan Griffin.

No, really. Try.

What do you think would happen if you did turn off the porn for a while? Would you start to think more about the role that sex plays in your life? Would you learn more about yourself and your sexuality by spending more time exploring your own body and your partner’s (or partners’)? Would you start to question whether your sex life has really been enhanced by porn? Would you start to wonder if porn had left you feeling alienated from others and from yourself?

If you hadn’t wondered about any of this before, we can guarantee that you will after listening to this episode. Dan and Dr. Robert Jensen, author and professor at The University of Texas, have a very frank and challenging conversation about pornography and its role in reinforcing patriarchal power dynamics, which contend that all human relationships must be structured around domination and subordination. Dr. Jensen argues for a future in which both men and women can break free from these destructive patterns in their lives and relationships.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About Our Guest

Robert Jensen is a professor in the School of Journalism at the University of Texas at Austin and a board member of the Third Coast Activist Resource Center in Austin and the national group Culture Reframed. He is the author of The End of Patriarchy: Radical Feminism for Men (Spinifex Press, 2017). Jensen’s other books include Plain Radical: Living, Loving, and Learning to Leave the Planet Gracefully (Counterpoint/Soft Skull, 2015); Arguing for Our Lives: A User’s Guide to Constructive Dialogue (City Lights, 2013); All My Bones Shake: Seeking a Progressive Path to the Prophetic Voice, (Soft Skull Press, 2009); Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity (South End Press, 2007); The Heart of Whiteness: Confronting Race, Racism and White Privilege (City Lights, 2005); Citizens of the Empire: The Struggle to Claim Our Humanity (City Lights, 2004); and Writing Dissent: Taking Radical Ideas from the Margins to the Mainstream (Peter Lang, 2002). Jensen is also co-producer of the documentary film “Abe Osheroff: One Foot in the Grave, the Other Still Dancing” (Media Education Foundation, 2009), which chronicles the life and philosophy of the longtime radical activist.  An extended interview Jensen conducted with Osheroff is online . Jensen can be reached at [email protected] and his articles can be found online at http://robertwjensen.org/.

About The Man Rules Podcast Host, Dan Griffin

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. His work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. His professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous. Dan grew up in the DC area and lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Nancy, and his daughter, Grace, and has been in long-term recovery from addiction since he graduated college in May of 1994.

Mentioned in this Episode

Getting Off: Pornography and The End of Masculinity

The End of Patriarchy: Radical Feminism for Men

Candida Royalle

The post Episode 20: Power, Porn, and Patriarchy – Dr. Robert Jensen on Sex & Masculinity appeared first on Dan Griffin.

According to poet Rick Belden, the Mother Wound is “an injury to the psyche of a child, resulting from significant dysfunction or disruption of a relationship with the mother. In some cases, it is the result of a mother’s absence, or unavailability due to death, illness, adoption or other circumstances that dramatically separate a child from the mother. But more typically, a Mother Wound is a complex of injuries the child’s psyche received over many years, often as a result of the mother acting consciously or not out of her own woundedness.”

The Mother Wound can manifest in so many ways, but Rick told Dan, “One of the most severe kinds of psychic wounding occurs when the child’s primary function in the relationship is to be used by the mother to meet her own narcissistic needs.”

Where can you even begin healing trauma that is so deep, so complex, and so painful? Be sure to listen to the full episode for Dan and Rick’s insight, but these tips are a good start.

Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Is it acceptable for you feel angry with or critical of your mother?
2. Do you feel like it’s okay to tell your mother “no” when she wants something, including your time and attention?
3. How do you feel after you’ve interacted with her? How do you feel the next day?

Bonus: Write a letter to your mother from the perspective of yourself as a child or adolescent.

Listen to the full episode here:

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app! And please leave us a review while you’re at it.

About Our Guest

Rick Belden is a respected explorer and chronicler of the psychology and inner lives of men. He has been writing for most of his life and has been using creative expression, dreamwork, personal mythology, and listening to the body as tools for self-healing since 1989.

His book, Iron Man Family Outing: Poems about Transition into a More Conscious Manhood, is widely used in the United States and internationally by therapists, counselors, and men’s groups as an aid in the exploration of masculine psychology and men’s issues, and as a resource for men who grew up in dysfunctional, abusive, or neglectful family systems.

Rick’s poetry and essays have appeared in multiple books and on numerous websites around the world, reaching an international audience of many thousands of men and women. He helps men who are feeling stuck get their lives moving again by drawing on over 25 years of experience exploring men’s issues, masculine psychology, and recovery from abuse.

He lives in Austin, Texas.

About The Man Rules Podcast Host, Dan Griffin

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. His work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. His professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous. Dan grew up in the DC area and lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Nancy, and his daughter, Grace, and has been in long-term recovery from addiction since he graduated college in May of 1994.

Mentioned in This Episode

Rick Belden’s Poetry

Rick Belden on The Huffington Post

Terry Real (See also: Episode 4)

The post Practical & Tactical Tips: Healing The Mother Wound (Episode 19) appeared first on Dan Griffin.

If you find yourself lashing out in ways that you don’t understand and certainly never expected, there’s hope. You don’t have to live that way any more.

Dan explores the roots of anger issues — and how to heal them — in this week’s episode of The Man Rules podcast.

For more help, check out some of the great resources below.

And please SUBSCRIBE to The Man Rules on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app, if you haven’t already!

Where to Find Help with Anger

Therapy, Treatment and Workshops:

Psychology Today – Find a Therapist

Bridges to Recovery

The Meadows – Residential Treatment and Workshops

Onsite Workshops

The Mankind Project

Information:

NIMH – Men and Mental Health

EMDR.org

A Call to Men

Remaking Manhood (See also: Episode 9)

Terry Real (See also: Episode 4)

John Lee (See also: Episode 6)

Dan Griffin (See also: Episodes 1, 11, and 19)

About The Man Rules Podcast Host, Dan Griffin

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. His work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. His professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous. Dan grew up in the DC area and lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Nancy, and his daughter, Grace, and has been in long-term recovery from addiction since he graduated college in May of 1994.

The post Practical & Tactical Tips: Where To Find Help With Anger (Episode 18) appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Many men live day in and day out hurting in ways they can’t explain. As a result, they sometimes react with anger, hostility and even violence to the people they are closest to, without really understanding why. They love their partners and their children. They don’t want them to feel belittled, scared, or disconnected from them, but their behavior is causing just that. They never pictured themselves turning into the kind of guy who _____________, and yet…

If you can identify with any of this, you need to get some help. And, on Episode 18 of The Man Rules podcast, Dan explains all the reasons why. You might think that it’s all your fault and that you’re just rotten to the core and that nothing can be done about it. But that’s not true. While you might never be “fixed” completely, you can get better. Besides, you don’t need to be “fixed” so much as to Discover, Uncover, and Recover. It’s a long ass journey, but it’s one worth taking.

So, talk to someone. At least one other person you trust. Tell them the truth about what’s happening in your life. Let them help you find a counselor, therapist, or treatment program, if need be. It may take all of your courage, but you can face what’s hurting you, tame it, and possibly even befriend it.

As cheesy as it sounds, you deserve to love, and to have all of you loved–the best and the worst of you. Does reading that last sentence make you uncomfortable? That’s because it’s definitely against the Man Rules. And that’s a huge reason Dan wrote A Man’s Way Through Relationships. It’s one of very few books written to help men navigate the most important experiences of their lives: intimate relationships.

Mindfulness expert Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn has said, “As long as you’re breathing, there’s more right with you than wrong with you, no matter how ill or hopeless you feel.” And, with a little help, you can find what’s right and use it to change what’s wrong.

SUBSCRIBE to The Man Rules on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About The Man Rules Podcast Host, Dan Griffin

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. His work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. His professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous. Dan grew up in the DC area and lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Nancy, and his daughter, Grace, and has been in long-term recovery from addiction since he graduated college in May of 1994.

The post Episode 18: What’s Wrong With You? Men & Anger appeared first on Dan Griffin.

There is no doubt that social expectations for men have changed dramatically in the last few decades. But, guidance for men on how they can meet those expectations has not kept pace with the changes.

The mantra of The Man Rules podcast is, “Don’t let The Rules rule you.” Show up however you want in your life, but do it consciously. Do it because it is reflective of who you want to be. Not because of the lie that says, “This is just how men are.”

RECAP: What are The Man Rules?

The Man Rules are the ideas, behaviors, and expectations that make up our ideas on what it means to be a real man. These ideas come from many different sources and can often be contradictory. They can also be confusing.

In fact, the dominant mental state that most men find themselves in today is one of confusion. Whether you are 16 years old or 60 years old these are disorienting—but also amazing and exciting—times we live in. There have never been more possibilities for who we can be in this world.

One of the biggest challenges men have to face before they can embrace these new possibilities lies in seeing how The Man Rules are so deeply ingrained in our lives. They rule us and shape our behavior in dozens of imperceptible ways.

As boys, we were not given choices when it came to The Man Rules. Nobody sat us down with the list of Man Rules and asked us which ones we wanted to follow, which ones caused us pain, and which ones brought us joy. No one explained that The Man Rules may actually appear to serve us well at times and to severely fail us at other times.

After years of having conversations with men and hearing the pain that following these rules has had on their lives and in their relationships, it is clear that we must learn how to see The Rules for what they are and how to choose, moment by moment, to be the men we want to be.

Redefining Masculinity

I have dedicated my work and life to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. I am dedicated to helping men be better men by helping them to see the impact of The Man Rules on their lives. I want men to find the success, satisfaction, and personal fulfillment they long for in their personal and professional lives.

My last book, A Man’s Way through Relationships, was the first book written specifically to help men create healthy relationships while navigating the challenges of the “Man Rules. As important as relationships are to all of us and despite how much the expectations for men in relationships — as fathers and partners, especially — have changed, there is still surprisingly little enlightened and compassionate advice available to help us navigate this new territory successfully. THAT is what The Man Rules podcast is all about.

Each week, I will be sharing my own journey toward being the best man, father, partner, and friend I can be. I call it “conscious masculinity.” I will invite guests on the show to have provocative, deep, and vulnerable conversations about life and love.

I believe that vulnerability is the key that allows men to free themselves from the bondage of The Man Rules. The Catch-22, of course, is that one of the most powerful Man Rules tells us that real men are not vulnerable. And THAT is the rub! I will do my best to model vulnerability by using my own life as an example of a conscious journey of success and failure.

Failing Forward

I have been married for 13 years. I have a beautiful wife and a beautiful daughter. I am in long-term recovery from addiction with over20 years on that amazing journey of healing and self-care. I have a more amazing life than I could have ever imagined. Or deserve.

I know I am blessed. And, yet, on a daily basis, I fail to be the father I want to be. I fail to be the partner I deeply desire to be. I fail to simply be the man in my community and in the world that I feel called to be.

As best as I can, I embrace that failure. Not perfectly by any means. I always say it is not about doing it perfectly, it is about doing it consciously. I know that the power of The Man Rules and the power they have had over my life are the biggest barrier to my finding the true happiness, peace, and love that everyone wants.

One day at a time, with the incredible support of amazing men and women in my life, I grow closer to being the man I truly believe I am meant to be. As the saying goes, I may not always be the best man I can be, but I far from the man I was. That is the journey I will share on this podcast.

The Man Rules podcast is about men having really honest conversations about being men in today’s society. There are no right answers. Your anger is as welcome as your joy and humor. It is a privilege to do this work. It is a passion of mine to help men and women have the tough conversations. I hope you will join me on this journey and share your own journey with me. Let’s show the world just how amazing men are.  

Where to Listen to The Man Rules Podcast

You can listen to the show online at www.themanrules.com or download it via iTunes, Stitcher or your favorite podcasting app.

Check out some of our great content here!

About The Host, Dan Griffin

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. His work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. His professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous. Dan grew up in the DC area and lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Nancy, and his daughter, Grace, and has been in long-term recovery from addiction since he graduated college in May of 1994.

Resources

A Man’s Way Through Relationships

A Man’s Way Through The 12 Steps

Helping Men Recover

Griffin Recovery Enterprises

The Meadows Senior Fellows

The post The Man Rules Podcast – A Recap appeared first on Dan Griffin.

From the pressure of impossible expectations, to the heartbreak of being rejected after coming out, gay men face their own set of challenges when deciphering the Man Rules and creating meaningful relationships with their fathers and themselves.

Doing so is a life’s work, but here are three quick tips to help along the way.

Practical and Tactical Tips

1. If you’re gay, come out to your dad. More often than not, it turns out to be a good thing.
2. Take the time to learn who your dad was before he became your father.
3. If you had a difficult relationship with your father, consider forgiveness – not as a way to excuse any bad behavior on his part, but as a way to move beyond your  own pain.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app! And please leave us a review while you’re at it.

About Our Guest

Milwaukee area native Tim Clausen is a jazz and blues pianist rooted in the great stride-piano tradition. Self-taught, his stylistic influences include jazz giants Erroll Garner, Art Tatum, Oscar Peterson, Tommy Flanagan, Ahmad Jamal, and Carl Perkins. Tim has been a featured pianist at many of Milwaukee’s finest restaurants, hotels, arts centers and special events, and he has performed at jazz engagements in Houston, Philadelphia and Paris, France. In his related work as jazz biographer, Tim has interviewed dozens of jazz legends while putting together musical histories on his two favorite jazz pianists, Erroll Garner and Dave Catney. Tim published his first book, Love Together, in 2014 and will be publishing his second book on gay men’s relationships with their fathers later in 2017.

Mentioned in This Episode

GoFundMe page for Tim’s upcoming book

Tim’s First Book, Love Together

Tim’s Website

Concert video clips

Tim’s paintings

The post Practical & Tactical Tips: Gay Men & Their Fathers (Episode 16) appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Dan and author Rick Belden talk about the father wound as a series of complex, emotional injuries to a child’s psyche over many years. Along the way, they share some of the insights they’ve gained in the process of forgiving their less-than-nurturing fathers, and offer some practical tips for beginning the process of facing and overcoming the pain.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About Our Guest

Rick Belden is a respected explorer and chronicler of the psychology and inner lives of men. He has been writing for most of his life and has been using creative expression, dreamwork, personal mythology, and listening to the body as tools for self-healing since 1989.

His book, Iron Man Family Outing: Poems about Transition into a More Conscious Manhood, is widely used in the United States and internationally by therapists, counselors, and men’s groups as an aid in the exploration of masculine psychology and men’s issues, and as a resource for men who grew up in dysfunctional, abusive, or neglectful family systems.

Rick’s poetry and essays have appeared in multiple books and on numerous websites around the world, reaching an international audience of many thousands of men and women. He helps men who are feeling stuck get their lives moving again by drawing on over 25 years of experience exploring men’s issues, masculine psychology, and recovery from abuse.

He lives in Austin, Texas.

Mentioned in This Episode

Rick Belden’s Website

Poem: My Father’s Body

Earnie Larsen

Rex McCann

Carl Jung

Pia Mellody

The Meadows

The post Episode 14: When His Best Was Not Enough — The Father Wound, with Rick Belden appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Modern fatherhood truly can be a daunting undertaking, since the expectations for dads are more fluid than ever before. As you create your own path, these tips might serve as helpful guideposts.

Practical and Tactical Tips

1. Focus on the quality, not the quantity, of time with your kids and spouse.
2. Consciously cultivate skills like empathy, negotiation, communication, and compromise.
3. Advocate for family-friendly policies on our jobs and in our government.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app!

About Our Guest

Jeremy Adam Smith is the author of The Daddy Shift: How Stay-at-Home Dads, Breadwinning Moms, and Shared Parenting are Transforming the American Family (Beacon Press, June 2009); co-editor of The Compassionate Instinct (WW Norton, January 2010); and co-editor of Are We Born Racist? (Beacon Press, August 2010). He is also the author of numerous essays, articles, and short stories for publications that include Mothering (magazine), San Francisco Chronicle, Wired (magazine), and Utne Reader. He blogs regularly for Mothering magazine, and is the founder of the blog Daddy Dialectic. Smith has also collaborated with the web show DadLabs to produce a series of segments on the science of fatherhood, and has appeared on Nightline, Forum with Michael Krasny, and other TV and radio shows. (From Wikipedia.)

About The Man Rules Podcast Host, Dan Griffin

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. His work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. His professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous. Dan grew up in the DC area and lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Nancy, and his daughter, Grace, and has been in long-term recovery from addiction since he graduated college in May of 1994.

Mentioned in This Episode

Greater Good Magazine

The Daddy Shift: How Stay-at-Home Dads, Breadwinning Moms, and Shared Parenting are Transforming the American Family

Rad Dad: Dispatches from the Frontiers of Fatherhood

The post Practical & Tactical Tips: Fear Of The Dad You Could Be (Episode 13) appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Our culture at large still hasn’t quite made up its mind about whether it is best for dads to be more traditionally masculine, or if they should be working toward a more balanced and flexible approach to fatherhood. On the plus side, this means that men get to decide for themselves what kinds of fathers they will be. On the other hand, having to make choices that will have a significant impact on who our children ultimately become can bring on a lot of uncertainty, fear, and anxiety.

In this episode, I sit down with author Jeremy Smith to encourage fathers to do some soul-searching — to decide what their goals are at every stage of their children’s lives, and to make conscious and intentional decisions that will help them be the kind of fathers their kids need them to be. We also discuss the challenges of parenting adolescents, the particular demands of being a stepfather, and how men can work to improve their listening skills, compassion, and communication.

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app!

About Our Guest

Jeremy Adam Smith is the author of The Daddy Shift: How Stay-at-Home Dads, Breadwinning Moms, and Shared Parenting are Transforming the American Family (Beacon Press, June 2009); co-editor of The Compassionate Instinct (WW Norton, January 2010); and co-editor of Are We Born Racist? (Beacon Press, August 2010). He is also the author of numerous essays, articles, and short stories for publications that include Mothering (magazine), San Francisco Chronicle, Wired (magazine), and Utne Reader. He blogs regularly for Mothering magazine, and is the founder of the blog Daddy Dialectic. Smith has also collaborated with the web show DadLabs to produce a series of segments on the science of fatherhood, and has appeared on Nightline, Forum with Michael Krasny, and other TV and radio shows. (From Wikipedia.)

Mentioned in This Episode

Greater Good Magazine

The Daddy Shift: How Stay-at-Home Dads, Breadwinning Moms, and Shared Parenting are Transforming the American Family

Rad Dad: Dispatches from the Frontiers of Fatherhood

The post Episode 13: Fear Of The Dad You Could Be, with Guest Jeremy Smith appeared first on Dan Griffin.

SUBSCRIBE to The Man Rules on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About Our Guest

Dr. Jon Caldwell has long been interested in the human condition. From osteopathic medical school to his current formal practice in Vipassana meditation, Dr. Caldwell has long approached health and wellness in a holistic manner. Dr. Caldwell completed his residency at the University of Utah, exploring the effects of childhood trauma on physical and psychological health. He completed specialty training and board certification in adult psychiatry, before completing PhD graduate studies in human development at the University of California at Davis, under the mentorship of renowned attachment researcher Phil Shaver (and others like Ross Thompson and Jay Belsky). Dr. Caldwell focused his study and research on how child maltreatment effects attachment relationships and the capacity for self-regulation, adaptation and resilience. He currently serves as Assistant Clinical Professor at the University of California at Davis, where he teaches students, interns, residents and clinicians about the effects of child maltreatment on health and wellbeing. He also is employed full-time at The Meadows of Wickenburg, a world-renowned treatment center for psychological trauma and addiction. In addition to his clinical work there, he writes for The Meadows blog, lectures locally and internationally, and conducts research on topics such as childhood trauma, attachment, emotion regulation, and mindfulness.

Mentioned In This Episode

Dr. Jon Caldwell

The Meadows

The post Episode 5: When Life Busts Your Balls, with Dr. Jon Caldwell appeared first on Dan Griffin.

Seriously, this guy has been a thought leader in helping men break out of the bondage of the Man Rules for three decades. If you care about men having fulfilling relationships that balance intimacy and vulnerability with genuine strength then you will learn a lot from his conversation with Dan in this episode.

He doesn’t mince words. He is direct with humor and compassion much like the relational approach to therapy that he has developed.

Terry wrote the first book calling attention to the epidemic of male depression, I Don’t Want to Talk About It. Sharing his own challenges with depression Terry broke the silence about men’s depression. Terry helped our culture to begin to understand that if you don’t pay attention to the Man Rules you will miss so much of men’s depression because it hides in men’s need not to be or look depressed.

It is against the Man Rules to be depressed because it is a weakness. I have a good friend struggling horribly with this right now. Like hundreds of thousands of men right now he has this story inside of him beating the sh@# out of him saying that he just needs to “Man up” and get off his ass. Meanwhile, his depression is tearing him apart piecemeal.

What’s great about Terry is that he doesn’t let men off the hook and he doesn’t let women off the hook. We all have a part to play in the relationships that don’t work. As Terry says, “Leading men and women into increased intimacy? Men have to open up their hearts and women have to open up their voices.”

SUBSCRIBE on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app! And please leave us a review while you’re at it.
[iframe style=”border:none” src=”//html5-player.libsyn.com/embed/episode/id/5347493/height/90/width/480/thumbnail/yes/render-playlist/no/theme/custom/tdest_id/515453/custom-color/#87A93A” height=”90″ width=”480″ scrolling=”no” allowfullscreen webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen oallowfullscreen msallowfullscreen]

The post Episode 4: Breaking the Code of Disconnection with Terry Real appeared first on Dan Griffin.

After the traumatic loss of his father at age 11, Allen developed a drinking problem, which led to him dropping out of high school in 9th grade, which led to him joining The Marine Corps at age 18, which led him to serve in Vietnam, which led to an addiction to narcotics, which led to him narrowly avoiding jail time by being one of the first soldiers to enroll in the U.S. military’s first addiction treatment program.

From there he began to shift his focus from The Armed Forces to the invisible forces that keep men stuck in their own emotional and spiritual prisons. He has been on a journey of self-examination and self-improvement ever since and has inspired many others to begin their own journeys.

He has spent time with many of the thought leaders who helped shape the first and second waves of the men’s movement and has been trained as a psychologist and therapist by some of the best mental health and addiction specialists in the world. Allen is a bestselling author and I am proud to also call him a good friend.

Don’t miss Allen’s Practical and Tactical tips for building better relationships. And, make sure you stick around until the end for the celebratory – and very spontaneous – drum circle led by two very special, surprise guests.

SUBSCRIBE to The Man Rules on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About Our Guest

Allen Berger, Ph.D., is an internationally recognized expert in family and couples therapy, and in the science of addiction and recovery. He is best known for his work on integrating modern psychotherapy with the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and for his insights into emotional sobriety. He is also recognized for his outstanding work as a psychotherapist and trainer.

He brings a highly unique background to his profession. His own personal journey in recovery started in 1971, on the beautiful island of Oahu, Hawaii. There he fell in love with recovery and with helping people find their way out of the abyss of addiction into the light of recovery. He overcame dropping out of high school, and received a doctorate in clinical psychology from UC Davis in 1987.He was trained and mentored by two brilliant clinicians: William C. Rader, M.D. and Walter Kempler, M.D..

He is the author of several journal articles as well as two books: Love Secrets – Revealed (HCI Books, 2006) and the Best Seller, 12 Stupid Things that Mess up Recovery (Hazelden, 2008)). His pamphlet How to Get the Most out of Group Therapy (Hazelden, 2007) helps new admissions understand the process of group therapy and how to use the group to optimize their experience in treatment.

His office is located in Southern California where he divides his time amongst private practice, teaching, writing and playing tennis.

Mentioned on The Show

The Men’s Movement

Warren Farrell

Robert Bly

Richard Rohr

Gestalt Therapy

What Men Would Tell You If They Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV

The post Episode Two: Can We Be Goofy & Still Be All Right? With Dr. Allen Berger appeared first on Dan Griffin.

But, it doesn’t have to be this way.

Men need a space where they can have real conversations about the unique challenges they face in today’s society – what frustrates us, what scares us, what confuses us, what gives us strength, what brings us joy, and what gives us hope for the future. We can learn so much about how to live the lives we truly want by hearing about one another’s successes and failures, and by getting real, actionable advice on life and relationships from men and women who aren’t afraid to get real.   

In this, the first episode of The Man Rules podcast, Dan provides a foundation for the journey you will take with him on the podcast by answering some of the questions you might have about the show:

Do we really need an entire podcast devoted to “The Man Rules?” (Yes.)

Aren’t The Man Rules really obvious to everyone and simple to follow? (No.)

What’s wrong with being a man? (Nothing.)

Are you going to try to tell us what it means to be a “real man?” (Yes and No.)

What the hell is “water?” (Great question. Listen to find out.)

SUBSCRIBE to The Man Rules on iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcasting app. And please leave us a review, if you haven’t already!

About The Man Rules Podcast Host, Dan Griffin

Dan Griffin, M.A., is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert on men’s relationships and masculinity. His work and life is dedicated to exploring and redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. Dan is dedicated to helping men be better men by understanding the impact of the Man Rules on their lives and finding the success in their personal lives they are striving for in the professional lives. His professional background includes over two decades in the mental health and addictions field. Dan earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from the University of Kansas where his graduate work was the first qualitative study centered on the social construction of masculinity in the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous. Dan grew up in the DC area and lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Nancy, and his daughter, Grace, and has been in long-term recovery from addiction since he graduated college in May of 1994.

Resources

A Man’s Way Through Relationships

A Man’s Way Through The 12 Steps

Helping Men Recover

Griffin Recovery Enterprises

The Meadows Senior Fellows

The post Episode 1: How’s The Water? A Man Rules Primer appeared first on Dan Griffin.

It doesn’t mean it is always boring, not by any stretch of the imagination. But, when you settle into a loving and committed relationship, you simply have to let go of the idea that love should always be exciting. Or that it should always feel good. Or you should always be having sex. OR—and perhaps this is the most important point—that our feelings alone should ever dictate our experience of love.

I was talking to a friend about his experiences with love. What was clear from our conversation was that he had an idea that many of us have been inculcated with since the day we were born: Love is supposed to be exciting. Always.

That is what countless movies and television shows have told us. In fact, the majority of those shows end with the excitement still going strong. Most of the screen time is spent on the guy (usually) chasing the girl (usually). The assumption is that the happiness and the excitement will continue perpetually. The ever sought after, and implicitly promised, happy ending (no, not that happy ending…okay maybe that one too) will happen. All you have to do is find the person and win their love.  

And there you have it: our culture’s idea about love that we have been drowning in for decades. But it is so much more complicated than that. 

The struggle that many men have just to be able to stay in a relationship can be significant. I have watched man after man struggle to accept love into his life, sometimes under the guise of thinking there is someone better out there for him. Or, sometimes by picking their partner apart looking for all the ways in which they do not necessarily fit that Hollywood ideal.

Finding yourself and being able to commit to another human being can be quite an emotional journey for many men. And that is only one part of the journey. Then comes a deeper level of commitment like engagement or marriage (if they want that), and having a family. Or however they want to express their deeper love and commitment to someone. All of those are additional steps in this crazy dance called love—steps that bring with them their own emotional impact and their own barriers to overcome. When you have been trained for most of your life to devalue relationships – whether in subtle or no so subtle ways – and to not practice much of what it takes to be in a relationship, of course they’re going to be difficult.

That was why my friend was having a hard time as his relationship inevitably began its plateau. There doesn’t have to be drama. He certainly doesn’t have to create drama, though his brain doesn’t seem to understand that. So, he spends a lot of time wondering if his partner is the right one. Maybe there is someone better. He imagines other people. Or just breaking up and sleeping around. Each time he does that he puts a quarter in the drama machine to keep it going. All of these have one major effect: keeping him from being present in his relationship and experiencing the beauty and pain of intimacy.

In truth, saying that love is boring is nothing more than saying you have found a love that actually has a chance of lasting. You have a relationship that is stable. A love that is strong. So here is to boring love.

The post Love is Boring appeared first on Dan Griffin.

We all have our stories. Every man has his story of how he has become the man he is today. Yet, we do not always put a lot of time into knowing our story – or sharing it with others.  It lets others in beyond the surface of so much of how we present ourselves in the world today. Our story is the blood rushing through us. I share a part of my story – as I understand it today – with you because it lets you know a little about who I really am. I share a part of my journey of becoming a man because it is a part of our stories we haven’t spent a lot of time taking to honor – or share with one another.

As an adolescent I had an unusual and deeply painful experience. My body literally did not grow. To say I was a late bloomer is an understatement. I became acutely aware of this in eighth grade, but there were still a few other boys who also had yet to hit puberty. The summer between eighth and ninth grade I had hoped “it” would happen, but it didn’t. I stayed short and began to feel more and more powerless. The shame about who I was and about my body began to spread like a weed throughout my psyche. It was a secret, and I had to protect myself from being found out to save myself from the ultimate humiliation.

The truth is that as a prepubescent young man I stood outside the usual images of masculinity. I started to see the Water, not because I consciously and thoughtfully reflected on the Man Rules, but because I was not a man. As I felt myself in the Water, I also felt the dissonance between what seemed to be the ideal masculinity and me. I was drowning in the Water and desperate to find some degree of solace. Burning in my psyche was this constant and resounding voice telling me that I was not a man. I believed it. That voice haunted me. The worst part was that once I grew to almost six feet tall and matured into what many people consider to be a handsome man, it was too late. The damage had been done. Like anorexics wasting away on death’s door who still see themselves as fat, it has taken twenty-plus years for me to not see the gaunt, prepubescent five-foot boy looking back at me in the mirror. And he can still show up when I’m under stress or feeling threatened.

What is your story about how you have become the man or woman you are today? Are you willing to share the chapters you are still trying to forget? The ones you tried to rip out of the book of your life? Do you know yet that those are the greatest parts of your story? If your voice does not shake when you tell your story to others then it probably isn’t your story. Do you know your story of your life is the greatest story ever told?

The post Do You Know the Story of Your Life is the Greatest Story Ever Told appeared first on Dan Griffin.